Bipolar Disorder aka Manic Depressive Disorder (for us old folk)

My therapist and I get into some really odd topics. But, I guess after 21 years or so, we probably have a pretty odd relationship. He is the odd one. Anyway, a while back we were talking about the weather and how it was changing 30 degress in two days 40 degress in a week. It was driving me crazy and to be even crazier, my therapist started talking about the weather being manic-depressive (okay we are old) as it was characterized by extreme highs to lows. (I know my thinking is a bit odd...don't all of you think of weather in terms of mental illness?)

I was frustrated, I had fall, spring and summer clothing all over the place in my bedroom and day to day or week to week, I did not know what I was going to wear. Also, I could feel it in my sinus, my body's temperature was really weird and basically, I think, it affected my emotions. Well, if you had manic-depression, which is now called bipolar disorder, this is sort of what it would be like on a day to day or weekly basis depending on the exact diagnosis, not knowing how you are going to be day to day. I don't mean to minimize the severity of bipolar disorder by comparing it to weather. It is just how this article started.

For those not on medications or with rapid cycling bipolar disease. Imagine having so much energy that you don't need sleep because you are not tired, everything seems like it is racing, you feel like you can't keep up with the billions of different thoughts in your head, you can't focus, you speak constantly, you feel like you are just bouncing off walls, your behavior is impulsive and think you can do anything. Then, without any warning signs, you crash hard. Everything seems dark, cloudy, sad and heavy. You don't want to do anything including getting out of bed or eat. You feel like you are in a black hole with no end and that you will never feel better. You probably have suicidal thoughts. Then, without warning, you have super duper energy again, but this time everything seems to irritate you, and you are filled with rage. Imagine, living like this and never knowing which way you will feel. Also, there is very little "normal" feeling in between. For those not on medications and for most who do not cycle rapidly, this is maybe a week or so between "moods."

This is the way it is for many people with bipolar disorder and their family, friends and coworkers. The manic phase is also when people do outragous things because they think they can. I know someone who went to work early and began painting a huge mural on the wall at work. Many go on shopping, gambling, alcohol, drug, or sex binges. It tears familys apart and they lose friends and can't keep a job and have major financial problems.

Most people's symptoms are noticed and begin to interfere in their lives during late adolescenes and early adulthood. Although, in hindsight, most people can see signs in their childhood. With proper treatment, people with bipolar disorder can be treated for this illness and can lead full productive lives.

Medication compliance is one of the most difficult issues and is necessary to stablize the chemical imbalance that occurs in the brain to cause such symptoms. Especially, during the manic phase because many do not want to stop from being on such a high. Medication is also tricky because what works for one person may not work for another. Also, what works for a while may stop working and then they have try new drugs or dosages. It can be very frustrating for everyone. Also, medication does not take away all of the symptoms it usually reduces them enough for someone to learn how to cope with their illness. Remember, their illness is not an excuse for their behavior and some can be responsible for it and others cannot. If you are living with someone or know someone with this illness, you can still set boundaries. It is never okay for someone to abuse you physically, verbally, emotionally, etc.

You will become frustrated and wonder why they make the same "bad" decisions over and over again? Why haven't they learned by this time? Why can't they see the senselessness of their behavior? They seem to get it together and then bottom out. Those without this illness and I will never be able to fully understand what their world is like. It isn't like a broken leg or open wound where you can see where it hurts. Their brain is very different than yours or mine.

(shows normal, manic and depressed activity in the brain)

Even though you cannot see their wound, they do show you. You just have to listen to what they say and do carefully. An excerpt from Bipolar Disorder Today states, "However hear their pain, listen for red flags always of any danger signals were you may need added assistance...Anytime a loved one does not seem in touch with reality (seeing, hearing, sensing, and thinking things that are not true), or seems at risk for suicide, homicide or any high risk behavior, you need to call 911 or their counselor or doctor. Explain what you are experiencing and your concerns."

SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS THAT MAY ACCOMPANY SUICIDAL FEELING:

1. talking about feeling suicidal or wanting to die
2. feeling hopeless, that nothing will ever change or get better
3. feeling helpless, that nothing one does makes a difference
4. feeling like a burden to family and friends
5. abusing alcohol or drugs
6. putting affairs in order (e.g., organizing finances or giving away possessions to prepare for one's death)
7. writing a suicide note
8. putting oneself in harm's way, or in situation where there is a danger of being killed.

The most important way to assist a person with bipolar disorder is to treat them with respect and care and to become a part of the treatment team if the person will allow you to do so. Then, you can speak with the psychiatrist and find out the best way to support the person because it is individualized. In the meantime, you can educate yourself. Websites will be provided at the end. Do not become codependent or enabling with your loved one. Remember that you do not have control over someone else. (Hmmm...need to do post on codependency)

The following is taken from the National Institute on Mental Health:

Signs and symptoms of mania (or a manic episode) include:

• Increased energy, activity, and restlessness


• Excessively “high,” overly good, euphoric mood


• Extreme irritability


• Racing thoughts and talking very fast, jumping from one idea to another


• Distractibility, can’t concentrate well


• Little sleep needed


• Unrealistic beliefs in one’s abilities and powers


• Poor judgment


• Spending sprees


• A lasting period of behavior that is different from usual


• Increased sexual drive


• Abuse of drugs, particularly cocaine, alcohol, and sleeping medications


• Provocative, intrusive, or aggressive behavior


• Denial that anything is wrong

A manic episode is diagnosed if elevated mood occurs with three or more of the other symptoms most of the day, nearly everyday, for one week or more. If mood is irritable, four or more additional symptoms must be present.

Signs and symptoms of depression (or a depressive episode) include:

• Lasting sad, anxious, or empty mood


• Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism


• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness


• Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed, including sex


• Decreased energy, a feeling of fatigue or of being “slowed down”


• Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions


• Restlessness or irritability


• Sleeping too much, or can’t sleep


• Change in appetite and/or unintended weight loss or gain


• Chronic pain or other persistent bodily symptoms that are not caused by physical illness or injury


• Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts

A depressive episode is diagnosed if five or more of these symptoms last most of the day, nearly every day, for a period of 2 weeks or longer.

I often wonder about the genius (or creative talent) of the world and the fantastic artwork created by those with mental illness. If there were medications during their time, would we have had Beethoven's 9th Symphony, Van Gogh's Starry Night or The Scream by artist Edvard Munch. Both had bipolar disorders. Just something I ponder from time to time. I am definitely not saying that medication should not be used. On the contrary, I believe that medication can save lives, assist them with leading full lives, and can stablize symptoms. For bipolar disorder, it is essential.

Many famous people have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. These are only those who have been confirmed as having this illness: Adam Ant, Ludwig van Beethoven, Lord Byron, Dick Cavett, Kurt Cobain, Samuel Tayleor Coleridge, Ray Davies, Charles Dickens, Richard Dreyfuss, Patty Duke, Carrie Fisher, William Faulkner, Stephen Foster, Macy Gray, Alexander Hamilton, Linda Hamilton, Mariette Hartley, Ernest Hemingway, Abbie Hoffman, Margot Kidder, Kristy McNichol, Edvard Munch, Issac Newton, Florence Nightengale, Sinead O' Conner, Ozzy Osbourne, Jane Pauley, Edgar Allen Poe, Charlie Pride, Axl Rose, Nina Simone, Britney Spears, Robert Louis Stevenson, Mark Twain, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Vincent Van Gogh, Kurt Vonnegut, Brian Wilson and Virginia Woolf.

Remember if you or anyone else recognizes any of these symptoms talk to your doctor and seek professional medical treatment and psychotherapy. If someone seems to be in immediate danger, call 911.

My hope is that this was informative and gives people a new perspective on bipolar disorder and mental illness in general. All information in this post was from personal/professional experiences, http://www.mental-health-today.com/, http://www.nimh.nih.gov/, http://www.bipolar.com/. You can go to any of these sites for more information or assistance. Also, you can educate yourself further from the book, the Bipolar Disorders Survival Guide by David J. Miklowitz, Ph.D. (All this because we had some major weather swings...you never know where my inspiration to write will come from...this one is a bit strange, I have to admit.

(Disclaimer: Although I have worked with mentally ill persons for twenty years, I do not have a Master's Degree or a license. This is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care or treatment. Please obtain professional assistance from the above resources, if needed. And call 911 if you or someone is in immediate danger.)

I'm Reacting a Being a Bit Sensitive!!

I know that I am not in a very good place right now, but I feel like my posts today have gained comments that make me feel misunderstood. With the Wordle, I should have explained that those are the things that were said to me, done to me or my revenge fantasies. Some of the things, I still stuggle with today and are automatic thoughts. My therapist is working with me on not making them stop as that is not possible as my brain automatically goes there, but on once I'm there to try to go somewhere else.

With my entry about my little girl, I initially wanted to take it down because I felt so raw and vulnerable and I'm feeling even more so now. I feel really misunderstood like I'm not given the credit for the fact that I am letting her talk both on my blog and in therapy. By doing that, all the thoughts and urges increase, but I still am letting her talk. I just felt like that was missed...that I was missed.

I also realized that I am not in a good space, so if I am being too sensitive just ignore this post.

Flashbacks & Homicidal Rage!!

This is a tough weekend with flashbacks and nightmares. Besides some of the experiences with the cult, I am also remembering intense emotional feelings and physical sensations of some of the things that my step-father did along with homicidal rage.
TRIGGERING AND VERY GRAPHIC...DO NOT LOOK AT IF NOT SAFE!!!!

To see full size image or to make a Wordle of your own click the picture.

My Infant & Little Girl ~ Learning to Not Destroy and to Believe

Sorry, no Worship today. I felt like this was important to get out before I lost the moment.

Yesterday, Life Spacings had a post entitled "the journey from denial to acceptance to recovery" that deeply affected me. I'd like to share my reaction to it and that infant and little girl inside. But, to put this into context, please go to the blog and read the entire post. When I went to comment on the post, I was surprised at my reaction because, I was really triggered and it brought out some very honest, raw and vulnerable feelings.

This was my comment, "Even though I want to 'go away,' I was compelled to continue to read for it validates my own experiences. Although I've talked about some of my abuse before, this time around it is different. It includes the acknowledgement that I was only 5 when it started and that the family was a cult. For some reason, that makes it harder. Although I am not DID, I do hear myself saying shut up you are lying, it couldn't have been that bad, you are going to die, you are evil and you aren't supposed to say things like that.

Then, after I tell, before I even have a chance to figure out how I feel the suicidal plans, self-injury urges and that I'm bad or evil and need to die come over the loud speaker. Then, later, hopefully, in the same week I talk and write about them. Then, things get louder because I've told. All along I'm angry because I've told or I keep thinking I'm lying or should have done something to make it stop and want to destroy my little girl. But in the long run, I know that I am telling the truth, but I don't really want to know that people can do such horrendous things or that they happened to me. It is comforting to know that you respond in similar ways...you have littles. I just have my own voice condemning me. I don't want to believe that the abuse was as organized as a cult. Someone get me out of this...there has to be a different way. Sadly, I know this is the healing path. Sorry, that I wrote so much, but I think I was triggered as I just want to sob, but can't...my little infant stopped at six months."

I have always had a difficult time with wanting anything to do with the little girl inside of me. My immediate impulse is to want to kill her and utterly destroy her. I think, it is that she knows too much, talks too much and is a reminder of my childhood. Although it seems that I can write about what occurred, without too much trouble. I feel it afterward...maybe days maybe right after.

And, then there is me as an infant being suffocated or aggressed upon. I also want to kill the infant. Both, I think are reminders of being innocent and my denial that I could not do anything about what occurred which I apparently have a really difficult time with as staying here prevents me from putting the responsibility on my mother.

My mother, father and step-father did not want me and I was even told so or that "I wish you were dead. Or never born." Well, I internalized that very well. Now, it is me that turns on myself with worse words and actions.

Another factor, is the terrorizing, sadistic abuse that I experienced. When I talk about it I immediately start to attack or discount it and want to destroy my little girl. I just want her to shut up...I don't like what she says and I just want her to die and not tell anymore because what she says sounds so horrific. My therapist, tells me that it is horrific. I don't want to believe because, it is excruciating, terrifiying and I feel my rage. Also, I don't want to believe that people can do such horrendous things, even though I hear worse on the news, but the difference is that is not me. I don't want to believe that I experience what I have. However, the more I don't talk the more intense and frequent become the nightmares and intrusive flashbacks.

The problem now is that everything is pushing to the surface, so I'm feeling crazy with my emotions from being really, really depressed, to enraged, to numb, to tearful, to...where ever else. When it comes to crying, I can for others, but for myself it gets stuck. Mostly, because I stopped when I was six months old. That I don't want to believe either. Even though, I don't want to believe I know it is true. I just wish that everything didn't hurt, ache and feel so empty. That black hole in my chest is so cold, empty, excruciating and seemingly without end.

I have no idea if I made sense, but there it is for today. My ramble for the day, all because of post which I know was very good for me, so thank you for writing it. I don't feel so alone and it feels so good that someone believes me...okay, stop...I don't want to cry anymore. (I want to delete this post...spoke too much...just a reaction, I won't really do it)

"Bleah"

After what I've written this week, I need a cheering up. Peanuts almost always make me at least smile when nothing else will except for coffee and chocolate.

Three posts today...so far!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! I just need to scream. I feel like I'm going crazy. I usually see my therapist today, but he is at a seminar all day. I always end up feeling angry and abandoned and ungrounded when I go more than a couple of days without seeing him. It is going to be a tough weekend especially since I've been talking about the cult and my homicidal rage.

Something Light!!!

COMING MONDAY AN INFORMATION ARTICLE ON BIPOLAR DISORDER, PLEASE READ!!!

"Friend of a Wounded Heart" ~ Wayne Watson

In the late 1980's and early 1990's, I used to blast this song because it spoke to my broken heart and the "faking" being okay. I've been thinking about it lately...still speaks to me, but I now know how badly scarred I am and how much Jesus has touched my life. I know of no better comfort except for when I need God with skin. Then, He provides someone when I least expect it if I ask Him to and even when I don't he meets my needs. For me, I am ever so thankful that I had a therapist during this period of my life that I just shared...it was the first time that I every spoke to anyone the details of my self injury. Before, I was "okay." Right? (I know this song is a Christian song, but take a chance and listen to this song or read the lyrics...it just may touch you in a way you that you need.)

Past Journal Entry: July 4, 2005

Geoffrey,

It felt good to see you today especially since it is a holiday. It felt good to cry today. Felt some relief from the tension. Was also good to be able to talk about the suicidal thoughts and wanting to hurt myself which I haven't done in more than 72 hours. Yeah, I really don't want to start again as it become more and more difficult to stop each time. I've stopped before and I've stopped the cutting before. I can do this. I really have invested too much of me to quit.

I guess on a positive note, I have gained some weight. It really scares me as I feel a bit out of control and I want to lose weight. But, I have kept my promise of eating something everyday. But, I really don't want to gain anymore weight. The suicidal thoughts and the wanting to injure myself are really loud. I'm really scared because I know my thoughts are getting more distorted. Thinking of ways to lie to you which I absolutely promise not to do.

When you asked about what is going on now versus when I was hospitalized in 1992, it really made me realize that I'm just on that edge or maybe I am in trouble and don't want to admit it. Although the acting out isn't as bad as before, it still is really bad and scary and severe. Also, I've crossed the line with being much more concrete and specific with the plans and I've purchased things. But, I have been telling you. The other element is both the suicidal thoughts and wanting to injure myself is more intense and unrelenting. Although it was everyday before, but this time it is so much more intense and intrusive.

Hospitalization scares me as does continuing on in the way I've been. Maybe, with the time off from work, it will get better. I don't know . I 'm really scared. I wonder if you understand how scared I am. I realize, if I step back and look at it clinically, that hospitalization should have occurred a while ago. I really appreciate how you have handled it. Last weekend, I know I really pushed the limit and may have gone over it.

I'm really concerned that you won't be able to be there for me. And it is really, really important that I don't lose contact with you which is what really concerns me. The financial part does also as does returning to work and how it will effect my husband. I think, I partly feel like I've failed if I go into the hospital like something is wrong with me that I can't handle things without it being necessary.

I just want to cry...the wanting to bruise, cut, burn and the suicidal ideation keeps increasing. I just want some quiet for awhile. Growing up the suicidal thoughts were daily. It is really hard not to judge the possibility of being hospitalized again. Feels like I'm taking a step back.

Right now, it really feels like I need you to set limits even though it makes me angry. I also feel like I really need you to help give direction right now. Sometimes, I get scared to speak further because I don't want to hear what I have to say.

General Color Code:
Red=pain/anger
Orange=rage
Purple=terror/fear
Blue/light bluish/lavender/grey=sadness, crying, tears Black=depression, hopelessness, despair

Observations: It was really a good thing to be able to talk about hospitalization and all that was going on in my head. However, I was in trouble. Looking at what I told him and what was going on, he could have insisted on hospitalization, but did not. He put himself in a very disconcerting and precarious position and I'm sure his colleagues were telling him to hospitalize me. However, he was hedging his bet that I was going to let him know when I was ready for hospitalization because if it occurred before I was ready I would fight treatment and it would be unproductive. The other thing is that I would have continued to lose weight which was a concern at this point and my symptoms would over all get worse. Now, when I tell him that I appreciate the position that I put him in by the decisions that we made, he says, "thank you," with a sigh of relief.

Today's Session ~ Rage, My Therapist is Crazy!

I just returned from my session and my therapist is crazy. Ever since I introduced him to Wordle, he has been assigning me homework or at least suggesting to Wordle. He is trying to keep me focused on my rage toward my step father's mother and my mother which is where I am at emotionally. My suicidal thoughts, wanting to die and urge to self-injure are defenses against feeling the rage and sadness. Yesterdays, assignment was to focus on my feelings about my step-father's mother. Today, is to focus on my homicidal rage and thoughts of revenge and retaliation. My therapist is crazy...actually, he is trying to keep me from feeling crazy. But, this is excrutiating work. Just thought I would up date you on what is currently going on. He also knows what is being posted on my blog. I am not going to share the majority of the Wordle's as they are too personal and would possibly reveal who I am. Please do not try this on your own without speaking to your own therapist or doctor as it is very powerful and can bring up stuff that you will NEED to process in order to stay safe.

Past Journal Entry: July, 2/3, 2005 ~ weekend

Geoffrey,

[Bad weekend]. Today, I wondered if hospitalization would be helpful. I ended up calling for basic information. I really don't want hospitalization, but the unrelenting quality of my thoughts is beginning to wear on me. And, I can't turn it off. Sometimes, I start to make sense to myself. Like what is so wrong with burning, cutting or bruising, it only hurts me...it's not like I'm killing myself. Although sometimes, I want to do that. And sometimes, I really want to injure myself or hurt myself. The thoughts were unrelenting today.

I really don't want hospitalization, but today I thought for a moment or two that if might be helpful to just dial down the thoughts in my head. I'd like to see how next week goies. But, I'm scared and feeling overwhelmed.

I think I'm making it worse because in my head if I bruise that means hosptialization, so there is much pressure added and the desire is increased. I just want to stop. Sometimes, feels like I'm going to implode from the pressure.

Talking to you helped this morning. However, I keep thinking that tomorrow I can purchase the alcohol and razors. Monday, I could cut. Tuesday, I could bruise and Wednesday when my husband isn't home I can take the pills with the alcohol. I think I won't tell you or I will lie to you. [I have never lied to him...only unconsciously omitted things] But, I will not lie to you. I absolutely promise not to even by omission. What difference does it make anyway if I hurt myself or die.

In someways, I wish I would have never told you the details and just kept it a secret. I was able to keep most of it to myself before and stopped. I'm just really ashamed.

I'm really scared and tired and feeling really hopeless. I just want to give up. Ijust feel so stressed and so much pressure. I really want to bruise and I really want to die.

Talking to you tonight (two days in a row) made me feel like I've done something wrong. Like it isn't okay to write or share those thoughts. Feels like it wasn't okay to share them with you...feels bad. Really feel like crying because I feel like I did something wrong. I do realize that I've been fighting hard this weekend and I haven't acted out for two days. I can't do this...I feel too much pressure and my stomach hurts as I don't feel like I can just write what is going on in my head which is bad because it is negative. It is hard to switch to positive. I'm not sure I can think positively right now.

Observations: In this entry, I am totally reacting to telling Geoffrey the extent of the bruising (beating until I draw blood). No one ever knew. Even during the first go around with him, I never told him. I was and am feeling really embarrassed and ashamed. I'm afraid that no one will want to know me anymore and that he was going to stop working with me. I felt and feel that he was disgusted with my (projection).

Having had two telephone calls from him in a row, really made me feel bad. One, because I need it and thought that I should be able to handle things. Two, that he was angry with me and that I was being intrusive.

By my writing, thinking and calling about hospitalization meant that I thought that I could be needing it. I need to have so much control over it that I would begin the process. During my first hospitalization, I did everything and walked into Geoffrey's office and gave him the information, date of admission and the contact person, so that he could continue to see me. I was doing the same as I knew my behavior was out of control and was close to the point of my first hospitalization. Also, I was terrified to talk to Geoffrey about hospitalization because to me it meant that I failed somewhere. I should be able to handle it. I now realize that I was handling a lot more than I should have been like continuing to work full time.

Current Update ~ My Truth ~ My Childhood in a Cult~Part I

I don't even know how to begin explaining the whole thing, but my step-father's family was part of a cult which is how I think my mother and him met through his mother who was a type of leader. Well, I've been talking about it in therapy for the first time and this is what is also increasing the suicidal thoughts and self-injury urges along with touching upon my anger with my mother. These two are related. I just wanted to put things a little bit into more context. I can't tell you directly, but I can post a Wordle. Please respond because if you don't I think that it was too much and that I need to die because I've been a burden. I know that I'm fragmenting, but my mind is all over the place between what I've revealed on the blog and mostly what is going on in therapy. I'm really sensitive right now...and angry and sad. Sometimes, my life does not sound believable.

Click picture to see full size or make your own courtesy of Wordle.net.

Past Journal Entry: July 1, 2005

Geoffrey,

...the last several days that I've bruised myself has been pretty bad. It has been quite intense with trying to really hurt myself and really inflict pain. Sometimes, I've hit hard enought to cause me to tear up and I just continue. The bruises are deep and cover a large arrea, from the back of the middle of my thigh to the top of my buttocks. The last several days that I've done it, each time I've hit myself at least 300 times or more. [Which means the day that I had three instance, I hit at least 900 times.] It hurts to sit and to put my underwear and pants on. Even hurts to lay down to sleep. I really want to stop and somtimes I am afraid I can't. Do you really understand that I have been trying to stop? [Realize now that this is how badly I was beaten at times].

I guess part of what I'm trying to tell you and me is that I'm tired of trying sometimes. That I really feel bad like I have to be punished. That I need to apologize for existing. That I'm really scared and am in much pain. That I really feel out of control. That this is how I used to cope and I am really ashamed of it. Sometimes, I wonder if you understand how really bad I feel. I wonder if you understand how long I've been hurting myself. When you said that it is common, I felt a little discounted. Like, lots of kids do this, so I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

Somethimes, it feels like when I hit myself or cut that I'm angry with me...that I really hate myself. So much rattles around in my head...it is really busy in there. So much has always gone on inside. Feels strange to write and to share it. Also, feels good to be able to do so and have you just be there to listen. But also really scares me. Feels out of control. I really want your help to get through this and I'm scared you will go away.

I really feel like crying and just want to die. I think I'm needing a little comfort, reassurance and encouragement from you. Sometimes, I really think it would not matter if I died. I guess, I'm feeling really hopeless and discouraged. Thinking of making purchases. Really wanting to bruise.

General Color Code:
Red=pain/anger
Orange=rage
Purple=terror/fear
Blue/light bluish/lavender/grey=sadness, crying, tears Black=depression, hopelessness, despair

Observations: Borderline thinking all over the place and fragmenting. I think that it terrified me that I was trusting him at a new level and that I was out of control with the brusing and a part of me did not want to stop. Feeling really ashamed. There are some pre-emptive strikes such as he will go away instead of I'm going to push him away or that he will not want to work with me if I tell him what is going on.

Currently, I'm really ashamed of what I did and how badly. I'm afraid what people will think when they read it. I feel ashamed, but the whole purpose of this blog was to keep it truthful. Why do I need to keep my word on that? I don't really want to have revealed the extent and details of some of my self-injury, but I did. That means I wanted to, but the consequence of wanting to die and just delete this whole blog means that I am fragmenting. Nonetheless, I am so ashamed and want to hide and just go away. Why would someone...how could I?

I feel so raw and vulnerable right now. Should I have...I needed to...no one other than Geoffrey knows...no one, but him until now. It is too bad no one will want to visit anymore. I feel so disgusted with myself. I also feel relieved...I told...now, I'm terrified and ashamed. I want to die and really want to cut. I remember how soothing it was to cut. I rarely felt the pain once I got started only afterward and just to see and feel my own blood and the warmth of it against my skin. But, it was only temporary...I'd end up back here again wanting to die and feeling ashamed. Why is telling the truth so difficult, not just telling it, but the feelings afterward.

Entry: June 30, 2005

Geoffrey,

I'm feeling bad about crying and really am wanting to act out. I'm really wanting to cut or bruise. You told me that crying is better than acting out. A part of me knows that and another part would really rath hurt myself...going away, trying to disappear is how I used to stop myself from crying. Now, it is automatic. Feel like I'm bad and am going to be punished or yelled at if I cry. I also feel bad that I'm not able to. All road lead to bad.

Yesterday was really tough with my interactions with my supervisor. Sometimes, I wish I could convey how bad it feels and how unrelenting it had been. I know my acting out only makes it worse, but sometimes knowing that I'm going to have the brief moment of relief seems worth it...the consequences don't matter. Feels like the acting out might be my way of trying to tell both of us how bad I feel, how painful everything feels. I get really tired of fighting the thoughts in my head and the desires to cut, burn or bruise. The suicidal thoughts are loud as is the desire to purchase the alcohol, lighter and razors.

I couldn't concentrate on my documentation today and I'm starting to get concerned because I am getting behind, but I can't focus and feel badly about that. Also, panicky that I'm not going to be able to handle today. I can't wait for it to be over.

I want to keep my promise to you. But, there is also a part that is just tired of fighting and wanted to give up. I'm not sleeping well. I think the anticipated demands and pressure of the day is overwhelming me and creating some panic.

Just wanting to die and hurt myself. Wanting to keep my promises and wanting to act out. I've gone 57 hours without acting out...feels good, but I feel so much pressure.

I guess, I only made it to 58 hours as I bruised before my first meeting and then afterward and then after that meeting. It was like once I broke my promise, I kept going since I couldn't go back. The third time I used a switch. Now, I'm really regretting that I began in the first place and kept going away. But, it did reduce my anxiety from yesterday and about today's meetings. I guess the day just felt really overwhelming and demanding. Also, feeling bad about my interactions with my supervisor and with crying in front of you.

General Color Code:
Red=pain/anger
Orange=rage
Purple=terror/fear
Blue/light bluish/lavender/grey=sadness, crying, tears Black=depression, hopelessness, despair

The white looking areas are actual a pale blue or pale purple.

Observations: I was really trying not to bruise (beat myself like what was done to me), but I was really getting way in over my head. My coping skills were diminishing and meetings which used to be no problem create anxiety. I was really overwhelmed and stressed out by work and things that went on between my supervisor and myself. And, to cry in session was like one of the worst things I could do...still is. Again, I'm in deep trouble.

"Shout to the Lord" ~ Darlene Zschech ~ Worship in Song!!

At the beginning, is a little introduction, which I know nothing about. Now, it is time to praise the Lord!!

My Truth ~ My Childhood Words Part II

I decided to do another Wordle as the first one was so powerful and cathartic for me. However, this time I put the tougher words that I don't even want to say and focused only on my childhood and not the present.

To create your own or to see full size click on the picture.

Thursday & Friday Sessions ~ feeling out of control!!

I'm reacting to Thursday's session. I unexpectedly ended up having a double session and the last hour I just talked about how angry I at my mother I was. I've never done anything close to that. So, now everything has increased (suicidal thoughts and self-injury urges) and I pushed my therapist away on Friday and left feeling disconnected to him and to myself. I'm so angry at myself right now.

I just really feel angry at the whole world and am pushing my husband away, trying to pick fights with him (welcome to borderlineville). Anger with my mother, I've avoided like the plague...it is the hardest thing for me. Now, it is all going inward and I really want to cut. I haven't had it this bad in a long time. I've taken all the PRNs I can. I keep thinking just a few cuts. But, I know that won't be it and will start it up again, but I feel like I just need to calm down.

And, the thought of "I need to die," just runs through my head over and over no matter what I do. Then, I get angry because I've always had thoughts or feelings like that because I internalized my mother's wishing that I were never born or dead. Words she actually said to me. She had to have know about the abuse. I'm just really angry at her. But, as a substitute I pushed my therapist away and left feeling like he doesn't care and really disconnected from him. I even had this brief thought of running him over with my car.

It feels all crazy inside. And, then I get sad, hopeless and really depressed. I just need to die. So, that is how I am...I feel like sobbing now, but I will not allow that especially with my husband home. I did leave a message asking my therapist to call me, but I don't think that he will. But, I don't feel like anyone is going to respond to me or cares. Welcome, to Clueless's Borderlineville. *SIGH*

Mastercard

Abuse & Self Injury Awareness

Warning this video contains self-injury images that may be triggering. If you are having urges, do not watch. Please take care of yourself and be safe.

My journal entries have been about my addiction to self injury and being out of control despite being in therapy five days per week. So, I thought this would be a good time to provide some information regarding the behavior and that next week I am revealing details of which I feel really ashamed. However, I am now feeling safe enough to post this now.

My Truth ~ My Childhood

Click picture to see full size or make your own courtesy of Wordle.net.

Your Life in Six Words

Jennifer of Writing to Survive has offered me to passed along a fun little meme. The task: write my memoir in six words. OK. I am up for the challenge, but I can't do it as a memoir. I'll do it my way.

Love God Help People Compassion Integrity

These are the words that I want people to know me by!!!

I want people to know me for my love of God and my life as a Christian. I want know me as a person who loves to help and care for others with compassion and respect. I also want to be known for my integrity meaning: "adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty." In someways, this characteristic has gotten me into trouble because I tell the truth even when I mess up which led to a warning at work. But, I was not going to cover up or divert the responsibility elsewhere. Also, my therapist says that this is a characteristic that has helped me to survive my past and has sustained me through my healing journey.

So, now I pass it along to the following bloggers, if they wish to participate:

1. Jazz at In Pieces
2. Wandering Coyote at I'm Listening
3. Dyanna at scdot1
4. unstable blogger
5. p.j. at Spin Original

Stuck Between a Huge Boulder and a Mountain!!!

Even though it is difficult enough to write about my sexual abuse and anger with the men in my life. It is a whole other level when it comes to my mother. My mother was emotionally and physically abusive until I moved out of the house when I was 21. However, the emotional abuse continued. Also, admitting her complicity in my the other abuses I experienced is even harder. If you add to that my rage toward everyone, but especially my mother, you have my place of stuckness.

(Need to say that I'm having difficulty writing this as I get buzzy in my head or go away). I am not yet ready to reveal my writings about my mother, but I'm getting there. Yesterday, I wrote about being stuck about talking about my memories. Well, it is more than 10 times harder to talk about my mother. I've worked my entire life to not live in that reality.

However, I have internalized my mother's projection of badness and of not wanting me very well. To the point that I want to die, feel like I deserve to die or not exist, that I am bad and want to absolutely destroy my inner infant and little girl. I really want to kill them off which is what I took in from my mother not wanting me and telling me that I was bad or evil, etc...

This is one of the other reasons that my depression has increased so much during these past few weeks. Yesterday, my therapist and I discussed that I start to have difficulty at the beginning of summer and my first hospitalization was in August and my second was in July. August being my birth month, he is speculating on what my mother must have felt like before I was born or when I was 10 months old. What I do know is that she didn't want me and that she actively blamed me for her problems.

I can't write anymore about what my mother did right now...it is just too difficult which is where I am between the mountain and a boulder. Either, way my depression increases and currently it is getting pretty bad. I'm terrified, rageful, sad, empty, achy and tearful. I don't want to face the truth, but I don't want to remain stuck. I just don't want to deal with the reality that my mother is really sick and I wouldn't be where I am if it weren't for her. I didn't just write that...I'm going to pretend it is not there like I have all my life, then it isn't real and neither am I.

Well, the second post is of my fingerpaintings completed in 2005. Funny, but the same feeling are always there...maybe, because I can only handle so much at a time. No, actually now I am at a deeper level...oh, goody, progress. (note sarcastic tone). I just want to go curl up and die now...just disappear.

June 18, 2005 ~ Fingerpaints

These fingerpaintings were completed during the time of my last past journal entry of June 17/18, 2005 when my suicidal thoughts and my self-injury was/had spun out of control. Emotionally, it was a very turbulant time with lots of mixed emotions seeming to pull me in so many different directions. I wish that you could see the brightness of the colors, the movement and texture.

My fingerpaintings are abstract which also means there is no right or wrong answer in what they mean. For me, I can tell at the time what I am feeling, but today it may be different. Either way it is a way for me to express myself without harming myself. So, what you see is probably about yourself or something in me in which you identify. I hope that you see what is important to you and not my interpretation or meaning. Although, some are able to step back and look at it through my eyes.

General Color Code:

Red=pain/anger

Orange=rage

Purple=terror/fear

Blue/light bluish/lavender/grey=sadness, crying, tears
Black=depression, hopelessness, despair

This one feels like there is deep sadness at the core fully enclosed by rotaing pain and then there is a lot of terror moving and surrounding with hopelessness closing in.

I don't name my paintings, but this one reminds me of a hurricane and I think "Eye of the Storm." I'm in eye where it is calm and I can just be which means a tremendous amout of sadness and hopelessness surrounded by constanly moving pain, emptiness and terror.

That lavender hopeless blob, I think is me, with surrounded by tears and little bit of terror and pain (orange color is red). Then, if scared me so I crossed myself out with the terror and the pain...to not exist. Sadness and rage scare me, so when I see it in my paintings it really agitates me...got to get rid of it.

First of all, I hate pink so why I have this pink blob, which is probably me, in the middle makes no sense. What does make sense about it is my struggle with being female. Then, the whole picture is sad and tearful with bits of sadness, rage, pain, terror all over the tears. All feeling can move one to tears. Now, I feel a bit disturbed by this.

"A rock and a hard place" ~ two posts today

To be honest, I have not been doing very well for the past few weeks and especially this week. I'm just more depressed. So, one I want to apologize as I have been having difficulty responding to comments on my blog and actually reading other people's blogs. I may visit, but I'm really not there.

Even with the concert, I'm not sure I enjoyed it or not. And, to really know I'm more depressed, I don't want to go shopping at Nordstrom. I used to go at least once a week. Even the store manager hugs me when he sees me. Everything is taking so much more effort and today for the first time in a long time, I woke up with the first thought being, "I want to die."

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he expressed some concern and he doesn't want to make any changes yet with my anti-depressants. He stated that he thinks that part of the increased depression is due to my weight gain which is due to my medication. This week I couldn't fit into any of my pants except for newly purchased expandable waist capris and shorts. Normally, I'd be happy to go out and purchase a new pair of jeans, but I was not. I now have officially in two years time, but especially this past year have gained enough weight to have clothing in seven different sizes. It is discouraging. My eating disorder symptoms have increased. I just feel fat and dumpy.

Anyway, I suggested changing the Invega to Risperdal which both have the same side effect of hyperprolactinimia which is basically I start to lactate. It actually is quite fascinating since I've never been pregnant and my little barely A cups have grown to D cups. But, all of this makes me feel as if I am in someone else's body. Anyway, the Risperdal doesn't have the weight gain side effect for me. I sure hope I can lose some weight. Oh, my psychiatrist was in agreement with the change. Once this is settled, we will discuss the anti-depressants.

Also, in therapy, I'm kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place. My depression, suicidal thoughts, and wanting to harm myself, increase when I talk about my feelings or being abused and they increase when I don't. So, either way I'm more depressed. I know talking about it is better, but I so don't want to feel the pain, sadness or rage. So, as a defense I go into all that other stuff. This week and the end of last week, I've been talking about things that my step-father's mother did to me or had me do. I have never, ever, ever talked about it before of even let myself think about it, so this naturally makes me more depressed and overwhelmed. I'm just not in a good place and I keep thinking "I want to die."

Poem: March 27, 2003 ~ Emptiness...and Finally Hope

Emptiness...and Finally Hope

Emptiness I wish I could conceal
That this is what I really feel

Aloneness that seems to never end
I find no comfort even in a friend

Emptiness that makes me want to disappear
And feeling so much fear

Aching that feels like I'm gonna die
Sometimes now, I simply just cry

Tears of panic, rage and pain
Still, so much unexplainable shame

Feeling that deep down I'm bad
And also feeling so extremely sad

As a child feeling all alone
Especially when everyone WAS at home

Needing so much to talk
Instead, I took raging drives or lonely walks

Needing someone to listen and understand
Instead, I'd run and now I really want to stand

So hard to simply just sit
Somehow, I'm afraid of getting hit

Abandonment is such an overwhelming fear
I'm so afraid to let anyone near

Isolation has become a familiar friend
A sure way for my life to end

Alone rocking in a corner being numb
At times, even chewing on my thumb

Now, it is time to walk
And I want to talk

Anxiety the pressure on my chest
Sometimes, I just want to rest

Again, restful sleep does not come easily
Unknown nightmare are coming too readily

Memories again filling my head
Not as often do I wish I were dead

Kelly's world of pain
Triggered memories of my own shame

The temptation to control my weight
It is my body that I hate

Laxatives and diet pills
Is a way for me to kill

Killing the feelings that threaten to come up
One of my ways used to be throwing up

Starving a way to control
Lord, help me to continue to let go

I know that this really isn't my true struggle
And it is the killing of my feelings that gets me into trouble

Burning, bruising and cutting are no longer comforting friends
The strong temptation I want to end

Able to bring some of this to the Cross
Brings feelings of great loss

Nothing really left to gain
In my world of self-inflicted pain

Although the temptations are still there
I'm learning to turn to those who care

Panic comes again and again
I know others want me to win

Out of control is how I feel
But, I am becoming real

Learning more to safely cope
Especially from the Father who has given me tremendous hope

In You, I'm learning to be a daughter
As I allow You to Father

You've lifted me from so much hopelessness
Especially as I've allowed You to be the "Father of the Fatherless"

Extremely shaky inside
Yet, learing to stand with You by my side

At times, feeling really terrified
In my healing, I want the Lord to be glorified

My feelings I discover
As I allow You to uncover

Through all the feelings including pain
Intimacy with You is what I continue to gain

Bringing my little girl to Jesus' arms
There I'm learning to trust that there is never any harm

I your arms, safe and secure
I know this is part of Your "cure"

In Your presence, I've found peace and calm
And the figt of Your healing soothing balm

So much healing already ocmpleted
Reminds me of Your promises I need repeated

Your Word says, "I will not forget you."
Claiming this is what I need to continually do

So many blessings on my life You've poured
Seeing You glorified is such a tremendous reward

The emptiness only You can fill
I need to continue to exercise my will

When I want to disappear
It's Your voice I need to hear

Lord, I'm so full of fear
Continue to draw me near

Nothing really left to hold
But, Jesus no matter how old.

Poem: "A Child's Cry" ~ December 20, 1993

A Child's Cry

Will somebody hear my cry
Of the pain I want to deny

My behavior and what I want to do
Says how I feel too

Learning to understand
Why I try to reject helping hands

Wanting to disappear
Sometimes, means I'm so full of fear

Wanting so much to die
Tells of a need to cry

Wanting the pain to cease
Control of my eating is what I need to release

My behavior pleads
Somebody see a child's needs

Will somebody hear the cry
Of a child wanting desperately to die

A child long so
For a father that would never go

A father who won't disappear
And cause a child to fear

Keeping all the pain inside
The child tried desperately to hide

The fear that surrounds
Sends the child hiding underground

In a closet or in a corner
The child learned to be a loner

Scared to let anyone in
Never feeling like she fit in

All alone and crying
Bit by bit she was dying

I'm so scared to see
But, I know that the child is me

So scared to move
I keep trying to prove

Pain and anger in my starving
They never heard my crying

That I don't need a father
Apathetic at times - Why bother?

Little girl wanting him to bother
Simply just be my father

Alone and afraid with nowhere to run
Now, I'm learning to have fun

Emptiness that runs so deep
Now, I'm one of the Shepard's sheep

Now safe and secure
With the Father whose love is so pure

Learning to truly receive the love
From the Father of the fatherless

The more I experience my pain
Brings intimacy with the Father again and again

I still want to bruise, burn and cut
Now, instead more often I look up

Up to the Father
Who says, "I am here!"

Without fail His Fathering
Rings music, words and arms so comforting

I once vowed that I would never reaveal this card
That life without Daddy is hard

A child's life filled with chaos
All the time feeling so lost

Rituals of sef-mutilation tried to bring structure
To a world seemingly without future

But, now hope comes through the Father
He says, "You matter."

A little girl's heart being fulfilled
As He says, "You're beautiful."

He says, "You have precious gentle heart"
I know the love of this Father will never part.

1993 clinically clueless

Steven Curtis Chapman ~ "Weak Days"

This song was Steven Curtis Chapman's first song to air on the radio. You could tell then that he would become one the most successful contemporary Christian artists. It took me a long time to figure out he was saying, "weak" instead of "week." Either way it is an uplifting and encouraging song to begin in which to begin the week especially if you are feeling weak. Enjoy!!

Faithful Father ~ Brian Doerksen ~ Worship in Song!!

Given my post on Father's Day, I felt like I wanted to hear this song as it is very comforting. I especially like where it goes, "From the moment my life began, You have been faithful." I hope this song brings comfort and joy if you need it today. Thank you Lord for being my Father. Amen.

Today's Anxiety ~ CSN concert!!

Before depression, whenever that was or maybe it is between depression (those little holes of light), normally I would be excited to day. I am going to see one of my favorite groups and one that is go see before they stop playing, die, or you wish they would stop playing because they don't sound good anymore. I am going to see Crosby, Stills and Nash (CSN). (I realize that many of you may not have heard of them.) I absolutely love them and the harmonies and have been to so many of their concerts that I lost count.

However, I have extremely bad allergies to fragrances and odors of any type. I've had five or six sinus surgeries and it has had a significant impact on my life where sometimes I have to leave just because of a fragrance someone is wearing or a hair product. Yes, it tends to isolate me more, but I have always been sensitive. It has been better since I stopped working. So, I always become anxious if I am going to have to battle that. At least it is an outdoor, theatre. I know that some of my allergies are because of the abuse...they became triggers.

The biggest anxiety is because (don't laugh, okay go ahead), I have severe reactions to marijuna. Now, marijuana and CSN concert are almost synonymous. As soon as the lights go off and the concert begins, it engulfs the venue. Well, it makes me nauseated to the point that sometimes well, I've...I'll spare you the details. I have figured out that it is a trigger as at my step-father's house there was incense and marijuana odors while being abused. I'm feeling especially vulnerable right now as this has been a really tough week and I am not doing so well. However, I'm pretty sure that I will have a good time, even though, I don't want to go now. It is a PRN day!!! Oh, and because of the time of when we get out of the concert I have to delay taking my medications...gained too much weight for my husband to assist me if I'm medicated. *SIGH* That is a whole other issue.

What Generation Do You Belong In?

I Belong in the Baby Boomer Generation according to the test which actually fits me very well. Now, have some fun and take the test and leave a comment with your results and how it applies/or not to you.

I Belong in the Baby Boomer Generation

You fit in best with people born between 1943 and 1960. You are optimistic, rebellious, and even a little self centered. You still believe that you will change the world. You detest authority and rules. Deep down, you're a non conformist.

What Generation Do You Belong In?

Matchbox 20 ~ "Unwell" acoustic

Dedicated to all of us diagnosed with mental illness.

Tears of anger, grief, comfort, & joy ~ Father's Day

I have always hated Father’s Day especially when James was around. Both my mother and James made it difficult for me. At the beginning, both insisted that I call him “Daddy,” which I adamantly refused…so I did have some fight in me that was never beaten or threatened out of me. Then, the same story of everyone getting angry at each other and I end up getting slapped, slugged or beaten for causing a fight or disobeying my mother. Eventually, she annually just bought a card and gift and made me sign the card and give it to him. I hated her for making me do this, but I still never called him, “Daddy.” The card was addressed to James and that is what I called him. He would accept the gift and usually like it, but would say to me things that made sure I knew I was not his family and he did not want me to be there.


I remember one Mother’s Day when my mother asked James why he didn’t give her a Mother’s Day card. He responded, “well, you never gave me any children, so you are not a mother to me.” I was really angry that he said something so mean to her and I went over and hugged her and told her Happy Mother’s Day, you will always be my mother. Makes me sick to think I said that to her knowing what I know now. My life was so confusing. Often times, I don’t think I understood what reality was and what was normal. Still don’t to some degree.

My biological father and mother divorced when I was 3 or 4. My father was really hypercritical of me. He also had some OCD issues that he expected the same detail in things that he did, from me. He criticized my mother in what she was teaching me and just how I was as a person. He criticized how I spoke, had my hair done, brushed my teeth, walked, that I spoke too much, how I ate, how much I ate, my grades, how I rode a bike…basically, seems like everything. He slapped me in the face frequently too if I was doing something improperly according to his standards which no one would ever be able to live up to. I remember my hand being slapped suddenly, when he felt I was using chopsticks incorrectly and because I was supposed to eat only one french fry at a time…I was eating two.

My father always made promises that he was “going to call every week and see me every other week,” but it never happened. Not a telephone call, not a visit, not a card…nothing. I last had contact with him in sixth grade and at high school graduation. I stopped trusting what he told me and hoping that things would ever be different. Never could talk to anyone about it…kept it all inside…just made everyone angry to bring him up. The last visit I did not cry at all, but I felt like I was so close to crying…no one ever asked how the visit went, so I never told anyone. I learned to stop talking and not to let anyone in. Also, I stopped asking questions and tried to obtain information from other sources or went without. I always assumed that each visit with him would be my last. Somehow, I knew that after this visit, I wasn’t going to have any contact with him again.

I wish I could tell you that I am angry and hurt, but that would be a guess because I am so numb and trying not to cry. However, my Grandpa was the one who tried to fill in the best that he could. He was/is my primary attachment because my mother certainly wasn’t. It was his passing in 2002 that started this major depressive episode and PTSD. I had lost my only real positive attachment and my protector.

Grandpa knew that he was going to die and started to wrote a small biography which is such a treasure. When he got to my part he wrote, “It was a great day when Clueless was born…those were fun times.” I’ve always found that to be a comfort. He really was the only one that wanted me. I miss him terribly (okay, I’m sad and crying now.) He used to pick me up from school, purchased my first real car and proudly walked me down the aisle when I was married. I think he was more happy than I was…he kept crying. I tried not to, you know the make up and pictures…more important and expensive. I really miss him this year. I think because of realizing how many losses that I have…grief builds up and becomes greater than it really was in the first place. He was such a blessing to me.

Many people have asked me about how I am able to relate to God as my Father. What I tell them, is that it was a lot of work via church ministries and therapy to get things straight in my head let alone in my feelings. God worked on my heart. His love was like a sieve to me. I could sort of hold on to it, but it would strain straight through and get filled again and drain. On thing that helped was writing out all the versus that talked about Him being a Father.

In closing, I want to share a couple of comforting versus for me. “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” (Psalm 56:8 NLT) “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has born? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palm of my hands; your walls are ever before me.” (Isaiah 49:15-16 NASV)

I love you, Lord! Happy Father's Day!

I love you and really miss you, Grandpa! Happy Father's Day!

Poem: "Running" ~ December 18, 1991

Running

Lord, do you really understand
How much I need Your loving hand?

To guide and to hold
Don't ever let go

I hurt so much now
I don't know how

I'll ever get thru
without You

I know that it is this I try
Without You to get by

Do You really know how much I wish I would die
So, that I don't have to cry

I feel like such a child
That wants to run wild

I want to scream and scream
And scream and scream

No words that I know
I guess this is my way to show

How angry and hurt
Sometimes, I feel like dirt

So filthy and dirty
I wonder if I'lll ever feel pretty

I feel so utterly hopeless
No end to this emptiness

It is so dark and so cold
Feels as if there is no one to hold

Jesus, I know You are there
I need to feel Your loving care

To lead me into Your light
Please, hold me tight

Don't ever let go
I'm afraid You will You know

Warmth and connection I fear the most
Sometimes, I'd like to run to a different coast

My way is to run and run and run
Will I ever stop and learn to have fun

I want to push everyone away
And I want them to stay

Trusting Geoffrey is hard
Will I ever reveal the card

That says, "I love and I care."
Do I even dare?

Could this be the root of my running
From the session so accepting

Of my anger and hurt toward him
Do I continue to let him in?

Or do I run and hide
Expecting to be rescued and for him to come to my side

Instead, I could come out
And talk to find what this is about

Feelings so intense
I feel like such a mess

Sometimes I feel so alone
that I just want to go Home

1991 clinicallyclueless

Poem: "Giving up" ~ December 1, 1991

When I began this blog, about a month ago, no one knew I was here. But, I was posting and looking around. Now, I actually have people that follow me. Well, I started off posting four of the five poems that I've ever written. The fifth will probably never be posted as it was a special gift to my husband. I was inspired to write the poems and haven't had that since, so who knows if I'll write another poem. But, since no one probably read them, I thought that this week I'd repost a few. (No, I'm not trying to get out of writing a post...I have three years of material just at this time and it grows each day). I've never really shared these before, so again I'm feeling a bit vulnerable as it is very raw to me even though they are about 17 years old.

Giving Up

If I had a gun, I'd put it to my head

I'd pull the trigger and I'd be dead

Lately, I wish I could die,

But, I know that it is just a lie

I think of dying in my car

But, I've come too far

To throw it all away

I hurt so much is what I need to really say

Healing seems so far away

I'd like to die today

Loneliness and emptiness--there seems to be no relief

God is always there is my belief

Lately, I'd rather die

Then, continue to fight this lie

Does anyone...Do I really understand

How much I need a helping hand

I think I hide so very well

It is hard for others to tell

My dark empty corner seems so safe and secure

Yet, I know reaching out is part of the cure

Sometimes, I don't know why I cry

When tears come, I don't want to continue to try

Feel like giving up

Feels like I've had enough

Lord, I really do need You to hold me

Your love and grace is what I want to see

I'm afraid You won't be near

When I really need You here

I want to rest in Your arms

But, I'm so afraid of harm

I know it is only Your grace

That has safely brought me to this place

I want to allow Your love in

But, sometimes I don't feel like I fit in

I know You understand

And, You have a better plan

I feel so hopeless right now

I need You to show me how

To connect with You and others is my struggle

Help me to stay out of trouble

Focusing on You is what I really need to do

But, thoughts of death fill my head too

I feel so empty inside

Will You please walk by my side

I need Your help to move

I forget that I don't need to prove

That I have it all together

(This does not even matter)

Admitting my deep need for You

Is something I seldom do

I need You to hold me

This is where I need to be

Inside I feel so very sick

I know I need to take a risk

I don't want to continue to hide

I want to stay by Your side

I know that You care

Especially when I despair

Cutting gives release

When I really need your peace

To You I want to turn

Especially, when I'd rather burn

It's You I want to choose

Even when I want to bruise

I wish I had no scars

I thank You for healing me this far

Continue to hold me tight

Even when I try to fight

Increase a desire to live

I want to be able to give

I love You so much

Even when I want to give up

1991 clinicallyclueless

Blog Screamfest ~ Please Join Me!!

Now you need to know that I now am sure that my therapist is crazy (just kidding), but I was not able to sleep last night as nightmares persisted until I couldn't take it anymore and got up. Kept dreaming that someone I knew or my mother was in earshot to assist in helping me from being attacked by unknown assailants in my bed (various know and unknown places), but I could not scream. My brain kept saying, scream, but no matter how I tried nothing would come out. I kept waking up terrified or like I was suffocating. So, my therapist suggested that I scream on my blog and then thought I could have others join me if they want.

Here goes my scream:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Anyone else want to join?

Entry: June 25, 2005 & June 30, 2005 ~ 4:30 pm

Geoffrey,

I'm having really mixed feelings about having told you about the bruising. It really touched me that you teared up. I know that I can't do that for myself right now. Today, remembering that helped me not to bruise, even though, I eventually gave in. Felt good to also let you in, but also really scared me...never really told anyone before...details of the cutting and bruising and burning. Scared me to hear me talk about how much sometimes it is about harming myself and how much pain I can inflict...Sometimes, really feels that I can't inflict enough pain.

Some of the thoughts scare me too like the ones where breaking a bone would be okay. I also keep having the image of taking a knif and stabbing my right leg over and over again or taking my hands and putting it through a window. Feels good not to keep it to myself. However, I really feel bad. Both because I do it and because I talked...fells like I did somthing wrong and need to be punished.

Also, feel like crying...kind of sad that I've kept it to myself for so long. Also, sad that I've been doing it for so long ans that it was what I came up with to cope with the chaos in my life. Feels good that you seem to understand me more Especially that you believe that I mean it when I promise I won't, but then I can't stop. That it isn't about you being angry at you or about you trying to control my behavior. I also really want your help to stop. Also, feel bad about it.

JUNE 27, 2005 ~ 4:30 pm

Geoffrey,

Today seemed sort of okay. I think the AM medication addition has helped, but I came home and briefly bruised. Scares me how badly I bruised on Saturday and today. It is the worse that I've done since I began again. I'm not even sure why or what sparked it...it just sort of seemed to happen today.

Yesterday was really difficult and I was really angry with you. I really scared myself with the suicidal thoughts and wanting, so badly to act out. I actually purchased the alcohol, razors, laxatives, enema and lighter.

Observation: I'm not sure what is going on at this point in time. It could be that I am defending against what is trying to come up and/or my reaction to finally telling Geoffrey the truth about the self-harm which I have never told anyone...I gave him details including how many times and that blood is always drawn. I also think I was really angry, but I don't know about what.

Actually making the purchases was a scary thing and I did tell him and gave him all of the stuff. My self injury was addictive and out of control. Again, I am obviously in serious trouble and probably needed to be hospitalized which I now know was a scary time for Geoffrey, but he knew that it I wasn't in agreement with the hospitalization that it wouldn't work and that I would get worse. Hence, we continued the five days per week plus telephone calls. Also, I was continuing to work full-time.