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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Thursday & Friday Sessions ~ feeling out of control!!

I'm reacting to Thursday's session. I unexpectedly ended up having a double session and the last hour I just talked about how angry I at my mother I was. I've never done anything close to that. So, now everything has increased (suicidal thoughts and self-injury urges) and I pushed my therapist away on Friday and left feeling disconnected to him and to myself. I'm so angry at myself right now.

I just really feel angry at the whole world and am pushing my husband away, trying to pick fights with him (welcome to borderlineville). Anger with my mother, I've avoided like the plague...it is the hardest thing for me. Now, it is all going inward and I really want to cut. I haven't had it this bad in a long time. I've taken all the PRNs I can. I keep thinking just a few cuts. But, I know that won't be it and will start it up again, but I feel like I just need to calm down.

And, the thought of "I need to die," just runs through my head over and over no matter what I do. Then, I get angry because I've always had thoughts or feelings like that because I internalized my mother's wishing that I were never born or dead. Words she actually said to me. She had to have know about the abuse. I'm just really angry at her. But, as a substitute I pushed my therapist away and left feeling like he doesn't care and really disconnected from him. I even had this brief thought of running him over with my car.

It feels all crazy inside. And, then I get sad, hopeless and really depressed. I just need to die. So, that is how I am...I feel like sobbing now, but I will not allow that especially with my husband home. I did leave a message asking my therapist to call me, but I don't think that he will. But, I don't feel like anyone is going to respond to me or cares. Welcome, to Clueless's Borderlineville. *SIGH*


Tamara (TC) Staples said...


You are not alone! I care and I know that many others do also. I am really sorry to hear that Thurs and Fri sessions were so difficult and triggering. I am certain that your therapist will call you back. It sounds like you have been through a lot together and he surely understands.

I really hope that you don't hurt yourself. I understand how upsetting it can be to admit anger at your mother. But, I found that it can sometimes be empowering also. You deserved her love and protection and it sounds like she didn't give it. That is her failing not yours. That was her job as a mother. Could you possibly use the anger and hurt to say - I deserved better than what my mother gave!? I am worthy of a mother's love even if mine was incapable.

I hope I haven't overstepped! Please be safe and no that we are here for you!


Clueless said...

You have not overstepped. I appreciate you supportive and encouraging comment. Thanks for helping me not feel so alone. Yes, my therapist called me back and he really does understand. What I'm going through is to be expected after Thursday. He says I go 2 steps forward and 1 1/2 steps back. What you said about my mother helps me to keep it focused on her rather than wanting to turn it back upon myself. Thank you!!

Anonymous said...

Mother anger is certainly tough.

I don't have the same sort of experience, but I have watched my own mother struggle over many years with her mother - my nan.

Mum says that nan never treated her very well. She doesn't say too much, but one incident she recalled to me is when nan insisted she had done something wrong - mum hadn't. Nan wanted mum to admit she was lying but she wasn't. Because of that, my nan gave my mum's icecream to a stranger. Later, nan realised the truth by herself but never appologised.

Mum says that's just one example of nan's cruelty to her as a child.

But the really crappy stuff happened when mum fell pregnant as a 17 year old in the 60's. My grandmother worked ruthlessly with the doctor to adopt the child out, even though mum wanted to keep him. She tells me that nan said to her, "There is no way on earth you are keeping that child".

Mum nearly died giving birth to my half-brother. And he was taken away. My nan burned the adoption papers, and never spoke of it again for many years.

Now, my nan says it was mum's decision to have the child adopted.

Some mothers can be unutterably cruel to their children.

I hope you're starting to feel better.

Clueless said...

@svasti. Yes, I am. I spoke with my therapist for an hour on the telephone and have been emailing back and forth with an blogfriend that has been really helpful. What was also helpful was I did another Wordle. Thank you. Mother issues are the hardest, at least, that is what I used to tell people...now, I'm living it.

Hus av många said...

Do you have a survivor box? It really helps me a lot when I am out of control with wanting to SI. If you'd like to know about it, I'd be happy to tell you how to make one. They are a crisis box. I was taught to do them when I was in the DID hospital in DC.


Clueless said...

I don't know what that is, so yes I'd like to hear about it. I have a list to go through though.

Wandering Coyote said...

I'd like to know more about a crisis box, too. It sound intriguing.

Clueless, have you ever tried squeezing ice cubes when you have cutting urges? I had a therapist a few years ago who introduced me to this technique, and I've found it quite helpful. It stimulates the same endorphins that cutting does, but is completely harmless. And yeah, it HURTS if you squeeze long enough and hard enough. Trust me.

Just a thought.

I hope you're coping OK now.

Clueless said...

@wandering coyote. Ice is a trigger for me especially if I have to hold it. I am feeling better...talking to my T for an hour this morning, emails back and forth with a blogfriend, making a new Wordle and PRNs are helping. Unlike yesterday and this morning, PRNs were not helpful.

j said...

Checking in after a hectic weekend to offer my support. There is a reason you have been avoiding these feelings -- they are powerful! But you have a good support system, a therapist you trust, and a powerful faith. You can get through the feelings. I hope you were able to continue to hold off on cutting.

Katie's Blog said...

A survivor box is something they taught me to use at the DID hosptial in DC. Because when you begin to feel hopeless and start dissociating, you tend to really leave reality and your feelings of wanting to die or SI become overwhelming. The survivor box is really just meant to last until you can get to your therapist.

But I went to Target and bought a pretty pink basket to use as mine. And you put something in it for all five of your senses. Something to smell, taste, touch, hear, and look at. I used candles, peppermint, a cookie monster Rachel likes, some relaxation CD's and some pictures of someone special. You can put anything you want in it. I also have grounding beads in mine too.

When you start feeling overly self injurous or suicidal, pull out your box. It helps to also have a list of people in it you can call as a last resort. Sometimes just calling T and listening to her voice on her voice mail helps me.

Clueless said...

@jennifer. I've been able to hold off on the cutting, but it has been difficult. I just feel so crazy right now. I go from feeling really angry, to sad, starting arguements with my husband, suicidal to really depressed.

Clueless said...

@Katie's blog. Thank you for the suggestion. I realize that I do sort of have that. I have a voice recorder of things that my T has recorded for me over the past couple of years which helps me to feel more grounded and I've called many many times just to hear the answering machine. He knows I'm the hang up calls. Any other type of noise drives me crazy and agitates me more.

I have cards from my T and some encouraging notes and my own encouraging thoughts that I wrote down. I really can't read beyond that.

I can't handle anything scented due to my allergies and almost everything triggers me. However, the smell of coffee, even the beans, is a comfort and relaxes me and I have a pillow from my T's office with his scent on it. That helps too. I can also leave him a message. I do have tools. Thank you for reminding me. I really need to talk to him...tomorrow morning!!! I love the kit idea, but the pillow and recorder travel back and forth with me.

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