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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Entry: June 17/18, 2005 ~ 9pm/3pm

Geoffrey,

Feeling like I need to disappear. Like I don't have the right to exist. Like I need to justify existing. Like I just deserve to die. Everything - my thinking, my feelings and my body just goes blank and numb...just disappear...sometimes, feels like I'm not supposed to be here that I should never have been born. I don't have the right to exist. I think a little about when you explained about the infant playing dead...I wonder if that is part of the disappearing [If an infant is not responded for a period of time, it gives up. Then, when the mother tries to reconnect the infant does not respond, plays dead.]

I Remember, my mother saying it would be easier for her if she never had me...felt like a burden that she had to take care of and at the same time felt like I had to exist to take care of her. Often, felt like she wished that I was never born especially when it came to James. I knew he didn't want me around, even said so and would threaten to send me to live with my father...I was the cause of all their problems. If I died, it would make it better for them. Felt like I was just an obligation to my father, one that he didn't even want. I was an interruption to Grandpa's day. Sometimes, felt like I was a burden to everyone and that it would make it better if I died or was never born.

When James and my mother fought or when things began to feel overwhelming, threatening or demanding which sometimes would happen just while watching television or being in the care, I used to disappear especially when they fought. Felt good to not think, feel and to physically go numb. It was an escape. A way to quiet things or to try to stay out of the way or not be noticed when they fought. Maybe, then it wouldn't get directed at me. I would just disappear. Same thing during the sexual abuse...just go away, disappear, don't exist.

I know I started disappearing more as I got older...just zone out. Too much, too scared, too much pain, too much anger, too confusing, too much to feel. Feels sad and hopeless, like the only thing that would make it better is just to curl up and die...completely disappear to be safe...maybe, if I'm not noticed, I won't get hurt.

[Crying continues to be an issue in session]...Just really wanting to withdraw and disappear...make the tears go away. Feel stuck. Familiar bind of needing to cry, but feeling like it is not safe to do so...that I wont be attended to. Sometimes crying felt dangerous...that it could trigger someone's anger and I could get hurt. Learned to make the tears go away by disappearing.

[Again the tension of really wanting to bruise, cut or burn and the suicidal thoughts are really loud] Lately, I've been feeling bad all the time. I've been talking too much and that I'm going to be in trouble or punished or something really bad is going to happen.

I broke my promise again, so I feel even worse. I feel really bad. I meant it when I told you that I would not bruise until I saw you. Now, I'm really anxious. [I left a message telling him that I bruised and it helped to relieve some tension]. Still feeling like I need to disappear and go away. Maybe, I'm just trying to tell you how much pain I am in and how bad I feel.

Now, the suicidal thoughts are really strong. I really just want to die. I want to buy the alcohol, go to the beach and take the pills. Could jump off the pier...better than a building. Feels like it wouldn't matter. Thought about purchasing the razors and laxatives today. Occasionally, I've been using enemas...do I tell you this or not? Can't believe I actually wrote it.

[Entry to be continued tomorrow]

10 comments:

Katie's Blog said...

I could have written this.And one of my abusers' was named James too. Our stories are so similar it scares me.

Clueless said...

I'm glad and sorry that you can relate. It makes me feel not so alone. (By the way, James is not his real name...and mine is not Clueless...hee, hee).

Chica. said...

Crying is hard for me to do for the very reason you describe--someone might be mad at me for doing so. What a horrible way for one to live! And, yet, I can never cry in public and if I do let out one or two tears before I suck it up, then I'm embarrassed.

Anyway, I understand.

Clueless said...

Chica thanks. I can even hide it from my therapist of 20 years although it is getting more difficult and I feel like there is a flood gate that is about to break, so all my defenses of suicidal ideation and self harm are way up...thank God the PRNs are helping me. It feels good to have someone understand and to read what I write...thanks Chica. One of my best friends calls me Chica or just puts an "a" at the end of my name. I like it. It is such a term of endearment.

Katie's Blog said...

I have a good T now but last year had one that nearly killed me..she said I made her have sadistic thoughts and emotionally blackmailed her. Then she accused me of stealing her clock (which I did not do) and said I didn't remember doing it. I OD'd that and she dumped me. This after months and months of her threatening to dump me if I talked about self injury and suicide. It is nice to have someone I can actually open up to and talk with honestly. It helps those feelings go away more.

Clueless said...

Oh, how awful. Those were some of my biggest fears. It took me about five years to find the one I have. I'm not giving him up and he hasn't given up on me after knowing him 20 plus years. You know it is funny...he looks older but I don't...just kidding. We both look about 20 years older.

Polar Bear said...

I know how that feels like. I often feel as if I am disappearing too. Like something inconsequential.

Clueless said...

Even though those words were written three years ago, I still feel like that. I've come to realize for me that it is a defense in actually feeling or dealing with what is at hand. But, I needed my therapist to talk do about needing to disappear to get to this point...tough work, but you have the fight in you even when you don't feel like it. Given what giant polar bear steps, you've been taking my natural reaction would be I don't have the right to exist, I need to disappear.

austin said...

the part about worrying that crying would trigger anger really hits home with me.

My mother said I was a burden but how could I be, she carried nothing on her shoulders at all. Like your family, she was the one being a burden.

Austin

Clueless said...

I can really relate to both of your statements. I'm terrified at any sign of anger or anything that I interpret as anger which just could be a slight change in voice inflection that is nothing. Noise...seems like when I'm fragmenting everything scares me.

When I'm fragmenting, I feel like a burden to everyone.

It is amazing how PTSD and how words can really do so much damage to a child. I feel for both of us...kinda sad and kinda angry.

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