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Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

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Disclaimer: Although I have worked with persons with mental illness for twenty years, I do not have a Master's Degree or a license. This is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care or treatment. Please obtain professional assistance from the resources listed on the right of the page, if needed. And call 911 if you or someone is in immediate danger.

A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Today's Session ~ Rage, My Therapist is Crazy!

I just returned from my session and my therapist is crazy. Ever since I introduced him to Wordle, he has been assigning me homework or at least suggesting to Wordle. He is trying to keep me focused on my rage toward my step father's mother and my mother which is where I am at emotionally. My suicidal thoughts, wanting to die and urge to self-injure are defenses against feeling the rage and sadness. Yesterdays, assignment was to focus on my feelings about my step-father's mother. Today, is to focus on my homicidal rage and thoughts of revenge and retaliation. My therapist is crazy...actually, he is trying to keep me from feeling crazy. But, this is excrutiating work. Just thought I would up date you on what is currently going on. He also knows what is being posted on my blog. I am not going to share the majority of the Wordle's as they are too personal and would possibly reveal who I am. Please do not try this on your own without speaking to your own therapist or doctor as it is very powerful and can bring up stuff that you will NEED to process in order to stay safe.


Tracy said...

Hugs, just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and you are in my prayers.

Clueless said...

Thank you, Tracy. Feels like I'm in a really tough season...maybe, that is why I started my blog when I did. Maybe, I knew that I was going to require additional support.

Tamara (TC) Staples said...


Sounds like you have a great therapist that you really trust. But, I must agree he is giving you some serious assignments lately.

Be safe and know that we are here for you.

I admire your honesty and your courage in really getting in there and doing the hard work!

Circling you with strength and love,

Unknown said...

Hey Dear
Has anyone ever told you what risks there are to bruising?

My aunt, who was abused by one of the same who abused me, picks at her breasts. She has caused really severe damage to herself because she does it and doesn't know it most times.

Have you tried hypnotism to stop the bruising?

Much love and endless prayers

Unknown said...

You are really tough. You have compassion and courage, I admire you. I know inside you don't feel that way, but I see it. I understand. We Victims of abuse as children can feel like walking dead at times. But you are alive. Someone said to me once when I was in the hospital, during one our group times that we are the most sane individuals in a dysfunctional (codependent, abusive, sadistic..etc) family circus. They are the ones trying to ignore that pink elephant and we are the ones asking it if he would like a drink. We are just more hospitable. Some days will be worse others. Its like cleaning house. It will get dirty again, and at times it can get dirtier than before. Just know that you will do the work to get it clean, and get back to life, until this messy thing we call life gets it dirty again. Just make sure you don't let others throw their crap around and expect you to clean it up. Much Love and many prayers, Claudia

Clueless said...

@tamara. Thank you! Yes, I trust him and also know that he is only assigning me the things I'm already talking about, so by having me focus on it more it takes my defenses down a bit. Then, they are back, but more time has passed.

@Claudia. I really do not need any advice on the dangers and the treatment options. Thank you for your support and concern.

Yes, we are often the most sane...the ones who seek treatment. The others remain in their dysfunctional ways and do not even know it. I'll try not to get dirty. Thanks again.

Unknown said...

You've got some hard work ahead of you, just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you..hugsss.Mary

Clueless said...

@Mary. Thank you. Yes, this is the hardest work of all...why else would all of my defenses be coming out so strongly right now and all over the place. Thank you for your support and encouragement. I'm going to really need it.

For My Love said...

It must be so difficult to face your pain creating those Wordles. I plan to make a couple, but will have less graphic terms than you. Stick with it and you'll make it through.

Clueless said...

@preciousrock. Thank you again.

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