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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Poem: "Running" ~ December 18, 1991


Lord, do you really understand
How much I need Your loving hand?

To guide and to hold
Don't ever let go

I hurt so much now
I don't know how

I'll ever get thru
without You

I know that it is this I try
Without You to get by

Do You really know how much I wish I would die
So, that I don't have to cry

I feel like such a child
That wants to run wild

I want to scream and scream
And scream and scream

No words that I know
I guess this is my way to show

How angry and hurt
Sometimes, I feel like dirt

So filthy and dirty
I wonder if I'lll ever feel pretty

I feel so utterly hopeless
No end to this emptiness

It is so dark and so cold
Feels as if there is no one to hold

Jesus, I know You are there
I need to feel Your loving care

To lead me into Your light
Please, hold me tight

Don't ever let go
I'm afraid You will You know

Warmth and connection I fear the most
Sometimes, I'd like to run to a different coast

My way is to run and run and run
Will I ever stop and learn to have fun

I want to push everyone away
And I want them to stay

Trusting Geoffrey is hard
Will I ever reveal the card

That says, "I love and I care."
Do I even dare?

Could this be the root of my running
From the session so accepting

Of my anger and hurt toward him
Do I continue to let him in?

Or do I run and hide
Expecting to be rescued and for him to come to my side

Instead, I could come out
And talk to find what this is about

Feelings so intense
I feel like such a mess

Sometimes I feel so alone
that I just want to go Home
1991 clinicallyclueless


Anonymous said...

Oh, CC, I read these and I simply want to sit and hold your hand and let you know you've been heard. It's all so complicated but then again, all too disastrously simple really. Too much pain - pain you should never have had to carry. Know that you're not alone. I mean, not just spiritually but in this world too.

I so understand the 'i just want to go home' sentiment, the confusion - the torn, lost bleeding pieces that seem to have been scattered everywhere and you're afraid that trying to put it all back together will wound you more.

All I can say is that at least in this you have choices now where you never could've dreamed of having them before so I am not surprised you'd want to run, to hold back and hide.

Even when the pain is at its worst, still now I think you are free. Not free from struggle - we're never free of that but free to be you, whatever that means, wherever it takes you. There's something quite valuable in that.

Clueless said...

Thank you CK, I really feel heard by you. It is kind of weird that I wrote these 17 years ago, but I feel like I'm in a similar place only deeper and more intense and taking better care of myself. They made me cry when I actually took the time to read them because there is still much pain. It is different than the one that I wrote about, but that doesn't matter it still touches my heart in an even more vulnerable place. Thank you for being there for me.

Katie's Blog said...

Aww, that made me cry. :(


Marj aka Thriver said...

I often want to go home, too. But I don't have any "home," in the family-of-origin sense anyway.

Sorry it took me so long to get over here. You asked me to look at your sidebar and I think it is a brave way of sharing. I also think it's a good idea to have the trigger warning at the top--very responsible blogging!

Hey, maybe when I get THE BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE up again after its summer hiatus, you can join us in the poetry category with one of these powerful poems. Think about it.

Clueless said...

@ Katie's blog. Thanks.

@marj. Thanks for taking a look. Home meant heaven. I would be willing to submit a poem. Yes, the sidebar was a decision that I made and even though it was difficult it felt like I need to do it and I'm proud that I could. My therapist said it was the most courageous thing I've ever done.

Unknown said...

Well written CC, brought tears to my eyes huggs my friend..Mary

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