Running
Lord, do you really understand
How much I need Your loving hand?
To guide and to hold
Don't ever let go
I hurt so much now
I don't know how
I'll ever get thru
without You
I know that it is this I try
Without You to get by
Do You really know how much I wish I would die
So, that I don't have to cry
I feel like such a child
That wants to run wild
I want to scream and scream
And scream and scream
No words that I know
I guess this is my way to show
How angry and hurt
Sometimes, I feel like dirt
So filthy and dirty
I wonder if I'lll ever feel pretty
I feel so utterly hopeless
No end to this emptiness
It is so dark and so cold
Feels as if there is no one to hold
Jesus, I know You are there
I need to feel Your loving care
To lead me into Your light
Please, hold me tight
Don't ever let go
I'm afraid You will You know
Warmth and connection I fear the most
Sometimes, I'd like to run to a different coast
My way is to run and run and run
Will I ever stop and learn to have fun
I want to push everyone away
And I want them to stay
Trusting Geoffrey is hard
Will I ever reveal the card
That says, "I love and I care."
Do I even dare?
Could this be the root of my running
From the session so accepting
Of my anger and hurt toward him
Do I continue to let him in?
Or do I run and hide
Expecting to be rescued and for him to come to my side
Instead, I could come out
And talk to find what this is about
Feelings so intense
I feel like such a mess
Sometimes I feel so alone
that I just want to go Home
Lord, do you really understand
How much I need Your loving hand?
To guide and to hold
Don't ever let go
I hurt so much now
I don't know how
I'll ever get thru
without You
I know that it is this I try
Without You to get by
Do You really know how much I wish I would die
So, that I don't have to cry
I feel like such a child
That wants to run wild
I want to scream and scream
And scream and scream
No words that I know
I guess this is my way to show
How angry and hurt
Sometimes, I feel like dirt
So filthy and dirty
I wonder if I'lll ever feel pretty
I feel so utterly hopeless
No end to this emptiness
It is so dark and so cold
Feels as if there is no one to hold
Jesus, I know You are there
I need to feel Your loving care
To lead me into Your light
Please, hold me tight
Don't ever let go
I'm afraid You will You know
Warmth and connection I fear the most
Sometimes, I'd like to run to a different coast
My way is to run and run and run
Will I ever stop and learn to have fun
I want to push everyone away
And I want them to stay
Trusting Geoffrey is hard
Will I ever reveal the card
That says, "I love and I care."
Do I even dare?
Could this be the root of my running
From the session so accepting
Of my anger and hurt toward him
Do I continue to let him in?
Or do I run and hide
Expecting to be rescued and for him to come to my side
Instead, I could come out
And talk to find what this is about
Feelings so intense
I feel like such a mess
Sometimes I feel so alone
that I just want to go Home
1991 clinicallyclueless
6 comments:
Oh, CC, I read these and I simply want to sit and hold your hand and let you know you've been heard. It's all so complicated but then again, all too disastrously simple really. Too much pain - pain you should never have had to carry. Know that you're not alone. I mean, not just spiritually but in this world too.
I so understand the 'i just want to go home' sentiment, the confusion - the torn, lost bleeding pieces that seem to have been scattered everywhere and you're afraid that trying to put it all back together will wound you more.
All I can say is that at least in this you have choices now where you never could've dreamed of having them before so I am not surprised you'd want to run, to hold back and hide.
Even when the pain is at its worst, still now I think you are free. Not free from struggle - we're never free of that but free to be you, whatever that means, wherever it takes you. There's something quite valuable in that.
Thank you CK, I really feel heard by you. It is kind of weird that I wrote these 17 years ago, but I feel like I'm in a similar place only deeper and more intense and taking better care of myself. They made me cry when I actually took the time to read them because there is still much pain. It is different than the one that I wrote about, but that doesn't matter it still touches my heart in an even more vulnerable place. Thank you for being there for me.
Aww, that made me cry. :(
Kathryn
I often want to go home, too. But I don't have any "home," in the family-of-origin sense anyway.
Sorry it took me so long to get over here. You asked me to look at your sidebar and I think it is a brave way of sharing. I also think it's a good idea to have the trigger warning at the top--very responsible blogging!
Hey, maybe when I get THE BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE up again after its summer hiatus, you can join us in the poetry category with one of these powerful poems. Think about it.
@ Katie's blog. Thanks.
@marj. Thanks for taking a look. Home meant heaven. I would be willing to submit a poem. Yes, the sidebar was a decision that I made and even though it was difficult it felt like I need to do it and I'm proud that I could. My therapist said it was the most courageous thing I've ever done.
Well written CC, brought tears to my eyes huggs my friend..Mary
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