Welcome!!! Please, if you are new here, READ THIS FIRST!!! Thank You!!!

Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

All images and content are Copyright © to ClinicallyClueless. All rights to the images and all content on this site and on all ClinicallyClueless materials belong exclusively to the artist/author. No use of any content, commercial or non-commercial is permitted without written consent from the author and artist.

Disclaimer: Although I have worked with persons with mental illness for twenty years, I do not have a Master's Degree or a license. This is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care or treatment. Please obtain professional assistance from the resources listed on the right of the page, if needed. And call 911 if you or someone is in immediate danger.

A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

"Millenium Prayer Song" ~ Sir Cliff Richard

This charity song is a wonderful combination of the Lord's Prayer and the famous tune, Auld Lang Syne. Sir Cliff Richard gave all the proceeds of the song to aid charity Children's Promise.






Friday, December 25, 2009

"Isn't There Anyone Who Can Tell Me What Christmas is All About??!!"

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!

Christmas 1965 ~ Olivia Newton-John

Olivia Newton John - 'Christmas Time Down Under' 1965

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas 1984 ~ Band Aid

"Do They Know Its Christmas Time"



Way back in the 80s there was a run of the top musician at the time getting together to record a song for different charitable purposes. This one the proceeds went to raise money for relief of the famine in Ethiopia. This is one of them. Share who you recognize.








It's Christmas time
There's no need to be afraid
At Christmas time, we let in light and we banish shade
And in our world of plenty we can spread a smile of joy

Throw your arms around the world at Christmas time

But say a prayer

Pray for the other ones
At Christmas time it's hard, but when you're having fun
There's a world outside your window
And it's a world of dread and fear
Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears
And the Christmas bells that ring there
Are the clanging chimes of doom
Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you

And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time
The greatest gift they'll get this year is life
(Oooh) Where nothing ever grows
No rain nor rivers flow
Do they know it's Christmas time at all

(Here's to you) raise a glass for everyone
(Here's to them) underneath that burning sun
Do they know it's Christmas time at all

Feed the world, feed the world, feed the world
Let them know it's Christmas time again

Feed the world
Let them know it's Christmas time again
Feed the world
Let them know it's Christmas time again
Feed the world
Let them know it's Christmas time again
Feed the world
Let them know it's Christmas time again

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Christmas 1975 ~ Greg Lake

"I Believe in Father Christmas"


I found this treasure over at Hot Rock's Unique Designer Jewelry which has lots of pretty treasures of another kind. Go check it out!!

To find out more about this song by Greg Lake of Emerson, Lake and Palmer watch the video below.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Christmas 1965 ~ Supremes

"Children's Christmas Song"


Monday, December 21, 2009

Doggies Decorate the Tree!!

This little treat I found over at my friend, Ruth Ballie's blog, Inside the Artisan. She silver jewelry that make you smile from whimsical, cute, funny, playful, comforting and warm your heart pieces. Go checkout her website, Birdland Creations. In the meantime, enjoy this dog gone cute Christmas video...woof!!!


Sunday, December 20, 2009

What Begins My Christmas!!

John Denver and the Muppets...of course!!!

Saturday, December 19, 2009

PEACE!!


The following is from Blog Things. Please click on the bottom link to find out what your "word" is. Tell me does it fit. Mine does.

My Word is "Peace"


You see life as precious, and you wish everyone was safe, happy, and taken care of.

Social justice, human rights, and peace for all nations are all important to you.


While you can't stop war, you try to be as calm and compassionate as possible in your everyday life.

You promote harmony and cooperation. You're always willing to meet someone a little more than halfway.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Turn the Water Off!!

I've been having quite a difficult time in therapy. Some due to the fallout from my letter to my mother. I sure have discovered who is my real family. Quite painful. The lack of responsiveness from my mother has been hurtful. I am coming to terms with that I will never receive from her the things that I have always hoped for and tried to obtain, that she is really sick, that most of my family is quite shallow and unsupportive, my aunt (only ten years older) is emotionally my mother, and not going to the holidays this year and no one expressing any interest in my decision, no one expressing concern for my health and many others.
However, all this pales in God's biggest gift to me this year...reconnecting with my aunt and her partner. It feels so good to have them back in my life after more than 15 years.
In therapy, for the last three sessions, I've just sobbed. I keep tearing up all the time. Feels like grief of who I thought was my family, letting go of my wishes that my mother would move toward me and other things mixed in that I don't yet understand. Needless to say, I am exhausted between therapy, my continued respiratory problems and my shingles...I am tired of being sick.
Sorry, but all of this has disrupted my posting. However, things are getting better...emotionally, I think.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Holidays ~ A Time for Change

During the past several months, I've made significant changes in my life for this holiday season. I am not spending any holiday with my family. I am doing what I want and what is healthy for me at this time rather than what is "expected of me." Yes, this has had some undesirable ramifications; but, I am less stressed.

These are some tips about dealing with the holidays:

  1. Remember what you want and carry that out even if it goes against what is expected of you by friends and family.
  2. Be realistic with your time. Don't over do it.
  3. Don't over do it on spending. Be realistic.
  4. Spend time thinking and doing what you can control. You can't control your family.
  5. Delegate and ask for what you need.
  6. Make your own family traditions.
  7. Make room to spend time with the people that you enjoy.
These are difficult to do even though they sound simple. Remember, holidays are supposed to be fun and joyful. Happy Holidays!!!

Sunday, December 13, 2009

"I Will Carry You" ~ Michael W. Smith ~ Worship in Song,

I Will Carry You by Michael W. Smith

We were never meant to walk this road alone. lets begin to stand in the gap for one another.

Sometimes I wonder if my beating heart has a reason
The thought of breathing only takes my breath away
Ive spent so many nights wrestling with this feeling
Do I have the strength to make it through the day
But I was never meant
To walk this road alone
I can always trust you
When you say

I will carry you
Be your strength
And pull you through
Reach for me
And take my hand
We will pray
And we will stand
In a world
Crying out for peace
Let your heart be strong
For when I am weak
You will carry me

Sometimes you wonder if the road youre on has a reason
Its hard to go on when you just dont know
We can shoulder all the weight of life between us
Until the fear of what we cannot see is gone
cause we were never meant
To walk this road alone
We are bound together
When we say...

Saturday, December 12, 2009

45 Lessons of Life

This was an email sent to me and from all the things that I read on the internet, it is probably true. Either way it makes you think.

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old. "To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written." My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2.When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch .
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7.. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Which ones are your favorites and what makes them special to you? OR Share a favorite one that you have.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Christmas Shoes

I just couldn't resist posting this...be prepared to cry! Well, at least I do everytime. But, it does make you think about what is important in life and how one person can make a difference!!

When I was working, I usually anonymously gave gifts to clients who didn’t have family or someone to give them something. My favorite one was giving this very, tall, street-smart, tough attitude with the looks to go with it, a Mickey Mouse stuffed animal (he had admired a coworker’s one). He just loved it and showed everyone and kept asking who gave it to him…everyone’s answer was Santa. Just to see the joy that sprung from underneath his tough life brought tears to my eyes. Giving to others is usually much more of a blessing to me than those that I receive. Warms my heart.

Share a moment where there was a specific gift that you really, really wanted to give someone or a time when someone gave you a gift that you really wanted or needed. Big or small , a word, a prayer, a smile...anything at all. Sharing about the true joy of Christmas...giving from the heart.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Worship in Song ~ "I Will Go" ~ Hillsong London






I have found myself in You, the purpose for my life
I discover who I am, as Your spirit touches mine
Every step I take, every move I make
You are by my side
And I will be strong, my strength is in you

I will go where You want me to go
I will do what You want me to do
Yes I will go where You want me to go
I will be who You want me to be

Anything for You
When You ask me I will go
You show the way before me
In Your word I find the truth
You lead me on this journey

Those who trust in you, ever praising You
Will find their strength renewd
I'm gonna make it, make it happen

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Odd Man Out ~ Uh, Oh!!


Share one of those moments when at the last second you go...uh, oh!!!

Friday, December 4, 2009

Yet, Another Interruption!!!


Well, now I have shingles. I guess I just wanted to add just one more event to this year. Sheesh... As a result, my postings will be sporatic once again. However, I do have some more light-hearted posts already scheduled.

There has been a lot of events in my life since the end of last year and I know many of you know it, but for those who don't quick summary :

October 2008 ~ mass removed, possible cancer, benign. Is lipoma

Thanksgiving/Christmas ~ family stress/with just the holidays as usual, but with triggers this time and begin to decompensate.

Jan/Feb 2009 ~ 24 day psychiatric hospitalization

March 2009 ~ not unpacked from hospitalization yet and am hospitalized 7 days for very serious pneumonia

March 2009 ~ day after I'm discharged from the hospital my father-in-law is diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, hospice in place, given one week to six months.

April 2009 ~ father-in-law not doing well has hospice nurse in home. He passes away on 4/26/09
Funeral Service ~ May 1st
Burial Service ~ May 9th
May 10, 2009 ~ a forty two day psychiatric hospitalization; part of lung collapsed.

July 2009 ~ bronchitis

July 2009 ~ still recovering from pneumonia

August 2009 ~ still having shortness of breath, fatigue and shallow breathing. Testing begins to evaluate immune system.

September 2009 ~ send one of "those" letters to my mother. Family gets turned upside down and lots of chaos and hurtful responses and family closet opens.

October 2009 ~ begin infusion treatment for low antibody. One time per month for a year. Infusion therapy: Via IV, antibody that is low is added to blood stream...Ouch. For me, it takes about 5 hours!!!

November 2009 ~ Aunt had back problems and surgery expected at beginning of December (Aunt is like a mother as she basically raised me). Grandmother showing cognitive problems. Decide not to attend any holidays with family...good decision, but emotional fall out.

December 2009 ~ Shingles and family drama continues. I am so tired and frustrated with this year and continue to pray for boring!! Hoping next year will be boring.

Other things: Vision changes, skin problems all over, and 60 pound weight gain due to medications for pneumonia, urinary tract infection, continue therapy at four times per week, and more!!! Despite all of this my faith in God remains strong although I wonder, if He knows what boring is. Feeling a little like Job in the Bible. Yet, I still love the Lord and know that he is with me.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

World AIDS Day 2009

Since I forgot to put something together for this day, I "stole" this from Queers United blog. Go check it out. It is quite informative and fun. Their subtitle says, "The activist blog uniting the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Intersexual, Asexual community & Allies in the fight for equality."
World AIDS Day and is an opportunity to educate and create awareness about the HIV/AIDS epidemic. The theme for this year is Universal Access and Human Rights in an effort to demand that all people have access to preventative resources and life saving medications.

HIV can be transmitted through anal, vaginal, and oral sex, and through the use of dirty and/or used needles. HIV can be transmitted through blood, semen, vaginal secretions, pre-ejaculate, and breast milk. Please always make sure to use protection, via condoms, female condoms, and dental dams for oral-genital contact.


December 1st is


AIDS has no boundaries it effects everyone from homosexual and heterosexual persons, from the young to the elderly, from upper class to middle class to lower income. It does not descriminate and no one is immune.

Action tips for the day:

-Wear a red ribbon to support AIDS awareness.
-Educate yourself about HIV/AIDS.
-Get tested for HIV/AIDS and other STI's.
-Discuss HIV/AIDS with others, urge them to get tested and learn more.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Thanksgiving and Overwhelmed!!!

I suppose that I should have expected that Thanksgiving was going to be difficult especially with not going. No one sent an email or called or reponded to my email stating that I would not be there. Apparently, the only one who is acknowledging my existence to me is my aunt and her partner. But, they are outcast too since "the letter."

I was finally able to admit that I was disappointed and that my feeling were hurt. Also, that my letter to my mother was a last ditch effort for her to respond appropriately to me. I have not had any contact with her at all. As my therapist puts it, "absolutely no maternal response."

Trying to deal with my anger, sadness, disappointment, grief, and reality with my mother and my family. Something I've been avoiding for almost 44 years. Dealing with this, my aunt going to have surgery, my health issues, the holidays, etc, has been quite overwhelming. I keep fragmenting as a defense. I am going to try to find a dermatologist today and have my monthly infusion treatment tomorrow.

I know that I've been away from my original format of writing from my past journals and then commenting on them. Do you want me to go back to that and along with current stuff?

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Poohful Words of Wisdom

pooh_4


“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. I'll always be with you.”



Winnie The Pooh by A. A. Milne

Illustrations by E.H. Shepard
1926

Share words of wisdom that you have seen or been told that will always be with you.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Where Am I?

On Black Friday,

...of course!!!!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Saturday, November 21, 2009

What Kind of Puzzle Are You?




You Are a Crossword Puzzle



You are well read, and you have a good head for remembering facts.

You are a wordsmith. You have a way with words, and you're very literate.

You are a mysterious person who enjoys dropping little clues every now and then.


Friday, November 20, 2009

One Day, I Will....

funny pictures of cats with captions


see more Lolcats and funny pictures

What is your "one day goal"...one that you will probably do despite the climb?

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Friday, November 13, 2009

Only Three Words

I normally don't mass forward emails, but I did for this one because it was so good. I thought, I would post it here.

There are female jokes and there are unisex jokes. Here is a
joke I consider a true female joke.

I offer it to you in the hopes
that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman
who will love it!


A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail
with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally
handsome, extremely
sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman
could not
take her eyes off him.



This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly
attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man
would.) Before
she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned
over and
whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that
you want me
to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00....

on one condition..."

Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the
condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you
want me to do
in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then
slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into
the man's
hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately
into his
eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and
slowly and
meaningfully said....







"Clean my house."

Thursday, November 12, 2009

I know that I've been jumping around with topics on my blog. Sorry. This is a continuation of my interaction with my uncle. This is my summary of him:
So, is he just a bit dense and naive with no malice intendened? Also, with an inability for insight and projects his emotions and thoughts onto everyone else? Additionally, reactionary and with the inability to see his part in things, so is not able to take responsibility and apologize. And, little understanding of the situation because it is too complex?
And, my mother is much sicker than I ever thought she was...and, I need to deal with this and the feelings

(Letter to mom. This is for search purposes only.)

(Letter to Mother. This is only for my personal searchs as blogger does not search by tags, much to my dismay)

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

On November 20th, join the blog campaign against child pornography!!


Child Pornography is a large problem and affects many innocent children. Please join the campaign on November 20th and write some type of post entitled, NO TO CHILD PORNOGRAPHY. My tags are the ones that are most commonly used by child pornographers on the Internet.

I also hope that people don’t just blast those with this problem…for most it is an addiction which includes shame and remorse. They need therapy it hides underlying issues. And, yes there are very disturbed individuals such as psychopaths. Please don't misunderstand me. I am appalled by child pornography.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Time for Another Health Update!!

Taking time out from my family drama for a health update. I remain on breathing treatments four times per day, continue to become short of breath, and have lots of fatigue and respiratory difficulties. My skin conditions have all come back. Some it may be due to stress. It isn't like I haven't had any stress...hmm, letter and response to my mother, therapy, health stress, trying to locate the N1H1 and influenza vaccinations, and the beat goes on!!

I had an eye examination early due to the corticosteroids. Apparently, they changed my vision for the worse by 40% and they are like I aged 10 years. He indicated it is rare that changes go back to baseline. Sigh!! But, I had an annual exam on October 30th and they were much better. Praise God!!!

On October 21st, I began
infusion therapy via IV to "add" that antibody to my blood. First off, I was very nervous, but my husband took the day off to be with me...he is so sweet. They gave me a substitute for what my doctor ordered...kind of like a generic. I was supposed to receive Gamunex. Anyway, I got dizzy, lightheaded, a headache and a little nausea. The fluid going in was painful and cold, so the very nice nurse put a heating pad around my arm and slowed the rate of flow. Then, I began to get itchy, so after not hearing from my doctor after paging him, therapy was discontinued. This was really a pain because the process has been messed up and delayed several times.

I saw my doctor who said that what they gave me has sorbital in it which may be the reason for my symptoms and which is why he always requests the Gamunex the more expensive one. Since I only receive half of the medication, I was scheduled again in two weeks (11.03.09) which went without too many problems. I did find out that my body cannot take higher rates so the flow will be slowed which will mean it will take longer...probably more that four hours with me on 50mg of Benadryl just in case...no worries, my husband will be driving and there with me.

I bring a book, a couple of magazines, my journal, oh and we bring a lunch. It has been prescribed for me one time per month for a year. My husband will be with me every time. Oh, the second time, I brought my own blanket. Also, I am to stay away from people who are sick, children, crowds, etc...I need to extra cautious as if I catch anything, it will likely end me up in the hospital. So, my world consists of the Internet, therapy four times per week, psychiatrist every other week, Nordstrom when not busy and various other doctor appointments.

Professional Patient,
CC

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Saturday, November 7, 2009

To Have a Child's Heart


Sometimes, I come across so very touching advertisements. Although this one is in a language that I can't understand, it touched my heart and made me cry.


Share some of your advertisements in which you have cried or almost or just touched your heart.

Friday, November 6, 2009

What is Your Theme Song?

During times in my life, I often find myself singing or having a particular song in my head. When I was first "dating" my husband, I was going to visit a friend in Las Vegas, which is about a four hour trip without traffic. As I said, "goodbye," for the first time while I was closing my car door he said, "I love you!" This was before cellular phones, so I had to drive all the way to Las Vegas for a three day weekend with that thought in my head. What timing he had!!! So, this became my theme song for that period of time...




Share a theme song and why it was or is one. YouTube videos welcome!!!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Cruel Response

After sending the email to my uncle he responded:

Well Coleen I'm sorry that you feel that way and to be perfectly honest with you, and I've said this before, this was always between you and your mother and you should have never gotten any of us involved. I didn't read your entire email because like most of yours you just ramble on about nothing. See you later and I hope someday you will get your shit together and get better. It's really up to you and no one else.
Mike


I guess, I should have seen it coming as I had "attacked" him. Nonetheless, I was quite angry and hurt. We have not had any sort of contact since. However, my aunt and her partner are quite supportive and also have issues with him of his behavior of late as well. They and my husband are quite angry.

I DID NOT send the following, but it did help me to feel better:

Michael,

Your actions of late feels like you are the dictator of the family suddenly. Like a little Hilter. Well, your reign has ended. You only were dictator in your mind, of course. I feel like you betrayed my trust, hurt my feelings and angered me. Oh, and nobody made you god either. I’m sorry that you seem to have to act like a child and aren’t able to take responsibility and see your part in anything or apologize. Fuck you for trying to make the world revolve around you. I feel like you don’t care or want me around. Well, you have your wish.

I don’t want to speak with, talk with you or write to you again seeing how you don’t read what I write anyway, “because I ramble on about nothing,” I’m really sorry that you have an attention span less than an ant. Most of your actions, with the exception of the last email, do not seem to have any malice intended. It is just that you are a bit dense and naïve. Also, with an inability for insight and you project your thoughts and emotions on to everone else. Well, you really hurt my feelings enough to where I, in total, have cried for hours because of how much you hurt me. But, you don’t care because you can’t take responsibility for anything. Oh, and I hurt you first…grow up already. Or is the situation too complex for your pea brain mind.

I am fucking angry at you because of how you dismiss me and my feelings. You never really listed which is made obvious by your actions. I don’t care what you say about not tipping Susan off to my letter, you are so dense that I actually do believe that you believe that you didn’t directly say anything to tip her off. Well, what ever you said to her tipped her off whether you know it or not. What the hell are you talking about my relationship with her anyway and then say that I got you involved. You have been to only one in the family that has gotten themselves involved. Even your kids were more appropriately responsive than you. Maybe, they can teach you something. Oh, but you do not seem teachable. I’m tired of banging my head to try to figure you out or to convince you how badly you hurt me because you can’t seem to get it…somehow, you make it my fault.

I am not at fault, but I am furious with you for getting so involved even though you keep saying that it is between my mother and myself. Yes, it is between Susan and me so keep your controlling nose out of my business. And, no my sending the letter was not an invitation for anyone to get involved. You are the only one who seems to think so and did get involved, even though you don’t see it. You have interferred with most things since I told you what was going on with me.

You bastard for telling me that my getting better is up to me. Fuck you for telling me to get my “shit together and get better.” Yes, it is up to me and I am getting and have been getting “my shit together” for many years. Contrary to what you want, this takes time for me and it doesn’t happen instantly. It isn’t the way you want it to be. I know that you don’t understand, but you could at least be supportive and not attacking. You would never have the courage to work through the things that I have to. Fuck you for telling me what to do!!! I am hurt and so furious that I feel like you betrayed me and that you can’t even begin to understand what it takes and what I’ve been through. Your words mean nothing to me now. I need to see supportive and loving action…if you even know what that means. By the way, you have so much shit to get together that you can’t even begin to see. At least, I know my shit and am working toward getting better.

I also didn’t realize how mean, cruel and insensitive that you can be, but your email and recent actions feel like you completely disregard anything I say or others say…You do what you want anyway without thinking that it could really hurt my feeling and make me angry. Fuck you for making my process more difficult!!!

Remember that I did not send this, but it was a great way to get out some of my anger!!

(Letter to Mother. This is only for my personal searchs as blogger does not search by tags, much to my dismay)

(Letter to mom. This is for search purposes only.)

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

An Email to My Uncle

I was so angry with the way my uncle was treating me and what he had been doing that I emailed him the following:
Michael,

I can’t even begin to tell you how angry, hurt and betrayed that I feel because of what you have done. Also, sad because I do not trust you anymore. First of all, when we met at Wild Thyme you had promised not to say anything to Susan. Well, you broke that promise. Whether or not you directly gave her information about my letter, it is quite obvious that you said something to prompt her to write a letter and send it the same day I sent mine. She never sends or contacts me in such a manner. Your response for that was, "she is my sister and I have a right to talk to her." Yes, this is true, but to my knowledge you never call her to chit-chat. My relationship with Susan (my mother) is none of your business to talk to her about.

Stop trying to interfere or fix the things in my life. I’m sorry, if you need me to "hurry up" and get better. It seems that you have little understanding of my relationship with Susan. I do not feel that you have an understanding of me or respect for my feelings and how what you say or do effects me. You seem to do whatever you think is best without putting into context what has been conveyed to you in writing or verbally. I feel really disrespected and betrayed.

It seems that you did not understand my relationship with Susan from when we talked at Wild Thyme, the email that Adrian (husband) sent you, couple of conversations that we had together or even the letter or your conversation with Arleen (aunt). I’m sorry, but my life and relationships are not that simple. By the way, who made you God of my life anyway? Telling me that I should not have sent the letter to everyone, that it was too graphic…well, I’m sorry if you cannot handle the truth or believe me when I tell you that it can’t be worked out between my mother and I. You say that you believe me, but your actions tell me otherwise by calling Arleen and asking her about if she believed me and to discuss my relationship with my mother.

I am so angry with you that I don’t want to share anything personal with you again. You don’t even have common decency to apologize. Oh, but I forget you think you are the God of my life. You will never be able to imagine how much you hurt me and betrayed my trust. I am really sorry that you don’t seem to understand what Arleen and I have told you and that you felt the need to get involved to the point of making things much more painful for me. Stay out of my personal business which I will no longer be sharing with you.

Coleen

I'll write more about it tomorrow including his response. Thanks for listening to my soap opera!!

(Letter to Mother. This is only for my personal searchs as blogger does not search by tags, much to my dismay)

(Letter to mom. This is for search purposes only.)

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Back to Our Regular Scheduled Program

Now, back to our regular programming which is in process. I really enjoyed the break in October on homosexuality. I hope that you found it helpful, interesting and fun.

When last we met, I had written one of "those" letters to my mother and mailed it. In case, you missed it or are just tuning in, it was four parts:


Followed by expected fall out from my mother. But, unexpectedly I received a letter from her on the same day...no coincidence. Needless to say the drama continued/continues. Mostly from my mother and uncle. I will share this in the upcoming posts. Sheesh...some people are nuts!!

Three things that have really helped me:

1. God
2. Support system
3. Knowing that my therapist understands from his personal experience.
4. Dixie Chick's "I don't want to make nice."

Talk to you tomorrow!!




(Letter to Mother. This is only for my personal searchs as blogger does not search by tags, much to my dismay)

(Letter to mom. This is for search purposes only.)

Monday, November 2, 2009

Lung Cancer Awareness Day



Today, November 2, 2009, is Lung Cancer Awareness day and the beginning of Lung Cancer Awareness Week. It is also probably one of the most difficult post that I’ve written as my father-in-law passed away in April approximately one month after being diagnosed. He thought he had cough from a cold that would go away and did not follow through with a suspecious chest xray taken a few years before. Yes, he was a smoker who had quit almost four decades prior. I have also watched many of my former clients slowly die from this disease. Due to my respiratory problems this year, I know how scary it feels to not be able to breathe.


Approximately, 50-60% of non smokers comprise those diagnosed with lung cancer. This figure includes people who receive second-hand smoke, smoker who have quit for decades and those who have the disease for unknown reasons. Lung cancer does not discriminate. People are young, older, poor, rich, of different races, different genders, different occupations, in good health or in poor health. However, your risk does increase if your sexual partner smokes.




Lung Cancer Awareness Month is a national campaign dedicated to increasing attention to lung cancer issues. By organizing rallies, distributing educational material, holding fund-raising events, contacting Congress, and speaking to the media, those involved in LCAM bring much-needed support and attention to a disease that each year kills more people than breast, prostate, colon and pancreas cancers combined. Worldwide it kills approximately 1.4 million deaths per year. Even with treatment the five-year survival rate is 14% per year.

Suggestions for prevention of lung cancer include don’t start smoking, stop smoking NOW, avoid second-hand smoke, test your home for radon, avoid carcinogens at work, eat a diet full of fruits and vegetables, don’t drink or if you you do drink in moderation, and exercise. Smoking is the number one cause of lung cancer. In the United States, it estimated that 90% of men and 85% of women are or were smokers. The number of years and the number of cigarettes also impacts the the risk of developing lung cancer. Join the Great American Smoke out on November 19, 2009.
The American Cancer Society holds the Great American Smokeout® every year on the third Thursday in November. This year the Great American Smokeout® will take place on November 19, 2009. The purpose of the event is to set aside a day to help smokers quit smoking, quit using tobacco products, for at least one day, with the hope that they will quit completely. Not only does the event challenge people to stop using tobacco, it helps to raise awareness about the dangers of smoking and the many effective ways available to quit smoking permanently.
Research shows that smokers are most successful in kicking the habit when they have some means of support, such as nicotine replacement products, counseling, prescription medicine to lessen cravings, guide books, and the encouragement of friends and family members.

People who have lung cancer and those around them are inspirational people as they struggle from the disease. Some often beat it via surgery, chemotherapy and radiation. However, many do not heed the warning signs which include a new cough that doen’t go away, chronic cough, coughing up, shortness of breath, chest pain, wheezing and hoarseness. Don’t ignore these symptoms, it just may save your life or someone elses.


For more information:
www.helplungcancer.com
www.cancergrace.com
Center for Disease Control and Prevention
American Cancer Society

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Pastor Dave explains Romans 1

Pastor David Krueger-Duncan explains why Romans 1 should not be used to condemn gay and lesbian people.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Will sings "I Honestly Love You"

I realize that this is a stereotype and was in no way meant to offend anyone.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Bill's Girl Gets Wise ~ Gay Men's Chorus of Los Angeles

I realize that this is a stereotype and was in no way meant to offend anyone.



Dora Jarre pines for her man, only to find his secret passion. If she can't have him, can she fight for him? Members of the Gay Men's Chorus of Los Angeles lip-sync the gorgeous Marilyn McCoo for a local cabaret.


Thursday, October 29, 2009

Will and Jack sing the Carpenters

I realize that this is a stereotype and was in no way meant to offend anyone.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Monday, October 26, 2009

Gay Men's Chorus of Los Angeles: The Cellblock Tango



There are many generalization about gay men. For some, the only exposure to homosexuality is through the media or word-of-mouth. Unfortunately, this is how many stereotypes (often wrong) are spread. While it may fit some, it does not fit all of one type of group. Stereotyping is dangerous, can breeds prejudice and hate and can really get you into awkward situations. Never assume anything. I want to apologize in advance if any of the posts this week are offensive due to sterotyping...they are not meant to be funny or serious which ever fits the video.



Sunday, October 25, 2009

"Be the Light" ~ Jason and deMarco

From Jason & deMarco's website: Their autobiographical and controversial, documentary-film, We're All Angels, from director Robert Nunez, currently airs on the SHOWTIME NETWORK where fans are invited to take a behind-the-scenes look at the public and private lives of these rising pop stars, who are gay, spiritual, and in love. The film chronicles the lives of the two singers as they perform all over the country in dance clubs, at pride events, and even in churches. The movie takes a look at how their openness about their sexuality often pits them against evangelical Christianity, while their faith at times meets with resistance from the gay community.

Be The Light

We're in a day, we're in a time
We're in a world thats lost its mind.
Where is our soul? Where is our heart?
We each need to pray to find a way,
There is a way out of the dark

Chorus:
Be the light, be the light
Let the flame that burns inside of you
change somebody's life
Be the light, be the light
You may be the only candle in the night
But you be the light

When you are loved,
When you are whole.
Someone will see and they will believe.
Like a fire so strong, it will catch on

Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Chorus:
Be the light, be the light
Let the flame that burns inside of you,
change somebody's life.
Be the light, be the light
You may be the only candle in the night
But you be the light

Shine, shine, show the way( show the way)
Open your heart (open your heart)
Don't be afraid (don't be afraid)

Chorus:
Be the light, be the light
Let the flame thta burns inside of you,
change somebody's life.
Be the light, be the light.
You may be the only candle in the night,
But you be the light

Saturday, October 24, 2009

"He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother" ~ Gay Men's Chorus of Los Angeles

The longer they wiped their tears, the longer the audience applauded. An unexpected connection was made between the Gay Men's Chorus of Los Angeles, their audience and this song when it was performed at the end of their 2008 concert that spanned the music of the 70s


Friday, October 23, 2009

Queer as Folk ~ Ben & Michael's chat

Queer Eye for the Straight Guy

I realize that this is a stereotype and was in no way meant to offend anyone.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

"Proud Mary" - Gay Men's Chorus of Los Angeles

I realize that this is a stereotype and was in no way meant to offend anyone.


Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Will and Grace ~ Cher

I realize that this is a stereotype and was in no way meant to offend anyone.


Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Three Little Maids from School Are We - GMCLA



There are many generalization about gay men. For some, the only exposure to homosexuality is through the media or word-of-mouth. Unfortunately, this is how many stereotypes (often wrong) are spread. While it may fit some, it does not fit all of one type of group. Stereotyping is dangerous, can breeds prejudice and hate and can really get you into awkward situations. Never assume anything. I want to apologize in advance if any of the posts this week are offensive...they are not meant to be.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Gay Agenda?

Who has the gay agenda of indoctrinating our children?

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Is Homosexuality a Choice?

The following is the YouTube introduction to this video.

Is it a Choice or are we born that way? A nice cartoon about that issue.

I cut this clip from the multiple award-winning documentary, "For The Bible Tells Me So".

http://www.forthebibletellsmeso.org/

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Homosexuality: From It's a Sin to Christian Gay Rights Supporter

“Drag is when a man wears everything a lesbian won’t” ~ Author Unknown

Most of the following comes from The New York Magazine:
Symmetry of homosexual brain resembles that of the opposite sex.
whorl
Gay men are more likely for their hair to whorl in a counter clockwise direction.
Gay men and straight women have increased density of finger print ridges on the thumb and pinky.

thumbprint
In navigational tasks and verbal fluency gay men and lesbians tend to have atypical scores.
Gay men are more likely to be left-handed.
Among white gay men they are smaller in overall stature.
Hearing acuity is more like the opposite sex for homosexuals.
fingers
Index finger of most straight men are shorter than their ring fingers, and for most women they are the same length or longer. Gay men and lesbians tend to have reversed ratios.
The second-born son is 33% more likely to be gay than the first born, and the third is 33% more likely than the second and so on.
There is a “gay sound” as a research study found that 75% of the participants picked them out correctly.
In gay men the hypothalamus, is similar in size to straight women.
There are many generalization about gay men. For some, the only exposure to homosexuality is through the media or word-of-mouth. Unfortunately, this is how many stereotypes (often wrong) are spread. While it may fit some, it does not fit all of one type of group. Stereotyping is dangerous, can breed prejudice and hate and can really get you into awkward situations. Never assume anything, not everyone of a certain group are the same. The following information is from taking with gay men and looking at gay blogs and websites, but they are STEREOTYPES:
Gay men like Broadway show tunes.
Gay men like Divas such as Diana Ross, Bette Midler, Barbra Streisand, Elizabeth Taylor and Liza Minneli.
Gay men are more concerned with presentation and the way they look.
Gay men have a better ability to gift wrap.
Gay men enjoy the arts as leisure activity and professions (theatre, dancing, musicians, singing, writing etc…).
Gay men enjoy shopping.
Gay men often choose helping professions such as nursing, social work, therapists, teaching, etc.
Gay men have an aversion to watching most sports except for figure skating.
Gay men are more emotional.


The following information is from taking with homosexual women and at gay and lesbian blogs and websites, but they are STEREOTYPES:
They are butch.
Appear more masculine.
Go into traditionally male occupations such as construction, military, law enforcement, truck driving, etc.
Enjoy playing baseball, softball or basketball.
Man haters.
Feminists.
Short hair.
No dresses or skirts.
Tom boy.

Lesbian Stereotypes:

As I stated earlier I need to see, “what the Bible says, what my experiences are, and who I know God to be in my life and must agree with the original Greek and Hebrew and within the context of the culture in which the Bible was written for it to become my own belief. What really turned things around for me was the Biblical basis for a different solid view point that used the culture and Greek and Hebrew. Also, that trends are moving forward to looking like there is partly some genetic basis, albeit, unperfect for the time. It also matches my experience with people in my life who are homosexual.

I will end my journey here, but I could go on because there is so much information and much that I read my way through and looked at over the past few years. So, this is a very short version of how I became a gay rights supporter and what I learned along the way. Thank you for taking time to read my journey and hoped it helped you learn something about yourself or others and to be more compassionate to yourself and to others.

The following are the books and websites that I can remember that I used (*think differently than I do):
New American Standard Bible Translation
What the Bible Really Says About Homosexuality by Daniel A. Helminiak, Ph.D.
Jesus, the Bible and Homosexuality: Explode the Myths, Heal the Church by Jack Rogers
Gay Christian 101 by Rick Brentlinger
Pursuing Sexual Wholeness: How Jesus Heals the Homosexual by Andrew Comiskey*
The Bible and Homosexual Practice: Texts and Hermeneutics by Robert A.J. Gagnon*
Homosexuality and the Bible: Two Views by Dan O. Via and Robert A.J. Gagnon
www.sciencedaily.com
www.pnas.org*
news.oneindia.in*
sexualhealth.e-healthsource.com
www.flyfishingdevon.co.uk
en.wikipedia.org
www.conservapedia.com*
nymag.com
www.religious tolerance.org
www.league-ncr.com
ww.drakkar91.com
www2.focusonthefamily.com*
www.narth.com
www.salempress.com
www.boxturtlebulletin.com
Also, numerous people who are homosexuals and their families, church leaders and fellow Christians and non-Christians.

(There is much more information regarding gay men versus lesbian women, so this is why men who are gay have the most attention in my writing.)

“Hollywood would not exist if it were not for gay men!” ~ Elizabeth Taylor

Share any other facts or stereotypes in which you may know and what you think about them.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Homosexuality: It's a Sin to Christian Gay Rights Supporter ~ Part IV of V

“Homophobia is a social disease” ~ Author Unknown

The following is from Dr. Daniel A. Helminiak’s book entitled, “What the Bible Really Says About Homosexuality:”
Thirty to forty percent of the youth living on the streets are teenagers who were thrown out or left their homes because they are homosexual.

parents-reaction

Thirty percent up to six time higher of teenage suicides are among homosexual youth. Proportionately, this figure is at least three to four times higher than for other adolescents.
It is estimated that over 400 homosexual Christians commit suicide every year.
People lose their jobs because their boss does not like “queers.”
Parents lose custody of their children or visitation rights for being lesbian or gay.
Men and women are evicted from their apartments or their houses are burned because somebody said they were gay.
Gay men and lesbians are routinely beaten up and murdered for being homosexual.
A gay man dies of AIDS in his home, locked away from every outsider, without any medical attention, because his family did not want others to know.
Much human potential is squashed and wasted in people who live for years in secret self-hatred, taught to be afraid of their own hearts.
Please continue on the last part of my journey by joining me tomorrow. I will be sharing some fun facts and stereotypes.
“The white light streams down to be broken up by those human prisms into all the colors of the rainbow. Take your own color in the pattern and be just that.” ~ Charles R. Brown

Thursday, October 15, 2009

"Rainbow Connection" ~ Gay Rights History

Gay Men's Chorus of Los Angeles sings in their July 2008 concert.Images from the gay rights movement of the 70s from The Stonewall to the White Night Riots put to the beloved song from 'The Muppet Movie'.


Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Homosexuality: From It's Sin to Christian Gay Rights Supporter ~ Part III of V

“Why can’t they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, ‘Who’d you call ‘Faggot?” ~ Jon Stewart

gay-soldier


This is a summary of the history of that has impacted person’s who are homosexual. Also, the Bible has been used to oppress and harass women and slaves, so I have included a part of that history as well.
In 1777, Thomas Jefferson made a liberal move at the time by proposing a revision of the Virginia law to reduce the penalty for sodomy from death to castration. This was never enacted.
In 1865, the Civil War ends and slavery is abolished and voting and civil rights are granted to blacks.
In 1892, Hungarian psychologist Benkert invents the word homosexual to describe people attracted to the same sex. This created a shift change in the medical profession to rather than it being a sin or criminal act, it was seen as a psychological condition to be cured.
In 1920, women win the right to vote.
In the 1930’s, homosexuals were among those that the Nazi's persecuted and were marked with larger triangle than for other "offences," so that it could be seen from a distance. It was a pink triangle pointed face down. It is estimated that 220,000 gay men and lesbian women were executed for this "offence." This is the reason for the usage of the triangle as a homosexual symbol. Both as an identification symbol and a reminder that they were part of the Nazi atrocities.
In 1950, Harry Hay and others found the Mattachine Society in Los Angeles, America’s first on-going gay right organization.
In 1953, the American Psychological Association adds homosexuality as a list of disorders to be addressed by psychologists and psychiatrists to treat. In 1973, they vote to remove homosexuality from its lists of “illnesses,” thus ending efforts to “cure” gays.

Also in 1953 on April 27th, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed Executive Order 10450, which mandated the firing of all federal employees who were determined to be guilty of “sexual perversion.” The following two decades thousands of homosexuals would lose their jobs. In all of those years, the lowest percentage for one year was 25%. I do not know what the average or the highest percentages were. In addition, all employees were required to take “loyalty oaths” for employment swearing that they are not homosexual. These regulations were not repealed until 1975.
In 1953, both, State and Local governments began to follow suit as did private employers. Although the Civil Service Commission curtailed the discriminatory policy in 1975 it still lacked sexual orientation nondiscrimination policies. In 1988, President Bill Clinton signed Executive order 13087, which prohibited discrimination based on sexual orientation for federal employment.
In 1963, as part of the black civil rights movement there is a march on Washington DC where King delivers the famous “I have a dream” speech.

On June 28th 1969, the “beginning” of the gay rights movement began with the Stonewall Riots in New York City. At that time, gay bars were like the bars during prohibition, blacked out, entrance in the back and lots of raids and police harassment. On this particular night at the Stonewall Inn, a New York gay bar, they fought back against police harassment which initiated several days of rioting and began an uprising from the oppression and harassment in which homosexuals had been living.

In 1978, Harvey Milk, a gay Supervisor of San Francisco and Mayor George Moscone were assassinated by Dan White. On May 21, 1979, the verdict was for 5 to 8 years for manslaughter. This sparked the White Nights Riot. The 5,000 person march turned violent as police vehicles are overturned and set on fire. Later, in the evening, police retaliate in the Castro neighborhood, arresting and beating gay men. Ironically, and much to the dismay of police, the following day 4,000 people gather for a peaceful celebration of Harvey Milk’s 49th birthday. They had already obtained a permit for such a gathering.
Please, continue on my journey and learn about some interesting facts about the problems that people who are homosexual have and do face tomorrow.
MatlovichGraveMB0907

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