ON BEING BORDERLINE
(08.14.10)
(08.14.10)
Thoughts of suicide fill my head
Too often wishing that I were dead?
Too young to have these thoughts as a child
Instead, I just smiled
Not wanting to feel rage or pain
Hopelessness continues to fill me again
Inside numbing, dissociating and dying
I vowed no one will ever see my crying
Wanting comfort, care and not to feel so alone
Unable to obtain even when she was home
I found comfort in many forms of addictions and self-abuse
Sometimes, trying other things is what I refuse
Emptiness that aches so much
But, so afraid to be touched
Never without a suicidal thought filling my head
Pain and rage is what I need to express instead
Never without a suicidal thought filling my head
Pain and rage is what I need to express instead
Suicide and self harm are not for attention
It means that my feelings need healthy expression
Hoplessness sometimes runs so deep
Most of the time I just cry and go to sleep
Fragmenting is so hard to manage
Sometimes, causes unwanted damage
Relationships a rollercoaster and a mess
Fear of abandoment is what makes me stress
I push those away that I want close is what I do
Then, panicking when feeling they might leave is my issue
Feelings of abandonment is constantly what I fear
From even those I know hold me dear
Too many intense feelings inside and too many thoughts in my head
Makes me want to scream and scream instead
Sometimes, emotions in such chaos and a blur
That I don’t care what I do or what occurs
Emotions and thoughts that seem to run amok
And, sometimes what I do or say indicates I don’t give a fuck
Wanting desperately for someone to completely understand
Which is something that is only in Fantasyland
Trust no one is what I learned
Remains a huge issue as I don’t want to get burned
Ambivalence is a key issue for a Borderline
I’m constantly saying I’m just fine
I see my world filled with “good” and “bad”
All the time knowing that I am bad and feel sad
I don’t know who I am you see
So I try to get you to tell me who to be
Please tell me what I feel
Because suppression is my deal
Please tell me what I feel
Because suppression is my deal
Trying to hide from everything
Including just being
When will I ever be well
Sometimes, never is what I can tell
Being Borderline really sucks
I still feel so fucked up
People tell me that I am strong
Inside I say they are wrong
Memories that still haunt me
Makes me feel that I can’t be
Trying to hide from everything
Including just being
When will I ever be well
Sometimes, never is what I can tell
Thank God for the Father above
For he is teaching me about self-love
Be courages He reminds
Sometimes, that I cannot find
He has promised to turn my mourning into dancing
At times, this I feel and other times I feel nothing
It is by faith in myself and God I must take
Even though I may feel like a fake
Your continually teaching me to trust
Even when I fuss
In Your arms, I need to be
Your continually teaching me to trust
Even when I fuss
In Your arms, I need to be
Even when that may mean through human arms I see
© 2010 ClinicallyClueless
Still Learning to "BE" ~ Healing Journey
(04.30.09)
Accepting how scared and angry,
I was at being in the hospital for pneumonia
Is something I could not face.
Flashbacks and nightmares increasing
as the month went by all because
I was at being in the hospital for pneumonia
Is something I could not face.
Flashbacks and nightmares increasing
as the month went by all because
feeling out of control and helpless
it was something I could not embrace.
I’ve already talked enough about it,
the details and even wrote a letter.
But, I continued not to feel emotionally any better.
I lived in fantasy world with everything
twisted, just to survive.
Now, to live there continues to deprive.
This I learned to slowly die as my way of being
To “be” is what I need to do and
fight back the lies I’m slowly seeing.
The lies that tell me “Don’t talk,“
“I’m okay,” “I don’t need anyone” and “I’ll be just fine.”
The constant banter in my head is not benign.
Those and other lies lead to
self-injury and other self-destructive ways
For this therapy sometimes feels like a maze.
Therapy has saved and opened my life to who I really am
Someone that deserved much more than I received
And, too often instead I was betrayed and deceived.
Now, into the Father’s arms I securely belong
In Him and others, I finally find security and comfort
But, learning to do that for myself takes much effort.
it was something I could not embrace.
I’ve already talked enough about it,
the details and even wrote a letter.
But, I continued not to feel emotionally any better.
I lived in fantasy world with everything
twisted, just to survive.
Now, to live there continues to deprive.
This I learned to slowly die as my way of being
To “be” is what I need to do and
fight back the lies I’m slowly seeing.
The lies that tell me “Don’t talk,“
“I’m okay,” “I don’t need anyone” and “I’ll be just fine.”
The constant banter in my head is not benign.
Those and other lies lead to
self-injury and other self-destructive ways
For this therapy sometimes feels like a maze.
Therapy has saved and opened my life to who I really am
Someone that deserved much more than I received
And, too often instead I was betrayed and deceived.
Now, into the Father’s arms I securely belong
In Him and others, I finally find security and comfort
But, learning to do that for myself takes much effort.
Pain of a Child Is Unheard
(12.01.08)
Feelings held back from long ago
Pains through my heart like an arrow
Pretending was the key
That everything was okay with me
So much so, that I thought, I believed the lie
But, why did I always want to die
I was so young when I first became depressed
Too many major episodes I have to confess
Dissociation and numbness day by day
Conceding that it was never going to be my way
Confusion spins round and round
Hoping one day that I would be found
Wanting so much to be heard
Instead my words became awkward
Staying silent was the way for me
Deep inside to be heard was my plea
To feel such anguish from so many years
Yet, I still find it hard to find my tears
Felt overwhelmed, confusion, sadness, panic, & depression
My coping tools were repression and suppression
Defenses all tangled worked quite well
Until it came time for me to tell
Not wanting to admit that I wanted to be wanted
Yet, a deep longing to feel safe and be comforted
Feeling things now is so intense and painful
But, at least, now I am being truthful
Hurts so much that I want to die
But, it is something I don’t think I would try
The pain takes over my whole body
From my hair to my toes, I feel achy
Emptiness envelops my whole being
Makes reality hard to keep seeing
Next comes feeling hollow
Terrified that it will swallow
Then, comes the feeling that “I don’t exist”
I’m terrified that I will get missed
Lord, I know you brought me to this place
My feelings and thoughts I have to face
I just want to crawl into a corner and die
But, I know that I also want to continue to try
For healing is really what I seek
Which means the truth I have to speak
This means that I need to be me
It sounds so simple, but I just need to be
(12.01.08)
Feelings held back from long ago
Pains through my heart like an arrow
Pretending was the key
That everything was okay with me
So much so, that I thought, I believed the lie
But, why did I always want to die
I was so young when I first became depressed
Too many major episodes I have to confess
Dissociation and numbness day by day
Conceding that it was never going to be my way
Confusion spins round and round
Hoping one day that I would be found
Wanting so much to be heard
Instead my words became awkward
Staying silent was the way for me
Deep inside to be heard was my plea
To feel such anguish from so many years
Yet, I still find it hard to find my tears
Felt overwhelmed, confusion, sadness, panic, & depression
My coping tools were repression and suppression
Defenses all tangled worked quite well
Until it came time for me to tell
Not wanting to admit that I wanted to be wanted
Yet, a deep longing to feel safe and be comforted
Feeling things now is so intense and painful
But, at least, now I am being truthful
Hurts so much that I want to die
But, it is something I don’t think I would try
The pain takes over my whole body
From my hair to my toes, I feel achy
Emptiness envelops my whole being
Makes reality hard to keep seeing
Next comes feeling hollow
Terrified that it will swallow
Then, comes the feeling that “I don’t exist”
I’m terrified that I will get missed
Lord, I know you brought me to this place
My feelings and thoughts I have to face
I just want to crawl into a corner and die
But, I know that I also want to continue to try
For healing is really what I seek
Which means the truth I have to speak
This means that I need to be me
It sounds so simple, but I just need to be
© 2008 ClinicallyClueless/CourageousSteps
Learning to Simply "Be"
(11.22.08)
For decades, I didn’t want to see,
I simply didn’t want to just be.
To see the truth of my childhood,
That I never understood.
Hatred and anger that I never wanted to see,
But, yet that is still a part of me.
An emptiness that aches and says, “I don’t exist,”
Somehow, I managed my tears to be just mist.
The ache so deep makes me want to die,
But, continue to live in denial is just a lie.
One that hurts me more and more,
Instead, the tears just need to pour.
A loneliness that I tried and tried,
For myself and others to hide.
A panic that comes again and again,
My baseline, fear of everything is so ingrained.
Hopelessness that never seemed to end,
I think, I thought it to be my friend.
It’s has a twin, depression, together all the time,
These the hardest for a child to bear for a lifetime.
Just longing to be wanted felt like such a crime,
Instead, I ended up feeling like unwanted grime.
That needs to be cleaned, so not to exist,
Instead, I who I am kept getting missed.
Always feeling so awful,
And, needing to be careful.
Longing for Mommy to be a place of warmth, comfort and care,
Yet, danger and violence is what feared.
I feel so alone with where I’ve been,
Yet, I feel that the Lord knows all that is within.
It is His comfort that I cling to once again,
I find warmth and comfort that I didn’t find then.
He has also provided human love that I never thought I deserved,
Yet, I so longed for comfort and love that is now preserved.
So, facing, remembering and feeling the truth of my life,
Is excruciating and painful, but hasn’t that been my life.
To face it now and not be alone,
Now, it is time for me to try to own.
© 2008 ClinicallyClueless/Courageous Steps
(11.22.08)
For decades, I didn’t want to see,
I simply didn’t want to just be.
To see the truth of my childhood,
That I never understood.
Hatred and anger that I never wanted to see,
But, yet that is still a part of me.
An emptiness that aches and says, “I don’t exist,”
Somehow, I managed my tears to be just mist.
The ache so deep makes me want to die,
But, continue to live in denial is just a lie.
One that hurts me more and more,
Instead, the tears just need to pour.
A loneliness that I tried and tried,
For myself and others to hide.
A panic that comes again and again,
My baseline, fear of everything is so ingrained.
Hopelessness that never seemed to end,
I think, I thought it to be my friend.
It’s has a twin, depression, together all the time,
These the hardest for a child to bear for a lifetime.
Just longing to be wanted felt like such a crime,
Instead, I ended up feeling like unwanted grime.
That needs to be cleaned, so not to exist,
Instead, I who I am kept getting missed.
Always feeling so awful,
And, needing to be careful.
Longing for Mommy to be a place of warmth, comfort and care,
Yet, danger and violence is what feared.
I feel so alone with where I’ve been,
Yet, I feel that the Lord knows all that is within.
It is His comfort that I cling to once again,
I find warmth and comfort that I didn’t find then.
He has also provided human love that I never thought I deserved,
Yet, I so longed for comfort and love that is now preserved.
So, facing, remembering and feeling the truth of my life,
Is excruciating and painful, but hasn’t that been my life.
To face it now and not be alone,
Now, it is time for me to try to own.
© 2008 ClinicallyClueless/Courageous Steps
"Emptiness...and Finally Hope"
(03.27.93)
Emptiness I wish I could conceal
That this is what I really feel
Aloneness that seems to never end
I find no comfort even in a friend
Emptiness that makes me want to disappear
And feeling so much fear
Aching that feels like I'm gonna die
Sometimes now, I simply just cry
Tears of panic, rage and pain
Still, so much unexplainable shame
Feeling that deep down I'm bad
And also feeling so extremely sad
As a child feeling all alone
Especially when everyone WAS at home
Needing so much to talk
Instead, I took raging drives or lonely walks
Needing someone to listen and understand
Instead, I'd run and now I really want to stand
So hard to simply just sit
Somehow, I'm afraid of getting hit
Abandonment is such an overwhelming fear
I'm so afraid to let anyone near
Isolation has become a familiar friend
A sure way for my life to end
Alone rocking in a corner being numb
At times, even chewing on my thumb
Now, it is time to walk
And I want to talk
Anxiety the pressure on my chest
Sometimes, I just want to rest
Again, restful sleep does not come easily
Unknown nightmare are coming too readily
Memories again filling my head
Not as often do I wish I were dead
Kelly's world of pain
Triggered memories of my own shame
The temptation to control my weight
It is my body that I hate
Laxatives and diet pills
Is a way for me to kill
Killing the feelings that threaten to come up
One of my ways used to be throwing up
Starving a way to control
Lord, help me to continue to let go
I know that this really isn't my true struggle
And it is the killing of my feelings that gets me into trouble
Burning, bruising and cutting are no longer comforting friends
The strong temptation I want to end
Able to bring some of this to the Cross
Brings feelings of great loss
Nothing really left to gain
In my world of self-inflicted pain
Although the temptations are still there
I'm learning to turn to those who care
Panic comes again and again
I know others want me to win
Out of control is how I feel
But, I am becoming real
Learning more to safely cope
Especially from the Father who has given me tremendous hope
In You, I'm learning to be a daughter
As I allow You to Father
You've lifted me from so much hopelessness
Especially as I've allowed You to be the "Father of the Fatherless"
Extremely shaky inside
Yet, learing to stand with You by my side
At times, feeling really terrified
In my healing, I want the Lord to be glorified
My feelings I discover
As I allow You to uncover
Through all the feelings including pain
Intimacy with You is what I continue to gain
Bringing my little girl to Jesus' arms
There I'm learning to trust that there is never any harm
I your arms, safe and secure
I know this is part of Your "cure"
In Your presence, I've found peace and calm
And the figt of Your healing soothing balm
So much healing already ocmpleted
Reminds me of Your promises I need repeated
Your Word says, "I will not forget you."
Claiming this is what I need to continually do
So many blessings on my life You've poured
Seeing You glorified is such a tremendous reward
The emptiness only You can fill
I need to continue to exercise my will
When I want to disappear
It's Your voice I need to hear
Lord, I'm so full of fear
Continue to draw me near
Nothing really left to hold
But, Jesus no matter how old.
(03.27.93)
Emptiness I wish I could conceal
That this is what I really feel
Aloneness that seems to never end
I find no comfort even in a friend
Emptiness that makes me want to disappear
And feeling so much fear
Aching that feels like I'm gonna die
Sometimes now, I simply just cry
Tears of panic, rage and pain
Still, so much unexplainable shame
Feeling that deep down I'm bad
And also feeling so extremely sad
As a child feeling all alone
Especially when everyone WAS at home
Needing so much to talk
Instead, I took raging drives or lonely walks
Needing someone to listen and understand
Instead, I'd run and now I really want to stand
So hard to simply just sit
Somehow, I'm afraid of getting hit
Abandonment is such an overwhelming fear
I'm so afraid to let anyone near
Isolation has become a familiar friend
A sure way for my life to end
Alone rocking in a corner being numb
At times, even chewing on my thumb
Now, it is time to walk
And I want to talk
Anxiety the pressure on my chest
Sometimes, I just want to rest
Again, restful sleep does not come easily
Unknown nightmare are coming too readily
Memories again filling my head
Not as often do I wish I were dead
Kelly's world of pain
Triggered memories of my own shame
The temptation to control my weight
It is my body that I hate
Laxatives and diet pills
Is a way for me to kill
Killing the feelings that threaten to come up
One of my ways used to be throwing up
Starving a way to control
Lord, help me to continue to let go
I know that this really isn't my true struggle
And it is the killing of my feelings that gets me into trouble
Burning, bruising and cutting are no longer comforting friends
The strong temptation I want to end
Able to bring some of this to the Cross
Brings feelings of great loss
Nothing really left to gain
In my world of self-inflicted pain
Although the temptations are still there
I'm learning to turn to those who care
Panic comes again and again
I know others want me to win
Out of control is how I feel
But, I am becoming real
Learning more to safely cope
Especially from the Father who has given me tremendous hope
In You, I'm learning to be a daughter
As I allow You to Father
You've lifted me from so much hopelessness
Especially as I've allowed You to be the "Father of the Fatherless"
Extremely shaky inside
Yet, learing to stand with You by my side
At times, feeling really terrified
In my healing, I want the Lord to be glorified
My feelings I discover
As I allow You to uncover
Through all the feelings including pain
Intimacy with You is what I continue to gain
Bringing my little girl to Jesus' arms
There I'm learning to trust that there is never any harm
I your arms, safe and secure
I know this is part of Your "cure"
In Your presence, I've found peace and calm
And the figt of Your healing soothing balm
So much healing already ocmpleted
Reminds me of Your promises I need repeated
Your Word says, "I will not forget you."
Claiming this is what I need to continually do
So many blessings on my life You've poured
Seeing You glorified is such a tremendous reward
The emptiness only You can fill
I need to continue to exercise my will
When I want to disappear
It's Your voice I need to hear
Lord, I'm so full of fear
Continue to draw me near
Nothing really left to hold
But, Jesus no matter how old.
A Child's Cry
(12.20.93)
Will somebody hear my cry
Of the pain I want to deny
My behavior and what I want to do
Says how I feel too
Learning to understand
Why I try to reject helping hands
Wanting to disappear
Sometimes, means I'm so full of fear
Wanting so much to die
Tells of a need to cry
Wanting the pain to cease
Control of my eating is what I need to release
My behavior pleads
Somebody see a child's needs
Will somebody hear the cry
Of a child wanting desperately to die
A child long so
For a father that would never go
A father who won't disappear
And cause a child to fear
Keeping all the pain inside
The child tried desperately to hide
The fear that surrounds
Sends the child hiding underground
In a closet or in a corner
The child learned to be a loner
Scared to let anyone in
Never feeling like she fit in
All alone and crying
Bit by bit she was dying
I'm so scared to see
But, I know that the child is me
So scared to move
I keep trying to prove
Pain and anger in my starving
They never heard my crying
That I don't need a father
Apathetic at times - Why bother?
Little girl wanting him to bother
Simply just be my father
Alone and afraid with nowhere to run
Now, I'm learning to have fun
Emptiness that runs so deep
Now, I'm one of the Shepard's sheep
Now safe and secure
With the Father whose love is so pure
Learning to truly receive the love
From the Father of the fatherless
The more I experience my pain
Brings intimacy with the Father again and again
I still want to bruise, burn and cut
Now, instead more often I look up
Up to the Father
Who says, "I am here!"
Without fail His Fathering
Rings music, words and arms so comforting
I once vowed that I would never reaveal this card
That life without Daddy is hard
A child's life filled with chaos
All the time feeling so lost
Rituals of sef-mutilation tried to bring structure
To a world seemingly without future
But, now hope comes through the Father
He says, "You matter."
A little girl's heart being fulfilled
As He says, "You're beautiful."
He says, "You have precious gentle heart"
I know the love of this Father will never part.
(12.20.93)
Will somebody hear my cry
Of the pain I want to deny
My behavior and what I want to do
Says how I feel too
Learning to understand
Why I try to reject helping hands
Wanting to disappear
Sometimes, means I'm so full of fear
Wanting so much to die
Tells of a need to cry
Wanting the pain to cease
Control of my eating is what I need to release
My behavior pleads
Somebody see a child's needs
Will somebody hear the cry
Of a child wanting desperately to die
A child long so
For a father that would never go
A father who won't disappear
And cause a child to fear
Keeping all the pain inside
The child tried desperately to hide
The fear that surrounds
Sends the child hiding underground
In a closet or in a corner
The child learned to be a loner
Scared to let anyone in
Never feeling like she fit in
All alone and crying
Bit by bit she was dying
I'm so scared to see
But, I know that the child is me
So scared to move
I keep trying to prove
Pain and anger in my starving
They never heard my crying
That I don't need a father
Apathetic at times - Why bother?
Little girl wanting him to bother
Simply just be my father
Alone and afraid with nowhere to run
Now, I'm learning to have fun
Emptiness that runs so deep
Now, I'm one of the Shepard's sheep
Now safe and secure
With the Father whose love is so pure
Learning to truly receive the love
From the Father of the fatherless
The more I experience my pain
Brings intimacy with the Father again and again
I still want to bruise, burn and cut
Now, instead more often I look up
Up to the Father
Who says, "I am here!"
Without fail His Fathering
Rings music, words and arms so comforting
I once vowed that I would never reaveal this card
That life without Daddy is hard
A child's life filled with chaos
All the time feeling so lost
Rituals of sef-mutilation tried to bring structure
To a world seemingly without future
But, now hope comes through the Father
He says, "You matter."
A little girl's heart being fulfilled
As He says, "You're beautiful."
He says, "You have precious gentle heart"
I know the love of this Father will never part.
Running
(12.18.91)
Lord, do you really understand
How much I need Your loving hand?
To guide and to hold
Don't ever let go
I hurt so much now
I don't know how
I'll ever get thru
without You
I know that it is this I try
Without You to get by
Do You really know how much I wish I would die
So, that I don't have to cry
I feel like such a child
That wants to run wild
I want to scream and scream
And scream and scream
No words that I know
I guess this is my way to show
How angry and hurt
Sometimes, I feel like dirt
So filthy and dirty
I wonder if I'lll ever feel prestty
I feel so utterly hopeless
No end to this emptiness
It is so dark and so cold
Feels as if there is no one to hold
Jesus, I know You are there
I need to feel Your loving care
To lead me into Your light
Please, hold me tight
Don't ever let go
I'm afraid You will You know
Warmth and connection I fear the most
Sometimes, I'd like to run to a different coast
My way is to run and run and run
Will I ever stop and learn to have fun
I want to push everyone away
And I want them to stay
Trusting Geoffrey is hard
Will I ever reveal the card
That says, "I love and I care."
Do I even dare?
Could this be the root of my running
From the session so accepting
Of my anger and hurt toward him
Do I continue to let him in?
Or do I run and hide
Expecting to be rescued and for him to come to my side
Instead, I could come out
And talk to find what this is about
Feelings so intense
I feel like such a mess
Sometimes I feel so alone
that I just want to go Home
(12.18.91)
Lord, do you really understand
How much I need Your loving hand?
To guide and to hold
Don't ever let go
I hurt so much now
I don't know how
I'll ever get thru
without You
I know that it is this I try
Without You to get by
Do You really know how much I wish I would die
So, that I don't have to cry
I feel like such a child
That wants to run wild
I want to scream and scream
And scream and scream
No words that I know
I guess this is my way to show
How angry and hurt
Sometimes, I feel like dirt
So filthy and dirty
I wonder if I'lll ever feel prestty
I feel so utterly hopeless
No end to this emptiness
It is so dark and so cold
Feels as if there is no one to hold
Jesus, I know You are there
I need to feel Your loving care
To lead me into Your light
Please, hold me tight
Don't ever let go
I'm afraid You will You know
Warmth and connection I fear the most
Sometimes, I'd like to run to a different coast
My way is to run and run and run
Will I ever stop and learn to have fun
I want to push everyone away
And I want them to stay
Trusting Geoffrey is hard
Will I ever reveal the card
That says, "I love and I care."
Do I even dare?
Could this be the root of my running
From the session so accepting
Of my anger and hurt toward him
Do I continue to let him in?
Or do I run and hide
Expecting to be rescued and for him to come to my side
Instead, I could come out
And talk to find what this is about
Feelings so intense
I feel like such a mess
Sometimes I feel so alone
that I just want to go Home
Giving Up
(12.01.91)
If I had a gun, I'd put it to my head
I'd pull the trigger and I'd be dead
Lately, I wish I could die,
But, I know that it is just a lie
I think of dying in my car
But, I've come too far
To throw it all away
I hurt so much is what I need to really say
Healing seems so far away
I'd like to die today
Loneliness and emptiness--there seems to be no relief
God is always there is my belief
Lately, I'd rather die
Then, continue to fight this lie
Does anyone...Do I really understand
How much I need a helping hand
I think I hide so very well
It is hard for others to tell
My dark empty corner seems so safe and secure
Yet, I know reaching out is part of the cure
Sometimes, I don't know why I cry
When tears come, I don't want to continue to try
Feel like giving up
Feels like I've had enough
Lord, I really do need You to hold me
Your love and grace is what I want to see
I'm afraid You won't be near
When I really need You here
I want to rest in Your arms
But, I'm so afraid of harm
I know it is only Your grace
That has safely brought me to this place
I want to allow Your love in
But, sometimes I don't feel like I fit in
I know You understand
And, You have a better plan
I feel so hopeless right now
I need You to show me how
To connect with You and others is my struggle
Help me to stay out of trouble
Focusing on You is what I really need to do
But, thoughts of death fill my head too
I feel so empty inside
Will You please walk by my side
I need Your help to move
I forget that I don't need to prove
That I have it all together
(This does not even matter)
Admitting my deep need for You
Is something I seldom do
I need You to hold me
This is where I need to be
Inside I feel so very sick
I know I need to take a risk
I don't want to continue to hide
I want to stay by Your side
I know that You care
Especially when I despair
Cutting gives release
When I really need your peace
To You I want to turn
Especially, when I'd rather burn
It's You I want to choose
Even when I want to bruise
I wish I had no scars
I thank You for healing me this far
Continue to hold me tight
Even when I try to fight
Increase a desire to live
I want to be able to give
I love You so much
Even when I want to give up
(12.01.91)
If I had a gun, I'd put it to my head
I'd pull the trigger and I'd be dead
Lately, I wish I could die,
But, I know that it is just a lie
I think of dying in my car
But, I've come too far
To throw it all away
I hurt so much is what I need to really say
Healing seems so far away
I'd like to die today
Loneliness and emptiness--there seems to be no relief
God is always there is my belief
Lately, I'd rather die
Then, continue to fight this lie
Does anyone...Do I really understand
How much I need a helping hand
I think I hide so very well
It is hard for others to tell
My dark empty corner seems so safe and secure
Yet, I know reaching out is part of the cure
Sometimes, I don't know why I cry
When tears come, I don't want to continue to try
Feel like giving up
Feels like I've had enough
Lord, I really do need You to hold me
Your love and grace is what I want to see
I'm afraid You won't be near
When I really need You here
I want to rest in Your arms
But, I'm so afraid of harm
I know it is only Your grace
That has safely brought me to this place
I want to allow Your love in
But, sometimes I don't feel like I fit in
I know You understand
And, You have a better plan
I feel so hopeless right now
I need You to show me how
To connect with You and others is my struggle
Help me to stay out of trouble
Focusing on You is what I really need to do
But, thoughts of death fill my head too
I feel so empty inside
Will You please walk by my side
I need Your help to move
I forget that I don't need to prove
That I have it all together
(This does not even matter)
Admitting my deep need for You
Is something I seldom do
I need You to hold me
This is where I need to be
Inside I feel so very sick
I know I need to take a risk
I don't want to continue to hide
I want to stay by Your side
I know that You care
Especially when I despair
Cutting gives release
When I really need your peace
To You I want to turn
Especially, when I'd rather burn
It's You I want to choose
Even when I want to bruise
I wish I had no scars
I thank You for healing me this far
Continue to hold me tight
Even when I try to fight
Increase a desire to live
I want to be able to give
I love You so much
Even when I want to give up
