PAST JOURNAL ENTRY (Current commentary in purple.)
The last thing, I do is listen to the tape. Sometimes, I really listen to the words other times your voice is just soothing and comforting. Sometimes, I fall asleep before it ends. It is a good thing that it doesn't wake me up when it shuts off. I am apprehensive about going to work tomorrow. I really miss you and am trying really hard to stay connected to you. Thanks for trying on your end...it helps.
The cards really mean a lot to me. They are very important. Thank you. It means even more because there was forethought and pre-planning on your part. And, as difficult as it was to just ask you for a card, it was well worth it to just tell you what I wanted. Amazes me how difficult that is for me even for seemingly small things.
Tonight the suicidal thoughts and really wanting to hurt myself is really loud. I want so much to injure myself. [Defense against feeling good, missing him and being angry that he is gone and ungrounded. He helps to ground me like a mother does to their child.]
Today, I was really tired and got up late. I was frustrated with trying to work, so asked my husband to take me to the Nordstrom sale. It helped. Then, I was able to work.
Both yesterday and today the wanting to bruise has been loud, but not as loud as last weekend. I think, the cards have really helped along with the tape. However, the thoughts have been intrusive, even during the concert and shopping.
I can feel myself getting a little excited and feel bad about that. Then, I try to shut down and start to think that you aren't coming back or it isn't a big deal. Little angry about the cards because they were very helpful. Helped to quiet or stop the projections. [Angry at myself for needing them. Also, preemptive strike (defense), just in case he doesn't come back.]