PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October 31, 2005 ~ Self-injury continues

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY

Geoffrey,

Today, I felt out of control and on auto pilot. I bruised in the morning and in the afternoon. I felt so much calmer. I really need to stop and I really intended to keep my promises. They really did matter to me. It was like I just wasn't aware of what I started to do and then, I didn't care and continued.

[At this point in time, I am still working full time and getting further behind and stressed. However, I am having difficulty focusing because I keep thinking of harming myself. At the end of every session, I promise not to do anything. It was good that when I did that he believed I meant what I said, but wasn't able to follow through. My addiction to self-injury is beginning to interfere with work.]

I'm feeling really bad which I guess is part of the purpose. [Projecting onto myself and acting out the internalized "I am bad."] During part of it, I flashed back to doing the same thing as a teenager and junior high school. Then, it seemed like I would just find myself hitting with the wooden spoon out of the kitchen. Felt so ashamed, then and now. Also, felt confused.

[When I was growing up, NOBODY talked or knew about self injury. It was kind of like I dissociated and then found my self hitting and couldn't stop. With the flashback and the frequency, I am in trouble. I know that hospitalization was discussed, but I didn't want it and he wasn't pushing the issue. Now, I really appreciate the position that he was in because I did need hospitalization, but he knew that he needed my cooperation otherwise it wouldn't be helpful. He took a risk and I am grateful.]

I guess, I'm just having difficulty with allowing myself to feel. But, hurting myself is really comforting, calming and soothing. [Which is how it began as a child. It was how I taught myself how to comfort, calm and sooth myself. It also reenacted my own abuse which is part of how I dealt with it.] But, I know I need to stop.

When I spoke with you on the telephone with you yesterday it did help to reduce my anxiety about seeing you tonight. And, I really intended to keep my promises.

Panic is the primary feeling that I feel when I think about you leaving or even being connected to you. So much anxiety. Felt good to be somewhat numb. I also feel like crying. Feels like I'm trying to hold it together by myself.

The panic is really familiar, but I'm not sure when I felt this. It feels like I need to die or I'm going to die. This is a different kind of panic than my everyday panic. It has other elements and feels more intense. I wonder when I felt like this because it is familiar, but I can't identify when. [What I think now is that it was being emotionally abandoned at a very young age which is how and infant would feel. Also, and infant would feel rage which is related to my self-injury. So, Geoffrey going on vacation triggers all this because he is my primary attachment.]

I'm feeling a little out of control. Maybe, it is just that I'm hurt, angry, really scared and feel bad. Seems like there is more, but I don't know what. [This particular vacation, which is only a week, is triggering lots of abandonment issues and I am behaviorally acting out my distress all over the place. I've come a long way from doing all of this, but it is still really difficult. This was hard to rewrite as I remember the pain I was in.]