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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October 31, 2005 ~ Self-injury continues



Today, I felt out of control and on auto pilot. I bruised in the morning and in the afternoon. I felt so much calmer. I really need to stop and I really intended to keep my promises. They really did matter to me. It was like I just wasn't aware of what I started to do and then, I didn't care and continued.

[At this point in time, I am still working full time and getting further behind and stressed. However, I am having difficulty focusing because I keep thinking of harming myself. At the end of every session, I promise not to do anything. It was good that when I did that he believed I meant what I said, but wasn't able to follow through. My addiction to self-injury is beginning to interfere with work.]

I'm feeling really bad which I guess is part of the purpose. [Projecting onto myself and acting out the internalized "I am bad."] During part of it, I flashed back to doing the same thing as a teenager and junior high school. Then, it seemed like I would just find myself hitting with the wooden spoon out of the kitchen. Felt so ashamed, then and now. Also, felt confused.

[When I was growing up, NOBODY talked or knew about self injury. It was kind of like I dissociated and then found my self hitting and couldn't stop. With the flashback and the frequency, I am in trouble. I know that hospitalization was discussed, but I didn't want it and he wasn't pushing the issue. Now, I really appreciate the position that he was in because I did need hospitalization, but he knew that he needed my cooperation otherwise it wouldn't be helpful. He took a risk and I am grateful.]

I guess, I'm just having difficulty with allowing myself to feel. But, hurting myself is really comforting, calming and soothing. [Which is how it began as a child. It was how I taught myself how to comfort, calm and sooth myself. It also reenacted my own abuse which is part of how I dealt with it.] But, I know I need to stop.

When I spoke with you on the telephone with you yesterday it did help to reduce my anxiety about seeing you tonight. And, I really intended to keep my promises.

Panic is the primary feeling that I feel when I think about you leaving or even being connected to you. So much anxiety. Felt good to be somewhat numb. I also feel like crying. Feels like I'm trying to hold it together by myself.

The panic is really familiar, but I'm not sure when I felt this. It feels like I need to die or I'm going to die. This is a different kind of panic than my everyday panic. It has other elements and feels more intense. I wonder when I felt like this because it is familiar, but I can't identify when. [What I think now is that it was being emotionally abandoned at a very young age which is how and infant would feel. Also, and infant would feel rage which is related to my self-injury. So, Geoffrey going on vacation triggers all this because he is my primary attachment.]

I'm feeling a little out of control. Maybe, it is just that I'm hurt, angry, really scared and feel bad. Seems like there is more, but I don't know what. [This particular vacation, which is only a week, is triggering lots of abandonment issues and I am behaviorally acting out my distress all over the place. I've come a long way from doing all of this, but it is still really difficult. This was hard to rewrite as I remember the pain I was in.]


Immi said...

CC, It's so normal to feel out of control with all those other feelings flapping around. Our human brains are designed to use those feelings to make us do stuff to keep us safe. And some of our brains are a bit out of whack and overreact for a variety of reasons eh? So be nice to you please. I totally tip my hat to you for recognizing that you're acting out AND that you have come a long way. Good for you :)

Clueless said...

@immi. I like the phrase flapping about. LOL!!

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