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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Friday, October 31, 2008

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 2-6, 2005 ~ On Vacation

Geoffrey,

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY (Current commentary in purple.)

[Well, after all the anticipation Geoffrey goes on vacation out of town for four days. He admits that it isn't good timing and this will be the first one where he will not be calling from where he is on vacation to check on me. At the beginning of this second go around, he even called from Canada twice. But, I was in a much more unstable place. Even, so this one is really tough...obviously. Plus, at this point, I was talking to him on the telephone at least one time during the weekend. Being that he just went out of town and that I handled it well really shows me how far I've come.]

I'm feeling really sad that I'm not going to see you or be able to talk to you. I felt like crying this week, but I think I numbed out at the beginning and then I just shut it down. I really don't want you to go and am already missing you.

I'm also really wanting to bruise and am a little angry that I asked for the contract. Also, feel a little sager that you wrote one. I also really don't like the way that it is written...makes me feel bad.

[The bruising is a way of saying that I am angry and in pain. I asked for a contract for not harming myself including self-injury because I take contracts really seriously, so this was to insure that I would not do anything while he was gone, even so I ended up feeling bad.]

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The card really touched me and made me tear up...helped me feel connected and cared about. [In advance, he had given my husband cards, one to give to me each day he was gone. My husband would put them in a different place every morning. I was a fantastic surprise.] Had a really full day with my husband. Way too much traffic and feel like I did too much, but I think being busy helped. Kept thinking about bruising and wanting to now. But, it helps to read everything.

The way the contract is written really bothers me, so I think I'll stop reading it. I know what is says and I plan to keep my promises. Actually, the cards help the most...today's especially. I liked the hug part. My husband gave me a hug instead. The tape helps too, as does the mug, and pillow. [I have a micro cassette recorder with messages from him and whenever he goes away I take home his coffee mug with his name. Last week, when he was gone was the first time that I did not need the mug!! Hooray!]

The last thing, I do is listen to the tape. Sometimes, I really listen to the words other times your voice is just soothing and comforting. Sometimes, I fall asleep before it ends. It is a good thing that it doesn't wake me up when it shuts off. I am apprehensive about going to work tomorrow. I really miss you and am trying really hard to stay connected to you. Thanks for trying on your end...it helps.
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The cards really surprised me and made me feel good. Feels good to know you care and that I can allow myself to feel that. I have all three cards on my desk today. However, the thoughts are really loud, but these things help to keep me grounded and centered and quiet things a bit. I am feeling overwhelmed and anxious...panicky I can't wait for the day to be over. I really miss you and hope that you are having a good time.

The cards really mean a lot to me. They are very important. Thank you. It means even more because there was forethought and pre-planning on your part. And, as difficult as it was to just ask you for a card, it was well worth it to just tell you what I wanted. Amazes me how difficult that is for me even for seemingly small things.

Tonight the suicidal thoughts and really wanting to hurt myself is really loud. I want so much to injure myself. [Defense against feeling good, missing him and being angry that he is gone and ungrounded. He helps to ground me like a mother does to their child.]
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Yesterday was really difficult. I kept getting angry with my husband. I was really feeling bad that I was missing you and liked the cards. I felt on edge all day. Partly, I think, I was anxious about the concert which went well it was quiet and our box was not full. I took my PRNs four times Saturday.

Today, I was really tired and got up late. I was frustrated with trying to work, so asked my husband to take me to the Nordstrom sale. It helped. Then, I was able to work.

Both yesterday and today the wanting to bruise has been loud, but not as loud as last weekend. I think, the cards have really helped along with the tape. However, the thoughts have been intrusive, even during the concert and shopping.

I can feel myself getting a little excited and feel bad about that. Then, I try to shut down and start to think that you aren't coming back or it isn't a big deal. Little angry about the cards because they were very helpful. Helped to quiet or stop the projections. [Angry at myself for needing them. Also, preemptive strike (defense), just in case he doesn't come back.]

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