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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

I Don't Feel Like Writing A Post!!

Well, I don't!! I have no motivation today to write a post. Last week, zapped me of my energy, so did this weekend and lack of sleep. Well, you already heard about last week if not you can read it. Then, I completed the Retaliation slideshow which is really disturbing to me and I watched it with my therapist today. I started to go away and fragment afterward, but I was able to speak with tonight once I stopped fragmenting, so much.

That was helpful because I need to feel reconnect to me and to him in order to handle my session tomorrow evening with my husband where I am going to tell him more about the sexual abuse in the garage. I just hope I show up. That is the goal that I am trying to focus on...just show up, be present, don't go away, don't fragment, don't dissociate before I even start talking. Just simply be and be present. Sounds simple, but it isn't in practice.

I also see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I am going to tell him what has been going on. This will include that I am not sleeping well. For the past several weeks, I have only been sleeping two to three hours at night. And for the past four nights, I have been sleeping two hours or less than I am up for the day and take a nap around 2 pm or 3 pm. I tried to stay up and not take naps, but then I still only slept the short amount of time.

Two weeks ago, my psychiatrist said that it had to do with the emotional work that I was doing in my therapy and the accompanying flashbacks/nightmares. I start getting into the deeper REM, dreaming sleep, and I have a nightmare and wake up. I am beginning to feel sleep deprived. However, there are no more medications to add. Last time, he felt it was temporary...sigh!!! I'm frustrated. I guess, I did want to write a post about what is going on currently...I'm exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally...need sleep!!!


Laura said...

I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time with your sleep. It's hard to feel well when you're not resting. I think you wrote a great post even though you said you didn't feel like writing one.

Anonymous said...

*holding your hand while you go*

Much love to you, my friend!

Bradley said...

Give yourself a break today, Clueless. Get some much needed rest (as much as you are able). My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Clueless said...

Hi Drifter, I know you understand. Thanks. Thanks for the compliment.

Hi Ash, thank you. I am anxious, but it is all my own. My husband will be fine.

Uncle Bradley, you give good advice. I really appreciate you support.

Wandering Coyote said...

Well, you wrote a post! Excellent!

Sleep issues suck totally, and I can sympathize. I hope you get that back on track because it's the most important element in staying well.

Mike Golch said...

C.C. Hang in there kid it gets better even if it does not seem so. one day can change every thing. yesterday was really a bad one as mt blog entry explains.Today is much better so far.

Immi said...

Sometimes the emotional work bowls me over too. Bradley's suggestion is the one that seems to help most... take it easy on you. We can only handle so much at one time. *offers hugs*

Tamara (TC) Staples said...


I don't think staying present and not fragmenting in the session with your husband sounds simple at all. But, I know you are strong and determined to heal so I believe that you will handle it well. This is a brave step you are taking. I applaud you!

I agree with Bradley, give yourself a break and get some rest.

And, you did an excellent job of writing a post that you didn't feel like writing.

Sending you hugs and strength,

Clueless said...

Thanks Wandering Coyote, my psychiatrist thinks that after today, I might be able to sleep better.

@Mike. Thanks for the encouragement. Just get through today!!

@immi...Thank you for the hugs. You are right and you just prevented me from doing too much today. :-)

@Tamara. Thank you for the support and hugs. Uncle Bradley was wise today, huh?

Anonymous said...

Not writing a post and writing a post about not wanting to - that shows true courage on your part, for admitting it and then for writing about it - many feel the same at blogs but rarely admit it...

How refreshing, thank you!

Clueless said...

You are welcome. It ended up being a pretty decent post considering.

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