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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

"Good job & proud ~ I’m bad & nothing is good"

In today’s session, I was really fragmenting and everything I heard from my therapist I perceived a criticism or felt bad. Four things are happening that I would automatically fragment from that are happening now are my slideshow, session last night with my husband, therapist going on vacation, and surgery. Lack of sleep doesn’t help either.

I already wrote about Monday and the slideshow already. Well, last night, I had my session with my husband and I did a really good job of telling him some of the things that happened in the garage. I even continued talking on the way home and cuddled with him at night. It went really well and my husband said that it helped him to understand why I react the way I do.

This morning I woke up numb and couldn’t figure out what I was thinking or feeling. In session, I kept fragmenting. I realized that I was depressed because I didn’t want to feel anything; however, when I would say that I would begin to tear up. I also stated that I felt good to just sit next to my therapist and watch the slideshow together and feel safe. My therapist also pointed out that I have a difficult time hanging on to anything good, so lets do the borderline dance. Push everything good away, discount it, and make me bad. Instead of saying, “I’m proud of the work I did in the past two days and I did a good job!” The tug of war has begun in my head. I don’t want to be me today…my head hurts.
(Until after my surgery, I am going to try to keep this light and maybe talk about current stuff only...nothing too deep...taking care of me!)

14 comments:

Anonymous Drifter said...

You did a good job. Be proud of yourself.

Ana said...

((((Clueless))))
I've just came to say hello.
Love,
Ana

Clueless said...

Drifter. Thank you!

Thanks for the hugs and hello Ana. (((Ana)))

Anonymous said...

Hi CC,

I can relate to pushing good stuff away. I also used to suck bad stuff towards me, dont do that as much now.
You are right to take it easy and save your energy for the physical side.

Stay strong, Simon.

Clueless said...

Thank you Simon. I easily forget the physical side. Nice to hear from you again.

P.J. said...

It IS sometimes difficult to look at the good things we've accomplished and how far we've come, instead of the things we know we could have done better.

I think you should be VERY proud of yourself for every positive step you make in the right direction.

Take care. Prayers to you!

Ash said...

Sending you warm thoughts and healing energy!! Much love for you.

Clueless said...

Thank you Ash!!

Tamara said...

Good for you! I am glad things went well in the session with your husband. I know that, at times, it is hard to accept the good stuff. I think we are so familiar with the bad that in a weird way it almost feels more comfortable. But, let the good in if you can. You will learn that it can feel wonderful. You deserve to feel good and wonderful!

Hugs,
Tamara

Clueless said...

Thank you Tamara!!!

Doc said...

Thanks for the visit and comment. Glad I could give you a laugh. Actually, it's one of my defenses to laugh at myself before anyone else can, and that carries over into my writing. That, in turn, relates to your post. As long as I can remember I've been afraid that "they" will reveal that I'm not smart enough, good enough, effective enough, or pick my nose.

Peace, Doc

svasti said...

CC - that's brilliant. Very brave of you, you did well.

I often find once I've opened myself up to someone in a new way - no matter how well I already know them - it makes me feel like I'm in more danger. That I'm more vulnerable.

And that can lead to me wanting more space even though I've actually just gotten closer to that person.

I think its just the survival mechanism thing kicking in...

Clueless said...

@ P.J. How did I miss your comment? It is good to see YOU! We are so conditioned to look at the negative or discounting the positive...hard to change patterns. Thank you for the support.

@doc. Thanks! I promise, I won't pick your nose!!

@svasti. Thank you. Everything is about protection and survival based on perceived threats, sigh! I really am enjoying getting to know you better!!

Melinda said...

Hi CC,

I was thinking about you today and wondering how you were doing. It sounds as though your hard work is starting to pay off. Commuicating with our partners is so important--my husband had such an idyllic childhood, he simply could not imagine what mine was like. You are strong and beautiful.

Take care,

Melinda

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