Coming Out of Denial

Eating Disorders by ClinicallyClueless on Polyvore.com

I know that I've written about my eating disorder before, but I feel like I'm actually coming out of denial as how much of a problem/addiction that it is and the cost that I pay. The shirts above, some of which I purchased, emphisized the point.  I actually have ones that say "anorexia" on them.  When I shared them with my therapist he cheered and said, "coming out of denial."  I am determined not to let this consume my life anymore.  I want to move on and reach my goals.  This is a tough road to travel, even as I begin.  However, I am meeting my goal of eating at least 5-6 times per day even if some days it is a tablespoon of ice cream, peanut butter, Nutella, etc...I am proud of myself for meeting my goal.

Eating Disorders: How to Help

Most families and friends are anxious of doing or saying the wrong thing to help someone with an eating disorder.  Some, in an effort, to help reinforce eating disorder thinking and behavior.  Also, there are very specific tips that have helped me with my eating disorder of 25 years.

During the 25 year period, it hasn't been active. But, it is like any addiction, you are always in recovery and the slightest thing can throw you off.  I've had a six year with no symptoms of an eating disorder.  But, the stress of a death in my family threw me into a tailspin and back into therapy.

Eating disorders are an addiction and a mental illness.  It is highly difficult to treat and takes much time with a patient therapist and with yourself.  This really is the case of you are only as sick as are your NON-VEBALIZED secrets.  The following chart is an example of the addiction cycle:

For Friends and Family Members:

• Avoid power struggles over food
• Accept your limitations
• Accept the other person's right to an independent life
• Do not cater to the person's diet, such as, making special food other than what the family eats.
• Allow each household member to make his or her own food choices
• Hold the person responsible for behavior that affects others
• Avoid power struggles (remember it is about control)
• Don't monitor someone else's behavior for them (even if you are invited to)
• Don't try to play therapist
• DO NOT comment about someone's weight and looks
• Obtain professional help, sometimes it requires inpatient or outpatient hospitalization
• Educate yourself about eating disorders
• Be patient.  They will probably reject your help and react with anger and denial.  Having an eating disorder feels painful and shameful.
• Be compassionate.  Eating disorders are complex and are symptoms of much deeper issues.  It is an unheathly way to deal with emotions.
• Talk about other things than their eating disorder.
• Affirm their strengths and other interests that having nothing to do with food or their appearance.
• Express your own needs, without blaming or shaming the person. It is important for them to take their own time. However, if medical intervention is necessary do not wait!!

• Keep calm, focused and respectful during difficult conversations.

•Examine your own attitudes about food, weight, body image and body size. Think about the way you personally are affected by body-image pressures, and share these with the person.

• Think about your own attitudes and prejudices about body image, weight and desire to be thinner.
• Take care of yourself. Take care of your own physical, emotional, social and spritual needs.

If you have an eating disorder you can help yourself:

• Read self-help books.
• Write in a journal or blog.  Try to focus on feelings.  Feeling "fat" is not a feeling. It is a judgement.

• Express yourself in writing, fingerpainting, painting, and other types of art.  Be creative...there is not write and wrong.
• Try to stay in touch with your feeling and thoughts especially if you binge.
• Your eating disorder may be your best friend.  I found/find it very comforting, but I am learning to find other ways, such as, talking with a friend about other things than food or body image, a hug, listen to music, practice mindfulness or meditatation, etc...
• Accept the way you are and start to love yourself and appreciate yourself.  This is quite difficult at first as we are used to being critical and judgemental about ourself.
• Listen to your body...I am I hungry?
• Eat something at normal meal times.
• Don't focus on your weight. Hide or get rid of the scale.
• Don't count calories.
• Don't categorize foods into "good" and "bad."
• Don't try to hide your behavior.  At least, speak with your therapist about your difficulties.  For me, it helps me to keep accountable and more aware of what I am doing.
• Don't tell others that you have eaten when that "really" isn't the case. 
• Purchase clothing that fit you and make you feel good.  Don't focus on the size!!
• Develop a good support system.

There are many excellent resources available by doing a search on the Internet. It would be too long to list in this post.  Remember, take care of yourself...something that I have to remind myself everyday...somedays are better than others...Be kind to yourself because it takes time.

NEDA Week ~ It May Not Be What You Really See

Eating Disorders Awareness Week: Media and Garment Industry influences.

Vanity sizing, also known as size inflation is used to refer to the phenomenon of ready-to-wear clothing of the same nominal size becoming larger over time. It is generally acknowledged that clothing of the same nominal size has become larger over the years.

In 2003, a study that measured over 1,011 pairs of women's pants found that more expensive brands tended to be smaller than cheaper ones of the same nominal size. The increasing dimensions of garments of the same nominal size has caused some designers to introduce size 0, 00, or other subzero sizes. Many commentators have suggested that "vanity sizing," as its name suggests, is designed to satisfy buyers' wishes to appear thin and feel better about themselves.

Model fired for being "too large."

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

For another video clip titled, "Size 4 model 'too fat' to work" 

Retouching: Real versus Fake:

Trying to attain the "perfect" body according to the media requires retouching.  No wonder most women want to lose weight...some will DIE to get it.

ED Myths and Infuences

Myths & Realities From Mirror-Mirror:

Only teenage girls suffer from eating disorders. Many eating disorders do begin in the teenage years, but children, men, older women and just about anyone can fall victim to this terrible disorder.

You can never fully recover from an eating disorder. Recovery takes a long time, but with hard work and the proper treatment, you can fully recover from your eating disorder.

Men with eating disorders are always gay. Someone's sexual preference has nothing to do with them developing an eating disorder.

Eating disorders are solely a problem with food. With all eating disorders, weight is the focus of life. By focusing on food, weight and calories, a person is able to block out or numb painful feelings and emotions. Some use food as a way to comfort themselves. Eating disorders are NOT a problem with food. They are in fact only a symptom of underlying problems.

Bulimics always purge by vomiting. Not all bulimics try to rid themselves of the calories they have consumed by vomiting. Purging can take the form of laxatives, diuretics, exercising, or fasting.

You can always tell someone is anorexic by their appearance. Not all anorexics look like the extreme cases shown on talk shows, etc. Some anorexics may be anywhere from 5 to 15 lbs. underweight. They look thin, but they do not have what society considers to be the "anorexic" look. Just because someone does not look emaciated, does not mean they are not anorexic or that their health is not in danger.

Anorexics do not eat candy, chocolate, etc. Many anorexics do avoid such foods, but some do eat them on a regular basis. If an anorexic decides to only allow him/herself 300 calories a day, they may very well choose to eat a chocolate bar, candy, etc.

Anorexics do not binge or purge. Many anorexics will go on occasional binges and purge. Some anorexics can become so fearful of any food or drink that they will purge whatever they put into their system, including water.

You cannot die from bulimia. Bulimics are at a high risk for dying, especially if they are purging, using laxatives and doing excessive exercise. Many bulimics have died from cardiac arrest which is usually caused by low potassium or an electrolyte imbalance. Others have died from a ruptured esophagus.

People with eating disorders do this to hurt their family and friends. People with eating disorders are doing this to themselves. They are usually very upset when they know the people around them are worried or hurt by their eating disorder.

Compulsive eating is not an eating disorder. It is very much an eating disorder and is just as serious as anorexia and bulimia.

Compulsive eaters are just lazy people. Compulsive eating is a way to cope just like anorexia and bulimia are. A person uses food as a way to comfort or numb themselves, block out feelings and emotions, etc. They are not lazy! They are people in emotional pain trying to cope using the only way they know how. Like anorexia and bulimia, they need proper treatment to overcome it. They do not need to be sent to health spas and diet clinics.

People cannot have more than one eating disorder. Many people have more than one eating disorder. It is very common for someone to suffer with more than one eating disorder. That just proves that the eating behaviors are only the symptoms, not the problem.

Some risk factors include:

• Body dissatisfaction
• Dieting
• Low self-esteem
• Perfectionism
• Childhood sexual abuse
• Family history of eating disorders
• Obsssive-compulsive features
• Need for control
• Difficulty expressing emotions
• Media pressure to be thin
• Being female
• Mood disorders
• Overly critical families
• Athletes, actors, television personalities, dancers, models, ballerinas, gymnasts, runners and wrestlers.

NO ONE IS EXEMPT FROM OBTAINING AN EATING DISORDER...NO ONE!!

Famous people who have DIED from Eating Disorders:

Karen Carpenter (musician): Went on a water diet to lose weight and, as she put it, to appear more attractive. Continued to diet even after losing 20 lbs, until her death at the age of 32. She died of cardiac arrest due to anorexia and weighed only 80 lbs.

Ana Carolina Reston: Brazilian model, starved herself to death in 2006.

Theresa Marie "Terri" Schiavo (December 3, 1963 – March 31, 2005): Her physician failed to recognize and diagnose bulimia

Margaux Hemmingway: actress, model, suffered with bulimia

Christy Henrich (gymnast): In 1988, Christy was told by a U.S. judge that she had to lose weight in order to make the Olympic team. She died of multiple organ failure, as a result of anorexia, at the age of 22. She weighed only 60 lbs.

Heidi Guenther (ballet dancer): After being told by a theatre company that at 5'5" in height and 96 lbs in weight she was too chunky, she developed an eating disorder. She collapsed and died at the age of 22 due to complications from her eating disorder.

Leila Pahlavi: The youngest daughter of the late Shah of Iran stole prescriptions from the desk of her doctor in order to feed her fatal addiction to barbiturates, an inquest heard yesterday. Princess Leila Pahlavi, 31, died alone in her suite at a London hotel after taking prescription drugs and cocaine. She was found in bed, her body emaciated by years of anorexia and bulimia.

Anne Sexton: American poet Anne Sexton (1928-1974), who was sexually abused in childhood and committed suicide at the age of 46, suffered from anorexia and depression.

Famous celebrities who have spoken publicly about their suffering with Eating Disorders:

Paula Abdul: Dancer, choreograph and singer battled bulimia and decided to check herself in a clinic, back in 1994. Her negative feelings about her own body image came as early as seven years old when she began dancing, but "it didn't manifest into a full-blown eating disorder until I was in high school." Today Paula Abdul is a spokesperson for the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA). "It is one of the toughest things to talk about, bar none, and it is one of the hardest disorders to deal with because it's not black or white. Eating disorders really have nothing to do with food, it's about feelings."

Imogen Bailey: She's been called one of Australia's sexiest models, but actress Imogen Bailey recently revealed her battle with anorexia and how she is now healthy.

Maria Conchita Alonso: Beauty pageant winner and actress, the first contemporary international Latina superstar, recently began speaking out about her struggle with bulimia. Struggling with the condition for nearly a decade, resulting in damage to her esophagus and her teeth, she eventually sought help for the self-destructive syndrome.

Christine Alt: Model Christine Alt (Carol Alt's sister) developed an eating disorder under the pressure to slim down from modeling agencies and clients. "I think that half the women in this world who are plus-size would not be if they never went on a diet."

Magali Amadei: Magali Amadei has appeared on the covers of fashion magazines. She's been on TV commercials, billboards and even in movies! With all that success, you'd think that she would have tons of confidence. But for many years, Magali suffered from bulimia.

Fiona Apple: Singer and songwriter Fiona Apple became anorexic after being raped outside of her mother's home at the age of twelve. She says she was not anorexic out of a desire to be thin, but as a reaction to being raped. She also admitted to having self-injurious behaviors in the past.

Imogen Bailey: The English 'Neighbours' soap opera star has revealed that she battled with anorexia when she first started modeling. The 31-year-old actress, who plays Nicola West in the soap said that she began to diet when she started doing bikini photoshoots.

Justine Bateman: Former 'Family Ties' actress Justine Bateman struggled with bulimia. Justine is now an activist for recovery and speaks from time to time at eating disorder support groups about her experiences with an eating disorder.

Victoria Beckham: Victoria Beckham (Posh Spice from the Spice Girls) publicly admitted struggling with an eating disorder in the early days of the Spice Girls, after years "in denial". "I was very obsessed. I mean, I could tell you the fat content and the calorie content in absolutely anything," she told ABC's 20/20 in 2003.

Kate Beckinsale: Actress Kate Beckinsale struggled with an eating disorder during her teen years, before she decided to start acting. She has frankly spoken in interviews about her eating problem. Thanks to the support of her family and therapy Kate was able to recover from anorexia.

Melanie Chisholm: Singer Melanie Chisholm (Melanie C - former Sporty Spice from the Spice Girls) publicly admitted suffering from an eating disorder and depression. Throughout the time she was in the "Spice Girls", Melanie alternated between starving herself and excessive exercise. "My mum assumed my tiny body was a result of being busy with the band and working out regularly."

Kelly Clarkson: The 'American Idol' winner struggled with bulimia for six months until friends discovered her secret and begged her to get help.

Nadia Comaneci: gymnast

Sandra Dee: Model and actress Sandra Dee struggled with an eating disorder and had a drinking problem for decades. "I was anorexic for many, many years -- even before people knew what it was .They didn't even have a name for it back then."

Susan Dey: Actress Susan Dey battled anorexia and bulimia. Susan was so underweight and malnourished she stopped having menstrual periods and her fingers turned orange from eating almost nothing but carrots.

Diana, Princess of Wales: Princess Diana struggled with an eating disorder and also admitted that she used to self-harm herself. The following is an extract of an interview of Princess Diana about her battle with bulimia - "I had bulimia for a number of years. And that's like a secret disease. You inflict it upon yourself because your self-esteem is at a low ebb, and you don't think you're worthy or valuable. You fill your stomach up four or five times a day - some do it more - and it gives you a feeling of comfort. It's like having a pair of arms around you, but it's temporarily, temporary. Then you're disgusted at the bloatedness of your stomach, and then you bring it all up again. And it's a repetitive pattern, which is very destructive to yourself." Diana also admitted in a television interview that she intentionally cut her arms and legs and had thrown herself down a flight of stairs on more than one occasion.

Sally Field: Actress Sally Field struggled with an eating disorder in the past. Sally began her three-year battle with anorexia and bulimia at the age of 20. "Everybody then was Twiggy, except me."

Jane Fonda: Award-winning actress Jane Fonda revealed several years ago that she had been a secret bulimic from age 12, and struggled with anorexia and bulimia for 30 years. Jane became one of the first Hollywood actresses to break the silence and talk openly about eating disorders and campaigned to raise awareness about anorexia and bulimia. In her autobiography "My Life So Far", Jane honestly talks about her 30 year battle with eating disorders.

Tracy Gold: Actress Tracey Gold suffered from an eating disorder and was first diagnosed with anorexia at the age of 12. She went into treatment and recovered after only a couple of months. But at the age of 19, in 1988, she relapsed and fell back into the vicious cycle of anorexia. Tracey eventually recovered and resumed her acting career which was effected negatively by her eating disorder.

Geri Halliwell: Singer Geri Halliwell (former Ginger Spice from the Spice Girls) publicly admitted suffering from bulimia and binge eating for several years. "I realized I couldn't control this monster anymore. I needed to find help." Her piece of advice for those who are struggling - "I can honestly tell you from personal experience, that worrying about an eating disorder really can get you down. There's nothing to be ashamed about. You'll be amazed at the difference it'll make to your whole life if you tell someone you trust. There are lots of people who want to help and you really CAN'T fight this one on your own. It might be a hard decision to make, to tell people and to seek help but, trust me it's nowhere as hard as trying to deal with it on your own." Geri has written a book called "Just For The Record" in which she talks with brutal honesty about her life, including battling and overcoming eating disorders, which she has struggled with since childhood.

Audrey Hepburn: Actress Audrey Hepburn struggled with anorexia and depression - which was unknown to the public during her career. She was known to lose weight under pressure and to be "strange" about food. Rumor has it that current actresses are being "harassed" by the media who points to Audrey as an example of a thin woman without an eating disorder, but that was NOT the case!

Janet Jackson: Singer Janet Jackson has been quoted in the media as having an ongoing battle with an eating disorder.

Elton John: Elton John has gone public about his struggles with bulimia, as well as a less common eating disorder of chewing and spitting.

Maureen McCormick: Actress (The Brady Bunch) struggled with bulimia as an adolescent.

Mary McDonough: Actress (The Waltons) struggled with an eating disorder.

Kellie Martin: Actress Kellie Martin developed anorexia when she was cast in "Life Goes On".

Alanis Morissette: Canadian singer Alanis Morissette has admitted that she has struggled with anorexia and bulimia between the ages of 14 and 18 when she was trying to break into the music business. She wrote the song "Perfect" (from Jagged Little Pill album), inspired by her eating disorder recovery.

Thandie Newton: Actress Thandie Newton says she used to suffer from bulimia and still bears the scars. Newton, who won best supporting actress at last year's BAFTA awards for her role in 'Crash.' Thandie developed the eating disorder at the age of 14 while training at dance school. She told about how she suffered from "horrible bulimia for about a year", saying: "I've still got the scars on my knuckles from where I put my fingers down my throat." The actress said a therapist in L.A. helped her overcome her battle with food, in her mid-twenties.

Syliva Plath: Poet and author Syliva Plath struggled with an eating disorder and depression.

Cathy Rigby (gymnast)

Joan Rivers: Comedian and author Joan Rivers battled bulimia for years.

Ally Sheedy: Actress Ally Sheedy (best known for her role in the 1985 hit "The Breakfast Club") struggled with anorexia and bulimia in the past and at one point also was addicted to pain killer medications.

Richard Simmons: Fitness and diet guru Richard Simmons suffered from an eating disorder in the past.

Courtney Thorne-Smith: Former 'Ally Mc Beal' actress Courtney Thorne-Smith battled an eating disorder. Courtney developed anorexia due to the pressure to be thin. Her slide into anorexia led her to quit the television show 'Ally Mc Beal'.

Meredith Vieira: Former 'The View' co-host Meredith Vieira said that she had an eating disorder and body images issues when she was younger.

Oprah Winfrey: The most influential person on TV, Oprah Winfrey, who was raped at the age of nine by her nineteen year old cousin and repeatedly sexually abused, struggled with disordered eating. Oprah, who said about her weight "It's always a struggle. I've felt safer and more protected when I was heavy. Food has always been comforting."

The above only covers a small portion of more celebrities and famous people.  To find out more and resources, and information regarding eating disorders go to EDRefferral.com.

Angry, Discouraged and Fat

Tonight, I am really having a tough time.  I'm really wanting to cut and I'm so angry at myself.  When the weekend started, I was already having a difficult time and I know I misinterpreted what my therapist told me, but yet it sticks in my head and feelings.  I wonder if this is what I look like now?

I was quite excited about the Nordstrom Opening and was looking forward to making some purchases.  There were approximately 2000 people waiting to go in.  I was one of probably the first 50 as those who had a make up make-over were first.  It was an incredible crowd (lots of PRN and trying to get into a place to breathe) which was exciting.  The store opened at 10 am and the make overs at 8 am; however, there were people there since 7 am.  The Nordstrom brothers were there!!! The store is absolutely beautiful!!!  With many, many sitting breaks, I left about 2:30pm.  Then, took a three hour nap.

I was talking with all my usual sales person's some who have moved up or to another department because of the changes.  Last week, I was talking to one of the sales person's who became a manager of the department.  She knows me, but hasn't seen me in quite awhile.  The first thing that she did was to congratulate me and asked how far along I was.  I explained all the medical stuff and she was embarrassed and profusely apologetic. (Obviously, this upset me, but I put it aside. Tonight I am thinking about it).

The way that my weight sits does look like I am pregnant.  I look fine from the front and back, but from the side I look pregnant.  I'm really discouraged and any at myself as I couldn't find anything that I could fit into that I wanted and even the tunics that I liked did not fit.  I just wanted to cry, but the women in the department that know me were somewhat comforting.  I just wanted to purchase something that I needed.  I did end up purchasing some shorts, but will probably return them.  I had to return some bras that would have fit when I ordered them, but they don't now. I had to exchange them for a different size.  I used mail order.

A couple of weeks ago, my doctor wanted me to see a cardiologist due to my labs from three months ago and my weight gain.  She wanted him to do a treadmill stress test which I am unable to complete due to my respiratory issues.  I told her that nothing has changed since my last visit except that I lost six pounds.  So, she and I decided to run labs again, but I needed to return "fasting."  I haven't gone back.

I also know that I've gained weight because my clothes are not fitting me the same.  I know I'm starting my menstrual cycle this coming week, but I am really angry with myself and discouraged that I will ever lose my weight by the methods advised by my dietician!!  And, I'm not even reaching my goal of six small meals per day. I don't know if I want to cry or scream...I do want to cut...not going there.

I feel like throwing up!!

The title of this post is a bit deceiving as I have never purged, but I just feel like I want to throw up as I feel so emotional.

I'm sorry everyone because I keep writing about my eating disorder, but this has been very emotional and difficult for me.  I don't feel like writing about other things right now or even enter my past journal entries which are somewhat less difficult. But, on Tuesday evening my clothes were picked up for donation except for five boxes which requires a second trip. The following is a letter that I wrote last night to my therapist.

May 5, 2010 ~ 7:15 pm

Gary,

I’m sorry that I brought up that Ed picked up my clothing yesterday at the very end of session. I really didn’t know that it was a deal for me. But, as you pointed out and I pointed out…my fragmenting started from Monday, at least. I was able to kind of hide it until today. I’m tearing up as I have so much ambivalence about this.

I wanted to donate the clothing and was excited to do so…didn’t know that there were approximately 400 pieces of clothing and that is without counting them all. And, they were the x-small, small, 24, 25, 00 & 0 sizes. Lots of really cute, cool stuff in them. I feel kind of empty, but it was a relief to donate them. Also, I think that I’m just giving up that I will ever be that size again. I know that it isn’t healthy and it scares me sometimes realizing how thin I became. But, I still want to be able to know that I can get there. But, donating them says, “No, I’m not going back there. I want to get better.”

Then, there is the other part that says, “I don’t have a problem and fitting into those clothes was okay.” I’m finally letting myself know how sick I was and that this is a problem…I guess, I’m still sick. I wanted to grab all the clothing back and tell him, “no, I’ll need them again.” I want to be that size, but I also realize that there is a huge cost and that I don’t want my life to revolve around food. I want to reach my goals especially earning my Psy.D.

I also feel a little scared about taking the steps that I have taken. Going through my clothes, donating them, working with a dietician, trying to cook one time a week and eat six small meals. All of this has and is much more difficult than I anticipated. It sounded easily doable and I thought that I could. But, I’m finding out there is more to this than just eating. Duh, like I didn’t know that. It is different experiencing it versus knowing it. After 30 years, it is a long time to change the way I eat, look at food, my body and my weight.

I know that it is a choice, but I don’t always choose the best one. Then, I think I am bad. I know self-hatred again. It really isn’t so much about control as it is about self-hatred, right? The wanting to disappear, the feeling that I don’t exist, and it is a slow suicide. It does come down further to self-care and self-comforting in non destructive ways. Also, wanting someone to take care of me. I have a lot of feelings, but I cannot identify them. However, I keep becoming tearful.

The needing to lose weight combined with trying not to starve is making my head spin.

How do I change something that I’ve struggled with for about 30 years…I know, I’m not, but I feel really alone tonight. I suppose, I should go eat dinner.

Love,

Coleen

P.S. ~ I’m also disappointed that I didn’t receive any comments on my Monday’s or Tuesday's posts regarding BPD and then Judy and Arleen. Again, wanting validation when it isn’t necessary.

I Didn't Think It Would Be This Difficult!! ED Sucks!!!

This is what my recovery so far has been like.  I'm damned if I do and damned it I don't."  If I eat and meet my goal from my dietician, I feel good that I've met the goal except more of me is angry at myself for eating.  If I don't meet my goal, I feel angry and happy that I didn't eat.  It is just crazy feeling inside.  So many mixed feelings and so much ambivalence.

My veil of denial is being lifted and I don't like what I see.  I'm looking at how severe my eating disorder became and how my therapist should have hospitalized me, but knew I would not cooperate.  I'm noticing how much my thought life is consumed by my eating disorder.  It is exhausting and never ending.  It is a true addiction...addiction to not eating...same chemicals in the brain involved. 

Yet, still I sit here going, "do I eat dinner or not."  Knowing full well that it is a choice and that I have to decide.  But, I also know that it is difficult given that it is an addiction.  My therapist said that in light of how long and severe it became that this is supposed to be difficult and there is no way around it.  He also said that it is okay to go up and down and that it doesn't have to be perfect.  I really didn't expect this to be this difficult, so emotional or that it would take up so much of my time. 

I also, am trying to cook a meal this week as suggested by my dietician.  Well, yesterday I actually went grocery shopping and was so exhausted that I slept for three hours afterward.  My therapist focused on that accomplishment and that it was a start.  Tonight, I might do the prep and tomorrow cook.  We will see.  But the first decision is to eat or not tonight...?

Eating Disorder by ClinicallyClueless on Polyvore.com

Dietician consultation

I've been falling behind in my blogging...ummm...not posting as much as I want to.  I feel like my life has been consumed (no pun intended) with my eating disorder.  Working on this issue in therapy has made me quite tired.  But, anyway...update on my first appointment with my dietician...

I was for the days after I made my appointment extremely nervous and scared. Part of this is due to the fact that I have never let anyone in on how badly my thoughts, emotions and behavior are affected by it. I guess, I've been for the first time allowing myself to really look at and realize how much of a problem it has been for close to thirty years.

Although I received an email from my mother the day Mary (dietician) and I were to meet, I was able to refocus with much effort.  The email really pissed me off.  My husband also met with us...quite unnerving as he didn't know how bad my eating disorder has been for me.

It was extremely helpful that I already knew Mary, her style and that she was quite good.  I felt really happy to see her again and in the things that she said, I am really glad that I quit my job. She was quite sensitive and attuned to my feelings and what my abilities are at this time.  She also kept asking, "what road do you want to take."  I kept bring up that not eating has been the way that I know I can lose weight. I realized that this is the only way that I have.

In talking about how much I eat, Mary noticed how focused I was on amounts and serving sizes.  So, she didn't talk about it, let me talk about it and gave my handout with that information to my husband.  In reality, I was eating one to two meals per day.  Not too bad. 

At certain points, I felt like a deer caught in headlights especially when she asked if I could eat "this amount," and when she gave me the handout on how much I should be eating. We discussed my weight and how it effects my energy and what I am able to do.

Bottom line is that my first goal is to "work on 9 small meals per day which check marks on a calendar."  Yesterday, with much effort I had four...much tougher that I thought it would be.  The second goal is to "cook, at least, once a week with my husband purchasing the food."  I realized that I don't even want to touch the food let alone, cook and eat. 

Cooking will be in steps due to my stamina and Mary not wanting me to skip dinner due to sleeping because I am tired from cooking. So, I am starting with fish packets. My husband will purchase the ingredients, one day I will cut up the veggies or my husband will purchase pre-cut ones. The next day, I will assemble and cook them using store purchased sauce.

I am quite scared about this whole process.  Mary just wants me to focus on getting used to eating a healthy amount and cooking versus picking up food. I have the knowledge, but my emotions tell me differently.  I know that by eating more that I will lose weight; however, I also don't trust that this will happen.  I am learning that I don't want to let go of something that has been my "friend" and way to control my emotions for so long.  But, I'm willing to give it a go.  I am so scared.

Polyvore Eating Disorder Collage ~ Part II

Eating Disorder2 by ClinicallyClueless on Polyvore.com

Eating Disorder Collage

Eating Disorder by ClinicallyClueless on Polyvore.com

Items in this set:
help
shame
Eating Disorder
hopelessness
hands tied

My Eating Disorder: Progress and Hope, Part III of III

Continued from yesterday, Part III of III

However, I have made some good progress during the past couple of weeks. I am talking about my eating disorder with my therapist, psychiatrist and husband including the lying. I’m blogging about it. Thinking about the further health problems that this will add. I’m also feeling quite anxious and angry at myself for talking. (ambivalence sneaking in) I am also feeling happy and relieved that I said something. It is really self-destructive and takes a lot of energy to not talk about my eating disorder.

Now, I don’t feel like my eating disorder isn’t just mine which brings up a whole lot more feelings and again ambivalence rears its ugly head because I don’t feel in control taking about it when, in fact, I am in more control. My eating disorder doesn’t continue take over my life.

To add to those feelings, at the suggestion of my therapist, I now have to manage the feelings that I have about boxing up for donations all of my smallest sizes. The smallest sizes include for pants, skirts and jeans are 24-25 and double zero to zero; tops are xxs-xs; bras are 32A, undies are xs or 4. To give you some perspective I am 5’ 4” and was 97-110 pounds. I’m angry that I'm donating my clothes, I feel like I’m letting go, am out of control, am sad, am disappointed and probably others that I can’t identify yet.

There is also much ambivalence. I am donating a ton of clothing (300+ pieces) that are all in good shape and not out of date. Seeing the amount of clothing also made me realize that up until last year with my health problems that I wasn’t doing very well. I have spent on and off over twenty years with this consuming me as the smaller sizes have usually fit me during those years. I’ll write further about this in a later post.

I am really angry because my therapist told me that he was sure that they would never fit me again because he would hospitalize me first. More ambivalence and control issues here. I know that he is right, but I still think that I can get down to those sizes and be healthy.

I also fool myself and become angry at my therapist when he tells me that I am anorexic. I tell him that I don’t meet the DSM criteria. He says that my thinking, feelings and behavior are the same. And, sometimes I want to fight him about even having an eating disorder. I think that he is wrong and that I am okay. Again, denial and that I don’t want to accept this or let anyone in…again, I am only fooling myself.

Bottom line is that I am anorexic and am in trouble. Also, that I am being more honest and want help. I am also willing to change some behavior, but it certainly doesn’t mean I like it. And, ambivalence says, “now I want to push everyone away.” But, I really don’t want them to go…I do want help and encouragement to work this through and am afraid that I’ll be fat. I am anorexic and don’t have control…my eating disorder has control over me.

To be continued when progress and setbacks occur...

My Eating Disorder: The Ugly Details, Part II of III

Continued from yesterday, Part II of III

Now, I’ve never wanted to give details of what I’ve exactly done to try and hide it on this blog thinking that it will give others ideas. But, when it comes right down to it I didn’t want to look at the truth because if someone has an eating disorder they already know the bag of tricks and more. I just want to deny that it is a problem, that it never was, I can handle it, I’m in control…sounds like addict thinking to me…it is fucking bullshit. I’ve never been in control. It has always had control over me. Sometimes, denial is good until you can deal with the issue or it become life threatening.

There are many ways that I’ve tried to hide my eating disorder, mostly from myself. Like not talking about it and wearing clothing that hides how much I weight. When I had evening sessions it made it really easy to lie to my husband and say I’ve already ate. I would if I had time change from my more form fitting work clothing to loose clothing before session. Avoiding my husband touching or seeing me. I am not doing these things now. But, I was very vigilant when I was in real trouble.

Currently, I am in trouble now in which I will explain what I am doing. The worst part is I am lying to my husband about eating when I haven’t. I especially liked it when he was working late because we did not have any meals together. I tell him that I wasn’t hungry, or ate very little, but lying to him really means I am in trouble because I am not one to out right lie to anyone especially to my husband. I heat or cook something or dirty dishes with food and put the food down the garbage disposal. I always taste a bit, so I can tell him that “I had a little of this to eat.” (I know this is a lie…splitting hairs)

Some days consists of coffee in the morning and water the rest of the day. Sometimes, a piece of bread or something sweet. I sleep through meal times and then say that I’m not hungry or don’t feel good. I am and have always have cut my food up, so people can’t really tell how much I’ve eaten.

I started to lie to my therapist by omission or giving vague answers…I think that I was getting away with something, but, if I thought about it, I would realize that I was only fooling myself. I become extremely anxious when mealtimes come and I really become focused on everything I eat or drink. Along with it, I become preoccupied with my body by weighing myself almost every day or several times a day.

I constantly look in the mirror and see myself as grossly overweight. I am literally not sure what I really look like and haven’t in years. I’ve need my husband to point out women that look like me or if they seem to look heavier or thinner (usually it is heavier). Estimating calories for the day is a way of life. Food is categorized into good and bad food. Along with that is this thing of if I have a bad food I can’t have two meals or snacks or something.

Continues Tomorrow: "Progress and Hope"