My Eating Disorder: The Ugly Details, Part II of III

Continued from yesterday, Part II of III

Now, I’ve never wanted to give details of what I’ve exactly done to try and hide it on this blog thinking that it will give others ideas. But, when it comes right down to it I didn’t want to look at the truth because if someone has an eating disorder they already know the bag of tricks and more. I just want to deny that it is a problem, that it never was, I can handle it, I’m in control…sounds like addict thinking to me…it is fucking bullshit. I’ve never been in control. It has always had control over me. Sometimes, denial is good until you can deal with the issue or it become life threatening.

There are many ways that I’ve tried to hide my eating disorder, mostly from myself. Like not talking about it and wearing clothing that hides how much I weight. When I had evening sessions it made it really easy to lie to my husband and say I’ve already ate. I would if I had time change from my more form fitting work clothing to loose clothing before session. Avoiding my husband touching or seeing me. I am not doing these things now. But, I was very vigilant when I was in real trouble.

Currently, I am in trouble now in which I will explain what I am doing. The worst part is I am lying to my husband about eating when I haven’t. I especially liked it when he was working late because we did not have any meals together. I tell him that I wasn’t hungry, or ate very little, but lying to him really means I am in trouble because I am not one to out right lie to anyone especially to my husband. I heat or cook something or dirty dishes with food and put the food down the garbage disposal. I always taste a bit, so I can tell him that “I had a little of this to eat.” (I know this is a lie…splitting hairs)

Some days consists of coffee in the morning and water the rest of the day. Sometimes, a piece of bread or something sweet. I sleep through meal times and then say that I’m not hungry or don’t feel good. I am and have always have cut my food up, so people can’t really tell how much I’ve eaten.

I started to lie to my therapist by omission or giving vague answers…I think that I was getting away with something, but, if I thought about it, I would realize that I was only fooling myself. I become extremely anxious when mealtimes come and I really become focused on everything I eat or drink. Along with it, I become preoccupied with my body by weighing myself almost every day or several times a day.

I constantly look in the mirror and see myself as grossly overweight. I am literally not sure what I really look like and haven’t in years. I’ve need my husband to point out women that look like me or if they seem to look heavier or thinner (usually it is heavier). Estimating calories for the day is a way of life. Food is categorized into good and bad food. Along with that is this thing of if I have a bad food I can’t have two meals or snacks or something.

Continues Tomorrow: "Progress and Hope"

My Eating Disorder (Part I of III): The Beginning

I want to write this post and I don’t…boy is that ambivalent. I guess that is a good way to start. One of the most difficult issues with having a Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is ambivalence. Webster’s defines ambivalence as “simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings (as attraction and repulsion) toward an object, person, or action” and or “continual fluctuation (as between one thing and its opposite).”

It is difficult to tolerate feeling both seemingly opposite feelings at the same time which leads to the “all or nothing” and “good or bad” splits. There are no gray areas. (By the way, everyone does this to some degree.) The book entitled, “I Hate You-Don’t Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality by Jerold J. Kreisman,” is a good introductory book to read to gain a better understanding of this issue and the Borderline Personality Disorder.

Two weeks ago, I wrote quite personally about my eating disorder which I want to elaborate on further which is also why I explained ambivalence. For me, it is all or nothing. I either want to die slowly or I want to nurture and take care of myself. I either have complete control of my eating and weight or I am absolutely out of control. I want to live and I want to die. I want help and I want to push everyone away. I want to be taken care of or I want to be independent and need no one. I’m good or bad. I am all feeling or don’t allow myself to feel at all.

Oh, and the list could go on and applies to many other types of mental health issues and addictions. My thought process and behavior become consumed by my eating disorder. It is self-destructive, self-harming, suicidal and an expression of self-hatred like other addictions as well. It is also a defense mechanism which I use to prevent myself with dealing with what is currently going on or avoiding a topic or issue. Like all addictions there is a of addiction, which I referred to in previous posts and always hides the “real issues and problems.” I’m reading what I already wrote and if anyone has guessed it…I use my cognitive skills to avoid real issues. However, what I have written is important.

Since, I wrote my eating disorders series, I decided to talk about what is currently going on and to be more honest in therapy. You’d think that going on nineteen years with the same therapist, I’d have covered this…well, no I haven’t because part of an eating disorder is about control. And, damn it I was going to have control by omitting details of my eating disorder including allowing my therapist to think my psychiatrist was addressing it and vice versa. It was just last week that I said something and asked for help and am open to receiving it and initiating changes. (Like, my therapist didn’t know…duh)

Continued tomorrow..."The Ugly Details"