I'm back...sort of!!

Thank you for all the support, prayers well wishes and cards. I am really glad that I hospitalized myself and stayed as long as I did. (43 days) I'm still getting used to real life. However, I feel better that I have in a long time, more grounded, confident and assertive. I now have bronchitis and am supposed to rest and drink plenty of fluids. I'll start posting again and visiting blogs as I am up to it. Again thanks for the overwhelming support.

I'm Going to the Hospital, Again!!!

There has been a lot of events in my life since the end of last year and I know many of you know it, but for those who don't quick summary :

October 2008 ~ mass removed, possible cancer, benign.

Thanksgiving/Christmas ~ family stress/with just the holidays as usual, but with triggers this time and begin to decompensate.

Jan/Feb 2008 ~ 24 day psychiatric hospitalization

March 2008 ~ not unpacked from hospitalization yet and am hospitalized 7 days for very serious pneumonia

March 2008 ~ day after I'm discharged from the hospital my father-in-law is diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, hospice in place, given one week to six months.

April 2008 ~ father-in-law not doing well has hospice nurse in home. He passes away on 4/26/09
Funeral Service ~ May 1st
Burial Service ~ May 9th

I am still recovering from pneumonia. This means I take medication that has caused me to gain 30 pounds as it increases your appetite, and retains water and salt. I am unable to fit in most of my clothing. Embarrassing moments ~ need to wear husband’s underwear as none of mine fit!!! Have tremors, mood swings, and skin growths just to name a few. But, it was either that or die.

I feel like I’ve been just barely holding it together and just need a safe place to “fall apart” and process some of what has happened. Due to the rapid nature of the events, I feel like too much happened for me to be able to recover from one event to the next. I’m feeling really overwhelmed.

I feel like I've been rapidly having more difficulties with depression, focusing, making decisions, fragmenting, ridged thinking to no thinking, staying present, feeling disconnected and on the verge of disorganizing. So, my therapist brought up hospitalization as an option.

Think, think, think….I obtained advise from my psychiatrist and the psychologist that I had during my last hospitalization. They were of no help!!! My therapist laughed because everyone was saying that it is up to me that I know myself the best and can make this decision. Sigh!!!

This week, I decided that I needed hospitalization. It was a tough decision because of my concern for my husband, who is very supportive. Also, I don’t really want another hospitalization. However, suicidal thoughts and self-harm urges are getting stronger and more consistent, so I know I’m headed for trouble. But, I am not there yet.

So, on Monday, I will have an intake/assessment for admission if I meet the criteria which I am sure that I will. Bottom line is that if you hear from me, I wasn’t hospitalized. If you don’t hear from me assume that I was admitted.

Playing Tetris May Prevent Posttraumatic Stress Disorder

I am absolutely fascinated by this research and wondering where it might take treatment and prevention of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder!!! The following is an excerpt from the BBC News:

Treatment Hope

Dr Emily Holmes said it might produce a "viable approach" to PTSD treatment, although she acknowledged that a lot needed to be done to translate the experiment into something that could be used to help real patients.

She said: "We wanted to find a way to dampen down flashbacks - the raw sensory images of trauma that are over-represented in the memories of those with PTSD.

"Tetris may work by competing for the brain's resources for sensory information.

"We suggest it specifically interferes with the way sensory memories are laid down in the period after trauma and thus reduces the number of flashbacks that are experienced afterwards."

She stressed that no conclusions could be drawn on the general effects of computer gaming on memory.

Dr Holmes added: "We are not saying that people with PTSD should play Tetris but we do think it is hugely valuable to understand how the brain works and how it produces intrusive flashback memories.

"Because we cannot study the genesis of real flashback memories during real trauma we need to find other approaches and this sort of cognitive science can give us models to help us better understand emotional memory."

Professor David Alexander from the Aberdeen Centre for Trauma Research stressed it was ethically impossible to simulate an event so catastrophic as the type of incident which can lead to post-traumatic stress disorder.

"The volunteers here knew that something was going to happen, but they were not going to be harmed - a genuinely traumatic incident is different in scale, and is usually completely unexpected and marked by feelings of loss of control."

He said that post-traumatic stress was normally detected and diagnosed only weeks after the event, rather than in the hours immediately afterwards, and it was very difficult to predict which people were likely to develop it.

I admit, I became obsessed with the game!!! I could play it for hours on end until my fingers and hands could not take it anymore. Amazing what a handheld electronic game inspired researchers to try. Yes, there are problems with translating it into treatment, but I gives hope to those with PTSD or those who are tramatized.

Posttraumatic Stress Disorder Myths & Facts

The following are myths taken from PsychCentral,

Myth: PTSD is only seen in people with “weak characters” who are unable to cope with difficult situations in the same way that most of us do.

Fact: PTSD is a human response to markedly abnormal situations, and it involves specific chemical changes in the brain that occur in response to a person experiencing a traumatic event. Many of the symptoms of PTSD seem to be a direct result of such brain changes.

Myth: All of us have been through frightening experiences and have at least one symptom of PTSD as a result of that experience.

Fact: Although memories of frightening experiences may be similar to symptoms of PTSD (e.g., vivid memories), most persons do not have the severity of symptoms or impairment associated with PTSD. The specific brain-based responses seen in PTSD differ from those seen in normal anxiety. Similarly, the experiences of normal anxiety and of PTSD are markedly different.

Myth: Stress reactions to trauma exist, but these should not be considered as a serious medical problem.

Fact: PTSD is a medical disorder that can sometimes cause serious disability. Persons with PTSD often also have co-occurring mood, anxiety, and substance-related disorders. In addition, these people may have significant difficulty at their job, in their personal relationships, or other social interactions.

The National Institute for Mental Health reports, co-occurring depression, alcohol or other substance abuse, or another anxiety disorder are not uncommon. The likelihood of treatment success is increased when these other conditions are appropriately identified and treated as well. Headaches, gastrointestinal complaints immune system problems, dizziness, chest pain, or discomfort in other parts of the body are common. Often, doctors treat the symptoms without being aware that they stem from PTSD. Tomorrow, Tetris for treatment?

To obtain much more complete information you can go to one of the following links:
http://www.medicinenet.com/posttraumatic_stress_disorder/article.htm
http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/go/ptsd
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/index.shtml
http://www.ncptsd.va.gov/ncmain/index.jsp

What is Posttraumatic Stress Disorder?

The following is from the National Institute for Mental Health:

What is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder?Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, is an anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which grave physical harm occurred or was threatened. Traumatic events that may trigger PTSD include violent personal assaults, natural or human-caused disasters, accidents, or military combat.

Signs & Symptoms
People with PTSD have persistent frightening thoughts and memories of their ordeal and feel emotionally numb, especially with people they were once close to. They may experience sleep problems, feel detached or numb, or be easily startled.

Treatment
Effective treatments for post-traumatic stress disorder are available, and research is yielding new, improved therapies that can help most people with PTSD and other anxiety disorders lead productive, fulfilling lives.

309.81 DSM-IV Criteria for Posttraumatic Stress Disorder

A. The person has been exposed to a traumatic event in which both of the following have been present:

(1) the person experienced, witnessed, or was confronted with an event or events that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of self or others (2) the person’s response involved intense fear, helplessness, or horror. Note: In children, this may be expressed instead by disorganized or agitated behavior.

B. The traumatic event is persistently reexperienced in one (or more) of the following ways:

(1) recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections of the event, including images, thoughts, or perceptions. Note: In young children, repetitive play may occur in which themes or aspects of the trauma are expressed.
(2) recurrent distressing dreams of the event. Note: In children, there may be frightening dreams without recognizable content.
(3) acting or feeling as if the traumatic event were recurring (includes a sense of reliving the experience, illusions, hallucinations, and dissociative flashback episodes, including those that occur upon awakening or when intoxicated). Note: In young children, trauma-specific reenactment may occur.
(4) intense psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event.
(5) physiological reactivity on exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event.

C. Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma and numbing of general responsiveness (not present before the trauma), as indicated by three (or more) of the following:

(1) efforts to avoid thoughts, feelings, or conversations associated with the trauma
(2) efforts to avoid activities, places, or people that arouse recollections of the trauma
(3) inability to recall an important aspect of the trauma
(4) markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities
(5) feeling of detachment or estrangement from others
(6) restricted range of affect (e.g., unable to have loving feelings)
(7) sense of a foreshortened future (e.g., does not expect to have a career, marriage, children, or a normal life span)

D. Persistent symptoms of increased arousal (not present before the trauma), as indicated by two (or more) of the following:

(1) difficulty falling or staying asleep
(2) irritability or outbursts of anger
(3) difficulty concentrating
(4) hypervigilance
(5) exaggerated startle response

E. Duration of the disturbance (symptoms in Criteria B, C, and D) is more than one month.

F. The disturbance causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

Tomorrow, Posttraumatic Stress Disorder Myths and Facts.

National Anxiety and Depression Awareness Week ~ PTSD

TRIGGER WARNING ~ VIDEO IS GRAPHIC!!!

Posttraumatic Stress Disorder can lead to suicide as people with the disorder become desperate to end the flashbacks and nightmares of the trauma that they endured this includes war veterans and others. Approximately, 5.2 million adult Americans attempt suicide.

According to Psychiatric Times, Lieutenant General Peake testified that the number of suicide attempts by all veterans under treatment by the VA actually could be more than the 1000 per month. According to Wrong Diagnosis, approximately 20.2 of every 100,000 soldiers killed themselves, compared with the 2006 civilian rate of 19.2.

About.com, reports that those with PTSD rates of suicide attempts increased considerably among people who had experienced multiple incidents of sexual (42.9%) or physical assault (73.5%). They also found that a history of sexual molestation, physical abuse as a child, and neglect as a child were associated with high rates of suicide attempts (17.4% to 23.9%). 5.2 million adult Americans (NIMH); 3.6% adults (NIMH); about 30% of war veterans.

This National Anxiety and Depression Awareness Week, so I thought that I would address one of the most misunderstood diagnosis, Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, I have this disorder due the abuse I experienced in childhood. It became debilitating for me, but I hid it for a very long time. Treatment is available and those with the disorder can lead fulfilling lives. Depression was previously covered in another post.

Freedom From Fear states, “Each year more than 17 million Americans will suffer with an anxiety disorder. More than 19 million will also suffer from some type of depressive illness. The cost to the economy of these terrible diseases is billions of dollars each year; the cost in human suffering is immeasurable.

Despite all of advancements and opportunities for safe treatment, the majority of folks who suffer with anxiety and depressive illnesses do not seek treatment, drop out of treatment too quickly, are non-compliant to treatment or receive treatments that are not the most effective. Some of the reasons this occurs are the terrible stigma surrounding mental illnesses, lack of resources available to those in need (adequate insurance, community resources, knowledge of where to go for treatment, not enough treatment providers, etc) public's lack of understanding the signs and symptoms of theses illnesses.

Clinicians recognize about 12 relatively distinct subtypes of anxiety disorder: Panic Disorder, with and without Agoraphobia; Agoraphobia Without a History of Panic Disorder; Specific Phobia; Social Phobia; Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder; Post-traumatic Stress Disorder; Acute Stress Disorder; Generalized Anxiety Disorder; Anxiety Disorder Due to a General Medical Condition; Substance-Induced Anxiety Disorder; and Anxiety Disorder Not Otherwise Specified.

The prevalence of these disorders is startling. At sometime during their lives, nearly a quarter (24.9%) of the adult population in the United States will have an anxiety disorder. Only substance-related disorders are more common (26.6%).” We all have stressful events in our lives,but its what we make of them that defines our character. This not a simple stressful event. It is a trauma outside the range of “normal” personal experiences where you believe that your life or someone else’s is in danger.

What is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder?
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, is an anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which grave physical harm occurred or was threatened. Traumatic events that may trigger PTSD include violent personal assaults, natural or human-caused disasters, accidents, or military combat. Tomorrow I will cover the DSM-IV-TR Criteria for Posttraumatic Stress Disorder .

Posttraumatic Stress Disorder has been around as long as there has been wars, torture, abuse, divorce, accidents, deaths or any type of trauma, but never had a name. People probably ignored it, had “nervous breakdowns,” combat stress, shell shock, became delusional or psychotic, became addicted (alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling-yes, those are verified addictions) or committed suicide.

It is not a medical bandwagon and not an excuse. It is not readily diagnosed because there has to be a triggering event. It is a real disease that significantly disrupts a persons life. When I started to have memories of my abuse, I eventually was no longer able to work. I wanted to continue; however, my symptoms became such that I was either going to be hospitalized or stop working. I miss working, but know I cannot which is a tough thing for me to swallow.

My symptoms include intrusive flashbacks of my abuse (auditory, olafactory, seeing, physically feeling and re-experiencing my abuse), disrupted sleep, dissociation (not completely in reality, but in a fog state), extreme hypervigilance, exaggerated startle response, panic attacks, feeling overwhelmed ALL the time and avoidance of anything associated with my abuse (crowds, loud noises, odors, yelling, loud voices, knives, tools, belts, the color pink, I could write a whole page, but I won’t). I don’t have control of when the flashbacks occur and they significantly interfere with my daily life. It is treatable usually with psychotherapy and medications which I am doing. There is also another form of treatment called EMDR, Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing which as been quite successful for some.

Are we better off not knowing about PTSD? Is it possible for the brain to recover totally? Or do you just have to learn to live with it? No, we are not better off not knowing because it occurs in our brain anyway. No, would you want to live with those symptoms because they are there whether or not you have a name for it. Having a name helps people learn to cope with it and not think that they are “crazy.” There are actually neurological changes in the pathways that react to stress that become automatic. Those cannot be changed without intervention. The pathway does not ever go away. However, the brain can learn new pathways, but it is very difficult…take it from someone who knows.

The flashbacks at this intensity and reactivity with treatment can get to the point where there a less severe or no symptoms or flashbacks that are easily handled or do not have an intensity about them. The brain will still go there or it may not, but it just maybe a nuisance or the new pathway can easily take over. Or you may just need to tell yourself, “okay, I’m not in that situation…I can handle this…I am not going to die/get hurt.” Then, deal with the situation in a more “normal.” manner. It has taken much therapy and medications to try to learn how to cope and learn new ways of managing my life. Tomorrow, I will cover the DSM-IV-TR Criteria for Posttraumatic Stress Disorder.

To obtain much more complete information you can go to one of the following links:

http://www.medicinenet.com/posttraumatic_stress_disorder/article.htm
http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/go/ptsd
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/index.shtml
http://www.ncptsd.va.gov/ncmain/index.jsp

Tribute to my Father-in-Law

A Life That Touched Others is Gone

Yesterday (Sunday), at around 4 am, my husband and I received a call from his family to let us know that my husband's father had passed away. When the telephone rang, I did not want anyone to answer because I was pretty sure at 4 am what the call would be. Sadly, I was right my husband's father had passed away quietly, painlessly in his sleep. I think that would be the best way to go and am comforted by this.

I've been thinking about his life and the relatively short time that I knew him out of his 89 years. He had a tough life, yet was not bitter. He worked hard as a gardener without finishing or evening having any former schooling. At one time, he owned two homes. One rental home was his retirement fund. Smart man! All of his children, were able to go to college.

Besides the more "material" things. I loved him and am thankful that he gave me such a wonderful husband who is much like his father. Everytime, he saw me he would have this wonderful smile on his face. He was smart, observant, funny, giving, fair, honest and had integrity.

Not having much money, my husband tells stories of how he became a collector and "creative." Such was the time he built a dining room table out of material he either had, found or purchased at yard sales (a favorite hobby). He made a table with that was sturdy and functional, but had four different legs!! I always thought of his home as Sanford and Son meets Gillian's Island.

I think that he knew I was "the one" for my husband. He loved baseball; however, during one of my early visits, he changed his routine. He usually would just watch it in the other room while everyone else sat around the dining room table and talked. Well, for me he would turn it off and sit with everyone. The first time this occurred, my husband said, "my Dad likes you." Score!!! I remember how handsome and proud he looked on the day we were married and him lighting the candles. Sorry, it one candle was stubborn.

Right now, all I can do is think of his smile that I will miss so much. I am sad that he is gone and miss him very much.

Another Hospitalization?

There has been a lot of stress in my life since the end of last year and I know many of you know it, but for those who don't quick summary :

October 2008 ~ mass removed, possible cancer, benign.

Thanksgiving/Christamas ~ family stress/with just the holidays as usual, but with triggers this time and begin to decompensate.

Jan/Feb 2008 ~ 24 day psychiatric hospitalization

March 2008 ~ not unpacked from hosp yet and have 7 day hosp for very serious pneumonia

March 2008 ~ day after I'm discharged from the hospital my father-in-law is diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, hospice in place, given one week to six months.

April 2008 ~ father-in-law not doing well, as of Thursday has 24 hour awake hospice nurse in home.

I feel like I've been rapidly having more difficulties with depression, focusing, making decisions, fragmenting, ridged thinking to no thinking, staying present, feeling disconnected and on the verge of disorganizing.

On Friday, my therapist brought up the idea of hospitalization as is increasingly difficult to find and use my coping skills. However, I am trying to keep it together for my husband as I think his father is going to decline much more rapidly than expected and I want to be there for him.

Also, the hospital that I would go to is no longer a preferred provided as of 4/1/09. The copay is 40% and I really can't go anywhere else. I'm just so confused and don't know what I need or what to do. Maybe, I just needed to say that. Thanks for listening.

Still Learning to "BE" ~ Healing Journey

Still Learning to "BE" ~ Healing Journey

Accepting how scared and angry,
I was at being in the hospital for pneumonia
Is something I could not face.

Flashbacks and nightmares increasing
as the month went by all because

feeling out of control and helpless
it was something I could not embrace.

I’ve already talked enough about it,
the details and even wrote a letter.
But, I continued not to feel emotionally any better.

I lived in fantasy world with everything
twisted, just to survive.
Now, to live there continues to deprive.

This I learned to slowly die as my way of being
To “be” is what I need to do and
fight back the lies I’m slowly seeing.

The lies that tell me “Don’t talk,“
“I’m okay,” “I don’t need anyone” and “I’ll be just fine.”
The constant banter in my head is not benign.

Those and other lies lead to
self-injury and other self-destructive ways
For this therapy sometimes feels like a maze.

Therapy has saved and opened my life to who I really am
Someone that deserved much more than I received
And, too often instead I was betrayed and deceived.

Now, into the Father’s arms I securely belong
In Him and others, I finally find security and comfort
But, learning to do that for myself takes much effort.

Emptiness I Can't Avoid Anymore

Fragmenting, tearful, agitated, defending with everything I have...all to avoid an emptiness that I thought I could hide away forever.

But, it is here...emptiness that hurts all the way to the deepest depths of my soul. A pain that has always been there, but the goal was to hide it away from even me.

But, it is here...emptiness that makes me nauseated, that hurts from the hair on my head to the tips of my toes.

Emptiness that can't be consoled, and that should have been filled by her (but, she didn't). Which I turned into deep self-hatred because I thought it was my fault.

Both emptiness and self-hatred make me want to just go away and not come back...too much pain and too many tears.

Meditate and Teach Your Brain Compassion!

Would you like to be more compassionate, empathic, or kind?

Well, scientific researchers are discovering that compassion or kindness meditation practiced by Tibetan Buddhist monks can alter peoples responses to be more compassionate. They measured participants brain activity using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI).

Brain Blogger: Topics from Multidimensional BioPsychoSocial Perspectives had an article entitled, “Meditate to Learn Compassion” by Jennifer Gibson, PharmD. The following is an excerpt from the article

"The researchers concluded that the brain can, therefore, be trained to exhibit more powerful responses to empathy. People can learn to regulate thoughts and emotions and promote happiness and compassion through practicing compassion meditation regularly. Techniques for compassion meditation include concentration exercises that train attention, behavioral training such as practicing generosity, and cognitive strategies of self-reflection and visualizing the suffering of others. The long-term goal for practitioners of compassion meditation is to decrease egocentric traits, allowing altruistic behaviors to arise more frequently.

Scientists hope that these techniques may be useful for teaching compassion to children and adolescents and decreasing bullying and violence, as well as helping people prone to depression learn compassion for themselves. The researchers are planning a study to examine brain changes over a longer period of time of people who practice compassion meditation.

Meditation practices impact physiological pathways that regulate stress and disease-causing processes. Much attention is focused on meditation to improve attention, develop mindfulness, and calm the mind. However, there is now evidence that physiological processes are activated in meditation focused on cultivating compassion. An additional study found that engaging in compassion meditation might reduce stress-induced immune and behavioral responses."

For more information on what compassion meditation is go to the following links: Healing with Awareness and Science Daily.

The research is at the beginning stages and previous research has shown that any type of meditation or prayer has a positive effect on the brain, but they had not previously studied this area. To me, it has fascinating implications.

More empathy, compassion and kindness would sure make the global garden beautiful with vibrant, healthy, colorful flowers.

He Is Risen So We May Have Life!!!!!!

Good Friday, a day late!!!

Pushed Myself Way Too Much Yesterday!!!

7 Keys to make all your Relationships Richer & more Fulfiling!

Since I've been convalescing, I haven't had the energy to do much writing. This finally gave me the opportunity to share my friend, Arvind Devalia's 7 Keys to make all your Relationships Richer & more Fulfiling! I've provided an excerpt of the article. I've been wanting to share this with you.

Arvind's excellent blog is Make Things Happen: For Yourself and the World. Please go take a look at his blog...it will be worth it.

In the "About Arvind" section it states,

"Arvind brings his infectious passion for life and warmth for people to all his business and personal activities. His motto and message to everyone is “make things happen”.

Having just published his latest book “Personal Social Responsibility” (Sep 2008), Arvind is working with independent professionals, organisations and non-profits to bring a greater sense of ethics and Corporate Social Responsibility into the business world.

He is now also becoming established as a professional speaker and speaks passionately about how individuals and businesses can get what they want from life and at the same make a huge difference in the world.

He actively supports various social enterprises and charities – he has been involved with the Nirvana School in Pondicherry, south India for over 10 years now. "

"I delivered another public talk last week and it felt great to be amongst a group of motivated people making time in their busy lives for personal development. The theme was how to improve all your relationships and make them richer and more fulfilling.

It always amazes me how such evenings take their own shape despite detailed planning – it is almost as if destiny plays a part! As usual I feel that I was the one who learnt more from the evening.

I outlined my 3 Keys to GREAT relationships:-

1. Contribution
2. Connection
3. Completion

A key point that we discussed was how the ONLY thing you can ever give anyone else is your love and ACCEPTANCE.

It is incredible that human beings still believe that they can make someone else love them!

To end my talk, I summarised the key relationship learnings as below as a form of positive affirmations:-

1. I accept people totally and completely as they are and I allow others to be as they are. I know that they are perfect teachers for my journey of acceptance and understanding.

2. I look for opportunities to connect with, contribute and make a difference to another person at least once a day. This is what leads to true connection and fulfilment.

3. I am deeply grateful for all the people in my life who make my life so easy and rich. I show my appreciation at every possible opportunity.

4. I take nothing personally and accept that everyone is on their own journey of growth and learning. I forgive and let of any past grievances.

5. I look for the love and goodness in others for love is all that matters.

6. I bring more joy, happiness and love in my life and other people’s lives.

7. I will practice appreciation & gratitude daily and I promise to learn and improve my gratitude dance!!!

So there you are - go forth and apply these 7 keys in all your relationships and see how your life and your world is transformed. "

Remember to go and take a look at Arvind Devalia's blog Make Things Happen: For Yourself and the World. It will inspire your day !!! (Thanks for letting me steal this from you...it is a gem as you are!)

"Everyday" ~ Hillsongs ~ Worship in Song!!