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Disclaimer: Although I have worked with persons with mental illness for twenty years, I do not have a Master's Degree or a license. This is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care or treatment. Please obtain professional assistance from the resources listed on the right of the page, if needed. And call 911 if you or someone is in immediate danger.
A key word that you will see:
Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
- My husband and my marriage (fourteen years next year!)
- My therapist (we've hit the ninth year together!)
- My pastor (I've know him since 1982!)
- Church family
- Pat & Ann
- Internet friends especially Amy, Jim, Mark, Mike and Sandy
- Excellent physicians
- Friends that I have met through work and have maintained
- Making a difference in other peoples lives
- Those that have made a difference in my life
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
If you have been following my blog, you will know that music is a big part of my life. Music was a factor is helping me to survive my abusive childhood. I could lose myself in the music and become obsessive about all the trivia. This is a tribute to all types of music including Christian music:
Monday, November 22, 2010
Currently, in therapy, I've been having my ups and downs with feeling hopeless which is actually a defense against just being myself. The first song, by the Gay Men's Chorus of Los Angeles is about showing your "true colors" or just being yourself to others. This is so difficult to do as I've learned to really hide myself from others and myself. The second song, by Broadway singers, is an upbeat song about it getting better. I am grateful as I know that hopeful place now. I'm not sure if I would have believed it growing up.
Show your "True Colors" and remember that it really does "Get Better"
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
This felt very good to recieve as my last award was in one in 2009 and one in 2008.
I also have the honor of being invited to post at Mike Golch's two blogs, Golch Central's Rambling Stuff and Mike's Place. I am having a great time.
All three of these are excellent blogs with a variety of topics, so please go visit them.
Thank you for the honor of the award and for the honor of writing for another blog!!
Monday, November 15, 2010
1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
2. Patterns of relationships that are intense and unstable; repeated tendencies to shift between extremes of loving and hating another person. This is referred to as splitting, people with BPD have difficulty experiencing two feeling states at one time. An example would be that some is all bad and ungiving versus all good and idealized. It may happen without any provocation or even any interaction.
I've seen this happen over the years with different family members and not to an extreme sense with her partner. It has also been demonstrated in her work in the medical field.
4. Impulsive, often reckless, self-harming behaviors in areas such as substance abuse, binge eating, overspending, promiscuous sex, reckless driving, shoplifting, etc. All of these are addictive behaviors and temporarily fill the emptiness. There is a very high connection between BPD and substance abuse.
Denial can be quite powerful as I completely thought of her behavior as normal and not problematic in this area. I believe that she eats emotionally. She has always spent beyond her means and has had serious consequences as a result. She definitely has had problems with road rage to a point that she really scares me. Also, all the family tells of the incident where she became so enraged with her brother that she threw a knife at him intending to kill him...denial what a concept.
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior. The suicide rate is high for this disorder at 8%-10% of those diagnosed with BPD. People with BPD have many, many, many periods of overwhelming uncontrollable emotional pain. Self-mutilation is a coping mechanism used to release or manage these emotions. Usually they are feelings of shame, anger, sadness and abandonment. Self-mutilation may release the body’s own opiates, known as beta-endorphins. These chemicals lead to a general feeling of well being. Self-mutilation may include, but is not limited to cutting, burning, breaking bones, head banging, needle poking, skin scratching, pulling out hairs, and ripping off scabs – all without suicidal intent.
To my knowledge this does not seem to fit her, but I don't know her as well as I thought.
6. Frequent mood swings and intense emotional reactions, irritability or anxiety of changing duration – anywhere from a few hours to a few days. A Dr. Jekyll-Mr. Hyde situation with switching from happy and loving to furious, fearful, or depressed within hours or less. Often, the person himself doesn’t remember–or claims not to remember-what was said or done during this state. When most people feel bad, they can take steps to feel better. They can also control, to some extent, how much their moods affect their relationships with others. People with BPD have difficulty doing this.
7. Ongoing or frequent feelings of being hollow, empty or fake; chronic feelings of emptiness. People with BPD commonly report a deep sense of boredom or a profound emptiness, which is why they may turn to drugs or alcohol, become obsessed with money and possession, or harm themselves. Lacking a strong core, a sense of self they can trust, they feel out of control and dependent upon others, forever victimized. Despite their sometimes larger than life, hard to ignore exterior, those with BPD are sometimes described by loved ones and clinicians as seeming hollow and as putting up a façade.
I think that she fills herself with her relationship with her partner who basically gives her a role to play, just as she did with my mother and myself.
I think that some of things that I've already mentioned fit this criteria. Additionally, at work, they know her as very sweet, a hard worker, patient with others and gets along well. However, the whole family speaks of her TEMPER and she is extremely sarcastic!!!
I generally think that she mistrusts others and is protective of herself mostly when not necessary.
In general, ironically, I am disconnecting and becoming numb writing this. It is painful to realize that she really has pushed me out of her life and that her above behavior is actually problematic and that she doesn't even realize it. Her partner reinforces this by not seeing my aunt as having problems...it is always someone else's responsibility or that it is just circumstances.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Well, I'm still not quite up to posting my more emotional stuff and feel like I need a little fun this week...Can you see a theme? :-)