I haven't wanted to write, but....

For the last few months, I haven't wanted to write because I haven't been in a good place.  So, I took care of myself and was on Pinterest most of the time and having a blast.  Pinterest has been a good outlet and I have tons of stuff on my Boards.  Now, I think I can share what has been going on with me.

Basically, I started to have difficulty just staying present and I was fragmenting all the time since I decided not to have any contact with my mother.  It also impacted my getting better from my eating disorder and I was just emotionally overwhelmed.  Sorry, but I wasn't even reading blog. I have some catch up to do, but I may not be able to get to everyone.  I'm afraid to see what I have in my following posts...yikes!!

Even though, most have been asking, "why do you stay in contact with her," I continued to hope that she would change and be different with me.  With my hope and expectation, I seem to continue to get hurt and have difficulties whenever I have contact with me...not that she has contacted me.  My therapist explained that she thinks that she believes that I should be the one contacting her.

One of many, many, many examples of her being toxic is that she does not respect my boundaries or want to hear what is going on in my life. One of the last holiday get togethers, She kept poking by buttocks and my breast, so I told her to stop.  But, she continued, so I moved her had away from me and she continued.  So, I finally curled up with my husband who was able to mostly deflect her movement toward me.  

During the same visit, when I arrived she immediately began telling me about her problems.  I told her that I wanted to get settled some and then I would talk with her and she became angry.  I hadn't even taken my coat or gloves off.  Sheesh.  

Again in the same visit, I made a one sentence mention that we had a tax deduction for health for _____ for last year.  It was an extremely significant amount.  She said, "oh," and then started to tell me about her problems.

I get angry and hurt and am all emotional for the next two weeks after contact with her.  If I don't do what she wants...mirroring and my complete attention, she becomes angry at me. Then, I become angry with her.  If I do give her attention, I become angry because she doesn't respect my emotional or physical boundaries.

Realizing this and needing to finally come to a conclusion as to what I want my relationship to be, I decided that she was toxic for me and that I did not want contact with her. My birthday came and went without contact with no contact with her or my aunt, who is not speaking or contacting me in any way.  My aunt is a who different story, but her partner basically set this up and told me not to contact her in any way. I wrote about this, I believe it was the end of 2010.

I digress as a way to keep the focus away from my mother.  Emotionally, this has been quite intense and draining, so I needed a little break...more to come.  I am back.  Thanks for being patient.

Denial

As I mentioned on Monday, I've been having a difficult time since my birthday in August.  In addition to my aunt not acknowledging my birthday in any way shape or form, neither did my mother.  I know that this isn't true, but both doing this resulted in my feeling like I don't exist or that something is wrong with me.  This is also part of having a Borderline Personality Disorder.  Those with BPD look for others to validate their existence, obtain self worth and use others as a mirror to tell them who they are.  This occurs because those factors that form a stable identity were not provided by the primary caretaker, usually the mother.

Yes, indeed these thoughts and feelings are still a struggle.  Additionally, it has been about a year since I wrote my letter to my mother.  She has not responded to me either which makes me realize that she really can't deal with reality and, as others have put it, doesn't have a maternal instinct.  It is like the letter didn't exist once again ignoring my needs and problems.  I do realize that she really cannot manage this, but it still stirs up lots of feelings and thoughts.

Sorry, to be so vague, but what I'm dealing with is difficult to go through and tough to write and talk about. 

Trying to be Real...again

Well, for over a month, I kept writing that I wasn't up to writing about what has been going on for me as it has been a very difficult time which basically started on my birthday which was in August.  Much of it has to do with my mother and my aunt not acknowledging my birthday in any way shape or form.  (click link for information regarding my situation with my aunt: http://clinicallyclueless.blogspot.com/search/label/Family%20Drama; situation with my mother: http://clinicallyclueless.blogspot.com/search/label/letter%20to%20mom.)

Part of my difficulty is with my aunt not responding is that she was emotionally my mother growing up. But, in looking at her behavior and reactions over the past years, I have realized that she too has a Borderline Personality Disorder. My therapist and I have been working on my feelings of abandonment, disappointment, reality versus fantasy, grief, anger...etc.  It has been really hard work.

When I first had the thought that my aunt may have a Borderline Personality Disorder, I was immediately able to go through the criteria in my head and confirm my thoughts. I actually felt sick and quite disheartened, but it made everything make sense.  But, I wanted to scream, "NO!!"

I want to again review the DSM criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder and how my aunt meets the criteria. (I've already written about how my mother and I fit it...sigh)

According to the DSM the criteria to meet borderline personality disorder the five of the following features must be present:

 
1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

7. chronic feelings of emptiness

8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

1. Frantic attempts to prevent feelings of actual or preceived abandonment or rejection. People with BPD rely on others for their feelings of worth and emotional caretaking. The fearfulness can be so strong that they often act in ways that bring about the abandonment and rejection they are trying to avoid (and which therefore validates and reinforces their fears). They panic and may have burst of rage or beg the person to stay.

My aunt has definitely developed this type of relationship with her partner, but I won't share details.  There are many instances.

2. Patterns of relationships that are intense and unstable; repeated tendencies to shift between extremes of loving and hating another person. This is referred to as splitting, people with BPD have difficulty experiencing two feeling states at one time. An example would be that some is all bad and ungiving versus all good and idealized. It may happen without any provocation or even any interaction.

Recently, due to my interactions with my aunt and my pushing her away in the process I've become "all bad" to her.  Additionally, I am trying not to believe that she pushed me out of her life for fifteen years...somehow, I denied that it was ever important.  Reality sucks!! And is painful.

3. Difficulty describing the self, interests, or aspirations; frequent shifts in self-perception. Depending on who they are with, they may change their opinion, thoughts and even values to please the other person. There is a chronic feeling of emptiness. Roles played could be the over-achiever, the victim, the helper or caretaker. They need someone else to tell them who they are.

I've seen this happen over the years with different family members and not to an extreme sense with her partner.  It has also been demonstrated in her work in the medical field.

4. Impulsive, often reckless, self-harming behaviors in areas such as substance abuse, binge eating, overspending, promiscuous sex, reckless driving, shoplifting, etc. All of these are addictive behaviors and temporarily fill the emptiness. There is a very high connection between BPD and substance abuse.

Denial can be quite powerful as I completely thought of her behavior as normal and not problematic in this area.  I believe that she eats emotionally.  She has always spent beyond her means and has had serious consequences as a result. She definitely has had problems with road rage to a point that she really scares me. Also, all the family tells of the incident where she became so enraged with her brother that she threw a knife at him intending to kill him...denial what a concept.

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior. The suicide rate is high for this disorder at 8%-10% of those diagnosed with BPD. People with BPD have many, many, many periods of overwhelming uncontrollable emotional pain. Self-mutilation is a coping mechanism used to release or manage these emotions. Usually they are feelings of shame, anger, sadness and abandonment. Self-mutilation may release the body’s own opiates, known as beta-endorphins. These chemicals lead to a general feeling of well being. Self-mutilation may include, but is not limited to cutting, burning, breaking bones, head banging, needle poking, skin scratching, pulling out hairs, and ripping off scabs – all without suicidal intent.

To my knowledge this does not seem to fit her, but I don't know her as well as I thought.

6. Frequent mood swings and intense emotional reactions, irritability or anxiety of changing duration – anywhere from a few hours to a few days. A Dr. Jekyll-Mr. Hyde situation with switching from happy and loving to furious, fearful, or depressed within hours or less. Often, the person himself doesn’t remember–or claims not to remember-what was said or done during this state. When most people feel bad, they can take steps to feel better. They can also control, to some extent, how much their moods affect their relationships with others. People with BPD have difficulty doing this.

Let me just say that this fits her.

7. Ongoing or frequent feelings of being hollow, empty or fake; chronic feelings of emptiness. People with BPD commonly report a deep sense of boredom or a profound emptiness, which is why they may turn to drugs or alcohol, become obsessed with money and possession, or harm themselves. Lacking a strong core, a sense of self they can trust, they feel out of control and dependent upon others, forever victimized. Despite their sometimes larger than life, hard to ignore exterior, those with BPD are sometimes described by loved ones and clinicians as seeming hollow and as putting up a façade.

I think that she fills herself with her relationship with her partner who basically gives her a role to play, just as she did with my mother and myself.

 9. Brief extreme periods of mistrust, paranoia, of feelings of unreality (numbness, disconnection, dissociation).

8. Either underexpressed or overexpressed feelings of anger, seen in frequent displays of temper, rage, recurrent physical fights, or extreme sarcasm or withdrawl. Rages. Many adult children know them all too well, whether the trigger is a coat hung askew in the closet, a spilled drink, a loud TV, sickness, the suggestion that the person with BPD doesn’t remember something the way others do, or a request for divorce. Whether precipitated by something seemingly trivial or serious, the storm-not uncommonly comprised of verbal assaults or physical abuse-can subside just as quickly as it rolled in.

I think that some of things that I've already mentioned fit this criteria.  Additionally, at work, they know her as very sweet, a hard worker, patient with others and gets along well.  However, the whole family speaks of her TEMPER and she is extremely sarcastic!!!

I generally think that she mistrusts others and is protective of herself mostly when not necessary.

In general, ironically, I am disconnecting and becoming numb writing this.  It is painful to realize that she really has pushed me out of her life and that her above behavior is actually problematic and that she doesn't even realize it.  Her partner reinforces this by not seeing my aunt as having problems...it is always someone else's responsibility or that it is just circumstances. 

I also think that realizing that she is sick and that I know what it feels like to have BPD that it saddens me.  It also makes me realize that she has really made choices about me in her life.  I feel like I don't exist to her and in turn I have difficulty feeling like I exist.

Also, it brings up feelings about my relationship with my mother who chose my step-father over my well being and now my aunt is choosing her partner over me.  I also have to look at how my behavior has added to my aunt's reactions to me.  I am also quite angry about how her partner has "painted me as ALL bad," and that my aunt doesn't take into account what she really knows about me.  (Yes, I know what doing that is like; however, it is to keep things calm with her partner who also has a BPD)

Okay, there is some of what I have been and am trying to deal with...finally I've been able to put words to it and share it.

Band-Aids Will Not Help!!

I sure do wish that a Band-Aid would fix my ouch.  Remember, from my previous posts that there has been a cutting off of my relationship with Arleen and Judy, my aunt/mother and her partner. Judy doesn't want any contact with me.  Arleen wrote that we can only communicate via email and ecards. However, Judy screens all of these.

Well, yesterday was Arleen's birthday, so I sent her an ecard and a gift certificate via email.  Well, up to now, neither one has been opened.  Judy did the same to her ecards and gave her gift to Arleen.  I've been really angry and in a lot of pain due to this situation especially as Arleen, even though she is only 10 years older than I, was my mother figure growing up.

I am in quite a bit of pain.  I also talked with my therapist last night because I knew I was fragmenting.  Basically, Judy has a Borderline Personality Disorder and I have become the all bad object.  Basically, Arleen will listen and agree to whatever Judy will say.  Which, at times, is incorrect, blown out of porportion or quite slanted.

The most difficult thing with this is that I don't have any way of contacting Arleen directly especially since Judy screens everything and even answers her emails for her without her knowledge.  And, I cannot do anything about it.  My therapist and I agree that Judy is threatened by my connection with Arleen that she will never have due to my history with Arleen, so she cuts off my connection with her.  My mother has done the same with Arleen and I in the past.

I really can't do anything about it without making matters worse.  I am extremely angry, hurt, disappointed, depressed and sad.

Anger and Pain: Family distance!! ~ BPD in Action!!

If you remember, I stated somewhere that last week left me emotionally exhausted. I couldn't write about it then, but I'll try now. (Remember, I have a Borderline Personality Disorder)  Current, commentary in the emails are in purple brackets.  Let us start by identifying the key people.

Coleen:  Me

Adrian:  Husband

Arleen:  Aunt

Judy:     Arleen's partner
Grandmother:  Grandma; Masaye

Key definitions:

Fragmentation ~ the person is all emotion with no reality based thoughts; emotionally reactionary verses thoughtful and responsive; a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. [Judy and I are fragmenting during the following interaction and are all feeling and reactionary.  Judy is significantly fragmenting and demonstrating a Borderline Personality Disorder feature.  We all do this, but it is especially difficult for someone with BPD to manage.]

Mirroring ~ "copying" another persons affect or thoughts. Basically, demonstrating agreement with another, so that they feel like you think and feel the same thing. In infants and children, this is extremely important. When this phase does not take place, a person will try to do this with adult relationships. [This whole thing started by a simple interaction were I didn't have the same opinion as Judy. Look at links below for details. It may seem like it is my reaction to Arleen, but, in fact, I didn't not fulfill her infantile fantasy that someone will mirror me exactly the way I want them to. BPD characteristic.]

Alignment ~ attempts at having another person think and feel the same way. This is a part of infantile fantasy and mirroring. Infantile fantasy is that everyone and everything align or agrees with how you think and feel. [BPD attempt at getting what they didn't get when they were very young...for me as an infant.]

Splitting ~ black and white thinking; everything is all good or all bad; polarization of people, ideas, and things. All or nothing statements are symptoms of this. (always, never, every time, etc..) [Judy is splitting me.  Once, I was all good to her and could do nothing wrong, but now everything I say, do, or once said and did is view as that I am all bad. Tough BPD issue to manage.]

Projection ~ a person projects their own feelings, emotions or motivations onto another person without realizing that their reaction is really more about themselves rather than it is about the other person. [Judy is doing this in the interaction. This is especially characteristic of someone with BPD.]

Transference ~ is when an someone associates something that is said or done in a past experience and so relives the emotions of that past experience in the present. [Both of us are doing this in the interaction.]

Some background:  During last year, Arleen and Judy were extremely supportive of me after about 15 years of almost no communication.  Judy reports that my mother had told them that I was a very conservative Christian and felt that their marriage was an abomination.  She told me that they were uncomfortable with my being a Christian.  None of which is true.  I am actually a gay rights supporter. I think that they were projecting the "media church's" view on homosexuality on to me.  Additionally, I think I was a threat to their relationship as I was extremely close to Arleen.  She basically raised me and was emotionally my mother.

At the start of this year, there was a situation where all communication had been cut off between Arleen, Judy and I.  (See the following posts: http://clinicallyclueless.blogspot.com/2010/01/family-drama-anger-pain-fragmentation.html, http://clinicallyclueless.blogspot.com/2010/01/drama-continues.html, http://clinicallyclueless.blogspot.com/2010/01/drama-and-depression.html, http://clinicallyclueless.blogspot.com/search/label/Family%20Drama ). 

However, due to my Grandma's illness and subsequent passing away, Judy and Arleen had extensive communication with me and seeing one another at the events following. Judy had even called crying when her father passed away, her mother passed three days later and Grandma the day after.  The last conversation Adrian and I had we were in the middle of praying for her when she suddenly had to talk a call from her son.

Everything seemed fine during the events surrounding my Grandma's death.  My husband noted the same.  However, I emailed or sent an ecard to Arleen and Judy about one time per week since Grandma's passing (Feb 1st).  I had not had any response and received indication that she received, but did not open the emails or ecards.  Then, I received the following:

(It should be noted that Judy screens all of Arleen's mail, email and telephone calls addressed to Arleen.  It is very obvious that "Arleen's responses" to me are written by Judy especially as Arleen does not speak or write in the manner which they were written. She also is not awake during the hours that they were received.)

Received 4/26/10; Sent to Adrian, Arleen and myself; From Judy

Coleen and Adrian,

I thought my parameters were clear with Coleen, after Coleen left that horribly cruel message to Arleen on her cell phone some months ago. [see links above for details] Prior to that call to Arleen, I had put myself "out there", to be genuinely supportive and loving to and for Coleen. Arleen and I have been treated poorly by Coleen, through her behavior and actions toward us both, months ago. My feelings of extreme disgust especially over Coleen's treatment of Arleen, have not changed.  [This all stems from my setting a limit with Judy, but she is focusing on my statement toward Arleen which was quite nasty, but Arleen accepted my explanation and apology.]

While Masaye was ill and during the meetings of the family after she passed, I was appropriately as civil as I could manage to be, with consideration to all parties affected by her loss. [This is quite an over statement and may not even be true.  Remember that people with BPD don't see things as they really are and inflate and feed into their own anger...I know and it is difficult to be thoughtful instead of reactionary.] Somehow, this decision (my decision not to be cold or distant with Coleen at the hospital, service, Mom's home etc., ) was either greatly misinterpreted, or in my opinion, used as an excuse to proceed as if "nothing ever happened."

I asked not to be send e-cards and yet, this persists. I expressed my hurt over incidences with you personally, Coleen... and I expressed my infuriation and revulsion over your behavior and verbal dissection of Arleen. She is the last person on the earth who deserves your cruelty. Your behavior was absolutely inexcusable. [Each email that Judy has sent regarding the "incident" becomes bigger and bigger as demonstrated by her own words.  Also, begin to see how she uses splitting by all, nothing, never...etc.  This is definitely a BPD characteristic and quite difficult to manage and learn to be thoughtful rather than reactionary.  I'm getting better at it.]

As to the gift card you sent for my birthday, I am informing you that I have given it to Arleen because I'm not comfortable accepting it from you. It will be considered her birthday present from you to her for May. [This demonstrated how fused Judy and Arleen are with one another.  She is not dictating what I am to give Arleen for her birthday.  I'm going to send Arleen a gift of my own. I figure that Judy can do whatever she wants with my gift.]

I leave Arleen to speak for herself, if and when she chooses to do so, as always. As for me personally, to be perfectly clear Coleen, please do not email me, send ecards, call me or contact me in any way. It is well known that "fragmenting" is no excuse to treat people like shit only to expect that others roll under the weight of it. I believe you knew exactly what you were saying and while you truly experience "fragmenting" at times, you also employ it as a tactic to behave in ways so that you can escape responsibility for your actions by claiming "it" as the culprit. [Long discussions with my therapist over this paragraph.  Bottom line is that this is not true, but is for Judy who is projecting. She doesn't seem aware of her own behavior and this is actually more true for her than for me.]

We have been through the worst months of our lives and I will not allow these "issues" to persist. Please show some respect and let me be. I wish you both well.

Sincerely,

Judy

[Judy is BPD and has demonstrated many of the characteristics of such.  One of the issues we face with BPD is that we act and say things in ways to make the other person feel as we do. (projection).  So, my reaction was anger bordering on rage when I first received this.  However, I have stopped reacting to her anger which was directed at me.  Basically, she is angry about my setting a boundary with her and is rageful, so is trying to make me feel as angry as she is.  Classic BPD symptom. Tough one for me to deal with.]

Sent: 4/26/10; To: Arleen; BCC: Adrian

Arleen,

Do you feel the same as Judy in regards to me? Do you not want any contact

with me? If you do not answer as Judy made reference to, I will interpret a

lack of response from you that you do not want me to contact you via mail,

email, telephone calls, ecard, or to contact you in any way. I just want

some clarification about where I stand with you.

Love,

Coleen

Received 4/26/10; To: Me; BCC: Judy, Adrian

I do love you, you are my family and always will be, that can't be changed. I'm sorry that we can't have as close a relationship as before, because of what you said to Judy and me. I have forgiven you for me, but can't forget that somewhere inside of you, the real you, you must really think that about me. I love you, Coleen and always have! We can continue to email and ecard between the two of us, if you would like.

Love,

Arleen

[This email is obviously written by Judy as it does not sound like Arleen and sounds like Judy.  The other evidence is that it was written at a time when Arleen is quite far from being awake.]

Sent 4/26/10; To: Arleen; BCC: Adrian; From: me

I do love you too. I also am also angry and sad that you can't get past what was told to you by Judy. Especially, as you indicated in response to my email explaining my telephone call to you that you understood. I became scared when you wrote something like you both did not want any telephone contact with me. Although I know that it wasn't true, it meant to me that you were abandoning me and that you were cutting ties with me. What I stated, in anger, was not, is not and never has been what I really think of you. Often, most people say things out of anger that they really don't mean in an effort to really hurt someone. I am sorry that I hurt you, but that really isn't the way that I think about you. I'm sorry that I cannot count on you to be there for me...you and Judy were the only ones in the family that I could. So, you just throw away many years over this situation and basically don't want contact with me. Sounds a bit harsh. I guess, if I go into the hospital again, Adrian will notify you by email. How long are you both going to punish me for which I have already apologized. Is this a lost cause that I cannot do anything more about? I guess, we will go through the rest of our lives via email. I love you.

Love,

Coleen

[Okay, now I am reacting and not being thoughtful.  However, I was slightly aware of this and didn't care because I was so angry. But, there is progress as I was aware that I was making a choice.  A year ago, I was far from being able to do this.]

Sent 4/26/10; To: Arleen; BCC: Adrian; From: me

I am sorry if I hurt your feelings in the last email. But, I think, I am trying to obtain something that I will never have with you which is an open, loving, caring, supportive and understanding relationship.

Love,

Coleen

[Not a very wise thing to say...now, I am fragmenting more]

Received 4/26/10; To: Me; BCC: Judy, Adrian

Coleen! You didn't JUST hurt my feelings...you stabbed me in the heart and disrespected my love for you...how can that ever be completely healed???? And before you ask for an open, loving, caring supportive and understanding relationship you need to look deep within your own heart and soul...are YOU really capable of this yourself???? As I said I will love you and care about you always, but a relationship works both ways. I have tried to be so open and honest with you, but you obviously are hiding many things from me and everyone else...how do you expect to heal your soul by hiding and lying to yourself. I hope you read this and can understand, if not, then good luck with your life and be well and try to love the man that has stood beside you thru all this.

Love, Arleen

[This is definitively written by Judy who is escalating in her fragmentation.]

This is a part of what I was dealing with last week and it continues.  I had six hours of therapy four is the norm and a scheduled appointment with my psychiatrist. I also promised not to respond/react to Arleen or Judy without speaking with my therapist first, so as to stay out of "trouble." Needless to say, I am very angry and hurt by the above. It is mostly untrue.  I also demonstrated BPD characteristics by only seeing Judy as bad and I was feeding my own anger by ruminating about it.  Additionally, I thought that I was a "bad person."  Once, I was able to stop this I was able to be thoughtful about the emails.

I am beginning to realize that Arleen is choosing to be in an emotionally abusive relationship which saddens me as I am unable to speak with her directly without going through Judy who has effectively cut off communication with me.   I am angry at both of them, but really disappointed that I cannot communicate with Arleen.

So there is my Monday!  I'm not through with the exhaustion of my week yet...sheesh.  I know that this is long, so for those who read it "thank you."  I also hope that it helped you to understand more about the issues and challenges that those with  Borderline Personality Disorder face, all the time.

This Monday and Tuesday, the drama continued…

Monday morning, Adrian emailed Judy stating, “Have you or Arleen heard anything new about Grandma? Love, Adrian” Later, Judy responded, “No, Adrian I haven’t but if and when I do. I’ll let you know. Also, please ask Coleen NOT to send any ecards from Hallmark to me. I hope you’re doing ok and lots of love to you always! Hugs, Judy.” (Obviously, before Judy’s response to Adrian I had sent her an ecard apologizing to her which she did not open.)

Monday evening, Adrian emailed Judy stating, “Okay. Thanks. I talked to Coleen and the E-Card she sent you was an apology. She is taking responsibility for what she did. Did you open it? Love, Adrian”

Tuesday afternoon (today), Judy sent an email to Adrian which follows:


Hi Adrian,


No, I didn't open it. Last week, Coleen took the time to email Arleen firstly, with her agenda/questions ~ (of course,)
about Grandma and then requested details. Then, as purely a secondary subject, she apologized to Arleen and then indirectly, to me.
Needless to say, I did not feel sincerity in her apology.


I can't deal with her right now and I know she's sending messages through you and it needs to stop, please. I'll repeat what I've said to you
before:


1. IF and when I hear anything about Masaye, I'll let you know.
2. I feel what Coleen did to Arleen is reprehensible and I, for one, think it shows Coleen's projections. I will never tolerate any person
in my life who would say such outrageous, cruel and UNTRUE things to the woman I love. For me, she has caused irreparable damage.


Feel free to email me anytime, Adrian - but not with Coleen's agendas.


Love,
Judy

Since Judy was not going to open any e-mail from me, I tried one last attempt at apologizing to her. I didn’t write anything except for the subject line stating, “I am sorry that I hurt your feelings.” I was pretty sure that was the only way to get my apology to her. She sent two emails to me one stating, “THIS is an apology?? SERIOUSLY??” The other one stated, “”There is no need for you to email me or contact me again.” This essential cuts me off from Arleen who raised me and is emotionally my mother.

I want to say that I understand that my fragmenting and leaving the mean messages on Arleen’s voice mail were wrong and that there are consequences for which I am paying. Sometimes when I fragment, it gets bad enough to where I don’t care what I say or do. The unfortunate thing is that Judy is also fragmenting. It isn’t the right thing for me to do, but I go there where I don’t care.. I am feeling angry, hurt and abandoned and my suicidal ideation and self-harm urges are loud. However, I have it in check…so, don’t worry.

Drama and Depression

(Tomorrow, I've written about this week's Monday and Tuesday.  However, last night which was Wednesday, my husband and I recieved a call telling us that Grandma only has 25% of her lungs working and was given one day to six months.  We don't yet know anymore detail even what is diagnosed with, but I'll update as I know. Please pray for my Grandma, family and I.)

Okay, I am going to try to remember what my husband told me about his two hour conversation with Judy and Arleen.  I'm glad that he took some notes.  I was a good thing that I was asleep and didn't know about it especially since Judy reportedly did not want me in on the conversation. 

Apparently, earlier in the day Adrian had emailed Judy letting her know that he has some information that might help her to understand me better.  She was mostly responding to my second message to Arleen.

Adrian indicated that the tone of both of their voices were that they were venting.  He could tell they said what they wanted to say and that I was all bad to them. Judy did most of the talking and Arleen wasn't even listening.  It was only when Adrian wanted to explain some things that Judy got on the telephone.

Back to what Judy told Adrian.  She stated that I was rude, disrespectful, cruel, egocentric, never apologizes, never listens and everything has to be about me.  She started to explain how my Grandpa's funeral became all about me and that I made Grandma being in the nursing home about me and that God forbid that when she passes that I will make that all about me too.  (That is absolutely not true verified by others)  Judy also stated that she is closer to Grandma then anyone else in the family.  (Bullshit...I was extremely hurt that Arleen did not counter anything Judy said).

Judy stated that she knows more about nursing homes as she has had to work with staff directly and wasn't in and out, but stayed for full days sometimes, so knows better about nursing homes. But, she listened to me as I went on and on with about a 50 point sheet sheet of what to look for in a SNF. Judy stated that we know better that her and that she just kept going on and on about stuff we already knew.  (She was referring to my addressing my uncle as he had expressed a lack of knowledge about SNFs.  While going through the list she would state oh that was something I didn't think of and at the end I asked if she had anything to add.  She indicated that she was appreciative and that my experience was different in working with SNF and was valuable.  She managed to exclude me from a meeting for my Grandma)

Judy stated that she listened for hours about my problems, but I never listen to her. (In actuality she talks about 75% of the time, and I often am not able to talk about the reason that I called her.)  She stated that I never support her. (Previously...She has told me that I can ground her like Arleen can, that I am a good listener and someone that she can talk to that will listen. I also called her four times during Arleen's surgery to provide support.) 

It was asked if Gary was a good therapist because after so many years, I should behave better and have more awareness and take responsibility for my cruelty.  Arleen indicated that the whole family can be cruel.

Adrian shared quite extensively about what he talks about in therapy and that night for the first time I shared with him about my session and the "bad" things.  (I really felt betrayed for awhile, but quickly go over it once he apologized.  I knew that he was only trying to help, but that he wasn't heard.  They heard only what they wanted to hear.)

Unfortunately, Adrian told them many things including that I choose to fragment, him kicking in the door because he was so angry at him, saying cruel things and pushing him away.  He indicated that after he thought about the conversation that his indicating that he was listening made it sound like he was agreeing with everything Judy was saying.  He did say that I don't fragment all the time and that I am getting progressively better and that I do take responsibility when I am not fragmenting.

Adrian stated to me that he shouldn’t have offered to help. They didn’t understand that what he was saying was to help them understand. They didn’t get it and I made it worse, gave them more fuel, they only heard what they wanted to. (I felt so badly for him.)

Judy and Arleen both ended the conversation with feeling sorry for Adrian for putting up with me and surprised that he has stayed with me and hasn't left or divorced me. Also, that Adrian’s emails and telephone calls are under duress due to my pressuring him.  They told him that they understand how I am and that he can call them anytime and that for now, they need to protect themselves, so they will have no contact for now.

I really can't say anymore or my observations other than the one's that I indicated in the last two posts.  However, I am very depressed, the suicidal thoughts are loud and the self-injury thoughts are really intense.  But, I am safe!!!  So, much for 2010 being boring so far.  Sigh.

...Drama Continues

(Please refer to yesterday's entry if you want the background) Since I didn't sleep and was not fragmenting, I wrote an email to Arleen.  The following is the email:

Thank you for letting me know what is going on with Grandma. Sounds like it was a really frustrating situation that you didn't get to be involved. I'm sorry that it went that way. Were they specific regarding when the pulmonologist would be requested? I'm glad that the plan is for two weeks, but does that include sending her home with oxygen? I know that you were not able to participate, but was Grandma involved in the meeting? How is she doing? I didn't get a chance to call her last night as planned as I was out in the rain for three doctor appointment. (I left the cake out in the rain...did you see the green ice slowly melting? Name that tune!)

I wish that I could have been there. I even asked two of my doctors if a wear a mask and gloves if I could go. He said, "absolutly not that I can't be in a hospital or a nursing home." It is extremely frustrating for me because I have really been wanting to visit her when she was in the hospital and a nursing home.

I am really sorry for the messages that I left last night. I'm not trying to make excuses what I did was wrong. However, I was really hurt and it felt like you were breaking all ties with me without even letting me know verbally. (I sobbed for a couple hours after I read your email) I hope that this doesn't do any further damage to our relationship, but I understand if it does. But, do know that I am extremely remorseful. I'm sorry that I screwed thing up. If it helps any, I did the same thing with my therapist and later called to apologize. I was going to call you, but was afraid that you would be angry because I was leaving another message.

I would have responded to your message earlier, but I didn't get home from S. Pas until 5:30...with the pouring rain it took me 1 1/2 hours to get home. I was exhausted after leaving you the first message and knew that I wasn't in a place to respond to your email...but, duh...I didn't realize that I also shouldn't have left you a message either...sometimes, the brain doesn't kick when I want it too especially when I am hurt, angry or feel misunderstood. So, I don't want to screw things up anymore than they are already. I'm really afraid that I have lost you again...I don't want the last words that I hear from you is you yelling to me about how to handle Michael.

I'm sorry that Judy felt that I was rude and disrespectful. I'm sorry if that I hurt her feeling and made her angry. My brief side is: At the beginning of the conversation, I told her that I was not really feeling well. I do listen to her talk and try to be supportive. I only cut her off when she started to go into Filipinos and how the U.S recruits them and they take away jobs and that it is Hillary Clinton's fault. I also did tell her of my experiences and how I worked with nursing homes if there was no follow through.

I hope that given the your email that you will still keep me in the loop regarding Grandma. I hope that this make sense as it is 2:30 am...I was worried about us and Grandma, so I am probably up for the day. I don't want to make another mistake in saying very inappropriate things, so my proofreader (?) reader will do his thing later and then I will send it. Again, I really regret what I said on you cellular VM. I was wrong and hope that this doen't drive a further wedge between us as I really do emotionally feel like you are my mother and that you and Judy are really the only family that I have, but it sounds like I lost my relationship with you too. I do love the both of you.

Thanks (hopefully) for listen to my 2 am rambling.

Love you both,

Coleen

Second email:  oops, I think fourth paragraph? I didn't mean that you were yelling at me. Just that you were in another place and needed to yell so that Judy and I could hear you. I don't ever recall you yelling at me...maybe, firm...but never raising voice unless you were try to irritate me by singing funny. :-)

After my husband read it and I sent it, he informs me that he had a two hour conversation with Judy and Arleen last night. It wasn't a good thing...stay tuned tomorrow for details.  I was extremely hurt, angry and felt betrayed by my husband.

Oh, by the way, all of this time...my suicidal thoughts and self-injury thoughts are intense. This is out of the "I am bad" which goes along with my self-hatred.

Family Drama, Anger, Pain & Fragmentation!!

The short story and not the three day version...bottom line is Arleen and Judy are not speaking with me anymore. Arleen is my aunt who is emotionally my mother and Judy is her partner/wife.  For the longer version, read the three day version.  :-)

Important terms for this week's entries (we all do these to various degrees): 

Fragmentation ~ a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Mirroring ~ "copying" another persons affect or thoughts.  Basically, demonstrating agreement with another, so that they feel like you think and feel the same thing.  In infants and children, this is extremely important.  When this phase does not take place, a person will try to do this with adult relationships.

Alignment ~ attempts at having another person think and feel the same way.  This is a part of infantile fantasy and mirroring.  Infantile fantasy is that everyone and everything align or agrees with how you think and feel.

Sigh...again not a boring time, yet. Last week, was EXTREMELY stressful. Lots of fragmenting on everyone's part.  I was exhausted from driving in the rain everyday, 6 1/2 hours of therapy because of what was happenning. I slept all weekend!!! I even slept through the night...Yipee!!!

Judy, my aunt's partner, called and updated me about my Grandmother's condition.  Short update.  Grandma was moved to a skilled nursing facility (SNFs) without notifying family. Judy and Arleen (my aunt) both have experience as respitory therapists going into SNFs and 40% of my clients resided in SNFs.  (I had already spoken with my Grandmother, staff and my contacts to find out how the good the facility was where she was temporarily residing.)

When Judy called, I told her that I was not feeling well.  She indicated that she would be short.  I listened to her about her concerns regarding her family, step-parents, Arleen's medical care, and frustration that the Director of Nursing (DON) did not call her back. Well, I gave her some suggestion, acknowledged her frustration and explain what might have happenned.  She proceeded to complain about all Filipinos are all the same: lazy, incompetent, don't understand English, never do what they are told, etc.

The DON was Filipino. I tried to tell Judy that while I have had those experiences and worked with mostly Filipino care providers and nurses that my experiences have been mixed.  (I was also feeling defensive and protective and becoming angry.  We have had many, many conversations regarding this issue.)

Judy continued on and then began to complaing that Filipinos take all the jobs away from Americans because the U.S recruits them and that it is Hilary Clinton's fault (note: Judy is fragmenting quite badly as shown in the bold all, and never...black and white thinking). When she brought Hilary into the conversation I told her that "I really can't listen to this right now." 

Judy's demeanor and tone immediately changed and she sharply stated, "Well, what do you want to talk about."  I responded, "I don't know".  I just know that I can't listen to what you are saying."  Well, we abruptly ended the conversation.  (I didn't fulfill her infantile fantasy by mirroring her and aligning with her point of view about Filipinos).

The next afternoon, I received a curt email from Arleen regarding my Grandmother's status and the end stated, "By the way, you won't be receiving any phone calls from us until you apologize to Judy. She listens to you when you need to VENT Coleen (which Judy needed to do last night) and you were rude and disrespectful to her.

I still love you with all my heart and that will never change."

Well, I immediately fragmented and called Arleen and left a message on her cellular telephone after no one answering her home telephone stating, "You don't really love me because if you did then you would at least call an get my side of the story."  I then, left a message on Gary's (my therapist) answering machine telling him what happened.  He interrupted that message and told me not to do anything. He said, "damn it."  I knew that I was fragmenting...Arleen, Judy and I.  In line with what we have been talking about in therapy and how hard he has been pushing me, he indicated how I am responsible for some of my actions.  First, he was very supportive.  Then, he had to go as his next client was there.  I was quite angry, hurt, feeling bad and immedately began crying.

Adrian came home to me sobbing which I did for a couple of hours. I felt like I really screwed things up even more and that I had lost contact with Arleen and Judy forever.  Later, I left two messages for Gary. In the first one, I lashed out at him for leaving me in the situation of crying and feeling bad (thinking I was bad..."bad" is not a feeling, but a self-judgement) during our last conversation.  Then, later I left a second one apologizing and telling him that I would see him tomorrow.

I also left a second message for Arleen stating, "I don't feel like you love me. I'm hurt by your cutting me off.  It feels like the last six months has been a sham.  For more than ten years, we didn't have contact because you listened to my mother without even checking with me despite my numerous telephone calls.  Cutting me off now feels the same without you checking with me again."  (I knew that I was fragmenting, but I was in a place where I figured out since I screwed up everything anyway that it doesn't matter what I do now.)

OBSERVATIONS:  I've made many observations about these events that I added into the narrative. This was after about 11 hours that I was able to do this...hooray, progress.  Needless to say, everyone was fragmenting and reacting to each other which just made things worse. I felt like I was being punished and unfairly judged without being able to defend myself.  My feelings were extremely hurt and I was really angry and thinking I was bad.  Fragmenting can go two ways either all good or all bad. Arleen and Judy were in the all good; therefore, reinforcing my all bad thinking.

...tomorrow, more fragmenting, crying and hurt feelings and my non-fragmented response.

Cruel Response

After sending the email to my uncle he responded:

Well Coleen I'm sorry that you feel that way and to be perfectly honest with you, and I've said this before, this was always between you and your mother and you should have never gotten any of us involved. I didn't read your entire email because like most of yours you just ramble on about nothing. See you later and I hope someday you will get your shit together and get better. It's really up to you and no one else.
Mike

I guess, I should have seen it coming as I had "attacked" him. Nonetheless, I was quite angry and hurt. We have not had any sort of contact since. However, my aunt and her partner are quite supportive and also have issues with him of his behavior of late as well. They and my husband are quite angry.

I DID NOT send the following, but it did help me to feel better:

Michael,

Your actions of late feels like you are the dictator of the family suddenly. Like a little Hilter. Well, your reign has ended. You only were dictator in your mind, of course. I feel like you betrayed my trust, hurt my feelings and angered me. Oh, and nobody made you god either. I’m sorry that you seem to have to act like a child and aren’t able to take responsibility and see your part in anything or apologize. Fuck you for trying to make the world revolve around you. I feel like you don’t care or want me around. Well, you have your wish.

I don’t want to speak with, talk with you or write to you again seeing how you don’t read what I write anyway, “because I ramble on about nothing,” I’m really sorry that you have an attention span less than an ant. Most of your actions, with the exception of the last email, do not seem to have any malice intended. It is just that you are a bit dense and naïve. Also, with an inability for insight and you project your thoughts and emotions on to everone else. Well, you really hurt my feelings enough to where I, in total, have cried for hours because of how much you hurt me. But, you don’t care because you can’t take responsibility for anything. Oh, and I hurt you first…grow up already. Or is the situation too complex for your pea brain mind.

I am fucking angry at you because of how you dismiss me and my feelings. You never really listed which is made obvious by your actions. I don’t care what you say about not tipping Susan off to my letter, you are so dense that I actually do believe that you believe that you didn’t directly say anything to tip her off. Well, what ever you said to her tipped her off whether you know it or not. What the hell are you talking about my relationship with her anyway and then say that I got you involved. You have been to only one in the family that has gotten themselves involved. Even your kids were more appropriately responsive than you. Maybe, they can teach you something. Oh, but you do not seem teachable. I’m tired of banging my head to try to figure you out or to convince you how badly you hurt me because you can’t seem to get it…somehow, you make it my fault.

I am not at fault, but I am furious with you for getting so involved even though you keep saying that it is between my mother and myself. Yes, it is between Susan and me so keep your controlling nose out of my business. And, no my sending the letter was not an invitation for anyone to get involved. You are the only one who seems to think so and did get involved, even though you don’t see it. You have interferred with most things since I told you what was going on with me.

You bastard for telling me that my getting better is up to me. Fuck you for telling me to get my “shit together and get better.” Yes, it is up to me and I am getting and have been getting “my shit together” for many years. Contrary to what you want, this takes time for me and it doesn’t happen instantly. It isn’t the way you want it to be. I know that you don’t understand, but you could at least be supportive and not attacking. You would never have the courage to work through the things that I have to. Fuck you for telling me what to do!!! I am hurt and so furious that I feel like you betrayed me and that you can’t even begin to understand what it takes and what I’ve been through. Your words mean nothing to me now. I need to see supportive and loving action…if you even know what that means. By the way, you have so much shit to get together that you can’t even begin to see. At least, I know my shit and am working toward getting better.

I also didn’t realize how mean, cruel and insensitive that you can be, but your email and recent actions feel like you completely disregard anything I say or others say…You do what you want anyway without thinking that it could really hurt my feeling and make me angry. Fuck you for making my process more difficult!!!

Remember that I did not send this, but it was a great way to get out some of my anger!!

(Letter to Mother. This is only for my personal searchs as blogger does not search by tags, much to my dismay)

(Letter to mom. This is for search purposes only.)

An Email to My Uncle

I was so angry with the way my uncle was treating me and what he had been doing that I emailed him the following:

Michael,

I can’t even begin to tell you how angry, hurt and betrayed that I feel because of what you have done. Also, sad because I do not trust you anymore. First of all, when we met at Wild Thyme you had promised not to say anything to Susan. Well, you broke that promise. Whether or not you directly gave her information about my letter, it is quite obvious that you said something to prompt her to write a letter and send it the same day I sent mine. She never sends or contacts me in such a manner. Your response for that was, "she is my sister and I have a right to talk to her." Yes, this is true, but to my knowledge you never call her to chit-chat. My relationship with Susan (my mother) is none of your business to talk to her about.

Stop trying to interfere or fix the things in my life. I’m sorry, if you need me to "hurry up" and get better. It seems that you have little understanding of my relationship with Susan. I do not feel that you have an understanding of me or respect for my feelings and how what you say or do effects me. You seem to do whatever you think is best without putting into context what has been conveyed to you in writing or verbally. I feel really disrespected and betrayed.

It seems that you did not understand my relationship with Susan from when we talked at Wild Thyme, the email that Adrian (husband) sent you, couple of conversations that we had together or even the letter or your conversation with Arleen (aunt). I’m sorry, but my life and relationships are not that simple. By the way, who made you God of my life anyway? Telling me that I should not have sent the letter to everyone, that it was too graphic…well, I’m sorry if you cannot handle the truth or believe me when I tell you that it can’t be worked out between my mother and I. You say that you believe me, but your actions tell me otherwise by calling Arleen and asking her about if she believed me and to discuss my relationship with my mother.

I am so angry with you that I don’t want to share anything personal with you again. You don’t even have common decency to apologize. Oh, but I forget you think you are the God of my life. You will never be able to imagine how much you hurt me and betrayed my trust. I am really sorry that you don’t seem to understand what Arleen and I have told you and that you felt the need to get involved to the point of making things much more painful for me. Stay out of my personal business which I will no longer be sharing with you.

Coleen

I'll write more about it tomorrow including his response. Thanks for listening to my soap opera!!

(Letter to Mother. This is only for my personal searchs as blogger does not search by tags, much to my dismay)

(Letter to mom. This is for search purposes only.)