I really would like you to read what I wrote on Monday, so I am reposting it today. There are key definitions at the bottom along with an update.
If you remember, I stated somewhere that two weeks ago left me emotionally exhausted. I couldn't write about it then, but I'll try now. (Remember, I have a Borderline Personality Disorder, as well) Current, commentary in the emails are in purple brackets. Let us start by identifying the key people.
Grandmother: Grandma; Masaye
Some background: During last year, Arleen and Judy were extremely supportive of me after about 15 years of almost no communication. Judy reports that my mother had told them that I was a very conservative Christian and felt that their marriage was an abomination. She told me that they were uncomfortable with my being a Christian. None of which is true. I am actually a gay rights supporter. I think that they were projecting the "media church's" view on homosexuality on to me. Additionally, I think I was a threat to their relationship as I was extremely close to Arleen. She basically raised me and was emotionally my mother.
However, due to my Grandma's illness and subsequent passing away, Judy and Arleen had extensive communication with me and seeing one another at the events following. Judy had even called crying when her father passed away, her mother passed three days later and Grandma the day after. The last conversation Adrian and I had we were in the middle of praying for her when she suddenly had to talk a call from her son.
[Judy is BPD and has demonstrated many of the characteristics of such. One of the issues we face with BPD is that we act and say things in ways to make the other person feel as we do. (projection). So, my reaction was anger bordering on rage when I first received this. However, I have stopped reacting to her anger which was directed at me. Basically, she is angry about my setting a boundary with her and is rageful, so is trying to make me feel as angry as she is. Classic BPD symptom. Tough one for me to deal with.]
[Okay, now I am reacting and not being thoughtful. However, I was slightly aware of this and didn't care because I was so angry. But, there is progress as I was aware that I was making a choice. A year ago, I was far from being able to do this.]
[This is definitively written by Judy who is escalating in her fragmentation.]
This is a part of what I was dealing with last week and it continues. I had six hours of therapy four is the norm and a scheduled appointment with my psychiatrist. I also promised not to respond/react to Arleen or Judy without speaking with my therapist first, so as to stay out of "trouble." Needless to say, I am very angry and hurt by the above. It is mostly untrue. I also demonstrated BPD characteristics by only seeing Judy as bad and I was feeding my own anger by ruminating about it. Additionally, I thought that I was a "bad person." Once, I was able to stop this I was able to be thoughtful about the emails.
I am beginning to realize that Arleen is choosing to be in an emotionally abusive relationship which saddens me as I am unable to speak with her directly without going through Judy who has effectively cut off communication with me. I am angry at both of them, but really disappointed that I cannot communicate with Arleen.
So there was my Monday morning a couple of weeks ago! I'm not through with the exhaustion of my week yet...sheesh. I know that this is long, so for those who read it "thank you." I also hope that it helped you to understand more about the issues and challenges that those with Borderline Personality Disorder face, all the time. As of this point there has been no response or correspondence from either. On Mother's Day, I did send Areen an ecard as per "Arleen's" response, but she has yet to open it. I'm beginning to really realize that Arleen makes her own choices and the 15 year gap could have been reestablished earlier if Arleen had responded to my numerous calls and emails during this time. Okay....go now....crying.
Mirroring ~ "copying" another persons affect or thoughts. Basically, demonstrating agreement with another, so that they feel like you think and feel the same thing. In infants and children, this is extremely important. When this phase does not take place, a person will try to do this with adult relationships. [This whole thing started by a simple interaction were I didn't have the same opinion as Judy. Look at links below for details. It may seem like it is my reaction to Arleen, but, in fact, I didn't not fulfill her infantile fantasy that someone will mirror me exactly the way I want them to. BPD characteristic.]
Alignment ~ attempts at having another person think and feel the same way. This is a part of infantile fantasy and mirroring. Infantile fantasy is that everyone and everything align or agrees with how you think and feel. [BPD attempt at getting what they didn't get when they were very young...for me as an infant.]
[Judy is splitting me. Once, I was all good to her and could do nothing wrong, but now everything I say, do, or once said and did is view as that I am all bad. Tough BPD issue to manage.]
Projection ~ a person projects their own feelings, emotions or motivations onto another person without realizing that their reaction is really more about themselves rather than it is about the other person. [Judy is doing this in the interaction. This is especially characteristic of someone with BPD.]
Transference ~ is when an someone associates something that is said or done in a past experience and so relives the emotions of that past experience in the present. [Both of us are doing this in the interaction.]