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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Angry, Discouraged and Fat

Tonight, I am really having a tough time.  I'm really wanting to cut and I'm so angry at myself.  When the weekend started, I was already having a difficult time and I know I misinterpreted what my therapist told me, but yet it sticks in my head and feelings.  I wonder if this is what I look like now?

I was quite excited about the Nordstrom Opening and was looking forward to making some purchases.  There were approximately 2000 people waiting to go in.  I was one of probably the first 50 as those who had a make up make-over were first.  It was an incredible crowd (lots of PRN and trying to get into a place to breathe) which was exciting.  The store opened at 10 am and the make overs at 8 am; however, there were people there since 7 am.  The Nordstrom brothers were there!!! The store is absolutely beautiful!!!  With many, many sitting breaks, I left about 2:30pm.  Then, took a three hour nap.

I was talking with all my usual sales person's some who have moved up or to another department because of the changes.  Last week, I was talking to one of the sales person's who became a manager of the department.  She knows me, but hasn't seen me in quite awhile.  The first thing that she did was to congratulate me and asked how far along I was.  I explained all the medical stuff and she was embarrassed and profusely apologetic. (Obviously, this upset me, but I put it aside. Tonight I am thinking about it).

The way that my weight sits does look like I am pregnant.  I look fine from the front and back, but from the side I look pregnant.  I'm really discouraged and any at myself as I couldn't find anything that I could fit into that I wanted and even the tunics that I liked did not fit.  I just wanted to cry, but the women in the department that know me were somewhat comforting.  I just wanted to purchase something that I needed.  I did end up purchasing some shorts, but will probably return them.  I had to return some bras that would have fit when I ordered them, but they don't now. I had to exchange them for a different size.  I used mail order.

A couple of weeks ago, my doctor wanted me to see a cardiologist due to my labs from three months ago and my weight gain.  She wanted him to do a treadmill stress test which I am unable to complete due to my respiratory issues.  I told her that nothing has changed since my last visit except that I lost six pounds.  So, she and I decided to run labs again, but I needed to return "fasting."  I haven't gone back.

I also know that I've gained weight because my clothes are not fitting me the same.  I know I'm starting my menstrual cycle this coming week, but I am really angry with myself and discouraged that I will ever lose my weight by the methods advised by my dietician!!  And, I'm not even reaching my goal of six small meals per day. I don't know if I want to cry or scream...I do want to cut...not going there.

9 comments:

Dean Corso said...

Dear Clueless,
Thanks for commenting on my post, means a lot.
Although out hardships are different from each other, but we see some familiar places through our life, Places which...we can relate to something obscure yet common. For you, there's a path, which may not has been written in any book or magazines yet. So you'll discover your own way, a method which will help you. Please stay safe.

Hold Fast said...

I have tried to write a comment for you but am having a hard time. (Good thing for the backspace button.) I know how hard it is for you right now. Just continue moving forward and try not to cut. To me self injury is such a quick release but I feel worse later and mad that I only hurt myself. Continue to tell yourself that you are the daughter of the King of Kings and He is there helping you through your struggles. If you can picture Him sitting by you or hold you, maybe you won't feel so alone.

I'm sorry you are feeling fat right now. I have yet to figure out how see a true image of my body. The best way I can do it is by a clothes size. I am currently in a 6 and when I find out some of my friends are in 10 & 12s and look OK to me, I have to deduce I must look skinnier than them even though I think I'm fatter than them. Please take care of yourself.

NOS said...

CC, it's hard for me to know what to say because I don't know your specific situation. I don't know if you were required to gain weight as a component of your recovery from your eating disorder or not. But I do know that after a weight gain, weight does redistribute throughout your body. It does not stay in the same place forever. It first goes to the organs and then goes to the tummy to protect your digestive and reproductive systems (which have been damaged by the eating disorder).

And shopping is one of the most emotionally taxing activities on which a person trying to maintain recovery can embark. You are very brave for having gone.

I hope this comment was somewhat comforting to you. I don't know what you look like, but I can tell that you're beautiful.

Wishing you well,
NOS

Hold Fast said...

Clueless, I'm sure you won't post this on your blog but I just read this and wanted to forward it to you. Sometimes, this is the only thing that has kept me alive. I hope you can somehow find comfort in this.

Scripture points out that Christians have in Jesus a God who is a constant, unchangeable Friend.

He's not going to disappear or desert us when things get difficult.

On the contrary, it is precisely during such times that the Lord expresses a desire to draw us closer to Him.

Now, it's quite possible you may be feeling down today because a friend, a family member, an institution, a congregation, or a government has let you down.

If so, I'd like you to think upon Jesus.

Because of what He has done, because of His promise to never leave or forsake us, we can move into the unknown future with a Friend.

Just Be Real said...

Clueless, here listening.....

((((Clueless))))

Clueless said...

Dean,
You are very welcome. I've been following your blog and that picture and words really touched me. Thank you for relating to what I said.

Hold Fast, Yes, I've been self-injury free for a year. I know that one time would hook me like an addiction. I know that God is even holding me, but I really need God to use human hands.

Oh, I posted both of your posts...If you want me to remove the second one I will, but I felt that it was a good comment.

NOS,

Thank you for your encouraging words. I really appreciate them. Last year, I gained over 60 pounds due to medical issues. Now, I need to lose weight, which has really tapped into my anorexic behaviours, thoughts and emotions. It was driving me crazy, so now I have a dietician working with me.

JBR,

Thank you so much...it is comforting to know that you are there for me.

Hold Fast said...

Clueless, you can post both comments. When leaving your therapy appointment, try to find something positive that came out of it and focus on that the rest of the day.

AnnK said...

So sorry you are feeling this way. I agree with Hold Fast's second comment. Please call me. I can listen. I will send you e-mail with my schedule.

Donda said...

I take a medication that has caused me to gain weight. I successfully lost 20 lbs last summer but have since put it back on plus 10. It is so hard to stay on a diet/exercise plan. I will get manic and start out with great vigor but then my mood will shift and I'm all "WTF this is stupid" and fall back into my unhealthy ways. It's a vicious cycle.

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