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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Melt Down! Progress?

How can one have a total melt down and have your therapist consider it progress?  Well, it all starts with anticipating a concert, Carole King and James Taylor Troubadour concert tour.

Well, I began my day with getting my blood drawn for some tests.  Then, I went to therapy and hour away.  Session was really tought, so my therapist suggested that if I want that I could come back in an hour after his next appointment.  Three hours later, I'm headed home which took an hour.  Usually take a nap, but there is not time.  My husband and I go to the bank to obtain cash and I discover I made a $2000 dollar error, so I have less money than I thought.  Pick up dinner. Meet park and ride bus to head toward the Hollywood Bowl...Friday rush hour traffic and takes over an hour.

The concert was fantastic and was extremely sad when it was over and couldn't believe how fast the time had gone.  Carole is now 66 and James is now 62...wow how time flies and they sounded great.  Now, for the tricky part.  The concert was completely sold out and the Hollywood Bowl has the capacity of 17,376.  There is only one way out of the theatre including a short tunnel that has a low ceiling, which we made arrangements not to use, (last time there, I had a panic attack).  Imagine over 17,000 only being able to move in one direction...cow time...moo!!

Well, there was one police officer directing people to use the tunnel and the rest of the officers were doing a traffic break so we could cross the street...confusion.  Then, it is packed by the buses and quite confusing and again wall to wall people, rude people and different directions given.  I was getting quite agitated.  Then, I was push on two sides by two very large and tall women and the man in front of me stopped...I felt trapped and confused.  And, I started to scream.  My husband calmed me down and we were the first on the bus....make way for the crazy lady.

I was thinking that what I did was bad and meant I wasn't making progress in therapy. But, when I saw him he was proud of me because normally I would have internalized my anger and taken it out on myself.  Instead, I directed it outward and let others know that I was in distress.  Now, we need to figure out more appropriate ways of dealing with situations such as these.  He was glad that I screamed and we speculated that there were many others that wanted to do the same.

Here is a video of one of the songs they sing:  One of my favorites, "Up on the Roof."


Hold Fast said...

I just loved the last two blogs about the progress you have made. It makes me happy and shows there is hope. Yea.

Keep up the hard work looking for the positives!!!!

Melinda said...

Hey CC--I LOVE James Taylor and Carole King and in fact, my husband and I are going to see their concert (can't remember which coast at the moment) sometimes this summer. Les got the tickets quite a while ago. We see JT at the Boston Pops at Tanglewood from time to time but I haven't seen CK for years. When I was young and first learned to play guitar, I played so many of CK's songs--she was a huge, beginning influence on me, musically.

I hope you are finding peace, CC--I think of you often, although I've been so consumed with writing right now. I hope you are well, my friend--

Take care,


Clueless said...

Hold Fast, thank you. It feels good to have and appreciate "up" moments.

Melinda, it is really great to hear from you. Yes, we purchased out tickets quite a while ago. I love both of them, in fact, they are my go to music along with CSN when I am depressed...I'm not in good shape if they don't help.

Peace comes in sometimes. I'm glad that you think of me, but I understand the writing thing and it looks like it is going well.

I hope that you are well, my friend!!

take care,

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