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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

I Didn't Think It Would Be This Difficult!! ED Sucks!!!

This is what my recovery so far has been like.  I'm damned if I do and damned it I don't."  If I eat and meet my goal from my dietician, I feel good that I've met the goal except more of me is angry at myself for eating.  If I don't meet my goal, I feel angry and happy that I didn't eat.  It is just crazy feeling inside.  So many mixed feelings and so much ambivalence.

My veil of denial is being lifted and I don't like what I see.  I'm looking at how severe my eating disorder became and how my therapist should have hospitalized me, but knew I would not cooperate.  I'm noticing how much my thought life is consumed by my eating disorder.  It is exhausting and never ending.  It is a true addiction...addiction to not eating...same chemicals in the brain involved. 

Yet, still I sit here going, "do I eat dinner or not."  Knowing full well that it is a choice and that I have to decide.  But, I also know that it is difficult given that it is an addiction.  My therapist said that in light of how long and severe it became that this is supposed to be difficult and there is no way around it.  He also said that it is okay to go up and down and that it doesn't have to be perfect.  I really didn't expect this to be this difficult, so emotional or that it would take up so much of my time. 

I also, am trying to cook a meal this week as suggested by my dietician.  Well, yesterday I actually went grocery shopping and was so exhausted that I slept for three hours afterward.  My therapist focused on that accomplishment and that it was a start.  Tonight, I might do the prep and tomorrow cook.  We will see.  But the first decision is to eat or not tonight...?
Eating Disorder

4 comments:

NOS said...

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I just got out of the hospital for my eating disorder and am currently in a partial hospitalization program. My one piece of advice is to try and eat no matter what the eating disorder is telling you. If you don't it WILL ruin your life. Now, I know it's easier said than done, but you can do it!

NOS

Clueless said...

Thank you NOS,

I hope that your hospitalization went well and that partial is helping. Your advice is so right, but sometimes I listen too much. I know that it has significantly effected my life and is now!! Thank you for the encouragement. I could use all the help I can...encouragement is great!!

Marj aka Thriver said...

I'm glad to see that you are "working it out" with some collage at Polyvore. I haven't been to the site for a while, but have found it helpful in the past. It's good art therapy, isn't it?

Clueless said...

Marj,

Thank you for leaving a comment and for your encouragement. I've always found art therapy good, much to my dismay. I've fingerpainted, used Polyvore and Wordle during the past year or so. All have been helpful.

take care,
CC

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