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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Band-Aids Will Not Help!!

I sure do wish that a Band-Aid would fix my ouch.  Remember, from my previous posts that there has been a cutting off of my relationship with Arleen and Judy, my aunt/mother and her partner. Judy doesn't want any contact with me.  Arleen wrote that we can only communicate via email and ecards. However, Judy screens all of these.

Well, yesterday was Arleen's birthday, so I sent her an ecard and a gift certificate via email.  Well, up to now, neither one has been opened.  Judy did the same to her ecards and gave her gift to Arleen.  I've been really angry and in a lot of pain due to this situation especially as Arleen, even though she is only 10 years older than I, was my mother figure growing up.

I am in quite a bit of pain.  I also talked with my therapist last night because I knew I was fragmenting.  Basically, Judy has a Borderline Personality Disorder and I have become the all bad object.  Basically, Arleen will listen and agree to whatever Judy will say.  Which, at times, is incorrect, blown out of porportion or quite slanted.

The most difficult thing with this is that I don't have any way of contacting Arleen directly especially since Judy screens everything and even answers her emails for her without her knowledge.  And, I cannot do anything about it.  My therapist and I agree that Judy is threatened by my connection with Arleen that she will never have due to my history with Arleen, so she cuts off my connection with her.  My mother has done the same with Arleen and I in the past.

I really can't do anything about it without making matters worse.  I am extremely angry, hurt, disappointed, depressed and sad.


Donda said...

While I don't know the total back story, it seems to me that you are reaching out to them to make amends. If they don't want to accept it then that's their bad. Hard to do (it took me forever)but is so beneficial to YOU. Stop renting space in your head!

Dr. Deb said...

It is hard when you are cast in a negative (bad object) light. Sorry this hurts so much.

Mike Golch said...

CC,what will be will be if you are not welcome in their lives so be it.I am this close to telling my 2 sisters to take a hike as well.I love them I just do not like the way they treat me.

Clueless said...

Donda, Welcome and thank you for leaving a comment. I know you are right...I love, "stop renting space in your head!" This one I will remember.

Dr. Deb, Thank you. I understand that it is a borderline flip, I went from all good to all bad in her eyes. Yet, it still hurts.

Wise words...tough to follow through.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry to hear about this situation, CC. You are certainly not being treated nicely. Even though you are hurting, please take care of yourself. Don't let Arleen and Judy dictate your life.

Wishing you well,

Clueless said...


Thank you. Your words are wise and tough.

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