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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Fingerpainting

There are more to come. I have five portfolios of my fingerpainting.

On my main blog Clinically Clueless, I had begun to share my fingerpaintings and I decided to post all of them on this page.

Fingerpainting color guide:

I hesitate to put this up, but I realize for some it is helpful because not everyone is able to look at abstract art and find meaning. We are all different and embrace the differences. I would rather you have your own interpretations without any influence from me and share what you think or feel.

Red=pain/anger
Orange=rage
Purple=terror
Blue/light bluish/lavender/grey=sadness, crying, tears
Black=depression, hopelessness, despair

Past journal entry from July 14, 2005. (Originally posted July 14,2008)

Geoffrey,

When I came home today, I really wanted to bruise myself, so I decided to fingerpaint. After the fourth one, when I looked at it my stomach dropped and it scared me. Made me feel my hopeless and I just wanted to cry, so I stopped painting.

Remembered how hopeless I felt that it would get better, anyone would ever listen, anyone would ever understand, that I would ever feel better, that the suicidal thoughts would stop or I would stop wanting to hurt myself. Right now, my stomach and chest hurt and I want to cry. Remember being hopeless that my mother would ever listen to me, understand me, take care of me or protect me.

I really don't feel good right now...really wanting to hurt myself. Really want to bruise. Self-injury seems like it was my way of numbing out, punishing myself and expressing rage toward myself, my step-father and my mother.

Keep having flashbacks. Mostly, just waves of feelings and just wanting to cry. So, overwhelmed, panicked, sad, scared, angry, confused, trapped, helpless and hopeless. Feeling like I was bad all the time and deserved to die. Either feels like I'm in the apartment or in our house. Felt so alone and like no one would ever listen or understand.

Sometimes the flashbacks are an actual event. Remembering some of the arguments, getting hit, screamed at, my step-father forcing me to eat the tofu or just the anger in his face like he had with the Barbie stuff. [I'll explain this in the observation section.]

Sometimes, remember numbing out, going away, trying to disappear, etc... Happened frequently even at school, in the car, listening to music, reading, watching television, etc... Remember not knowing what was being said or losing track of my teachers or the television show...basically, like losing time. Sometimes, the suicidal thoughts would take me away. Other times, there would be nothing. Just buzzy and numb. My stomach and chest hurt. Can feel myself tearing up.

Observations: Today as I write this I find it interesting that I used the words, "I don't feel good right now," because that is what I have been saying and have not been able to be very specific. I did have a "homework" assignment with doing another Wordle about "I don't feel good." I posted as the last image on the side bar, if you want to see.

Well, up above, I said I would write about the "Barbie" stuff. I'm really not wanting to do it. Feeling a little ashamed and I know it will make it more real than I want to do right now...or maybe I want it to be more real. This memory isn't one that I repressed until this go-around in therapy. I spoke about it when I first was in therapy with Geoffrey, but that is as far as it went and there was not much else.

Okay, here goes...During the time my-stepfather and I were alone in the apartment, he only grew more violent and sadistic, at times, almost verges on torture. There was an incident when he wanted to play Monopoly, but I didn’t. I wanted to play with my Barbie’s. He began to scream at me and called me spoiled and that I need to do what he tells me to do. He pushed me to the ground and pulled my pants and underwear off and shoved one of my Barbie’s feet first into my vagina and then removed it and shoved the second one in…it felt like he was intentionally trying to hurt me and like he shoved it in as far as he could while turning it. I felt like I was going to pass out it hurt so much. I also remember the green carpet and my trying to dig my nails into it because it hurt so much. I remember the feel of the shallow pattern on my hand. Then, later on my face, I could feel the carpet.

Then, he had forced me on my stomach and began beating me with his belt. I wanted to die…felt like he was going to kill me. When my mother came home, she immediately began yelling and hitting and slapping me because my step-father had told her that I "misbehaved" that day. I was assaulted and raped by my step-father with my Barbies and then assaulted by my mother. (Okay now, I want to go away and take it all back, no one is going to believe me, shouldn't have written it, it wasn't that bad, I'm lying, etc...all going through my head.)

When I did the fingerpaintings below, my last one scared me because I felt the hopelessness which is, I think, represented by the black. Right now, I'm thinking about feeling that black hole in my chest, the one that all I can say now is, "I don't feel good."


Past journal entry from July 12, 2005. (Originally posted July 10,2008)

Geoffrey,

It has been a rough day. Beginning with this morning and bruising myself. I feel badly that I did it and that I didn't keep my promise to you that I wouldn't. I don't know. I guess I didn't fight hard enough against the impulse. Three days in a row now. Seems to help calm me down feel less anxious, overwhelmed and angry.

I wonder what is going on...some of it relieves my tension, my anger...maybe, my way of saying how hard it has been for me...maybe saying how bad or how angry I feel...or maybe how much I hurt inside...maybe all of the above.

Kind of scared because I feel a bit out of control like I can't stop. Sort of feels like I need you to tell me that you don't want me to bruise myself and that you want me to stop. There is a part of me that doesn't want to because it has a calming effect. But, I wouldn't be telling you if I didn't want to stop.

The suicidal thoughts were stronger today. I really wanted to purchase the alcohol and thought about jumping. Feeling hopeless and scared. Maybe, it would have helped to take the morning off work...the afternoon just seemed too difficult to so so...too many people involved. Kept waking up last night either tearful or panicked. Feels like I really need some sleep.

Leaving you messages today helped, so did finger painting. Still, feels like I just want to curl up and die. I've been thinking about how self-destructive my defenses are. Everything is self-attacking like you said. It is like I turn everything inward, but I've been trying to do the opposite by talking to you, leaving messages, writing, finger painting, and destroying your pillow.

Growing up everything was turned inward most of the time. Didn't let anyone know how bad it was or how angry, scared, overwhelmed, anxious, confused, alone, self-destructive, suicidal or how sad I was. I guess things were not just sad, but painful. Feels like I really defend against the painful part; however, some of my defenses are physically painful. Maybe, part of what I'm trying to say is how painful things were.

Okay, now I'm getting really buzzy and faint. Feels so much like I need to keep talking to you...in many forms. Feeling tearful...just really feels good to have you just be available and listen and understand and care about what I say and do. Sometimes, I feel like I have so much to share with you. Sometimes, I want to, but I'm always afraid to do so. Sometimes, I just want to go away. Sometimes, I just want to be able to cry with you. Feeling tearful all week. Maybe, that is some of the pressure and tension.

I feel out of control with the bruising. I can't seem to stop. I'm afraid that you will be angry. Sometimes, I wonder if I am more afraid that you'll be accepting, comforting and will stay with me. Maybe, afraid of both. Seems all so confusing. But, I think I need your help to set some limits since I seem to be having so much difficulty.

Finger painting completed during this day, 6/10/05, two picture out of three. More of the same feelings just being more focused and the rage increasing which is part of the bruising. However, finger painting is not helping me to stop from bruising.




Observations: I was obviously seriously out of control with my bruising specifically. I really could not stop. I didn't say this before, but it is assumed that during this whole time I was continuing to have flashbacks, panic attacks and disrupted sleeping even though I was taking more medication than many of my clients...and they took a lot. At this point, I still was working full time as a social worker. I was starting to fall behind a little bit at a time because I couldn't seem to focus and concentrate to complete my reports. Visits, id notes, returning calls and other forms of documentation were okay. Sometimes, my whole goal was just to be present and not "go away" during the day or panic.

Calls to Geoffrey helped as did a couple of good friends at work, but at this point most people did not know or were not supportive. I felt like I was going crazy. My supervisor was supportive and accommodating, but I was not telling her how badly things were going. I still thought that I could pull a couple of good weekends working and catch up, but I couldn't due that due to my lack of concentration and fatigue. That particular month was extremely difficult as it was the busiest month of the entire year.

I was still in therapy five days per week. If I left the from the office, it took from an hour to an hour and a half or more. If I left from the field it took an hour or so. The return trip is 45 minutes to an hour. The days were very long, but I don't know what I would have done without therapy daily. It was what helped me get through the day. Flashbacks of emotional, physical and sexual abuse continued to be intrusive and I was super hypervigilant.

This is a bit strange because as I am typing my journal entries, I am realizing how compromised I was. Yet, at the time, I thought I was handling things okay. I guess I was barely managing. It was so important to me that I be able to work because then I was "okay."

Doesn't everyone feel overwhelmed, panicked, awful, have panic attacks, inability to concentrate, injure themselves and fight suicidal thoughts all day while working full time? It was normal to me because this is how I felt most of the time growing up!! And that was without medications, this is on medications!! I'm reading what I wrote and going I was really in serious trouble and should not have been working! But, I'll deny it, if you ask!!! Even now!! I was/am just fine!!!


Past journal entry from July 12, 2005. (Originally posted July 9,2008)

Geoffrey,

I am feeling ashamed, a little sad and disappointed in myself for bruising this morning. Also, afraid to tell you as I keep thinking you are going to take away the ocassional evening check-ins saying that it didn't work last night.

I bruised twice around 3 am and 5 am. The first time I stopped, but the second time, I didn't. I used an old hairbrush with the stiff plastic bristles with the nubs previously removed, so it broke skin and hurt more. Although, I hit myself less, only about 300 times and when I took a shower I was really bleeding and it stung. I didn't mean to draw so much blood. It was like I just went into a different mode.

I also really meant it last night when I promised you I wouldn't hurt myself, but it was like I literally wasn't thinking and was on automatic pilot. The early morning hours and when I'm waking up seem to be the most difficult times. Feels like I got tired of fighting. But, I did go for almost four complete days without hurting myself. I am so afraid of your response. ~END~

These are the fingerpaintings that I did the day before on 7/12/05. I painted 5 or 6, but I am displaying only three. I am also leaving out the color chart. It is abstract art, so everyone reads into it what they see, not necessarily what I meant. I thought it would be more helpful for others to just look at it as find out what they mean to them. If you don't get anything out of it don't worry, some people are not as visual and it means nothing to them. I no longer worry about fingerpainting around my husband because he doesn't see anything but a bunch of colors on paper.







Past journal entry from July 12, 2005. (Originally posted July 10,2008)

Geoffrey,

You suggested that I write tonight about feeling that you would leave me because of my bruising...All week I've been feeling really bad about my bruising and suicidal thoughts. Talking about the suicidal thoughts and having bruised myself and continuing to do so made me really want to withdraw from you...made me scared to say anymore and even to move. Couldn't get past thinking that you were angry and was going to tell me that you couldn't see me or work with me anymore. Today, I was really afraid that you were going to yell at me or hit me.

I keep thinking that my continuing to bruise myself will make you go away or that I need to go away or die because I am bad. In my head, you are going to leave if I don't stop bruising or having the suicidal thoughts...Sometimes, I even think that you hate me and are tired of working with me. That you are sorry you began with me in the first place especially with the five days per week. Sometimes, I think you wish that I would have found a different therapist or would be relieved if I quit with you.

Sometimes, I think that my continuing to bruise myself will make you stop seeing me. Sometimes, I even think if I continue to talk about the suicidal thoughts that you will stop seeing me.

Sometimes, in my head you really do not care about me and it wouldn't matter to you if I died...sometimes, I think you would be relieved. I guess I feel like a burden or too demanding.

With my continuiting to bruise myself and having the suicidal thoughts, in my head, you are angry with me and are going to yell at me, tease me, discount me, or maybe hit me. [that is what happened to me as a child, so I am projecting it onto him along with fragmenting...only the part of me that is that small helpless, rejected child exists and I am unable to access the part of me that really knows the truth...continuing to have an extremely difficult time] I know that stuff is not based in reality, but sometimes it seems so real, like now.

Right now, I really want to curl up and die. I really want to die. Can't take the pills because they are hidden. Besides, I really want to try to keep my promises.

I really think you are tired of working with me and hate me. I don't think my crying and needing to leave while I was still crying helped...just kind of reinforced things in my head to me.

Observations: Well, obviously I was fragmenting and not doing well. Everything I did and said was bad and I was pushing away the very person that could help me. I was really scared and believed what I wrote. (All of my behavior and thought patterns are part of the BPD). It is like, there is no access to what I know to be true only an automatic reactionary CC which puts me back into feeling like a child with no resources and wanting to die like I did as a child. My thoughts, at this point, are continuing to take over. I am in trouble. Self-hatred is also a running theme during this time, but I am not sure if I was aware of it at the time. I was too busy fragmenting. This is also a huge defense about what I probably need to talk about or what is about to come up in therapy. This was such a painful time in therapy. That day I also fingerpainted. These are the first two out of four.



(What looks to be yellow is actually orange. Only red, blue, purple and orange are used in this painting)

(The color on the left top side is red and the bottom orange is streaked with red)
How about today you leave me a comment and tell me how this makes you feel or what feelings you think it expresses. Thank you!!!

Past journal entry from July 4, 2005. (Originally posted June 26, 2008)

Geoffrey,
It felt good to see you today especially since it is a holiday. It felt good to cry today. Felt some relief from the tension. Was also good to be able to talk about the suicidal thoughts and wanting to hurt myself which I haven't done in more than 72 hours. Yeah, I really don't want to start again as it become more and more difficult to stop each time. I've stopped before and I've stopped the cutting before. I can do this. I really have invested too much of me to quit.

I guess on a positive note, I have gained some weight. It really scares me as I feel a bit out of control and I want to lose weight. But, I have kept my promise of eating something everyday. But, I really don't want to gain anymore weight. The suicidal thoughts and the wanting to injure myself are really loud. I'm really scared because I know my thoughts are getting more distorted. Thinking of ways to lie to you which I absolutely promise not to do.

When you asked about what is going on now versus when I was hospitalized in 1992, it really made me realize that I'm just on that edge or maybe I am in trouble and don't want to admit it. Although the acting out isn't as bad as before, it still is really bad and scary and severe. Also, I've crossed the line with being much more concrete and specific with the plans and I've purchased things. But, I have been telling you. The other element is both the suicidal thoughts and wanting to injure myself is more intense and unrelenting. Although it was everyday before, but this time it is so much more intense and intrusive.

Hospitalization scares me as does continuing on in the way I've been. Maybe, with the time off from work, it will get better. I don't know . I 'm really scared. I wonder if you understand how scared I am. I realize, if I step back and look at it clinically, that hospitalization should have occurred a while ago. I really appreciate how you have handled it. Last weekend, I know I really pushed the limit and may have gone over it.

I'm really concerned that you won't be able to be there for me. And it is really, really important that I don't lose contact with you which is what really concerns me. The financial part does also as does returning to work and how it will effect my husband. I think, I partly feel like I've failed if I go into the hospital like something is wrong with me that I can't handle things without it being necessary.

I just want to cry...the wanting to bruise, cut, burn and the suicidal ideation keeps increasing. I just want some quiet for awhile. Growing up the suicidal thoughts were daily. It is really hard not to judge the possibility of being hospitalized again. Feels like I'm taking a step back.



Observations: It was really a good thing to be able to talk about hospitalization and all that was going on in my head. However, I was in trouble. Looking at what I told him and what was going on, he could have insisted on hospitalization, but did not. He put himself in a very disconcerting and precarious position and I'm sure his colleagues were telling him to hospitalize me. However, he was hedging his bet that I was going to let him know when I was ready for hospitalization because if it occurred before I was ready I would fight treatment and it would be unproductive. The other thing is that I would have continued to lose weight which was a concern at this point and my symptoms would over all get worse. Now, when I tell him that I appreciate the position that I put him in by the decisions that we made, he says, "thank you," with a sigh of relief.

Past journal entry from July 1, 2005. (Originally posted June 24, 2008)

Geoffrey,

...the last several days that I've bruised myself has been pretty bad. It has been quite intense with trying to really hurt myself and really inflict pain. Sometimes, I've hit hard enought to cause me to tear up and I just continue. The bruises are deep and cover a large arrea, from the back of the middle of my thigh to the top of my buttocks. The last several days that I've done it, each time I've hit myself at least 300 times or more. [Which means the day that I had three instance, I hit at least 900 times.] It hurts to sit and to put my underwear and pants on. Even hurts to lay down to sleep. I really want to stop and somtimes I am afraid I can't. Do you really understand that I have been trying to stop? [Realize now that this is how badly I was beaten at times].

I guess part of what I'm trying to tell you and me is that I'm tired of trying sometimes. That I really feel bad like I have to be punished. That I need to apologize for existing. That I'm really scared and am in much pain. That I really feel out of control. That this is how I used to cope and I am really ashamed of it. Sometimes, I wonder if you understand how really bad I feel. I wonder if you understand how long I've been hurting myself. When you said that it is common, I felt a little discounted. Like, lots of kids do this, so I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

Somethimes, it feels like when I hit myself or cut that I'm angry with me...that I really hate myself. So much rattles around in my head...it is really busy in there. So much has always gone on inside. Feels strange to write and to share it. Also, feels good to be able to do so and have you just be there to listen. But also really scares me. Feels out of control. I really want your help to get through this and I'm scared you will go away.

I really feel like crying and just want to die. I think I'm needing a little comfort, reassurance and encouragement from you. Sometimes, I really think it would not matter if I died. I guess, I'm feeling really hopeless and discouraged. Thinking of making purchases. Really wanting to bruise.






Observations: Borderline thinking all over the place and fragmenting. I think that it terrified me that I was trusting him at a new level and that I was out of control with the brusing and a part of me did not want to stop. Feeling really ashamed. There are some pre-emptive strikes such as he will go away instead of I'm going to push him away or that he will not want to work with me if I tell him what is going on.

Currently, I'm really ashamed of what I did and how badly. I'm afraid what people will think when they read it. I feel ashamed, but the whole purpose of this blog was to keep it truthful. Why do I need to keep my word on that? I don't really want to have revealed the extent and details of some of my self-injury, but I did. That means I wanted to, but the consequence of wanting to die and just delete this whole blog means that I am fragmenting. Nonetheless, I am so ashamed and want to hide and just go away. Why would someone...how could I?

I feel so raw and vulnerable right now. Should I have...I needed to...no one other than Geoffrey knows...no one, but him until now. It is too bad no one will want to visit anymore. I feel so disgusted with myself. I also feel relieved...I told...now, I'm terrified and ashamed. I want to die and really want to cut. I remember how soothing it was to cut. I rarely felt the pain once I got started only afterward and just to see and feel my own blood and the warmth of it against my skin. But, it was only temporary...I'd end up back here again wanting to die and feeling ashamed. Why is telling the truth so difficult, not just telling it, but the feelings afterward.

These fingerpaintings were completed during the time of my past journal entry of June 17/18, 2005 when my suicidal thoughts and my self-injury was/had spun out of control. Emotionally, it was a very turbulant time with lots of mixed emotions seeming to pull me in so many different directions. I wish that you could see the brightness of the colors, the movement and texture.


My fingerpaintings are abstract which also means there is no right or wrong answer in what they mean. For me, I can tell at the time what I am feeling, but today it may be different. Either way it is a way for me to express myself without harming myself. So, what you see is probably about yourself or something in me in which you identify. I hope that you see what is important to you and not my interpretation or meaning. Although, some are able to step back and look at it through my eyes.






This one feels like there is deep sadness at the core fully enclosed by rotaing pain and then there is a lot of terror moving and surrounding with hopelessness closing in.




I don't name my paintings, but this one reminds me of a hurricane and I think "Eye of the Storm." I'm in eye where it is calm and I can just be which means a tremendous amout of sadness and hopelessness surrounded by constanly moving pain, emptiness and terror.



That lavender hopeless blob, I think is me, with surrounded by tears and little bit of terror and pain (orange color is red). Then, if scared me so I crossed myself out with the terror and the pain...to not exist. Sadness and rage scare me, so when I see it in my paintings it really agitates me...got to get rid of it.



First of all, I hate pink so why I have this pink blob, which is probably me, in the middle makes no sense. What does make sense about it is my struggle with being female. Then, the whole picture is sad and tearful with bits of sadness, rage, pain, terror all over the tears. All feeling can move one to tears. Now, I feel a bit disturbed by this.


These were originally painted on June 15, 2005 and published on Clinically Clueless entry Entry: June 15, 2005 ~ 10:00 pm with the corresponding journal entry posted on June 2, 2008.

(What looks to be yellow is actually orange. Only red, blue, purple and orange are used in this painting)


(The color on the left top side is red and the bottom orange is streaked with red)

PAST JOURNAL POST
I just returned from therapy today. I did a fingerpainting and feel a little better, at least, not as self-destructive and took a PRN, at the advice, of my therapist. It was a rough session and I feel like I need to share it.

For the past several weeks, I've been returning to this flashback...now, I don't want to write it. Here goes...my step-father and his father used to tie me down to the ping-pong table unclothed in their garage with some sort of thing that raised my legs. Sometimes, two of their friends would just hold my legs up. Then, while laughing and seeming like they were at a party, James and his father would alternately beat me on the buttocks and the back of my thighs with a belt and a piece of wood. James would always use his belt and his father in this flashback used a piece of wood. They would hit so hard and so fast that it felt like I could never recover from one blow to the next. I'm not sure if I disassociated or was unconscious, at times, from the pain or both.


Today, I felt like I let myself off the hook a little bit. I've always thought it was because I wanted attention and that I trusted them which made it my fault. I needed attention because I wasn't given it and I felt guilty because they treated me nicely by purchasing things for me and taking me to amusement parks. Now, I realize that they were trying to gain my trust, so that they could abuse me. I know from a clinical stand point I knew it wasn't true, but this is one of those clueless things. I also know that they were really had severe personality disorder.


I am feeling so enraged that they would gain my trust and then abuse me in the way that they did. And, it is sinking in more that there was absolutely nothing that a four or five year old can do to fight back with four men, two being very large. It was like I didn't exist to them...I was just a toy. I hate them so much right now I just want to go hurt someone. I hate that I had no control and that I was unclothed and tied down and held down and beaten for their amusement. I am feeling so much rage which is quite unusual for me. And there is a part of me that wants comfort, but doesn't trust it.


I am also going back and forth between wanting to hurt someone and really wanting to hurt myself especially bruise and hit myself to the point where I break a bone. I am sooooo angry. Which side am I going to stay on today. I don't want to hurt myself, but it feels like I need to punish myself or get some anger out by hurting myself. I think, I'll need another PRN. I've never quite felt like this before and I don't like it. I am having a rough time.


So, that was my session and the aftermath. Here is the painting I completed...the paint is still wet and I felt like I could only do one because it was starting to escalate my feelings at the end. Only red, orange, purple and blue were used in this painting.
Color Legend:


Red=pain/anger
Orange=rage
Purple=terror
Blue/light bluish/lavender/grey=sadness, crying, tears
Black=depression, hopelessness, despair


Addendum: I just woke up from a nap and now I feel like I just want to die. I've said too much. No one is going to believe me...I don't want to believe me. Physically feeling the pain. My head hurts like I can't take it in...I don't want to take it in. I just need to die.


These fingerpaints and journal entry were originally posted on Clinically Clueless on May 27, 2008. Please visit Clinically Clueless to read the journal portion.





These fingerpaints and journal entry were originally posted on Clinically Clueless on May 26, 2008. Please visit Clinically Clueless to read the journal portion. You may also recognize the painting as part of my header for the Clinically Clueless blog. I have a picture of it with the painting for the header of Courageous Steps on the right side bar.

The colors in this one are actually darker. Looking at it today. I read it left to right and see a solid base of terror. Then, hopelessness and a bit of sadness with a lot of tears beginning to move out of it. There is also pain starting in the terror and disappearing as it moves through the picture. I don't think it is disappearing as much as it is hidden by the other emotions.


This is your brain on drugs!! No, just kidding, but that is what was jokingly going through my head. I'd rather joke then tell you what I really see. First off, the orange is actually red with only a small amount of orange in the lower right corner. I think that little funny looking thing in the middle is me curled up full of fear and sadness and surrounded first by sadness that is completely surrounded by terror with protrusions of rage, pain and terror. There seems to be a lot of movement and intense feeling in this one. I still feel unsettled by it now.
This one scares me the most because it is the most intense and filled with terror, deep sadness/emptiness, loss, pain, rage, death, dying and hopelessness. Which matches the way I've been acting out, my bruising. Acting out meaning telling you what I feel or think through my behavior instead of other means, telling you behaviorally. All behavior is a way that someone communicates a thought or a feeling, usually feeling. Speaking of that. This one feels a bit out of control and all over the place which would match how I was feeling then as indicated in both my behavior and journal entries.


The lighter orange is actually red. I think the last one scared me so much that this one became more subdued and structured. It seems like a reaction to the other one. Just more of the same feelings. I think the last one represented the most of how I was feeling at the time. In this particular case, this was one of the times that finger painting increased my anxiety and thoughts, so did not help in preventing me from bruising. (Bruising to the point of drawing blood. I have to call it bruising, for now. Just as I am having difficulty accepting my self injury, I am having difficulty accepting my painting and the feelings that I am still trying to integrate now.)

Again, I did not use any orange paint. The red looks like orange when I photograph them. Please also visit Clinically Clueless for the corresponding post entitled, "PAST JOURNAL ENTRY~October 8 & 9, 2005."







Observations: In looking at these paintings and the ones that I have not posted yet, I am including more black which I feel was an indication of my depression and hopelessness becoming deeper. And, the red is beginning to be more prominent which I feel expresses my anger and pain. I am really glad that I had fingerpainting as an outlet.

These are the fingerpaintings that go with my Past Journal Entry ~ October 1, 2005, which is posted on Clinically Clueless. Although there seems to be a lot of orange used in these paintings, I did not use any orange which should be red. The camera captured it as orange and not red.





These are the cooresponding fingerpaintings that go with the Past Journal Entry on Clinically Clueless posted. This is the middle of what was a very dark period of fingerpainting. I think that I did not want to post them. One, they were not as pretty and two, they scared me a little. I think what I am going to do is to go back through my paintings and post them here and link them to the corresponding journal entry.








If you would like to read my journal entry that goes with this please, visit by using this link.


6/4/05 ~ One of four





6/4/05 ~ Two of four




6/4/05 ~ Four of four

I don't really feel like commenting on them other than I feel at peace with these and the colors have some consistent representation.


(Picture #1 ~ I know that the purple means fear, red means pain and blue is sadness. Too me there is a swirling amount of terror that radiates out with underlying pain that burst through the terror and behind it is sadness. I think the movement of the piece is anger. I don't know what it meant then, but it is what I see now.)




(Again, same color meanings and the bright blue on the left side is actually a deep purple. I think more of the same lots of moving fear, pain and sadness. I think the pastels are tears.)

Journal Entry ~ June 30, 2005
Geoffrey,
I'm feeling bad about crying and really am wanting to act out. I'm really wanting to cut or bruise. You told me that crying is better than acting out. A part of me knows that and another part would really rath hurt myself...going away, trying to disappear is how I used to stop myself from crying. Now, it is automatic. Feel like I'm bad and am going to be punished or yelled at if I cry. I also feel bad that I'm not able to. All road lead to bad.

Yesterday was really tough with my interactions with my supervisor. Sometimes, I wish I could convey how bad it feels and how unrelenting it had been. I know my acting out only makes it worse, but sometimes knowing that I'm going to have the brief moment of relief seems worth it...the consequences don't matter. Feels like the acting out might be my way of trying to tell both of us how bad I feel, how painful everything feels. I get really tired of fighting the thoughts in my head and the desires to cut, burn or bruise. The suicidal thoughts are loud as is the desire to purchase the alcohol, lighter and razors.

I couldn't concentrate on my documentation today and I'm starting to get concerned because I am getting behind, but I can't focus and feel badly about that. Also, panicky that I'm not going to be able to handle today. I can't wait for it to be over.

I want to keep my promise to you. But, there is also a part that is just tired of fighting and wanted to give up. I'm not sleeping well. I think the anticipated demands and pressure of the day is overwhelming me and creating some panic.

Just wanting to die and hurt myself. Wanting to keep my promises and wanting to act out. I've gone 57 hours without acting out...feels good, but I feel so much pressure.

I guess, I only made it to 58 hours as I bruised before my first meeting and then afterward and then after that meeting. It was like once I broke my promise, I kept going since I couldn't go back. The third time I used a switch. Now, I'm really regretting that I began in the first place and kept going away. But, it did reduce my anxiety from yesterday and about today's meetings. I guess the day just felt really overwhelming and demanding. Also, feeling bad about my interactions with my supervisor and with crying in front of you.
The white looking areas are actual a pale blue or pale purple.




Observations: I was really trying not to bruise (beat myself like what was done to me), but I was really getting way in over my head. My coping skills were diminishing and meetings which used to be no problem create anxiety. I was really overwhelmed and stressed out by work and things that went on between my supervisor and myself. And, to cry in session was like one of the worst things I could do...still is. Again, I'm in deep trouble.

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