Entry: June 4, 2005 ~ 6:50 pm

Geoffrey,

Today has been really difficult with the wanting to cut and thinking of ways to kill myself have been really strong. Leaving messages, the tape and fingerpainting has been helpful. Feel somewhat angry about the suicidal thoughts having always been there (my whole life) and a little sad. Sometimes, I wish that you could make them go away, but I know you can't do that and neither can I for now. You do help to make it quieter though.

I really feel like I let you in a bit more this week...both talking about my anger and about being in pain. Both scare me. Also, when you talked about all the different conflicts within...they all fit and it makes me feel anxious and a bit crazy if I think about it, but I feel like there is constant tension inside.

This past week, I've been feeling like I really worked hard to be present with you and to keep talking...as a result, I'm feeling really raw and vulnerable...and like I'm trusting you at a different level. Really scared me. Also, feel a little angry, not really sure why. Also, feel like crying. The writing has been helpful in giving me a way to tell you what is going on. Felt good to talk about the option of hospitalization, but really scares me to know how comforting that sounds sometimes.

I'm glad that I told you that it felt like a relief...that I don't have to have it together...sometimes I feel so much pressure to do so especially when the suicidal thoughts and plans get loud. It is like the more out of control or intensely I feel...the more I feel like I need to have it all together. Sometimes, I feel so much pressure to do so.

I also keep going into thinking you are angry with me and don't want to see me anymore. Scared you are going to leave me in the middle of all this. Feeling bad, I guess for talking about some of what has been going on and being angry with my mother. I also really wanted to get some work done this weekend, but it doesn't seem like I'm going to. I feel so much pressure to get caught up and I have four charts due on Monday, but I don't have any done. I'm not even sure they will be done by the end of this week unless I really put lots of extra effort in which I don't feel like I have in me to do...feeling bad.

Also, had a dream last night with my stabbing James and my mother...like I used to fantasize about...maybe, part of the reason the suicidal thoughts are so loud today and the wanting to cut. I've also had images of stabbing myself which also used to be part of the fantasies.

Thinking about how angry I used to get, but not being able to talk about it...even feel...or think about...had to shut it down. I used to disappear, go away...sometimes, I would curl up and just rock...sometimes I would cry silently too. But, it was anger and a mix of other feelings. Feeling terrified, betrayed by my mother, angry that she wouldn't make it better. She just kept making it worse.

I think the cutting, suicidal thoughts and taking the Tylenol was mostly anger at my mother for taking his side...felt like it was never going to get better or just keep changing for the worse. I feel really bad that I did it out of anger...like I did something really horrible.

I'm feeling a little angry with myself for trusting you more this week. Feel like I'm bad. Also, feels kind of good to trust you. I really felt comforted by you this week...hard to trust...that and not make it bad. Hard to admit. Harder to admit that sometimes, I just want you to comfort me. Your voice helps. Also, felt comforted and safer this week when you acknowledged that you did not want me leaving feeling worse than when I came into session.

This week felt a conflict with bouncing from feeling angry to feeling really sad. Either way, I kept ending up tearful. Sometimes, it seems like if you just acknowledge that I seem like I want to cry seems like it would be helpful. Other times, I feel like I need your permission to go ahead and cry. Twice this week. I left feeling like my tears were caught in my throat.

Sort of looking forward to destroying the pillow, but really scared of how I'll feel and that I have to trust you to make is so we have time to process. I think its sounds like it would be helpful to release some of the tension that I feel...and anger...I guess it is better than cutting or killing myself. I hope that it quiets the thoughts some for the week or at least helps me feel a little better.

Observation: I don't really have much to say about this entry. I think it speaks for itself. However, something changed in me during that week. I went deeper feeling wise and I began to let Geoffrey into areas that I hadn't before which just scared me. Then, as a automatic reaction I went into bad and the borderline personality push-pull with him. Also, triggered some memories and those feelings were starting to come to the surface. The edge of the suicidal thoughts and tension was relieved by talking about hospitalization being an option. However, I cried because I really did not want to go to the hospital again...did not want to admit that I thought that I might need it, yet it was a relief because I had been thinking about it.

During this period, began a phase of absolutely needing to write and fingerpaint which I will be sharing. Again, the paintings are so personal that my husband hasn't seen them. To me they are just my raw feelings all out there which often times scared me to look at. On this particular day, I made four, but am only going to show three because the omitted one was too purposeful, so it did show what was really going on the inside.

6/4/05 ~ One of four

6/4/05 ~ Two of four

6/4/05 ~ Four of four

I don't really feel like commenting on them other than I feel at peace with these and the colors have some consistent representation.

Red=pain/anger

Orange/Yellow=rage

Purple=terror

I just happened to notice today (5/24/08) that I omitted Blue=sadness, crying, tears; The area that I am having the most difficulty with now. Hmm...wonder how I missed that one!!!

Black, Grey and dark areas=hopelessness, death, darkness