Entry: June 13, 2005 ~ 9 pm - after session

Geoffrey~

I'm feeling really anxious tonight. Wanting to die, take the pills. Really wanting to cut or bruise. But, I am determined to keep my promise of not doing so until I see you...

[This entry is directly following the session where I read my last post and we talked about my inability to stop bruising and how overwhelmed, out of control, my inability to focus and how bad the flashbacks were. He suggested that we slow down a little. Additionally, the pillow that I had been hugging for the past year and a half, I was now taking home which was a huge source of comfort. It is three years since this period and I still have it and need it.]Like a security blanket. It was my transitional object (a representation of the "good mother," a source of comfort and reassurance that Geoffrey still existed even when I couldn't hear or see him.) Geoffrey was the "good mother," my source of comfort which was and is really scary to feel.]

...Today in session, I was really anxious, but tried really hard not to go away...felt buzzy and my hands kept getting numb. I find the writing extremely helpful and although it is difficult, I like sharing it with you...feels like I often share what I may not have if it were not written down. Also, surprised by what I do write. What I shared today was really difficult and I felt so vulnerable and exposed...said somethings that I was not even aware of or could not admit to myself before.

I feel bad about slowing down a bit, but also relieved...not so much pressure. I felt so much like crying. It feels kind of stuck. I still feel like crying...I think some of it is the pressure (I really don't want to go to work tomorrow) of work and trying to manage my emotions and defenses. Also, feels sad realizing that this is how I felt everyday after the Tylenol [my overdose at 15 that I wrote about in Entry: May 29, 2005 - evening] ...felt like crying, but so much pressure not to, thinking about killing myself, the self-injury...and just generally feeling awful...just a mixture of stuff. Felt food to talk about PRT (pain, rage, terror) versus hurt, anger and fear [I had only been using the milder terms to talk about my feelings when the other ones were more accurate because I did not want to deal with the intensity. Usually, I am very exact in the words I choose which is also why using awful indicates how young my trauma began because I couldn't find any other words.] I think PRT is a more accurate description of how I felt from a very young age.

I keep wondering if you are really okay with continuing the five days per week and with being so available. I think I'm having a really difficult time not going into bad. Everything seems to make me go there even the "positive" feelings. It really feels like quite a bind that I can't get out of. Sometimes, it really feels like I need to justify existing. Not even sure I understand what that means. I'm really wanting to take the pills and bruise myself. But, I keep remembering the promise I made not to do so until I see you tomorrow.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in trouble with the suicidal thoughts, but not hospitalization trouble...or maybe it is just being on the edge. When I'm in the "fuck you" mode is when it gets scary for me because then there are not as many limits. I suppose I could leave you a message during those times as I really haven't been. I try to tough it out and shut you out which just makes the pressure worse...the like I'm going to implode...like when I took the Tylenol...I was angry and in the "fuck you" mode along with, so many other feelings.

Sometimes, I wonder if you are really okay with continuing to work with me...there it is again, "are you angry and are you going to leave." So, many conflicts within...often times quite overwhelming.

Observations: This time I viewed things in terms of borderline personality disorder one with the self-image of being bad; two, the abandonment issues; and three the extreme thinking, splitting, all or nothing. Additionally, the going away and the numbing of my extremities was part of dissociating. All evident and all out of control some. I was a mess and having difficulty not dissociating (borderline and PTSD symptoms).