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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Today: Wedding Anniversary Anxiety!!!

Well, today is my eleventh wedding anniversary. I wonder how the years flew by so quickly and who those young people are in our wedding pictures? My how much difference a decade makes. I also look back at the past five years and condemn myself because we still sleep in different rooms, I've been too overwhelmed to get a card or wrap his gifts and we are going out to eat. Now, he was really sweet and spoke with the restaurant to make sure that we had a quiet little corner and we are going during off hours. It is one of our first date spots. I can't fit into anything now. I just feel bad all around and anxious about if he will like his gifts and about dinner and about...Well, Geoffrey did not help.

Yesterday, in my session, with Geoffrey the pointed out how hard it is for me to accept that I need attention. I started to cry because it touched the empty black hole in my heart that really needed and wanted attention when I was a child and and didn't have it met. I just wanted to be noticed

Now, when I do received any type of attention, I immediately feel like I'm a bad person and think that even wanting to be noticed is a bad thing, and wanting attention is even worse. And liking it almost make me evil. Also, a part of me thinks that this is the reason why the sexual abuse occurred even though I know differently. Plus, I liked the extra attention. So now, I don't trust that it is not going to be used against me. He mentioned that the blog indicates that I want attention to be heard and I feel really bad about that, that I am doing something wrong.

This week I received a lot of attention from Go! Smell the Flowers to introducing my finger painting. I've received compliments mostly via email either liking the emotional quality or the artwork it self. To me they were just something to help express myself, no artwork by any means. Well, I had to have a therapist who was an art major and a good artist in his own right from what I hear!! He said he knew it was art to begin with, but to tell me would have changed what I was doing, besides what was I going to do with it. It is extremely hard to admit that I liked the attention and I immediately think that everything I've said is now going to be used against me. Like with the sexual abuse. Attention is also painful.

So, what in the world does that have to do with our anniversary...everything!! I feel like I'm going to burst into tears when he gives me my present...one part of me liking it, another condemning, and another hidden part hurting because it wasn't touched when it need to. A part that I never wanted revealed, so I thought.

5 comments:

Untreatable said...

Happy anniversary. I have a weird relationship with attention. There is part of me that hates it for I do not want to stand out from the crowd for when I go unnoticed I am safer (this belief is very old) but there is the other side of the scale where that false self almost needs it to survive to prove that it is worthy. I can't stand compliments for automatically my brain searches for the angle trying to figure out what the person wants. Lots of confusion.

Clueless said...

It feels like that BPD push-pull, go away-please stay situations. That which I need for survival and hate and push away. And then, I don't trust it when I receive it or think that there is a way this person is going to turn it around and use it against me. Thank you for the greeting. Have a great weekend.

Judy B said...

Happy Anniversary! I don't know if this helps but I caught the end of a documentary on depression that encouraged people with depressive disorders to blog. The documentary said that it was positive to form a support network in this way. Also it said that it was important for people in treatment to blog because it might encourage others to seek treatment. All I know is that it helps me to read the blogs of others with BPD and it helps to know I'm not alone. After all what are we here on earth for if it isn't to help each other along. Hope you had a great dinner.

catatonickid said...

Happy anniversary, in spite of its apparent challenges. Or maybe in fact because you can't/don't just take for granted that it's a happy go lucky event. You acknowledge it in a very raw but human way and that's to the good partially.

The walls we build around our hearts are so daunting and bewildering sometimes. But thank you for posting about this - I so really relate to the confusion of kindness, and feeling lost in that particular maze of emotions.

I want attention but when I get it, it's a fight not to respond with anger or depression because it's so terrifying. It's meant to be a 'reward', and one which reinforces what you're doing but so often I find the 'reward' so isn't. I experience it like a punishment more than anything, and that's hard, as you know.

I really hope it all goes well for you though!

Clueless said...

@JudyB. Interesting thing about blogging. I wonder if it was the PBS station special. I want to watch it again. I have it recorded. Nope not alone

@everyone. Thanks for the happy anniversary wishes. I think I numbed out which I think is my response to a special occassion, so I did not feel much. I was happy with my gifts and cards and could feel myself tear up, but that was all...felt like I needed a good cry. But, then I did not feel especially happy...just kind of numb. Fantastic dinner...good Italian food. I was anxious, took a PRN and was okay until it started to get noisy then I could feel myself get agitated, but just in time to go, so we had a very nice leisurely dinner from appetizer to dessert and coffee. Makes me smile!!

@CK yes, I understand. I even started a discussion in blog catalog under Mental Health group about this subject of attention...I keep coming across it in different blogs.

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