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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Between the first and second go around

So, what happened after 1993 since I am not writing anymore about it. I continued to struggle and was in therapy 2-3 times per week. I began to get better enough not to require medications or psychotherapy until I started therapy again in December 2003. Oh, I got married to a very supportive, wonderful gentle man...totally against who I should have married given my circumstances. Started a great job as a social worker.

My grandfather died who was emotionally and financially my father. Did okay for two years, but looking back I slowly sank into another Major Depressive Episode, so went back to therapy. Both Geoffrey and I were older and wiser!! Shortly after, I started therapy again, the second go around, I began to have memories of how abusive my childhood had been including neglect, emotional, physical and severe sexual abuse. Hence, the diagnosis of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder. Oh, continued to work full time and participate in psychotherapy 5 days per week. Kept up with work and everything else except for the house, cooking, shopping, laundry, etc. Thank God for my understanding husband.

Note: Now, that I have been sharing my automatic response from childhood becomes activate. It becomes activated any time I assert myself by asking for something, doing something for me or telling the truth. So, now my suicidal thoughts have increased, as have the thoughts of wanting to hurt myself, feeling like I'm bad and increased depression. However, I now know that this is just a backlash...a flashback of sorts along with my neurological automatic responses that were formed when I was young and today it allows me to separate from sinking into my feeling and thought. Not that it is easy to deal with because it does not make them go away. I'm better able to handle it now. This happens even though I am anonymous. Funny and facinating how our brain remembers and keeps those pathways.

2 comments:

catatonic said...

Wow, just a big wow - you're so strong to be able to have that perspective, and even maintaining just a little of the necessary belief in yourself in the face of such a backlash of emotion is mighty impressive. I guess it's practice, right? And as you say, lots of support to fall back on - and knowing when to use it helps too.

Clueless said...

Thanks for the comment. Being willing to reach out and accept the support is even is the best, but that is harder. I tend to push support away, but I am learning which is why I think I started this.

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