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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Entry: May 20, 2005 - 8:00 pm

Geoffrey,

I'm feeling really anxious and feel like crying. I'm having difficulty because I keep hearing my mother and James screaming at me and smelling the odors of the alcohol, cigarettes and the incense to cover up the smoke...even the smell of the exhaust from the car.

Having difficulty not seeing James' angry face and how terrified I was of him the whole time I lived with him. I keep seeing my mother coming at me to slap me. Feels like it is happening all over again. The tape and what you wrote is somewhat helpful, but I'm feeling a bit crazy. It was really bad.

2 comments:

austin said...

You've been in therapy for a long time so what I'm about to say may be something you already know. But I wanted to tell you when flashbacks get really, really strong what I TRY to do.... and I do mean try, is to start naming things in my life that are mine. The dog is mine. I didn't have him as a child. The cats are mine, I didn't have them as a child. The paintings are mine, I didn't have that when I was abused. Naming stuff that shows I'm in 2008 and an adult has helped me ground myself so as not to get totally lost in a flashback. I also say the following:

My name is ..... I'm 36 years old. I live in ..... I'm an adult and I'm safe.
From there I start naming things out loud that prove I live in my own home with my own things where my abusers do not live or control things.

Smiles to you and yours,
Austin of Sundrip Journals

(I got here via Katm's blog From Darkness to Light)

Clueless said...

Although my journal entries I'm posting are from 2005, it is still relevant now. Flashbacks remain a problem now...there is a reason that I still am in therapy! :-) Your suggestion is actually quite helpful. Made me realize that I do this to some extent, but you made me more mindful, so that I can use it more efficiently and I like how specific you get. Thank you.

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