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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Entry: June 2, 2005 ~ 6:30 pm, before session


I was looking forward all day to speaking with you...like knowing I'd get to talk to you took some pressure off...now I feel buzzy and want to go away.

The suicidal thoughts have been really strong today. When I went to pick up my prescriptions, I looked at the alcohol and considered purchasing the watermelon or peach vodka. Just the thought of dying seemed comforting...makes everything go away and quiets everything.

Went home and made some phone calls. Called my insurance company as the guy who called me yesterday directed me to call someone else in appeals...anyway I have instructions on how to request more sessions for this year. Makes me feel really anxious because I have to ask you to do something for me. Afraid you'll say, "no," or become angry. Think, maybe, I shouldn't bother asking and just leave it alone.

Did some fingerpainting...not sure what I was feeling, but became tearful and stopped myself from crying. Too wet still to share with you. Feeling like I really need to cry.

Scared about your suggestion that I destroy one of your pillows in session. I think, if would help me feel safer and help me prepare if we scheduled a time and what..I kind of like the idea of taking apart the pillow that is already falling apart. Scares me too...feel like I'm really trusting you with this. Just doing it, setting parameters. I just feel like crying, but can't.

I feel really awful today. Thinking about ways to kill myself have been really strong even during my meetings and telephone calls. Wanting to cut or burn myself too. Defense against feeling my anger? Really, feel like crying...don't know if I'm sad, angry, scared, overwhelmed or what. I just keep tearing up. Maybe, I just feel a bit of everything jumbled.

Wanting to die...just go away. Want to just curl up and cry. I guess I am feeling a little bit of everything. Reminds me of when I used to silently cry, just rocking. Didn't want anyone to hear...seems like now I'm the one afraid to hear. I just feel awful and wish I had words or understood better. I wish I could explain how badly I feel and how much I want it to stop. Wish I could help you understand better. Wish I understood better. Feeling a bit crazy...out of control.

(Picture #1 ~ I know that the purple means fear, red means pain and blue is sadness. Too me there is a swirling amount of terror that radiates out with underlying pain that burst through the terror and behind it is sadness. I think the movement of the piece is anger. I don't know what it meant then, but it is what I see now.)

(Again, same color meanings and the bright blue on the left side is actually a deep purple. I think more of the same lots of moving fear, pain and sadness. I think the pastels are tears.)

Commentary: Buzzy meant that I was beginning to "go away" or disassociate some. The suicidal thoughts were becoming more difficult to handle as they were more frequent and now intrusive. When I was younger dying was my way to feel in control. I could always kill myself if it got too bad, so it became comforting sort of. I also equate control with comfort. My insurance company, like most, just added to my stress.

I have no idea how a person who is compromised is supposed to negotiate let alone advocate for themselves. I am lucky because I can "go into work mode," and try to deal with it. They were only authorizing 30 session for the whole year even though I was receiving treatment four to five times per week and diagnosed with Moderate Major Depression, recurrent and PTSD.

Then, I needed Geoffrey to complete a Treatment Authorization for the appeal which actually terrified me to ask for anything. Like growing up I hated if I had to ask for anything. The usual response would be anger, ignoring or humiliation. So, I tried to do as much as I could myself.

I know that I was feeling really angry at this point in time as the wanting to bruise or cut was really strong and this time it was the angry wanting to cut versus the "I'm bad," or "just numb out." That was how the pillow came to be a suggestion.

The fingerpainting and writing are of great help. I discovered fingerpainting during my hospitalization in the 90s. It was a HUGE break through in allowing myself to express what was going on on the inside. It also terrified me because I did not want to see those emotions. I was also an indication of how young I was when the first trauma occurred.

At this point, Geoffrey was thinking in infancy due to the nature and severity of my symptoms and that, at times, I had no words. I am usually quite articulate and precise in my words, so when I can't explain or use vague words like awful...it is a pretty good indicator.


Unknown said...

It amazes me that your able to bring out areas from your past and then able to dissect them. I wrote through both of my hospital stays and there is no chance would I ever have the courage to post them. It is interesting to see the changes that you have made over the last three years and it is definitely inspiring to me to continue to try and move forward. Take care.

Clueless said...

Thank you!! That means a lot and is a by product of my just wanting to tell my story. My hospitalizations were in August 1992 (2 weeks) and July/August 2006 (3 1/2 weeks). I will go into the 2006 one when I get there, but right now it is obvious that I'm building toward it. Thanks for the encouragement. I really needed it this week.

Anonymous said...

First off, I really like your finger paintings. Very expressive and very well done. I can see the therapeutic side but I can also see an artist at work. I like them a lot.

Recently I've been painting nearly non-stop for the same reasons you've stated here...high anxiety, suicidal feelings and trying so hard not to cut.

My heart goes out to you because I know what you mean when you talk about not wanting to ask for anything or needing to cry but you don't. I think if I allow myself to cry I'll be okay, I'll get through this rough time but the tears just aren't coming and I get worse and worse. Why can't we let ourselves be vulnerable enough to cry? It feels like that pain will engulf me so I run as fast as I can, right to a paint brush and get it all out that way.

I'd encourage you to keep finger paintings, keep blogging, keeping on reaching out. Someone will reach back.


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