Welcome!!! Please, if you are new here, READ THIS FIRST!!! Thank You!!!

Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

All images and content are Copyright © to ClinicallyClueless. All rights to the images and all content on this site and on all ClinicallyClueless materials belong exclusively to the artist/author. No use of any content, commercial or non-commercial is permitted without written consent from the author and artist.

Disclaimer: Although I have worked with persons with mental illness for twenty years, I do not have a Master's Degree or a license. This is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care or treatment. Please obtain professional assistance from the resources listed on the right of the page, if needed. And call 911 if you or someone is in immediate danger.

A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Observation: Mother's Day

Well, it has only been five days including the weekend that I started this blog and I have twenty entries, more than half of which are not posted yet. Hmmm...makes me think. What am I defending against? I know that currently in therapy I am having a really difficult time emotionally, in that, I don't want to deal with what I'm talking about...more flashbacks and feelings of rage, pain (that doesn't even begin to describe it) and horror about what has happened to me.

Blogging, my way of running away from my feelings...not such a bad thing. Blogging also helps me not to deny what happened or how I felt and feel now. But, what I feel like most of it is...is that if I keep going at this pace it will be over soon, I get it over with. I don't have time to stop and really see what I wrote before, what happened to me and how compromised I was and am. I've always been able to fall back on over achieving. Or as Geoffrey puts it over-functioning.

Now, I don't even have that. I have my one day off from therapy today and had my annual physical scheduled, but I called and cancelled because I wanted to sleep. It is 7:30 pm and I am still in my pajamas, haven't showered, brushed my hair or teeth and have been sleeping most of the day. I am definitely not over-functioning. I have a pile of towels that need to be laundered...it has been there for a week. I have clothes everywhere dirty and clean in the bedroom on the floor and everywhere else with some of my dresser drawers open. Now, this may seem normal to some...no, I am usually quite compulsive. Everything has its place. Clothing is arranged by fabric, color, length, etc... But, it just overwhelms me. I asked my husband and he said that he would help.

Oh, I did forget to mention that I went to our family's Mother's day celebration and we were late because I kept sleeping. Slept for three and half hours afterward and slept all day the next day. I disconnected from myself meaning that I couldn't figure out how I felt or what I was thinking. Sort of like "zoning" only this is on the lower end of the continuum of disassociating. Daydreaming is maybe on the lowest end of it and multiple personalities would be on the other end. Fragmenting is sort of the same thing as disassociating. Multiples is the ultimate in fragmentation.

Oh, Mother's day, yesterday, I figured out that I did not want to go and was really disconnected since Friday. I have been feeling a bit of rage and have begun to realize that she was not really a mother to me and have been starting to ask, "where was she and how could she have allowed things to happen." I was more specific in my session, but you don't know about the details of my abuse yet, now do you? Wouldn't want to spoil my story, now? Sadly, it isn't just a story...it is the truth of my life. But, it will have a happy ending. Actually, it already does!! Have a great day!!! (I will now, stop blogging at break neck speed. Oh, I am also not bipolar, in case you were wondering.)

2 comments:

Jennifer said...

Without knowing a thing about your relationship with your mother or how you interact with her, maybe it would be good to distance yourself, to not acknowledge things like Mother's Day with a visit. That might encourage more openness -- without the need to tamp things down in order to interact civilly. Of course, it would also be a very public move.

I could be completely off base. There's nothing like advice from strangers ...

Clueless said...

Without saying the details which you will eventually know if you follow my blog, it is strained. For the past couple of years now, I have been making decisions about which family things I feel I can attend and which I do not. I did not think about it being difficult this year. And really did not know that it effected me as much as it did until Monday when I in therapy I could not explain anything. I like it when strangers are off base, but you are not off base!!! Thank you for the advice. I went a complete year without any contact with my family...very freeing, now I feel I can make a decision.

Search This Blog