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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Entry: December 20, 1993, A Child's Cry

A Child's Cry

Will somebody hear my cry
Of the pain I want to deny

My behavior and what I want to do
Says how I feel too

Learning to understand
Why I try to reject helping hands

Wanting to disappear
Sometimes, means I'm so full of fear

Wanting so much to die
Tells of a need to cry

Wanting the pain to cease
Control of my eating is what I need to release

My behavior pleads
Somebody see a child's needs

Will somebody hear the cry
Of a child wanting desperately to die

A child long so
For a father that would never go

A father who won't disappear
And cause a child to fear

Keeping all the pain inside
The child tried desperately to hide

The fear that surrounds
Sends the child hiding underground

In a closet or in a corner
The child learned to be a loner

Scared to let anyone in
Never feeling like she fit in

All alone and crying
Bit by bit she was dying

I'm so scared to see
But, I know that the child is me

So scared to move
I keep trying to prove

Pain and anger in my starving
They never heard my crying

That I don't need a father
Apathetic at times - Why bother?

Little girl wanting him to bother
Simply just be my father

Alone and afraid with nowhere to run
Now, I'm learning to have fun

Emptiness that runs so deep
Now, I'm one of the Shepard's sheep

Now safe and secure
With the Father whose love is so pure

Learning to truly receive the love
From the Father of the fatherless

The more I experience my pain
Brings intimacy with the Father again and again

I still want to bruise, burn and cut
Now, instead more often I look up

Up to the Father
Who says, "I am here!"

Without fail His Fathering
Rings music, words and arms so comforting

I once vowed that I would never reaveal this card
That life without Daddy is hard

A child's life filled with chaos
All the time feeling so lost

Rituals of sef-mutilation tried to bring structure
To a world seemingly without future

But, now hope comes through the Father
He says, "You matter."

A little girl's heart being fulfilled
As He says, "You're beautiful."

He says, "You have precious gentle heart"
I know the love of this Father will never part.

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