On Being Borderline ~ Poem

***TRIGGER WARNING***  ***TRIGGER WARNING***

I originally posted this last week, but it really wasn't finished.  I was in a rush to post it.  So, now I'm posting the most finished one.  I usually don't write poetry, but sometimes I get into this mode where my head keeps "writing," so I end up writing a poem.  The poem is in my head and writes itself, so it takes very little time except for the stuff that I add. 

ON BEING BORDERLINE

Thoughts of suicide fill my head

Too often wishing that I were dead?

Too young to have these thoughts as a child

Instead, I just smiled

Not wanting to feel rage or pain

Hopelessness continues to fill me again

Inside numbing, dissociating and dying

I vowed no one will ever see my crying

Wanting comfort, care and not to feel so alone

Unable to obtain even when she was home

I found comfort in many forms of addictions and self-abuse

Sometimes, trying other things is what I refuse

Emptiness that aches so much

But, so afraid to be touched

Never without a suicidal thought filling my head
Pain and rage is what I need to express instead

Suicide and self harm are not for attention
It means that my feelings need healthy expression

Hoplessness sometimes runs so deep
Most of the time I just cry and go to sleep

Fragmenting is so hard to manage
Sometimes, causes unwanted damage

Relationships a rollercoaster and a mess
Fear of abandoment is what makes me stress

I push those away that I want close is what I do
Then, panicking when feeling they might leave is my issue

Feelings of abandonment is constantly what I fear
From even those I know hold me dear

Too many intense feelings inside and too many thoughts in my head
Makes me want to scream and scream instead

Sometimes, emotions in such chaos and a blur
That I don’t care what I do or what occurs

Emotions and thoughts that seem to run amok
And, sometimes what I do or say indicates I don’t give a fuck

Wanting desperately for someone to completely understand
Which is something that is only in Fantasyland

Trust no one is what I learned

Remains a huge issue as I don’t want to get burned

Ambivalence is a key issue for a Borderline

I’m constantly saying I’m just fine

I see my world filled with “good” and “bad”

All the time knowing that I am bad and feel sad

I don’t know who I am you see

So I try to get you to tell me who to be

Please tell me what I feel
Because suppression is my deal

Trying to hide from everything

Including just being

When will I ever be well

Sometimes, never is what I can tell

Being Borderline really sucks

I still feel so fucked up

People tell me that I am strong

Inside I say they are wrong

Memories that still haunt me

Makes me feel that I can’t be

Trying to hide from everything

Including just being

When will I ever be well

Sometimes, never is what I can tell

Thank God for the Father above

For he is teaching me about self-love

Be courages He reminds

Sometimes, that I cannot find

He has promised to turn my mourning into dancing

At times, this I feel and other times I feel nothing

It is by faith in myself and God I must take

Even though I may feel like a fake

Your continually teaching me to trust

Even when I fuss

In Your arms, I need to be

Even when that may mean through human arms I see

© 2010 ClinicallyClueless

What else would you add?

Still Learning to "BE" ~ Healing Journey

Still Learning to "BE" ~ Healing Journey

Accepting how scared and angry,
I was at being in the hospital for pneumonia
Is something I could not face.

Flashbacks and nightmares increasing
as the month went by all because

feeling out of control and helpless
it was something I could not embrace.

I’ve already talked enough about it,
the details and even wrote a letter.
But, I continued not to feel emotionally any better.

I lived in fantasy world with everything
twisted, just to survive.
Now, to live there continues to deprive.

This I learned to slowly die as my way of being
To “be” is what I need to do and
fight back the lies I’m slowly seeing.

The lies that tell me “Don’t talk,“
“I’m okay,” “I don’t need anyone” and “I’ll be just fine.”
The constant banter in my head is not benign.

Those and other lies lead to
self-injury and other self-destructive ways
For this therapy sometimes feels like a maze.

Therapy has saved and opened my life to who I really am
Someone that deserved much more than I received
And, too often instead I was betrayed and deceived.

Now, into the Father’s arms I securely belong
In Him and others, I finally find security and comfort
But, learning to do that for myself takes much effort.

Eating Disorder ~ Not a Problem?

EATING DISORDER ~ NOT A PROBLEM?

For thirty years, it has been my struggle
To not talk about my eating disorder is the battle

At times, all so obvious for everyone to see
But, no one really asking about me

Don’t talk it isn’t that bad
Trying to make me talk just makes me mad

Don’t touch this subject because it is mine
I have control and will be just fine

I’ve surrounded it with good defenses
No one will know the self-hatred and the rages

I’m really okay and can handle it on my own
With this I just want to be left alone

I have to have control you see
Even if it is just talking about me

How easy it is to starve
Often tells me that my life was hard

Intense self-loathing and self-hatred
Tells of a heart so wounded

No one will ever know the pain
Of trying to starve again

Know one will know the thoughts in my head
That, at times, I didn’t care if it led to my being dead

Losing the weight is my focus
Yet, I knew that is just the surface

Finally talking after all these years
Makes me feel all my fears

Yet, comfort in finally sharing
With someone loving and caring

No matter my weight the feelings and thoughts always there
I think, all I ever wanted was someone just to hear

I admit it has always been an obsession
To lose weight a constant mission

So angry and feeling out of control
Meds causing me to gain weight has taken a toll

From the weight gain, my clothes are too small
I don’t enjoy shopping for new sizes at the mall

I hate that I can’t control my weight gain
I won’t admit that it has caused so much pain

My scale my friend and my enemy
The rising numbers make me feel tubby

I call myself a “beached whale”
Even if I’m not stepping on the scale

I love when the numbers decrease and I reach my goal
But, I know there is no end, but I feel so in control

My husband so sweet makes sure there is always food
Feels like he is trying to control my eating when I’m not in the mood

I think, I’m tired of constantly thinking about what I eat
For more than thirty years, I’ve tried to be discreet

Talking made everything seem so surreal
I guess, now I’m trying to be real

No one really knows what goes on in my head
Starting to talk is what I know I need to do instead

© 2008 ClinicallyClueless/CourageousSteps

"Pain of a Child Is Unheard"

Pain of a Child Is Unheard

Feelings held back from long ago
Pains through my heart like an arrow

Pretending was the key
That everything was okay with me

So much so, that I thought, I believed the lie
But, why did I always want to die

I was so young when I first became depressed
Too many major episodes I have to confess

Dissociation and numbness day by day
Conceding that it was never going to be my way

Confusion spins round and round
Hoping one day that I would be found

Wanting so much to be heard
Instead my words became awkward

Staying silent was the way for me
Deep inside to be heard was my plea

To feel such anguish from so many years
Yet, I still find it hard to find my tears

Felt overwhelmed, confusion, sadness, panic, & depression
My coping tools were repression and suppression

Defenses all tangled worked quite well
Until it came time for me to tell

Not wanting to admit that I wanted to be wanted
Yet, a deep longing to feel safe and be comforted

Feeling things now is so intense and painful
But, at least, now I am being truthful

Hurts so much that I want to die
But, it is something I don’t think I would try

The pain takes over my whole body
From my hair to my toes, I feel achy

Emptiness envelops my whole being
Makes reality hard to keep seeing

Next comes feeling hollow
Terrified that it will swallow

Then, comes the feeling that “I don’t exist”
I’m terrified that I will get missed

Lord, I know you brought me to this place
My feelings and thoughts I have to face

I just want to crawl into a corner and die
But, I know that I also want to continue to try

For healing is really what I seek
Which means the truth I have to speak

This means that I need to be me
It sounds so simple, but I just need to be

© 2008 ClinicallyClueless/CourageousSteps

Learning to Simply "Be" ~ Poetry

Learning to Simply "Be"

For decades, I didn’t want to see,
I simply didn’t want to just be.

To see the truth of my childhood,
That I never understood.

Hatred and anger that I never wanted to see,
But, yet that is still a part of me.

An emptiness that aches and says, “I don’t exist,”
Somehow, I managed my tears to be just mist.

The ache so deep makes me want to die,
But, continue to live in denial is just a lie.

One that hurts me more and more,
Instead, the tears just need to pour.

A loneliness that I tried and tried,
For myself and others to hide.

A panic that comes again and again,
My baseline, fear of everything is so ingrained.

Hopelessness that never seemed to end,
I think, I thought it to be my friend.

It’s has a twin, depression, together all the time,
These the hardest for a child to bear for a lifetime.

Just longing to be wanted felt like such a crime,
Instead, I ended up feeling like unwanted grime.

That needs to be cleaned, so not to exist,
Instead, who I am kept getting missed.

Always feeling so awful,
And, needing to be careful.

Longing for Mommy to be a place of warmth, comfort and care,
Yet, danger and violence is what feared.

I feel so alone with where I’ve been,
Yet, I feel that the Lord knows all that is within.

It is His comfort that I cling to once again,
I find warmth and comfort that I didn’t find then.

He has also provided human love that I never thought I deserved,
Yet, I so longed for comfort and love that is now preserved.

So, facing, remembering and feeling the truth of my life,
Is excruciating and painful, but hasn’t that been my life.

To face it now and not be alone,
Now, it is time for me to try to own.

©2008 ClinicallyClueless/CourageousSteps

Poem: March 27, 2003 ~ Emptiness...and Finally Hope

Emptiness...and Finally Hope

Emptiness I wish I could conceal
That this is what I really feel

Aloneness that seems to never end
I find no comfort even in a friend

Emptiness that makes me want to disappear
And feeling so much fear

Aching that feels like I'm gonna die
Sometimes now, I simply just cry

Tears of panic, rage and pain
Still, so much unexplainable shame

Feeling that deep down I'm bad
And also feeling so extremely sad

As a child feeling all alone
Especially when everyone WAS at home

Needing so much to talk
Instead, I took raging drives or lonely walks

Needing someone to listen and understand
Instead, I'd run and now I really want to stand

So hard to simply just sit
Somehow, I'm afraid of getting hit

Abandonment is such an overwhelming fear
I'm so afraid to let anyone near

Isolation has become a familiar friend
A sure way for my life to end

Alone rocking in a corner being numb
At times, even chewing on my thumb

Now, it is time to walk
And I want to talk

Anxiety the pressure on my chest
Sometimes, I just want to rest

Again, restful sleep does not come easily
Unknown nightmare are coming too readily

Memories again filling my head
Not as often do I wish I were dead

Kelly's world of pain
Triggered memories of my own shame

The temptation to control my weight
It is my body that I hate

Laxatives and diet pills
Is a way for me to kill

Killing the feelings that threaten to come up
One of my ways used to be throwing up

Starving a way to control
Lord, help me to continue to let go

I know that this really isn't my true struggle
And it is the killing of my feelings that gets me into trouble

Burning, bruising and cutting are no longer comforting friends
The strong temptation I want to end

Able to bring some of this to the Cross
Brings feelings of great loss

Nothing really left to gain
In my world of self-inflicted pain

Although the temptations are still there
I'm learning to turn to those who care

Panic comes again and again
I know others want me to win

Out of control is how I feel
But, I am becoming real

Learning more to safely cope
Especially from the Father who has given me tremendous hope

In You, I'm learning to be a daughter
As I allow You to Father

You've lifted me from so much hopelessness
Especially as I've allowed You to be the "Father of the Fatherless"

Extremely shaky inside
Yet, learing to stand with You by my side

At times, feeling really terrified
In my healing, I want the Lord to be glorified

My feelings I discover
As I allow You to uncover

Through all the feelings including pain
Intimacy with You is what I continue to gain

Bringing my little girl to Jesus' arms
There I'm learning to trust that there is never any harm

I your arms, safe and secure
I know this is part of Your "cure"

In Your presence, I've found peace and calm
And the figt of Your healing soothing balm

So much healing already ocmpleted
Reminds me of Your promises I need repeated

Your Word says, "I will not forget you."
Claiming this is what I need to continually do

So many blessings on my life You've poured
Seeing You glorified is such a tremendous reward

The emptiness only You can fill
I need to continue to exercise my will

When I want to disappear
It's Your voice I need to hear

Lord, I'm so full of fear
Continue to draw me near

Nothing really left to hold
But, Jesus no matter how old.

Poem: "A Child's Cry" ~ December 20, 1993

A Child's Cry

Will somebody hear my cry
Of the pain I want to deny

My behavior and what I want to do
Says how I feel too

Learning to understand
Why I try to reject helping hands

Wanting to disappear
Sometimes, means I'm so full of fear

Wanting so much to die
Tells of a need to cry

Wanting the pain to cease
Control of my eating is what I need to release

My behavior pleads
Somebody see a child's needs

Will somebody hear the cry
Of a child wanting desperately to die

A child long so
For a father that would never go

A father who won't disappear
And cause a child to fear

Keeping all the pain inside
The child tried desperately to hide

The fear that surrounds
Sends the child hiding underground

In a closet or in a corner
The child learned to be a loner

Scared to let anyone in
Never feeling like she fit in

All alone and crying
Bit by bit she was dying

I'm so scared to see
But, I know that the child is me

So scared to move
I keep trying to prove

Pain and anger in my starving
They never heard my crying

That I don't need a father
Apathetic at times - Why bother?

Little girl wanting him to bother
Simply just be my father

Alone and afraid with nowhere to run
Now, I'm learning to have fun

Emptiness that runs so deep
Now, I'm one of the Shepard's sheep

Now safe and secure
With the Father whose love is so pure

Learning to truly receive the love
From the Father of the fatherless

The more I experience my pain
Brings intimacy with the Father again and again

I still want to bruise, burn and cut
Now, instead more often I look up

Up to the Father
Who says, "I am here!"

Without fail His Fathering
Rings music, words and arms so comforting

I once vowed that I would never reaveal this card
That life without Daddy is hard

A child's life filled with chaos
All the time feeling so lost

Rituals of sef-mutilation tried to bring structure
To a world seemingly without future

But, now hope comes through the Father
He says, "You matter."

A little girl's heart being fulfilled
As He says, "You're beautiful."

He says, "You have precious gentle heart"
I know the love of this Father will never part.

1993 clinically clueless

Poem: "Running" ~ December 18, 1991

Running

Lord, do you really understand
How much I need Your loving hand?

To guide and to hold
Don't ever let go

I hurt so much now
I don't know how

I'll ever get thru
without You

I know that it is this I try
Without You to get by

Do You really know how much I wish I would die
So, that I don't have to cry

I feel like such a child
That wants to run wild

I want to scream and scream
And scream and scream

No words that I know
I guess this is my way to show

How angry and hurt
Sometimes, I feel like dirt

So filthy and dirty
I wonder if I'lll ever feel pretty

I feel so utterly hopeless
No end to this emptiness

It is so dark and so cold
Feels as if there is no one to hold

Jesus, I know You are there
I need to feel Your loving care

To lead me into Your light
Please, hold me tight

Don't ever let go
I'm afraid You will You know

Warmth and connection I fear the most
Sometimes, I'd like to run to a different coast

My way is to run and run and run
Will I ever stop and learn to have fun

I want to push everyone away
And I want them to stay

Trusting Geoffrey is hard
Will I ever reveal the card

That says, "I love and I care."
Do I even dare?

Could this be the root of my running
From the session so accepting

Of my anger and hurt toward him
Do I continue to let him in?

Or do I run and hide
Expecting to be rescued and for him to come to my side

Instead, I could come out
And talk to find what this is about

Feelings so intense
I feel like such a mess

Sometimes I feel so alone
that I just want to go Home

1991 clinicallyclueless

Entry: March 27, 1993, Emptiness...and Finally Hope

Emptiness...and Finally Hope

Emptiness I wish I could conceal
That this is what I really feel

Aloneness that seems to never end
I find no comfort even in a friend

Emptiness that makes me want to disappear
And feeling so much fear

Aching that feels like I'm gonna die
Sometimes now, I simply just cry

Tears of panic, rage and pain
Still, so much unexplainable shame

Feeling that deep down I'm bad
And also feeling so extremely sad

As a child feeling all alone
Especially when everyone WAS at home

Needing so much to talk
Instead, I took raging drives or lonely walks

Needing someone to listen and understand
Instead, I'd run and now I really want to stand

So hard to simply just sit
Somehow, I'm afraid of getting hit

Abandonment is such an overwhelming fear
I'm so afraid to let anyone near

Isolation has become a familiar friend
A sure way for my life to end

Alone rocking in a corner being numb
At times, even chewing on my thumb

Now, it is time to walk
And I want to talk

Anxiety the pressure on my chest
Sometimes, I just want to rest

Again, restful sleep does not come easily
Unknown nightmare are coming too readily

Memories again filling my head
Not as often do I wish I were dead

Kelly's world of pain
Triggered memories of my own shame

The temptation to control my weight
It is my body that I hate

Laxatives and diet pills
Is a way for me to kill

Killing the feelings that threaten to come up
One of my ways used to be throwing up

Starving a way to control
Lord, help me to continue to let go

I know that this really isn't my true struggle
And it is the killing of my feelings that gets me into trouble

Burning, bruising and cutting are no longer comforting friends
The strong temptation I want to end

Able to bring some of this to the Cross
Brings feelings of great loss

Nothing really left to gain
In my world of self-inflicted pain

Although the temptations are still there
I'm learning to turn to those who care

Panic comes again and again
I know others want me to win

Out of control is how I feel
But, I am becoming real

Learning more to safely cope
Especially from the Father who has given me tremendous hope

In You, I'm learning to be a daughter
As I allow You to Father

You've lifted me from so much hopelessness
Especially as I've allowed You to be the "Father of the Fatherless"

Extremely shaky inside
Yet, learing to stand with You by my side

At times, feeling really terrified
In my healing, I want the Lord to be glorified

My feelings I discover
As I allow You to uncover

Through all the feelings including pain
Intimacy with You is what I continue to gain

Bringing my little girl to Jesus' arms
There I'm learning to trust that there is never any harm

I your arms, safe and secure
I know this is part of Your "cure"

In Your presence, I've found peace and calm
And the figt of Your healing soothing balm

So much healing already ocmpleted
Reminds me of Your promises I need repeated

Your Word says, "I will not forget you."
Claiming this is what I need to continually do

So many blessings on my life You've poured
Seeing You glorified is such a tremendous reward

The emptiness only You can fill
I need to continue to exercise my will

When I want to disappear
It's Your voice I need to hear

Lord, I'm so full of fear
Continue to draw me near

Nothing really left to hold
But, Jesus no matter how old.

Entry: December 20, 1993, A Child's Cry

A Child's Cry

Will somebody hear my cry
Of the pain I want to deny

My behavior and what I want to do
Says how I feel too

Learning to understand
Why I try to reject helping hands

Wanting to disappear
Sometimes, means I'm so full of fear

Wanting so much to die
Tells of a need to cry

Wanting the pain to cease
Control of my eating is what I need to release

My behavior pleads
Somebody see a child's needs

Will somebody hear the cry
Of a child wanting desperately to die

A child long so
For a father that would never go

A father who won't disappear
And cause a child to fear

Keeping all the pain inside
The child tried desperately to hide

The fear that surrounds
Sends the child hiding underground

In a closet or in a corner
The child learned to be a loner

Scared to let anyone in
Never feeling like she fit in

All alone and crying
Bit by bit she was dying

I'm so scared to see
But, I know that the child is me

So scared to move
I keep trying to prove

Pain and anger in my starving
They never heard my crying

That I don't need a father
Apathetic at times - Why bother?

Little girl wanting him to bother
Simply just be my father

Alone and afraid with nowhere to run
Now, I'm learning to have fun

Emptiness that runs so deep
Now, I'm one of the Shepard's sheep

Now safe and secure
With the Father whose love is so pure

Learning to truly receive the love
From the Father of the fatherless

The more I experience my pain
Brings intimacy with the Father again and again

I still want to bruise, burn and cut
Now, instead more often I look up

Up to the Father
Who says, "I am here!"

Without fail His Fathering
Rings music, words and arms so comforting

I once vowed that I would never reaveal this card
That life without Daddy is hard

A child's life filled with chaos
All the time feeling so lost

Rituals of sef-mutilation tried to bring structure
To a world seemingly without future

But, now hope comes through the Father
He says, "You matter."

A little girl's heart being fulfilled
As He says, "You're beautiful."

He says, "You have precious gentle heart"
I know the love of this Father will never part.

Entry: December 18 1991, Running

Running

Lord, do you really understand
How much I need Your loving hand?

To guide and to hold
Don't ever let go

I hurt so much now
I don't know how

I'll ever get thru
without You

I know that it is this I try
Without You to get by

Do You really know how much I wish I would die
So, that I don't have to cry

I feel like such a child
That wants to run wild

I want to scream and scream
And scream and scream

No words that I know
I guess this is my way to show

How angry and hurt
Sometimes, I feel like dirt

So filthy and dirty
I wonder if I'lll ever feel prestty

I feel so utterly hopeless
No end to this emptiness

It is so dark and so cold
Feels as if there is no one to hold

Jesus, I know You are there
I need to feel Your loving care

To lead me into Your light
Please, hold me tight

Don't ever let go
I'm afraid You will You know

Warmth and connection I fear the most
Sometimes, I'd like to run to a different coast

My way is to run and run and run
Will I ever stop and learn to have fun

I want to push everyone away
And I want them to stay

Trusting Geoffrey is hard
Will I ever reveal the card

That says, "I love and I care."
Do I even dare?

Could this be the root of my running
From the session so accepting

Of my anger and hurt toward him
Do I continue to let him in?

Or do I run and hide
Expecting to be rescued and for him to come to my side

Instead, I could come out
And talk to find what this is about

Feelings so intense
I feel like such a mess

Sometimes I feel so alone
that I just want to go Home

Entry: December 1, 1991, Giving Up

Giving Up

If I had a gun, I'd put it to my head
I'd pull the trigger and I'd be dead

Lately, I wish I could die,
But, I know that it is just a lie

I think of dying in my car
But, I've come too far

To throw it all away
I hurt so much is what I need to really say

Healing seems so far away
I'd like to die today

Loneliness and emptiness--there seems to be no relief
God is always there is my belief

Lately, I'd rather die
Then, continue to fight this lie

Does anyone...Do I really understand
How much I need a helping hand

I think I hide so very well
It is hard for others to tell

My dark empty corner seems so safe and secure
Yet, I know reaching out is part of the cure

Sometimes, I don't know why I cry
When tears come, I don't want to continue to try

Feel like giving up
Feels like I've had enough

Lord, I really do need You to hold me
Your love and grace is what I want to see

I'm afraid You won't be near
When I really need You here

I want to rest in Your arms
But, I'm so afraid of harm

I know it is only Your grace
That has safely brought me to this place

I want to allow Your love in
But, sometimes I don't feel like I fit in

I know You understand
And, You have a better plan

I feel so hopeless right now
I need You to show me how

To connect with You and others is my struggle
Help me to stay out of trouble

Focusing on You is what I really need to do
But, thoughts of death fill my head too

I feel so empty inside
Will You please walk by my side

I need Your help to move
I forget that I don't need to prove

That I have it all together
(This does not even matter)

Admitting my deep need for You
Is something I seldom do

I need You to hold me
This is where I need to be

Inside I feel so very sick
I know I need to take a risk

I don't want to continue to hide
I want to stay by Your side

I know that You care
Especially when I despair

Cutting gives release
When I really need your peace

To You I want to turn
Especially, when I'd rather burn

It's You I want to choose
Even when I want to bruise

I wish I had no scars
I thank You for healing me this far

Continue to hold me tight
Even when I try to fight

Increase a desire to live
I want to be able to give

I love You so much
Even when I want to give up