Pain of a Child Is Unheard
Feelings held back from long ago
Pains through my heart like an arrow
Pretending was the key
That everything was okay with me
So much so, that I thought, I believed the lie
But, why did I always want to die
I was so young when I first became depressed
Too many major episodes I have to confess
Dissociation and numbness day by day
Conceding that it was never going to be my way
Confusion spins round and round
Hoping one day that I would be found
Wanting so much to be heard
Instead my words became awkward
Staying silent was the way for me
Deep inside to be heard was my plea
To feel such anguish from so many years
Yet, I still find it hard to find my tears
Felt overwhelmed, confusion, sadness, panic, & depression
My coping tools were repression and suppression
Defenses all tangled worked quite well
Until it came time for me to tell
Not wanting to admit that I wanted to be wanted
Yet, a deep longing to feel safe and be comforted
Feeling things now is so intense and painful
But, at least, now I am being truthful
Hurts so much that I want to die
But, it is something I don’t think I would try
The pain takes over my whole body
From my hair to my toes, I feel achy
Emptiness envelops my whole being
Makes reality hard to keep seeing
Next comes feeling hollow
Terrified that it will swallow
Then, comes the feeling that “I don’t exist”
I’m terrified that I will get missed
Lord, I know you brought me to this place
My feelings and thoughts I have to face
I just want to crawl into a corner and die
But, I know that I also want to continue to try
For healing is really what I seek
Which means the truth I have to speak
This means that I need to be me
It sounds so simple, but I just need to be
Feelings held back from long ago
Pains through my heart like an arrow
Pretending was the key
That everything was okay with me
So much so, that I thought, I believed the lie
But, why did I always want to die
I was so young when I first became depressed
Too many major episodes I have to confess
Dissociation and numbness day by day
Conceding that it was never going to be my way
Confusion spins round and round
Hoping one day that I would be found
Wanting so much to be heard
Instead my words became awkward
Staying silent was the way for me
Deep inside to be heard was my plea
To feel such anguish from so many years
Yet, I still find it hard to find my tears
Felt overwhelmed, confusion, sadness, panic, & depression
My coping tools were repression and suppression
Defenses all tangled worked quite well
Until it came time for me to tell
Not wanting to admit that I wanted to be wanted
Yet, a deep longing to feel safe and be comforted
Feeling things now is so intense and painful
But, at least, now I am being truthful
Hurts so much that I want to die
But, it is something I don’t think I would try
The pain takes over my whole body
From my hair to my toes, I feel achy
Emptiness envelops my whole being
Makes reality hard to keep seeing
Next comes feeling hollow
Terrified that it will swallow
Then, comes the feeling that “I don’t exist”
I’m terrified that I will get missed
Lord, I know you brought me to this place
My feelings and thoughts I have to face
I just want to crawl into a corner and die
But, I know that I also want to continue to try
For healing is really what I seek
Which means the truth I have to speak
This means that I need to be me
It sounds so simple, but I just need to be
© 2008 ClinicallyClueless/CourageousSteps
9 comments:
Thank you. <3 BL
@Border Life. You are welcome.
I have been reading a lot of older posts on your blog today and my gawd you are a wonderful writer! Not only that, you have so much courage and determination and I admire you so very much.
You are such a wonderful soul and I am so happy to know you in this blogosphere.
*hugs*
On the spot and so well done.
@Chunks of Reality. Thank you so much. I'm glad that I found you too.
@Immi. Thank you!!
CC--
That was a powerful poem--and it reminded me of a piece I wrote many years ago. In fact, I have this old satchel filled with old letters, poems, lyrics, etc that my mother had saved for me and I plan to use some of these pieces as preludes to the various chapters of my book. This poem brought back memories of this one particular set of lyrics/poetry that I wrote--and perhaps I will share it on my blog one of these days. You really do have some great artistic gifts, CC--
Take care (and hugs),
Melinda
Great post CC.
Lovely work in the poetry.
And every time I read something like this from you, it makes me so angry. Thinking of you as such a young child and having no defenses, no way to understand...
I'm really glad you found your fairy-tale hubby - you really deserve him and all the good things in the world for making it this far and surviving.
*hugs*
@Melinda. Thank you. I would love to read your stuff. I've only written a handful of poetry in my life. Besides this batch, it has been 15 years.
@Svasti. Thank you!!! Thank you for the hugs.
*hugs*
beautiful.... thanks for sharing! :)
Post a Comment