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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Monday, December 1, 2008

"Pain of a Child Is Unheard"

Pain of a Child Is Unheard

Feelings held back from long ago
Pains through my heart like an arrow

Pretending was the key
That everything was okay with me

So much so, that I thought, I believed the lie
But, why did I always want to die

I was so young when I first became depressed
Too many major episodes I have to confess

Dissociation and numbness day by day
Conceding that it was never going to be my way

Confusion spins round and round
Hoping one day that I would be found

Wanting so much to be heard
Instead my words became awkward

Staying silent was the way for me
Deep inside to be heard was my plea

To feel such anguish from so many years
Yet, I still find it hard to find my tears

Felt overwhelmed, confusion, sadness, panic, & depression
My coping tools were repression and suppression

Defenses all tangled worked quite well
Until it came time for me to tell

Not wanting to admit that I wanted to be wanted
Yet, a deep longing to feel safe and be comforted

Feeling things now is so intense and painful
But, at least, now I am being truthful

Hurts so much that I want to die
But, it is something I don’t think I would try

The pain takes over my whole body
From my hair to my toes, I feel achy

Emptiness envelops my whole being
Makes reality hard to keep seeing

Next comes feeling hollow
Terrified that it will swallow

Then, comes the feeling that “I don’t exist”
I’m terrified that I will get missed

Lord, I know you brought me to this place
My feelings and thoughts I have to face

I just want to crawl into a corner and die
But, I know that I also want to continue to try

For healing is really what I seek
Which means the truth I have to speak

This means that I need to be me
It sounds so simple, but I just need to be



© 2008 ClinicallyClueless/CourageousSteps

9 comments:

Border Life said...

Thank you. <3 BL

Clueless said...

@Border Life. You are welcome.

Chunks of Reality said...

I have been reading a lot of older posts on your blog today and my gawd you are a wonderful writer! Not only that, you have so much courage and determination and I admire you so very much.

You are such a wonderful soul and I am so happy to know you in this blogosphere.

*hugs*

Immi said...

On the spot and so well done.

Clueless said...

@Chunks of Reality. Thank you so much. I'm glad that I found you too.

@Immi. Thank you!!

Melinda said...

CC--

That was a powerful poem--and it reminded me of a piece I wrote many years ago. In fact, I have this old satchel filled with old letters, poems, lyrics, etc that my mother had saved for me and I plan to use some of these pieces as preludes to the various chapters of my book. This poem brought back memories of this one particular set of lyrics/poetry that I wrote--and perhaps I will share it on my blog one of these days. You really do have some great artistic gifts, CC--

Take care (and hugs),

Melinda

svasti said...

Great post CC.

Lovely work in the poetry.

And every time I read something like this from you, it makes me so angry. Thinking of you as such a young child and having no defenses, no way to understand...

I'm really glad you found your fairy-tale hubby - you really deserve him and all the good things in the world for making it this far and surviving.

*hugs*

Clueless said...

@Melinda. Thank you. I would love to read your stuff. I've only written a handful of poetry in my life. Besides this batch, it has been 15 years.

@Svasti. Thank you!!! Thank you for the hugs.
*hugs*

Vague said...

beautiful.... thanks for sharing! :)

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