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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

"Unwanted" ~ Christmas Grieving!

"Most, if not all, borderline behaviour is driven directly or indirectly by fear of abandonment and the fear of re-experiencing the intolerable pain of your original core wound of abandonment. What feels like it keeps happening to you, is in fact, a triggered, dissociative, regressed re-experiencing of what initially happened to you in the very early and formative developmental years of your life." (A.J. Mahari, Borderline Personality Disorder Inside Out: A.J. Mahari unravels the mysteries of Borderline Personality Disorder)

I thought that I would open with this quote which I have used before because it helps explain why this Christmas season is more difficult that previous ones. First, I figured out that I really missed my Grandfather who passed away in March 2002 which led into this major depressive episode. Yesterday, I told my therapist that I felt like I was grieving.

Then, I realized that my Grandfather was the only one who really wanted me and looked forward to seeing me. My mother probably did, at times, but not enough. This led into my not wanting to see my mother in this light and accepting it more.

So although there are parts of Christmas that I am looking forward to, I am grieving. It is touching that emptiness, the hollow feeling inside that is inconsolable and wants to die. Touches and lets go of what never was and will never be. An ache so deep I can feel it in my bones and from my hair to my toes.

We also talked about doing something different, so that my mother doesn't end up dictating my experience. I so don't want to do anything different. It was funny how we went in a circle from beginning the session with I don't want to talk about doing anything different on Christmas to I need to do something different. And, I'm the one that made the circle!!! Sheesh!!

So, 'tis the season to be grieving and facing reality and giving up fantasies. However, my stocking is still full and the tree is filled with gifts. For the most part, I have a good life. But, it hurts like h**l right now and also is filled with love.

"Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat."

“Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.” Both quotes from Mother Teresa of Calcutta


Wandering Coyote said...

Yes, it's a difficult time for a lot of us, isn't it? I feel it is a season of grieving for me as well...

Mike Golch said...

I celebvrat the Birth of our Lord,I also miss Mom and Dad a lot at this time of the year.

The Ruminating Rocker said...

Thanks for sharing those Mother Teresa quotes. I have always felt that lonliness is the most painful experience one can have.

Janine Kain said...

Oh boy do those quotes resonate.

jumpinginpuddles said...

Abandonment also rises its huge head for us at xmas, we can only send you safe warmth and know we do truly understand

Anonymous said...

Hi, I am glad I stumbled on your blog. I am bipolar. Like you, I have been in therapy most of my adult life. My long kept therapist just moved away so I am seeing someone new. I have been in both CBT and EDM over the years. Suicidal thoughts have plagued me and I have been tossed from extreme depression to unruly anxiety and then to mania. I understand so greatly how your life is a miracle. I believe mine is too.

Border Life said...

Sorry for your grief. Thank you for the Mother Theresa quotes. Sometimes I berate myself for feeling as badly as I do since I have a roof over my head and food in my belly. These help.

jeff said...

yes. i understand that quote very well. i spent the first two years of my life being shuffled from one foster home to another. Yet, I never understood the affect this would have on my life as the people that finally adopted me filled my life so full of theirs, I could barely keep up with them, less my own confusion. Then when my adopted mom passed away last thanksgiving, my dad was gone 11 years by then, the wounds opened up. This year I am just now beginning to discover my truth. 50 years after being adopted! Hope I have enough time to figure it out so I can be who I really am for a period of time.
Christ is my father now. And I have to stay focused on Him constantly to keep from falling back into the abyss of my unknown self. I pray that for you and everyone here. And know, that Christmas really is for the grieving and the lonely. Christ came into the world not for the healthy and fulfilled, but for us. So that when no flesh will wrap their lives around us, His warm spirit of love will. Something like that anyway.

Clueless said...

Sorry, everyone, but I will respond tomorrow...I'm sick and need to go to bed. I really appreciate all the comments and want to give each one of you your own response.


Rising Rainbow said...

I always feel a little sadness during the holidays. Seems like there are "happy family stories" everywhere. It's hard not to feel a bit saddened by never having experienced such a thing.

Clueless said...

@Coyote. Yes, I am sorry, but I hope you don't feel so alone...I don't.

@Mike. Yes, it is hard as you get older and lose people. I am sorry. Have a Merry CHRISTmas.

@Sha-Sha. I actually think aloneness is. Loniness to me means that someone is there to miss. Aloneness means that there is no one. I felt alone a lot. I am sorry and glad that you could relate and thank you so much for visiting my blog.

@Jackal. Yes!

@JIP. Thank you. *warm gentle hugs to you!*

@Lizzie. Thank you for sharing a little bit about your life and visiting my blog. It feels good not to be alone. Here is to miracles!!! Appropriate for the season, huh?

@Border Life. You cannot ever compare pain. Pain is pain. I hope the quotes continue to help you not be so hard on yourself.

@Jeff. How painful. I think, I quoted Isaiah 49:15-16 to you I have found much comfort in these verses knowing that I was not wanted. Also, that God is the only one who can create the miracle of life, so he wanted me.

Yes, I belive God will fill that emptiness/void, but you also have to feel the pain first. For that I am sorry.

Praying that you have a wonderful Christmas filled with love and surprises. Merry Christmas, Jeff!! (((Jeff)))

@Rising Rainbow. I'm trying hard to find those happy moments even though the unhappy ones are far greater than the happy ones. (((Rising Rainbow))) Take care!!

Immi said...

Grief rears its head at the most difficult times. *sending you hugs CC*

Wandering Coyote said...

You know, I'm not feeling so alone this time around. I'm looking forward to creating a new experience for myself.

jeff said...

CC, you are a blessing. Merry Christmas.

Clueless said...

@Immi. Of course, when else is better! :-P

@Wandering Coyote. I think it can be both. Acknowleged the grief and create new experiences. I'm trying this year to do that.

@Jeff. Thank you and may God hold you in his arms tightly surrounding you with comfort, love and joy. You are also a blessing to me. Merry Christmas.

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