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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

A little bit better

Hello Everybody,

For the first time since That Monday, I am doing a little better. I really don't want to share this, but I hope it will help others understand what can happen in therapy and with therapeutic impasses, where you feel like you and your therapist are in a struggle or your angry or hurt my by your therapist. I want you to know that this is normal, growth producing and that therapists aren't really perfect. Nor are they mind readers.

Since That Monday, almost a month ago, my symptoms were getting worse despite anything my therapist or I would do. I just felt angry and couldn't get over it and it just didn't feel right with him. It was like I no longer trusted him for not attending to me better on that day. I knew that I had to talk about it, but all of my defenses went up including terminating therapy. I also would become defensive to anything he would say, I mean anything. I also took everything as criticism.

I was a doing a lot of projection and transference and generally just felt ungrounded, scattered and unable to focus. I am still doing that, but not as badly. I also am still above baseline for depression, suicidal thoughts and hopelessness. Feeling empty, hollow and like I want to die are still there. However, the intensity of everything is better.

I knew that the only way that I was going to feel better was to talk to my therapist, but I was scared that he wouldn't be there for me or be critical. During this time period, I had two regularly scheduled session's with my psychiatrist who kept encouraging me to talk to my therapist. I feel really blessed that he actually does therapy with me and that I allow him to.

This past Tuesday really helped as I was able to say some of the things that I needed to say to my therapist. Also, I spoke with my therapist on Monday which did not go well, but he encouraged me to try to make a choice and talk to him.

So, yesterday I went to session trying to remember to just talk and not go away. Well, I got there, sat down, and said, "I don't know what to say." LOL!! Anyway, he just let me ramble and as I rambled. I made a connection between what was happening between he and I and with my mother and I. I burst into tears. I was able in my mind to keep both of us in the room and it felt like I was crying on his shoulder. I actually felt comforted. We talked about the connections with my mother.

Then, he apologized for missing me (not being aware). He explained that basically he did not realize how much That Monday effected me. He said that he put my behavior in the category of defense, but that wasn't it. I actually became disorganized and so I couldn't do what he was asking or what I was trying to do until we reconnected which is what happened yesterday.

It kicked up so much about being abandoned or ignored by my parents and that there was nothing I could do then or now especially with my mother to make her acknowledge me. All the intensity of the feelings I've been having was related to that and I know there is more. I still feel depressed, empty, hollow, suicidal, hopeless, etc. (Those are also the feeling that I had growing up, but didn't allow myself to feel.) However, it isn't as intense and I have a tiny bit of hope which feels good. The key was really focusing on telling him what I was thinking and feeing.


Wandering Coyote said...

Wow - what a process. But I'm glad it led you to a better place.

Anonymous said...

I'm proud of you.

You are an amazing woman.

One foot in front of the other, one hour at a time, one day at a time.


Chunks of Reality said...

I am really proud of you for going through that and talking. Don't feel that you aren't progressing because you definitely are.


Anonymous said...

CC, I just want to tell you that you have my support also. You are an amazing and courageous person--and your journey will end it happiness if you continue along your path.

Take care, friend--


Van said...

It's amazing to see what simply talking can do. I love those moments where you just "see" what is happening - where it all falls into place.

I'm happy to see you made progress.


Laura said...

((((((( CC )))))))

Clueless said...

@coyote. Yes, what a process therapy can be.

@Ash. Thank you. One minute at a time. Or moment.

@Chunks of reality. Thank you.

@Melinda. Thank you! I just wish it were easier.

@Van. Yes. It sounds simple, but it isn't. It was worth it.

@Drifter. Thanks (((Drifter)))

J said...

I'm glad you were able to get through that terrifying experience. I can only imagine the mental and emotional strain that all of this was putting on you. I commend you for your courage!

Border Life said...

Thank you for sharing.This was very useful to me. I'm glad things are back on track with your therapist. <3 BL

Tamara (TC) Staples said...


Good for you for hanging in and continuing to talk and explore your feelings until you both could understand what was happening. I know it isn't easy but you have proved time and time again how strong you are.


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