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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

I'm really distressed!!!

I had posted my post on Major Depressive Disorder a good while ago on another site. Today, I received a comment that has me really agitated, distressed and questioning my sense of reality. I've been having difficulty anyway as you know if you have been following my blog. This has just really made it more difficult and feel like people don't believe me. I've already been in the I want to die mode and this just made it worse. Don't worry because I am not going to act on it.

This is the comment: Did you ever check in with your therapist to see how many of his clients reported experiencing sexual abuse? If there are a lot of them, question whether your memories are real. I do not mean to be provocative, but many therapists - with very good intentions - encourage "remembering" abuse, even sadistic sexual abuse, because they believe that that is the cause of mental health problems, when in fact no abuse happened. I hope this comment is okay to make.

This is my response: This is only an okay comment to make if you have read my blog both on this site and my main blog, http://clinicallyclueless.blogspot.com/. You don't know me or my therapist to make this type of judgement or evaluation of my situation. I already have a difficult enough time believing that I was abused and now I am extremely distressed. I hope that you don't go around making comments like this unless you know the person, history, background and have read their blog.

I am feeling really "bad." I just want to crawl into a corner and die right now. I know I'm fragmenting, but I am having a difficult time with everything right now. I just feel so hopeless, so this just added to my feelings. I'm feeling a bit battered down. I am just not coping with things very well right now.


Wandering Coyote said...

Oh, I am so sorry this has happened. Unfortunately, this kind of comment is what we open ourselves up to when we blog. I'm just sorry this person - who I'm sure was well-intended - has upset you to this degree. Your response was very good; measured, firm, and straightforward.

I hope this person takes the hint and does the necessary reading on your sites and then apologizes, as he/she should.

Clueless said...

Thank you. It just makes me not want to share anymore.

GirlBlue said...

I could understand why you would be so upset. Its so hard as it is without people making you have further doubts.

Sadly I'm sure he didn't mean any harm, its always the well meaning ones that make the biggest blunders

Mike Golch said...

C.C., you are a great person, do not let some one take that away from you!
there are those that mean well and end up sticking their foot in their mouths.I know that I am guilty of sticking my foot in my mouth at times. especially on my site.
Here is a Big time Hug for you my friend.

Ethereal Highway said...

Lots of things make me not want to share anymore. I understand. The person who left that comment might be trying to dodge their own issues without even realizing it. Wondering about false memories would be a handy way to do that. Problems like yours and mine don't just materialize out of nowhere, but notions like false memories give people comfort. It's called denial, honey. You're okay.

jumpinginpuddles said...

oh here we go some fidiot with nothing better to do than roam the blog land stirring up false memory crap issues that no one needs.
I have a theory on people who go the path of false memories i actually think al ot of them are abusers themselves.

Anonymous said...

Isn't this internet s*** wild? A total stranger, wants to warn you about "false" memories?? What, has this individual some magic insight that you and your therapist have not explored?
You know what clue? Only YOU know what you have experienced. I am convinced that NO ONE can tear our hearts open with memories we don't have, or cause triggers with things we didn't experience, or cause total disinegration of health and happiness with "false" claims.
It is an outright attack on the victim to be a total stranger and assume that you known something the victim doesn't...
You know what happened. I know what happened to me, and NO ONE is going to tell me different.
Don't let this fool stop you, what you are doing gives power to every other victim who reads your blog! Your courage to share provides courage to others to tell.

Laura said...

I think WC said it best. Please don't allow this person's comment to question your decision to blog.

Bradley said...

Sadly, I think this persons heart was in the right place, but has no clue. I'm sorry it's upset you so. I know it's not easy right now, but I think if you can look back you'll see that you've gotten more good than bad by writing.

Big Hugs to you, my friend.

Clueless said...

@Girl Blue. Thank you for putting some perspective on this. I'm having a difficult time with that in general.

@Mike. Thank you and thank you for the hug. No, foot in mouth today for you. :-)

@Ethereal Highway. You are right why would I make up this and have the symptoms and feel so badly. I'm not that sick!!

@JIP. Always the wise...thank you.

@Wendy. Thank you. I started writing this blog because I wanted to tell my truth...no matter what.

@Drifter. I think, I'm feeling a little better and will not stop blogging. I took an extra PRN and a three hour nap...feeling a bit better.

@Bradly. You are right. Yes, indeed much,much more good out of writing. *hugs* Thank you for mine.

Van said...

That is just wrong, and I could understand why that would bother you.

I was thinking the dangers of opening up today, especially with the world. While I have decided to do so, I still fear the comment that comes out that really bothers me. (It's already starting to happen from people I know with stuff I've written on Twitter)

I'm sorry you had to face that but don't let it stop you.

Be well,


Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry someone put you through that, CC. Like you haven't been through enough! *Hugs!*

You know because:

A. It's total crap.

B. It's deeply unhelpful even if it was said with the best of intentions (which I doubt).

C. It's offensive to every survivor because it's yet another way of putting the blame on the victim, not to mention retraumatising you.

D. Nobody would put themselves through the hell that is recovery and healing from this sh*t if they didn't absolutely have to.

I could go on but I reckon you get my feelings on the issue ;)

But on the bright side, it's just one moron whose opinion is a fly in the ointment but seriously, nothing more. You know your truth, and that's the end of that!

Clueless said...

@Van. Thank you. I hope that you will open up because 99.5% of it has been really helpful, but I just not in a place of dealing with this well. Mostly, there is great support in the blogsphere verses other electronic means. Thank you for visiting and encouraging me.

@CK. You know I know...you know me too well. Thank you for the support and encouragement. Sometimes, I forget about the morons. :-) Yes, the timing sucked.

Anonymous said...

Hey CC, I've been having a pretty bad day too... courtesy of some more good work in therapy, but anyway...

Today's been touch and go but what's really helped me is just meditating on God.

That you're bigger than your pain, you're bigger than this person and their comment... and you are in God's love.

No matter what you feel, in spite of what you feel.

Hope that somehow, you've started to feel better!!


Anonymous said...

that is a horrible comment!!!! so invalidating! grr. i feel for ya... i'm glad you are in blogland, i sure hope you stay. safe (((hugs)))

Van said...

Hi Clueless,

I understand exactly what you mean - when something comes and knocks you off your position, especially when you are just holding it together, it can feel like you don't know what to do - or how you are going to make it.

I'm slowly getting to the releasing of my experiences via blogging but it is starting to just come out faster than expected. Blogging in general is a good release.

If I can help, please do let me know.


Clueless said...

@Svasti. Thank you. Your comments will really stick in my head because my therapist uses big and small a lot. :-) *hugs*

@van. I really appreciate your support.

Janine Kain said...

I totally agree with CATATONICKID's
C. It's offensive to every survivor because it's yet another way of putting the blame on the victim, not to mention retraumatising you.

Stay strong {{{ hugs }}}

Clueless said...

@Jackal. Thank you. I always think that I'm being too sensitive and overreacting. I come to find out that this is a "deal."

Border Life said...

Awww, CC *hugs*. You did a beautiful job in your response. <3 BL

Anonymous said...

This is offensive to all of us--you're not alone in having to struggle with these doubts.

My T makes the point that this is not the kind of stuff I'd want to make up. And I don't think we could be making up these body memories and triggers that the therapists can't possibly anticipate.

I think we'd all like to believe these kinds of things don't happen, and some people have the luxury of believing that I guess.

I'm glad your nap and meds helped--naps are magic I think!

Anonymous said...

Some people are socially clueless.

Does your blog give you the option to rename this person on this comment?

My blog lets me do it, and when someone says something dumb, I rename them. It's passive aggressive, I know, and it's silly because I could just as easily delete the comment, but... somehow I sort of chuckle and my vengeance.

I believe you.

Clueless said...

@Vague. I don't plan to go anywhere...just a bump in the road with surprisingly a ton of support. Thank you.

@Border Life. Thank you. I wish my feeling would have matched what I wrote!!!

@eeabee. Yes, my therapist has told me similar things. Why would I want to make up this pain and it is real. I think nap and meds are magic too. Thank God for both!!

@Ash. Thanks. It was on a social network in which I have no control over the comments, so the best I could do is respond...you have an evil streak in you, girl!!! LOL!!

Anonymous said...


I have also heard those comments--even though I have no repressed memories--all my memories are real and have been with me since I can remember. There was no therapist prodding me to remember things that didn't happen---and it just pisses me off that there are people who are so absolutely heartless to lay that on people who have suffered through the abuse and then have people almost accuse them of 'making things up.'

I have had people say that to me before also--and I still can't believe how (truly) clueless they are.

Take care,


Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Clueless said...

@Melinda. Thank you. People are really clueless and what she did is one of the very issues I struggle with...partly denial, but partly a real question.

Thanks for the review. I deleted the comment just in case you didn't want others to know the name.


Immi said...

CC, I've written and deleted 4 things so far, and I'm just giving up on any sort of wisdom. Bottom line is I like you and I like your blog and I believe you. *sending hugs*

Clueless said...

@Imma. Those seem like words of wisdom to me. Thank you very much!! I like you too and think that you are wise and courageous. You inspire me.

Unknown said...

CC - I hate this has happened to discourage you from sharing AND from getting things out as you not only help yourself by processing your feelings, memories and experiences but it also helps all of us who come here to share them with you.

I can relate to being discouraged and feeling very low. I've experienced some of that myself lately and I havent even been blogging like I should but for different reasons. I sincerely hope that those of us who are stepping up to let you know that we believe in you and truly want good things for you will alleviate the negativity caused if only just a little : )

You are right when you say that people who do not know you, your history or your therapist should not make comments implying that your experience or even your perception of your experience is not valid as it could cause a catastrophic reaction. The fact is your feelings and experiences are real. You do not have to prove anything to anyone. Period.

I think this was likely an unfortunate misguided attempt by someone who has possibly had a bad experience with a therapist or maybe knows someone who had a bad experience or possibly accused themself of something? There is no way to know. I would hope the comment was not made maliciously but I dont think we will ever know that but please do know that we all believe in you and root for your strength and well-being every day.

-UB/jackie (see I even put my real name here for you!) ;-)

Tamara (TC) Staples said...

Oh, (((((((sweetie)))))))),

I can't really add anything that hasn't already been said. Of course, you are not making this up and no survivor would put themselves through the pain of remembering if it weren't totally real. I know that you question if it really happened, as we all have. Don't let this person, who knows nothing about you or your experiences, cause you to doubt yourself of your memories for one second.

Sending you many, many hugs. I continue to admire you and the way you go out and talk about your experiences and feelings. Please don't let this stop you. You are not only helping yourself by sharing but also helping many others.


j said...

(Catching up again.) I am sure this person has no idea what sort of pain they stirred up. It always amazes me that people feel free to judge and make decisions based on very little information.

Sometimes the kind of abuse you experienced may seem unbelievable to people, in part because it was truly horrific, so they want to believe that sort of thing couldn't happen. If only that were true.

Hope you are feeling better (all around).

Clueless said...

@unstable blogger. Thank you for your support and encouragement Jackie!! :-)

@Tamara. Thank you. I know that you are right. My brain just needs to stay in that place. Heel, stay, sit!!!

@Jennifer. Thank you. Catching up is tough, but thanks for stopping by. I am feeling better. And, the comment gets to me so much because I don't want to believe it either. Take care, you've been working really hard with your blog. *hugs*

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