It has been a really tough few weeks. I feel good that I spoke up and took care of myself. But, what I am left with is processing what was triggered and facing the reality of who my mother is and her responsibility in my whole complicated system of "I'm bad."This is why my reaction didn't match the circumstances and why there were increased in my hopelessness, suicidal thoughts, urges to self-harm and depression. The best I can describe it is that in what occurred I feel like "I'm bad" and if the response of the other person isn't what I want/need they put me in a position of "being bad."
Whenever, this situation is created I fragment or begin to dissociate. It recreates what it was like for me as an infant. This type of dynamic is formed between 0-3 years old. An infant puts out a need, it is not met; conclusion, "I'm bad." Obviously, on a precognitive and preverbal level which is why I can't words because I end up merging with that helpless infant with no way out which is also the reason for depression at that age.
Beginning to feel the feelings and remember certain instances of feeling this way even as an adult. It actually is very sad. The only way to resolve it really is to let my therapist in to help, but it is something that is only unlocked from the inside of the castle that is extremely well defended and complex inside. 
Really, quite exhausting, confusing, intense and well defended. I just don't seem to want to talk about really. As expected defensive depression, self-harm urges and suicidal thoughts are increased. But, it is either a flashback type or a defense, so as long as I keep that in perspective I'm okay. Still I don't feel good, but I am okay.
It is riding it out, working it through, allowing support and just letting it hurt and for me to be angry....and talking!! I don't know if I made any sense. Thank you for letting me be silent and to ramble because extending outward is exhausting. I really, really appreciate all the support...I still need it. Everything feels in turmoil inside. Therapy is tough work!!! But, worth it. (No, you can't quote me later!)
8 comments:
Just hoping you are doing better, CC--I was just thinking about you.
Melinda
Thinking about you, CC, and take care.
I was just asking my T yesterday when (if EVER) I'm going to stop feeling like I'm bad and not worth anything. It's not that I feel this way constantly (anymore?) but it sure kicks in automatically...and still fairly often.
Safe hugs always (((((((((CC))))))))))
I know I'm pathetic, but I finally got a link up to you on my sidebar. I've been meaning to do it for months. ;P
Hiya CC, I'm glad you're even able to post this post. Its something, eh?
Keep up the good work, no matter how much it hurts.
*hugs*
I'm glad you are blogging and extending outward. Just describing can be so powerful. Nice work!
You have been taught that there is something wrong with you, and that you are imperfect; but there isn't, and you're not.
Love love love love looooove to you my dear.
Thanks for visiting and commenting. I apologize for not having figured out Windows Live changes very quickly. I had my own little episode of PTSD last week. Trigger was seeing a baby food ad in the newspaper. Instant crying and images of having my cat, Boomer, euthanized in my arms after Annie died. On reflection, this related to and was symbolic for the deaths of at least six people I loved deeply and all of whom I couldn't "save" for varying reasons. It's good to know where the demons live, but there are still ghosts around the holiday table. (I don't have a table any longer, but I'm sure you get the point.)
Peace, Doc
@Melinda. Hmmm...we corresponded via email.
@Wandering Coyote. Thank you so much for your support. It has touched me where I needed some comfort.
@Marj. Well, I may not be able to stop it, but I can stop where it takes me. My therapist says that it is easier to increase something rather to decrease something. So, I will try to increase what I do after I feel bad which is all the time.
No pathetic...I have things I keep meaning to do...I think this is normal.
@Svasti. Thank you. Your support means so much to me. Thank you for being my friend.
@Border Life. Thank you for the encouragement.
@Ash. :-)
@Doc. Hmmm...responded by email. Hope you received it.
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