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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Happy Merry Christmas Moments!!!

Okay, I know that I am depressed and triggered by Christmas, but that is not all there is. So, I am going to try to share a couple happy memories. My grandfather, who I really miss this year, was the biggest kid of all. He would be the most excited and the first one up. Usually, until we moved out of the area, I got to spend the night on Christmas Eve. That was so much fun.

Well, I would go out into the living room and there he would be sitting with a big grin on this face saying, "ho, ho, ho." I'd go you opened all your presents already, huh? He would smile. He always opened up all his gifts except the ones from immediate family.

Then, I would go check and see which presents that he rewrapped. Yes, he would open his gifts and then rewrap them. I never did anything like that, but Grandpa, yes. Then, we would just talk. I have no idea about what, but it didn't matter because I was with Grandpa looking at the tree.

It just dawned on me that I think one of the reasons that listening to Christmas songs has been difficult is because they remind me of him. He loved Christmas songs and even let me play my Christmas music in the car. I can still hear him singing along with Bing Crosby, Elvis Presley, and Frank Sinatra. Here is "White Christmas" sung by Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra. Merry Christmas, Grandpa!! I love you!!!


Laura said...

What a lovely memory.

Immi said...


Wandering Coyote said...

I'm glad there are some happy memories for you.

Border Life said...

What a fun memory of your grandpa.

Mike Golch said...

I'm glad that you have happy memories.Hugs.

Anonymous said...

I love your story!!

My grandpa used to laugh in a way that sounded like 'ho ho ho'. He had bushy white eyebrows and a big belly... and he was an alcholic - the result of being in WWII.

But he was always gentle and loving, he just often didn't have much to say since he was sozzled alot.

I always did wonder if he was Santa though, with that laugh of his.

jeff said...

so nice. I can remember hearing this in my home as a child. Merry Christmas CC. Love pours out of you even now. I'm so glad to have discovered your blog. An eternity of love and joy awaits you.

Clueless said...

Thank you everyone, this was a bittersweet post to write, but I like making wonderful treats out of bittersweet chocolate and hope this year I do the same...figuratively. Not up to baking yet. :-)

@Svasti. Maybe, he was Santa? Ho, Ho, Ho!!! Thank you for sharing.

@Jeff. Thank you!! I'm glad you had a nice memory with this song.

Anonymous said...

Hi CC,

The holidays are often difficult for many of us--I used to really struggle during those times. My family was just nuts--trying to put on a happy "holiday" face, where deep dysfunction lingered just below the surface.

It does sound as though you have some really happy memories of your grandfather. Try to concentrate on the happy memories, if you can. :)



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