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Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Eating Disorder ~ Not a Problem?

EATING DISORDER ~ NOT A PROBLEM?

For thirty years, it has been my struggle
To not talk about my eating disorder is the battle

At times, all so obvious for everyone to see
But, no one really asking about me

Don’t talk it isn’t that bad
Trying to make me talk just makes me mad

Don’t touch this subject because it is mine
I have control and will be just fine

I’ve surrounded it with good defenses
No one will know the self-hatred and the rages

I’m really okay and can handle it on my own
With this I just want to be left alone

I have to have control you see
Even if it is just talking about me

How easy it is to starve
Often tells me that my life was hard

Intense self-loathing and self-hatred
Tells of a heart so wounded

No one will ever know the pain
Of trying to starve again

Know one will know the thoughts in my head
That, at times, I didn’t care if it led to my being dead

Losing the weight is my focus
Yet, I knew that is just the surface

Finally talking after all these years
Makes me feel all my fears

Yet, comfort in finally sharing
With someone loving and caring

No matter my weight the feelings and thoughts always there
I think, all I ever wanted was someone just to hear

I admit it has always been an obsession
To lose weight a constant mission

So angry and feeling out of control
Meds causing me to gain weight has taken a toll

From the weight gain, my clothes are too small
I don’t enjoy shopping for new sizes at the mall

I hate that I can’t control my weight gain
I won’t admit that it has caused so much pain

My scale my friend and my enemy
The rising numbers make me feel tubby

I call myself a “beached whale”
Even if I’m not stepping on the scale

I love when the numbers decrease and I reach my goal
But, I know there is no end, but I feel so in control

My husband so sweet makes sure there is always food
Feels like he is trying to control my eating when I’m not in the mood

I think, I’m tired of constantly thinking about what I eat
For more than thirty years, I’ve tried to be discreet

Talking made everything seem so surreal
I guess, now I’m trying to be real

No one really knows what goes on in my head
Starting to talk is what I know I need to do instead

© 2008 ClinicallyClueless/CourageousSteps

4 comments:

Catatonic Kid said...

Wow, CC. What a powerful description of the daily struggle between denial and hope, want and need, openness and fear. Back and forth it all goes.

I can feel how stuck you feel. I can't imagine how many words must sit, untouchable in your head. How difficult that must be to face each day. *Hugs*

You're much more than a number though - no matter what that number is or isn't you deserve comfort and peace. That much I know.

Immi said...

Another excellent poem, CC. I can so relate.

Clueless said...

@CK. Thank you for summarizing my ambivalence because these were kind of rambling thoughts and you helped to put it in some context. Yes, I feel stuck right now. Comfort and peace...*sigh*.

Thank you for the hugs!!
(((CK)))

@Immi. Thanks. I'm glad you could relate.

Tamara (TC) said...

Clueless,

This poem and Pain of a Child are both heartbreaking poems that really allow me to feel your pain.

Sending you many hugs,
Tamara

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