On Being Borderline ~ Poem

***TRIGGER WARNING***  ***TRIGGER WARNING***

I originally posted this last week, but it really wasn't finished.  I was in a rush to post it.  So, now I'm posting the most finished one.  I usually don't write poetry, but sometimes I get into this mode where my head keeps "writing," so I end up writing a poem.  The poem is in my head and writes itself, so it takes very little time except for the stuff that I add. 

ON BEING BORDERLINE

Thoughts of suicide fill my head

Too often wishing that I were dead?

Too young to have these thoughts as a child

Instead, I just smiled

Not wanting to feel rage or pain

Hopelessness continues to fill me again

Inside numbing, dissociating and dying

I vowed no one will ever see my crying

Wanting comfort, care and not to feel so alone

Unable to obtain even when she was home

I found comfort in many forms of addictions and self-abuse

Sometimes, trying other things is what I refuse

Emptiness that aches so much

But, so afraid to be touched

Never without a suicidal thought filling my head
Pain and rage is what I need to express instead

Suicide and self harm are not for attention
It means that my feelings need healthy expression

Hoplessness sometimes runs so deep
Most of the time I just cry and go to sleep

Fragmenting is so hard to manage
Sometimes, causes unwanted damage

Relationships a rollercoaster and a mess
Fear of abandoment is what makes me stress

I push those away that I want close is what I do
Then, panicking when feeling they might leave is my issue

Feelings of abandonment is constantly what I fear
From even those I know hold me dear

Too many intense feelings inside and too many thoughts in my head
Makes me want to scream and scream instead

Sometimes, emotions in such chaos and a blur
That I don’t care what I do or what occurs

Emotions and thoughts that seem to run amok
And, sometimes what I do or say indicates I don’t give a fuck

Wanting desperately for someone to completely understand
Which is something that is only in Fantasyland

Trust no one is what I learned

Remains a huge issue as I don’t want to get burned

Ambivalence is a key issue for a Borderline

I’m constantly saying I’m just fine

I see my world filled with “good” and “bad”

All the time knowing that I am bad and feel sad

I don’t know who I am you see

So I try to get you to tell me who to be

Please tell me what I feel
Because suppression is my deal

Trying to hide from everything

Including just being

When will I ever be well

Sometimes, never is what I can tell

Being Borderline really sucks

I still feel so fucked up

People tell me that I am strong

Inside I say they are wrong

Memories that still haunt me

Makes me feel that I can’t be

Trying to hide from everything

Including just being

When will I ever be well

Sometimes, never is what I can tell

Thank God for the Father above

For he is teaching me about self-love

Be courages He reminds

Sometimes, that I cannot find

He has promised to turn my mourning into dancing

At times, this I feel and other times I feel nothing

It is by faith in myself and God I must take

Even though I may feel like a fake

Your continually teaching me to trust

Even when I fuss

In Your arms, I need to be

Even when that may mean through human arms I see

© 2010 ClinicallyClueless

What else would you add?