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Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

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Disclaimer: Although I have worked with persons with mental illness for twenty years, I do not have a Master's Degree or a license. This is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care or treatment. Please obtain professional assistance from the resources listed on the right of the page, if needed. And call 911 if you or someone is in immediate danger.

A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Monday, September 13, 2010

On Being Borderline ~ Poem

***TRIGGER WARNING***  ***TRIGGER WARNING***

I originally posted this last week, but it really wasn't finished.  I was in a rush to post it.  So, now I'm posting the most finished one.  I usually don't write poetry, but sometimes I get into this mode where my head keeps "writing," so I end up writing a poem.  The poem is in my head and writes itself, so it takes very little time except for the stuff that I add. 

ON BEING BORDERLINE

Thoughts of suicide fill my head
Too often wishing that I were dead?

Too young to have these thoughts as a child
Instead, I just smiled

Not wanting to feel rage or pain
Hopelessness continues to fill me again

Inside numbing, dissociating and dying
I vowed no one will ever see my crying

Wanting comfort, care and not to feel so alone
Unable to obtain even when she was home

I found comfort in many forms of addictions and self-abuse
Sometimes, trying other things is what I refuse

Emptiness that aches so much
But, so afraid to be touched

Never without a suicidal thought filling my head
Pain and rage is what I need to express instead

Suicide and self harm are not for attention
It means that my feelings need healthy expression

Hoplessness sometimes runs so deep
Most of the time I just cry and go to sleep

Fragmenting is so hard to manage
Sometimes, causes unwanted damage

Relationships a rollercoaster and a mess
Fear of abandoment is what makes me stress

I push those away that I want close is what I do
Then, panicking when feeling they might leave is my issue

Feelings of abandonment is constantly what I fear
From even those I know hold me dear

Too many intense feelings inside and too many thoughts in my head
Makes me want to scream and scream instead

Sometimes, emotions in such chaos and a blur
That I don’t care what I do or what occurs

Emotions and thoughts that seem to run amok
And, sometimes what I do or say indicates I don’t give a fuck

Wanting desperately for someone to completely understand
Which is something that is only in Fantasyland

Trust no one is what I learned
Remains a huge issue as I don’t want to get burned

Ambivalence is a key issue for a Borderline
I’m constantly saying I’m just fine

I see my world filled with “good” and “bad”
All the time knowing that I am bad and feel sad

I don’t know who I am you see
So I try to get you to tell me who to be

Please tell me what I feel
Because suppression is my deal

Trying to hide from everything
Including just being

When will I ever be well
Sometimes, never is what I can tell

Being Borderline really sucks
I still feel so fucked up

People tell me that I am strong
Inside I say they are wrong

Memories that still haunt me
Makes me feel that I can’t be

Trying to hide from everything
Including just being

When will I ever be well
Sometimes, never is what I can tell

Thank God for the Father above
For he is teaching me about self-love

Be courages He reminds
Sometimes, that I cannot find

He has promised to turn my mourning into dancing
At times, this I feel and other times I feel nothing

It is by faith in myself and God I must take
Even though I may feel like a fake

Your continually teaching me to trust

Even when I fuss

In Your arms, I need to be
Even when that may mean through human arms I see

© 2010 ClinicallyClueless

What else would you add?

9 comments:

covnitkepr1 said...

It's wonderful to know that you credit being a Christian to "saving your life." Jesus saves kinda says it all.
I’ve enjoyed looking over your blog. I came across it through another blog I follow. I am now a follower of yours as well. Feel free to look over my blog and perhaps become a follower of it if you wish.

JBR said...

I see a very real and courageous woman within these words. Thank you CC for sharing. Blessings.

Clueless said...

covnitkepr1,

Thank you for visiting and for you comment. You even took the time to look over my blog...I'll go take a look at yours.

JBR,

Thank you for your words of encouragement. Sharing was quite difficult for this one.

Judy said...

Loved your poem. Love your courage even more. Have you heard of Tami Green?? She is recovered from severe BPD. Simply discovering that she was on the planet back in February has turned my life around. Reading her booklets has brought a lot of recovery to me. I have a link to her site at my blog. I'll post it here too: www.borderlinepersonalitysupport.com


Empathetic hugs, Judy

Clueless said...

Judy,

Thank your for your compliments. I have not heard of Tami Green. I'll take a look at her site.

take care,
CC

From Tracie said...

Thank you so much for sharing your poem with the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse.

I was so touched by it. I have read through it several times now, and each time I am struck by a different line or thought and see new things. It really is powerful!

Clueless said...

Tracy,

I just reread the poem and I became teary. I'm glad that you find it pertinent and appreciate you reading my blog.

CC

castorgirl said...

Thank you for your honest and open poem. There's so much pain and hope in it, it's amazing.

Take care,
CG

Clueless said...

Thank you castorgirl. I'm glad you came over to my blog to read my poem. Take care.

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