[During my process of remembering, I began to have flashbacks about different work situations which I write about below. Remember these occurances were from 1989 to 2000, but I am only making connections or remembering in 2007ish]
I really feel like I caused the stuff with Frank [a coworker] because I may have been too friendly or dressed improperly. He was married, had two girls, and was an alcoholic an had a history of psychiatric hospitalizations. I didn’t say anything, push him away, or make any sound…I was actually afraid that we would be “caught” and I would get into trouble. I did make some comment to our HR person, but she just said that is how Frank has always been and that the owners have had complaints, but they will never fire him. They just send him on paid leave.
At the beginning, my desk was where my back was in front of the main hallway, so everyone past me with my back to them. Frank came in early and often times; I would be there early, as I had to make up the extra time that it took for me to see you [my therapist]. I am having a difficult time staying present as I write this as I am extremely embarrassed and feel humiliated, angry and scared, but didn’t at the time. I basically just shut down and ignored it.
Frank would come by and rub my back, neck or shoulders, make kissing sounds or if I was looking make kisses at me or stick his tongue out and wiggle it. He would kiss or lick my neck or behind my ear and whisper something lewd in my ear even if I was on the telephone. He was always making suggestive comments and faces at me. If I had to use the ladder to get into the files where he was often working due to his job, he would do the same. He always managed to be lower than me and would look up my skirt. He would put his hand up my skirt and some times feel my rear or my inner thigh and occasionally, would go a little higher and try to tickle my crotch. The whole time he would be making lewd sounds and suggestive comments. Sometimes, he would lick my leg, feet or toes.
As I write this, I keep going away and feeling something very intensely, but not sure what it is. If I was wearing pants, he would touch my rear, try to put his hands up my pant leg to feel or just play with my feet and toes. Same comments and sounds as always. This occurred at least three to five days and several times during the day if we were both at work. I can’t believe I never told anyone…I feel really sick right now and buzzy.
I was really disgusted by him and wanted him to stop, but couldn’t bring myself to say anything or do anything more…I just let it happen…I was old enough to be able to stop it and should have. I did not enjoy it. Why didn’t I stop it or tell anyone else or tell the extent?
Richard's just closing and locking my office door reminded me of my step-father and his father and the garage. This is probably why I went completely away at that time. Now that I remember what happened, being pinned up against the wall probably terrified me as my step-father used to do this to both my mother and I. So when, Richard began kissing me and putting his tongue in my mouth, I was really scared and was immobilized especially when he untucked my blouse and started feeling my chest and stomach.
I think that I am still somewhat angry that you [my therapist] didn’t take me seriously and felt that I was being attention-seeking, manipulative, so we didn’t talk about it when it happened. And, I know most of my anger is really toward my mother for not taking me seriously or letting me talk. I think that added some to my repressing the memory for so long. I’m not blaming you…just still a little angry…and sad that I was misunderstood…so many people misunderstood me and still do. Not that I expect everyone to understand me, but it has taken so long…I am tearing up again…feels like I just need a good cry…it is stuck in my eyes as they are just watery and in my throat and chest…both really hurt. Unfortunately, it is a very familiar feeling. Feeling very bad and confused.
[My therapist at the time was quite new at the time and the only thing that he had to go by was that he knew that I was borderline and that Richard kissed me]
[I had never remembered or shared any of this in detail until this point in therapy. The scariest thing for me was when I totally lost time with Richard. I disocciated when he locked the door and the next think I knew was that I was sitting at my desk writing reports. Although at the time, I didn't have have any conscious memory of it, obviously my reaction indicated otherwise. It was also what led to my being on medications again and a hospitalization.
My therapist said that what I said above validates my abuse even more as most victims of childhood sexual abuse mention repeated similar situations. Although I know that I was not at fault it bothers me that I could have spoken out as I was an adult. My therapist said that I had to remember in order to speak out...duh!!]