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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

I Just Don't Know!!

I've been wanting to write an update as to how I'm doing, but I don't quite have the words to express myself.  I've been having difficulty since my birthday disappointments.  I've been fragmenting more frequently.  Feeling more depressed and hopeless and my suicidality and self-harm urges have increased in frequency and intensity. 

I know much of it has to do with disappointment.  Which leads to the above mentioned defenses; nonetheless, it has been quite difficult.  What occured on my birthday has really made me look at my relationship with my aunt.  Which has lead me down a very painful trail. My pain seems layered with other emotions and issues which I can't identify.  I've been needing to cry, but can't really seem to do so. 

Due to all of what has been going on for me inside, my therapy sessions have increased to five days per week on most weeks and having some two hour sessions.  Much of me feels in pain, but not all of me.

I'm really not sure what is going on...

2 comments:

NOS said...

I'm sorry, CC. Please know that I am here listening and supporting you and hoping that things improve. I know how disappointing it was not hearing from your aunt on your birthday-- it's understandable that you would be coping by fragmenting and experiencing suicidal and self-harm urges. (I can relate a lot to those urges.) I'm glad to hear that you're taking care of yourself by increasing your therapy sessions. That's being very proactive.

Wishing you well,
NOS

Evan said...

Hi CC, I hope you can see your journey in some sense - that you are getting somewhere.

I know that it can be really difficult when you find the layers.

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