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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Monday, August 16, 2010

So, How Was My Birthday?

Well, I had a wonderful time with my husband.  He and my therapist made me feel very special.  My husband made it all about me...I really love him.  We had wonderful Italian seafood of salmon and halibut with a side of pasta.  Yummy.  Dessert was to die for. I really had a great birthday.

However, I was really disappointed with not receiving any acknowledgement from my aunt or mother.  I'm used to inconsistency with my mother.  It has always been that way. Sometimes, I am acknowledge and sometimes I am not.  However, this year it triggered more feelings of abandonment which has been one of the issues that I have been working on in therapy.

However, my aunt was a whole different story.  I was really disappointed as she usually calls and sends a card.  No acknowledgement at all.  More feelings of abandonment and not feeling loved or worthwhile.  Possible explanation in the following post link, http://clinicallyclueless.blogspot.com/search/label/Family%20Drama. 

My therapist and I talked about not wanting to look at what the reality is with my aunt.  I just don't want to deal with it...it is quite painful.  I asked for more time when I started crying at the end of session, but he did not have the time.  Hence, I felt really abandoned.  My thoughts of suicide and self-injury were the loudest since my hospitalization last year, but I did not act upon my urges.  I'm still working through this whole thing.

My therapist told me the next day that he would have given me more time if he had it and at the end of the session stated that he wished that my aunt had acknowledged my birthday. I've been depressed and the thoughts have been louder along with increased feelings of abandonment.  However, my husband has been very attuned to me and has spent time comforting me every night...he really is so sweet and the best husband that I would have never imaged.

12 comments:

Sairs said...

Happy birthday! I'm glad you have a really good husband that likes to make you feel better. I am fortunate that I also have a wonderful caring husband who really understands me and goes out of his way to make me feel better when I feel bad. I hope you are okay. I know how much the abandonment issues hurt from family members. My mum is often the one that makes me upset and angry and only really cares about herself. I hope you feel a little better now.
~Sarah~

svasti said...

Happy birthday CC! I'm so glad that you have such a loving husband.

And I completely get how hurtful it can be to not be acknowledged by your family. For my last birthday in December, I was the LAST person my parents checked in with to see if I could make it to their place on a certain day and time.

As it was, I couldn't be there until later. SO THEY ALL ATE WITHOUT ME. And that's certainly not the end of it.

I've almost entirely given up on them treating me the way they treat my sister and nieces. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

It's wonderful though, that you have such a supportive therapist - even if he can't always accomodate all of your needs. Between him and your husband, you've got a lot of positives and I hope that helps outweigh the negatives.

All the very best for your birthday!

GirlBlue said...

Happy Birthday sweetheart!

I'm sorry you had to feel that way on your birthday but I am thankful that you have a loving husband who takes such good care of you.

Take care sweetheart

NOS said...

I'm glad your husband was attentive and (it seems like) amazing to you on your birthday! Maybe focus on that more than what happened with your therapist, aunt, and mom?

I'm really glad you didn't act on your urges-- that's real progress!

Wishing you well,
NOS

Inside the Mind of a... said...

1) Happy Birthday!! I'm glad you have such a great husband!
2) I'm so sorry that you have the abandonment issues with your family. I understand how hard it is to talk about it. I still refuse to...
3) HANG IN THERE- and props for not giving into your urges! that's great!!!

stay strong. you can do this. i hope you're feeling a bit better!
-Lisa

Clueless said...

Everyone, thank you for your comments. Yes, I have a great husband and didn't let the other things get in the way of really enjoying him.

Sarah, I also have the same with my mother...ouch!

Svasti,

Yes, to feel forgotten...OUCH!! (((((((Svasti)))))))

Blue Girl, thank you!!!

NOS, yes, not acting on my urges is progress. Thank you for acknowleging that.

Clueless said...

Lisa,

Thank you so much. I really appreciate your words and how you so clearly delineated them.

take care,
CC

Shen said...

Happy Birthday, CC. I'm sorry you didn't get the acknowledgement you crave from your family... but it is wonderful that your husband tried to make it a special day.

I cried in my therapy session today, too, which I have only done one other time as far as I can remember. It was also near the end and I hate that feeling of being kicked out to make room for someone else... I'm sorry that was part of your birthday too.

Know you are loved and valued here... and obviously by your husband. For me, I think the dissappointment I feel at times of supposed celebration are not so much about today but mostly about the past and really there is nothing that could happen that would be enough to make up for that. Knowing that, move on to the next day and take all the gifts it has for you because they are there if you look.

peace

Shen said...

also... this is unrelated to the post, but I saw this and thought you might find it interesting:

http://hopeforward.blogspot.com/2010/08/is-fat-feeling-emotional-pain-and-your.html

Clueless said...

Shen,

Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I really appreciate them. Thank you for the link. I'm going to go look at it now.

take care,
CC

J said...

as much as it irritates me when people say this to me, i will go ahead and say it to you, lol! - Happy Belated Birthday! I'm glad you had a good one! how have you been? I'm sorry i haven't been on much!

Clueless said...

J,

Thank you for the belated B-day wish. I appreciate it when it comes. I'm glad to see your comment and it is fine that you haven't been around...I think that we all have these times.

CC

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