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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Hidden Pieces ~ threats and control

***TRIGGER WARNING***  ***TRIGGER WARNING***

I decided to begin retelling what I wrote to my therapist and I in the Winter/Spring of 2007 after four years of intense flashbacks and repressed memories emerging. [Current commentary is in brackets.]  I wrote my seventy page "biography" because I needed to write out what I remembered and what I experienced to make it more "real" rather than a "story."  I am ready to take the next step and putting more of it in my blog.  This was the original reason for starting my blog and using my journal as a starting point.  I am still struggling with believing that the following is the truth of my life:


My step-father was quite demanding that I do exactly what he asked or he would tell my mother that I had misbehaved and then I would get yelled at by her and at least slapped/hit/kicked and sometimes beaten with whatever she found handy. She never did ask for my point of view…it did not matter because he was angry. He always called me a spoiled brat who didn’t do what I was supposed to because my mother spoiled me.

My step-father would also threaten me that he was going to kick me out of his house or send me to live with my “father even though he doesn’t love or want you anyway.” When I was a teenager, he told me to get out of his house, so I walked barefoot out of the house after dark and had no idea where I was going. My aunt picked me up and I slept at her house that night. [She also asked my mother if I could live with her and my step-father said, "no!"] I never cried, just kept quiet. No one ever talked about it either…just pretended it didn’t happen. I just realized that my mother was right there and did not intervene…my aunt did.

At the beginning with my step-father also forced me to eat the tofu out of the miso soup that I didn’t want to eat and it had soapy dishwater in it and had been retrieved out of the trash by him who shoved it into my mouth while he held my mouth and the back of my head until I swallowed. I also hated hot cereals, eggs, apple juice and apple cider, but was “forced” to eat them and, often times, it was the only thing to eat even though my mother knew I didn’t like them. [Probably adds to my issue of control which partly developed in my eating disorder]

After the tofu incident, I learned to eat quickly and drink lots of water. I also had to make sure I ate at a pace quick enough for my step-father not to become angry. He also threatened my life when I was six, by placing the blade of the chef’s knife to my neck stating; “you know I could kill you anytime I wanted.” If had said something, he would really become angry with me. Another time one of his odd jobs was selling home fire safety supplies, so he practiced his pitch with me listening and I got bored and wanted to play. He became angry with and demanded that I listen; otherwise, he said he would take the “fire extinguisher and bash it into my head.” (Assignment: write what I fantasize my mother would have done or said and/or I would have done or said. – too overwhelmed to do so.) [If I had said something, either no one would believe me or there would be much chaos and I didn't want to upset things more.]

Im having difficulty believing that it was this bad.  I feel kind of buzzy and numb.  I don't want to believe this.

8 comments:

Evan said...

I hope you have the support you need as you work through this stuff. I know that those who suffered often find it hard to believe how bad it was.

Clueless said...

Evan,

Thank you. I did have support during this period of my life and continue to have it as I continue to work through these issues. Yes...it couldn't have been that bad is quite common. I really appreciate your comment.

Inside the Mind of a... said...

To be honest, I'm speechless so I'm not entirely sure why I'm commenting. I just want to know that you're not alone and i'm sending hope your way

stay strong!!
xoxo
-Lisa

Clueless said...

Lisa,

I'm glad that you left a comment. It helps to know that I'm being heard and not alone. Even though, I first remembered and wrote this in 2007, I am still working through its effects. Thank you again.

Just Be Real said...

((((CC))))
Dear one I am so very angry what happened to you!!! I am so very sorry for what you had to endure!!! I am so glad that you feel comfortable enough to begin to share your pain with us.
Here supporting you dear one always.

Clueless said...

JBR,

Thank you!!!! I'm going to continue to share even though I know that the really tough and graphic stuff is yet to come. Thanks for sharing my journey.

Blessings,
CC

Shen said...

You lived through so much. It's hard. I understand. I'm glad you are finding your way out of the past.

Clueless said...

Shen,

Thank you...the tough thing is that as I remembered more it got significantly worse...But, I do have a different perspective. Still painful and makes me kind of shakey. Again, thank you for your support.

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