Hidden Pieces ~ Who am I to my Mother?

***TRIGGER WARNING***  ***TRIGGER WARNING***

I decided to begin retelling what I wrote in the Winter/Spring of 2007 after four years of intense flashbacks and repressed memories emerging. [Current commentary is in brackets.]  I wrote my seventy page "biography" because I needed to write out what I remembered and what I experienced to make it more "real" rather than a "story."  I am ready to take the next step and putting more of it in my blog.  This was the original reason for starting my blog and using my journal as a starting point.  I am still struggling with believing that the following is the truth of my life:

In my last entry, as I wrote, “I know that she loved me,” it did not seem to ring true to me. I just could not actually look at that “she might not love me.” I can’t seem to let that thought in my head…I go away. But, in discussing this, she only relates to me and everyone else through her projections. I’ve always been her idealized, “over achiever, never had to worry about you, demand to get my needs met by you,” or all bad, unavailable, withholding, cause of all problems,” projections. I have all sorts of mixed feelings about this…and I can’t seem to comprehend this…makes my head hurt or makes me tear up. You [my therapist] asked about my anger, regarding the above incident, and what I really wanted to do is scream as loud as I could, “Stop hitting me! I hate you.” I also really wanted to bite her and dig my nails into her as hard as I could breaking skin…making her bleed. I also wanted to kick her, hit back and scratch her. I think, my answers in the office were safe and I was guessing, but it allowed me to think about how I was really feeling. I was also embarrassed and felt like I was wrong to say that, “I feel more love from you than my mother.”  [I actually feel more loved by my therapist in that he gives me more or what I need and knows who I really am. I know now that somewhere I do love her, but I'm not there yet.]
Then, I am having difficulty with making her responsible for her behavior. She did what she did because of Grandma, so what she does is not her fault. But, she chooses not to get help, but what if her illness prevents her from doing so? (But, she is not so sick as not to obtain help for herself. Yes, she was encouraged to do so, but did not and still will not. She is not that sick for her not to have some self-awareness or insight.) [She has had numerous opportunities to obtain psychotherapy services and life changes and problems that indicated her need for it.]


I am beginning to feel like it is starting to sink in that my mother knew and did nothing to stop it…she actually did things to facilitate the abuse [from my step-father that I discuss later...if you want to know some now, on the left sidebar click on the pictures of "Letter to my mother," or the "About me" link below the header] continuing and also abused me. I want to die…I feel, at times, I am just so angry I don’t know what to do or I feel sad, depressed or confused. The suicidal ideation and wanting to cut and bruise is really loud. [Always increases during moments of strong feelings especially anger or when telling the truth.] Feels really crazy emotionally, in my head and even physically. How do I live with knowing that she never loved me and knew about the abuse, but did nothing to stop it and actually facilitated it continuing and also abused me. She could have stopped it, but denied everything and still does. How do I continue with this? What do I do with it? I think, the whole circumstances surrounding the Tylenol thing told me that she knew at least some. [My suicide attempt at 15 years old which I write about later.]


I feel like I’m going crazy. I keep flashing back and forth between the two incidents, my mother beating me and the whole Monopoly/Tylenol thing. In the background is that my mother did not love me. I’m remembering how I felt physically and emotionally and the thoughts running through my head at the time. I feel really stuck like I really need to cry, but can’t…feels really crazy right now. At times with the flashbacks, I feel a little bit of the depth of my anger, aloneness, pain (still not the right word), terror and depression. I’ve also been on the verge of tears since Friday, but I can’t seem to cry and I just ache all over sometimes. Really feels like I need to talk about what is going on inside, but I’m not sure of what to say…words are difficult to find. Feels very overwhelming and my head feels like it is spinning.

My mother doesn't love me in the sense that she doesn't know me and relates to me through her projections.  I know that she actually does love me, but is extremely ambivalent about it.  It is difficult knowing that she actually loves her projections of me and not for just me.  This was an extremely difficult time for me.  I think, I was seeing my therapist eight hours per week.  From January 2003 to the present, I have seen him regularly anywhere from eight to three hours per week.  Some of this was to prevent hospitalization or because I was really needing to talk about my flashbacks, in which, there was always something new to talk about for about four years.