Hidden Pieces ~ Sexual Abuse ~ Subtleties

***TRIGGER WARNING*** ***TRIGGER WARNING*** (Sexual Abuse)

I decided to begin retelling what I wrote to my therapist and I in the Winter/Spring of 2007 after four years of intense flashbacks and repressed memories emerging. [Current commentary is in brackets.] I wrote my seventy page "biography" because I needed to write out what I remembered and what I experienced to make it more "real" rather than a "story." I am ready to take the next step and putting more of it in my blog. This was the original reason for starting my blog and using my journal as a starting point. I am still struggling with believing that the following is the truth of my life:

When I was a preteen and teenager, my step-father stopped raping me, but looking back there were more subtle things and in light of what I now know occurred it makes sense why I was so bothered by some of them. He was at least extremely inappropriate. He began to tickle me to the point where I would urinate on myself which was humiliating and I know it continued well into after I started my period as I remember being afraid that my pad was going to move or that I would “leak.”

One of the few times I had a friend over, she told me that his tickling me made her uncomfortable. He also teased me about my body including the size of my breasts and my pimples. I remember gaining weight the last two years in high school which was the highest my weight [except for now] has ever been and I didn’t care much how I dressed, jeans and a knock off polo shirt untucked which I owned in every color of the world. That is what I wore everyday, in contrast, my first two years and in junior high school I cared very much about what I wore and how my hair was styled. I wore dresses and skirts and went to every single dance in junior high school and none in high school. Maybe, partly a symptom of a major depressive episode?

Also, I never thought this was important, but when I was 18 and in college, I went for a job interview. By this time my-step father and I were barely talking at all. But, I was wearing a dress and heels. He stopped and seemingly checked me out, look at me up and down, and said that I “looked really good.” I don’t know if at this point I was just paranoid, but I remember feeling uncomfortable about it…still do. These things have always bothered me, but I thought I was making a big deal out of minor comments and incidents.

I remember, for some reason, I had to shower in my step-father's and my mother’s shower and came into the dressing room where they could see me because they were in bed. He began to tease me about my weight and about my breasts being two different sizes. My mother also began to tease. I felt so humiliated and realized that maybe it wasn’t appropriate for me to be seen naked by them. Even while I write this, I am extremely embarrassed and feel like I should have known better because I was older.

Also, my step-father used to change down stairs in the laundry room that was directly adjacent to the television. He would then run from the television upstairs naked. Sometimes, my mother would pull his pants and underwear down in front of me and tell me to “look at the naked buns” or some other euphemism. I was so embarrassed and they seemed to have fun with it. In writing this, I’m realizing that they were sadistic in these events as well.

He also insisted on using my restroom unlocked even though it was mine and there were two other’s in the house. I wouldn’t know he was in there and would often walk in on him, which was quite embarrassing, and made me angry…never realized that it made me angry. Maybe, because he was intentionally exposing himself to me…again…which is how it started when I was younger. I also remember him watching the adult movies late at night and sometimes into morning…I could hear the movie and hear him making noises…I’m pretty sure he was masturbating.

[The day following the session where I read the above.] This morning I woke up tearing up and almost crying. My feelings were hurt yesterday in session. I felt misunderstood, cut off and like I did not get a chance to explain myself because you started talking. I felt a little something in the session, but just ignored it and it went away until this morning. They weren’t such a big things. And, I know I’m being ultra sensitive and fragmenting. But, when I was talking about my mother and my step-father teasing me in more sexual ways and feeling that it was somewhat “sadistic,” I felt like you immediately cut me off and told me that was too strong of a word. You actually cut me off in middle of my sentence. But, to me, I thought about it for a long time as to whether to use that word or not and was proud of myself that I actually used such a harsh word.

It seemed to fit because the type of teasing about Gene’s behind and my body, I felt the same type of humiliation and shame that I did with the other teasing and I felt that they were teasing me just for their enjoyment and to hurt and humiliate me, which is why you stated that their teasing and taunting was sadistic. To me the feelings and reasons for doing it were the same. Sometimes, I even asked my mother to stop, but she kept teasing along with my step-father stating, “I was being too sensitive and couldn’t take a joke.” If I said anything, they continued to tease me more about my body and other things that they taunted me about before, so I stopped saying anything. The teasing about my body and/or exposing his rear to me happened at least two to three times per week and possibly several times in one day. I guess, to me if you called the other teasing and taunting sadistic, this word would also seem to fit unless I misunderstand the meaning of the word or what you mean. I’m feeling really confused and hurt and feel bad and wish I would not have said anything…like I made too big a deal out of it. Along with all of that the flashbacks with Frank and Richard [I write about this later] are really disturbing to me. I’m feeling really bad and the suicidal thoughts are increasing and I’m really wanting to cut or bruise. I just want to die right now. (What you actually stated was not what I remembered…you said that you were not sure…flooded with too much…fragmenting…defensives way up…normal…extra session tomorrow.)

I now realize that I was directing my anger toward my therapist and not clearly seeing or hearing things as I was fragmenting.  Welcome to Borderlineville.