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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Hidden Pieces: Floating & Confusion


I decided to begin retelling what I wrote to my therapist and I in the Winter/Spring of 2007 after four years of intense flashbacks and repressed memories emerging. [Current commentary is in brackets.]  I wrote my seventy page "biography" because I needed to write out what I remembered and what I experienced to make it more "real" rather than a "story."  I am ready to take the next step and putting more of it in my blog.  This was the original reason for starting my blog and using my journal as a starting point.  I am still struggling with believing that the following is the truth of my life:

March 6, 2007

Just doing nothing is very difficult for me. It just doesn’t feel right. I know there is a part that needs to just let the reality of what has happened in my life sink in especially the things we’ve been talking about that were apparently quite traumatic along with just letting the words and feelings come in their own time.

I also think that talking with my pastor, who has known me since high school first as the youth leader, made me realize how constant and horrible the arguing between my mother and my father or step-father was and all of the consequences. I was a witness to violence and could not comprehend it, but was extremely protective of my mother…unlike how she didn’t protect me.

I feel like I really need to talk about the flashbacks, but not sure about what to say or what I’m thinking or feeling. Never was able to before. But, I do know that part of what I’m feeling emotionally & physically and the suicidal thoughts and wanting to cut and bruise is both what is going on now and part of several different flashbacks.

I feel like I’m really shut down like I used to be. I’m feeling really depressed mixed with rage, homicidal thoughts, sadness, disbelief, confusion, betrayal, lack of trust, humiliation, terror, wanting to die/not exist, overwhelmed, feeling like I just can’t go on anymore, lack of motivation & stamina, fatigued and deep pain where my whole body just aches.

I just feel like I’m floating sometimes. I remember feeling like it was a struggle to get through the day, felt like I barely made it most days and then the night was something else…would I sleep well or not. Feels the same as now…I guess that is part of major depression. Also always, feeling like I never belonged, fit in or was wanted anywhere by anybody. Constantly, feeling that something was wrong or defective about me.

Feeling, all the time, overwhelmed emotionally, physically and with all types of thoughts just bouncing around my head. I remember really being confused, agitated, and like things were constantly spinning around. I was really miserable all the time and felt hopeless, trapped, betrayed, disappointed, rejected, like something was wrong or defective about me and humiliated. I also felt deep rage, but at the time did not know that was what I was feeling, let alone express it to anyone…just self-destructive. I was really confused, had lots of thoughts, lots of questions…all a secret from everyone including myself sometimes.

I remember feeling this way most of my life…everything just feels unreal…I feel unreal. Reminds me of the Velveteen Rabbit, he became real because he was loved enough. I guess, I don’t feel like I was loved enough or by the most important people in my life…rather, I felt hated and that they did not want me and wished I were dead. I felt like I was bad all the time. All the time, I also felt terror, in fear for my life, panicked and on edge and on guard, anger, suicidal, extreme emotional pain and confusion.

To add to that was not being able to cry which I really wish I could let go right now. Also, extreme aloneness with no where to turn to, no one to talk to and no one to listen…feels like I forgot how to talk or never learned…to talk or cry, at the appropriate times. I never knew what trust was…if I did trust someone, they always ended up hurting me, so I kept my distance. But, this I could fake some…I learned to give someone just enough information for them to feel attached, but I really wasn’t sharing.

I’m feeling really sad right now and on the verge of tears, but they are stuck in my throat and stinging my eyes. This is what I always did. Shut down and numb out. The depth of my sadness and pain starts to feel overwhelming to me, but my whole body feels it. Scares me too because it feels so deep…a dark place I’ve never been before that I can’t go on my own…I need your help.

Just letting things sink in is difficult because I start to go to this dark place. I know I need to go there, but not on my own. The other day was a bit frustrating because I started to touch that and the session ended, so I cried some alone…not much…it was easier to turn it off and numb out. I feel it building inside. Just like growing up, it just kept building and building.

So much not remembered, so much not felt and so much not said or shared with anyone ever. I’m glad I finally feel safe enough with you to share when I feel safe enough with myself…really hard to go where I’ve never been before and the feelings go really, really deep…no one has been there before with me. I haven’t even been there myself. I think, I need to hear from you that you will be there for me, will help me, will take me slowly, that I won’t die, that you won’t leave me in the middle of this and that it is okay to share with you my tears and feelings that I haven’t felt before. Longing to hear I’m important, I’m proud of who you are, I want to be with you, I want to hear, listen and understand you. Constantly craving the ever-elusive bit or morsel of encouragement and praise for just being myself…not for anything I’ve done or accomplish…just wanting to be liked…love.

I was at the beginning of a long season of flashback and wasn't liking the process, but couldn't stop the flashback.  I was having such a difficult time. I am grateful that my therapist has stuck it out with me for nineteen years.  As you read this series, I think, that you will have a better understanding of why it has taken sooo long in therapy.


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