For decades, I didn’t want to see,
I simply didn’t want to just be.
To see the truth of my childhood,
That I never understood.
Hatred and anger that I never wanted to see,
But, yet that is still a part of me.
An emptiness that aches and says, “I don’t exist,”
Somehow, I managed my tears to be just mist.
The ache so deep makes me want to die,
But, continue to live in denial is just a lie.
One that hurts me more and more,
Instead, the tears just need to pour.
A loneliness that I tried and tried,
For myself and others to hide.
A panic that comes again and again,
My baseline, fear of everything is so ingrained.
Hopelessness that never seemed to end,
I think, I thought it to be my friend.
It’s has a twin, depression, together all the time,
These the hardest for a child to bear for a lifetime.
Just longing to be wanted felt like such a crime,
Instead, I ended up feeling like unwanted grime.
That needs to be cleaned, so not to exist,
Instead, who I am kept getting missed.
Always feeling so awful,
And, needing to be careful.
Longing for Mommy to be a place of warmth, comfort and care,
Yet, danger and violence is what feared.
I feel so alone with where I’ve been,
Yet, I feel that the Lord knows all that is within.
It is His comfort that I cling to once again,
I find warmth and comfort that I didn’t find then.
He has also provided human love that I never thought I deserved,
Yet, I so longed for comfort and love that is now preserved.
So, facing, remembering and feeling the truth of my life,
Is excruciating and painful, but hasn’t that been my life.
To face it now and not be alone,
Now, it is time for me to try to own.