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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Learning to Simply "Be" ~ Poetry

Learning to Simply "Be"

For decades, I didn’t want to see,
I simply didn’t want to just be.

To see the truth of my childhood,
That I never understood.

Hatred and anger that I never wanted to see,
But, yet that is still a part of me.

An emptiness that aches and says, “I don’t exist,”
Somehow, I managed my tears to be just mist.

The ache so deep makes me want to die,
But, continue to live in denial is just a lie.

One that hurts me more and more,
Instead, the tears just need to pour.

A loneliness that I tried and tried,
For myself and others to hide.

A panic that comes again and again,
My baseline, fear of everything is so ingrained.

Hopelessness that never seemed to end,
I think, I thought it to be my friend.

It’s has a twin, depression, together all the time,
These the hardest for a child to bear for a lifetime.

Just longing to be wanted felt like such a crime,
Instead, I ended up feeling like unwanted grime.

That needs to be cleaned, so not to exist,
Instead, who I am kept getting missed.

Always feeling so awful,
And, needing to be careful.

Longing for Mommy to be a place of warmth, comfort and care,
Yet, danger and violence is what feared.

I feel so alone with where I’ve been,
Yet, I feel that the Lord knows all that is within.

It is His comfort that I cling to once again,
I find warmth and comfort that I didn’t find then.

He has also provided human love that I never thought I deserved,
Yet, I so longed for comfort and love that is now preserved.

So, facing, remembering and feeling the truth of my life,
Is excruciating and painful, but hasn’t that been my life.

To face it now and not be alone,
Now, it is time for me to try to own.

©2008 ClinicallyClueless/CourageousSteps

4 comments:

Anonymous Drifter said...

You're so fortunate to have your faith to help keep you strong.

svasti said...

Yay!! You got some words out... good for you CC. Sounds like a lot of stuff is coming to fruition. :)

Taylor Blue said...

Wow CC, I can so relate with this. It really makes me thing. You have such a beautiful way with your words too. (((HUGS)))

Clueless said...

@Drifter. Yes, without my faith I couldn't do this, but I first had to work through the distorted images that I had of God due to my past. That was excruciating, but so worth it.

@Svasti. Thanks. You know what is funny is that I don't write poetry. I've written five in my whole life and it has been "I have to." The last one I wrote was about 15 years ago.

@TB!! Thank you!! It feels good that you can relate. Then, I don't feel so alone.

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