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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 14 & 15, 2005 ~ Part III

PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ November 14 & 15, 2005 continued....

The flashbacks run through all ages and sometimes, I get really buzzy and anxious. I so much wanted someone to really know how much pain I was in and to talk to someone who would understand and listen and comfort me. Someone to tell what was going on or what happened. I'm starting to cry now. I think, I must have really wanted it since I didn' t give up on therapy or you or me.

So much, I kept to myself, so many thoughts and harming myself...so many private things and unshared and unspoken even to me. And unknown.

I think, I'm realizing how constant and unrelenting the suicidal thoughts, wanting to die, hopelessness, feeling really, really bad, feeling like I didn't matter, wasn't important, uncomforted, terrified, angry and hurt I was. There is more, but this is what I can identify now.

Feels like I'm really wrestling with accepting or even looking at that things were really scary, chaotic, violent and terrorizing and sad. When I do I feel more and sometimes I just hurt all over. I'm crying now. Things were really horrible for a long time.

Sometimes, I feel like I did growing up and just wanting to cry and scream, but unable to really do so. Could be tearful alone. Being alone was and is really painful. Feels good not to cry alone. Then, I make it bad. Bad to feel comfort and to even feel safe...can't trust.

Remember sitting in my closet or on my floor just holding my Snoopy and rocking...trying not to cry, but really wanting to cry and scream. Wanting to do so with my Mom, my father, step-father, his father and all the other men. But, so many times at home or with my father not saying anything or crying or screaming when sometimes all I wanted to do was cry or scream.

Really wanted to when my step-gather did the things he did, when my Mom would slap and scream at me, when my father would correct me, slap me or spank me. Also, when my mother and step-father would tease me.

To be continued....

5 comments:

Immi said...

Sometimes I think not being allowed at the time to cry or scream is the worst of it. It says, "You are not worthy of having a feeling, an opinion." So hard.

Snow White Queen said...

I just want to encourage you and say thank you for this blog it's very helpful and touches many people. If there is ever a time where you just want to stop posting up your experiences, don't. You bless many people through this. Take care.

Bradley said...

We haven't exchanged messages in awhile CC and I just wanted to stop in and send virtual hugs. (((CC)))

Melinda said...

CC,

Throughout my entire life--up until I entered recovery, I never allowed myself to express the pain that had been bottled up inside of me. When I was finally able to do that, I was able to find new directions in my life. Now, as a psychologist, I tell others that allowing yourself to feel those pent up emotions--the rage, anger, sadness, fear, etc--is absolutely essential. I truly believe we cannot begin to find self fulfillment until we face the fears, rage, etc of the past. Your post gave me chills!

Melinda

Clueless said...

@Immi. I know exactly what you mean!! Thanks.

@Snow White Queen. Thank you so much for your encouragement. I really needed that. I'll be around soon I hope.

@Bradley. Thank you. I needed the hug.

@Melinda. I'm glad that a part of me knows that, but it sucks!! I really appreciate your support.

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