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A key word that you will see:

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Okay, Some Words...I guess.

Okay, I have a little bit of a voice now. Besides just having a tough time in general, other things coming up feeling misunderstood, rejected by others, hopeless, terrified, panicked and overwhelmed.

The main thing in therapy has been making realizations and talking about that Monday which I blogged about in a
post a couple of weeks ago. Well, I'm still trying to work through what actually happened, my feelings toward Geoffrey, and what was triggered.

Basically, I know that I really dissociated, was terrified, felt abandoned, angry, non-existent type of emptiness and overwhelmed. Along with it has come lots of suicidal thoughts and hopelessness. Then, this past session did not go well. So, generally I am feeling disconnected from myself, Geoffrey and everyone or I want to push them away.

I know that I am angry because he went out of town for the weekend and I am still angry at Geoffrey which he wants me to express, but I keep stopping myself because I know that it isn't about him. He lets me know, but that is where you are now and that I can't just let myself "be."

I've been sleeping a lot as a way to numb out and taking more PRNs per my psychiatrist's suggestion. He says that I'm not taking enough and that I could have called him this past weekend when I was having difficulty.

I am just having a tough time with present feelings, flashbacks that I haven't been able to talk about, and feelings that have been triggered. And, it all starts with how I am feeling toward Geoffrey and expressing myself. Unfortunately, I have this problem of just letting my feeling be there, to stay present to them with Geoffrey or even just with myself, and expressing them that is a huge leap. Much of it is also pre-verbal which makes everything more difficult. So it is preverbal and I shut down...great combination.

Well, I need to go to my session...I'm going to try, but I am already going away...

4 comments:

Jackal said...

Thinking of you!

{{{ hugs }}}

svasti said...

Well, a little bit of a voice is better than none! For sure...

I hope the session goes well this time. And I really hope your outlook starts to improve.

Must be something about the alignment of the stars... so many of my blog friends are going through a really hard time right now!

*hugs*

Mike Golch said...

I hope that you are having a great day. getting things out is what counts.

Clueless said...

Thank you everyone for your support.

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